Messages in life that mess up up.

Options
2

Replies

  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    Options
    i remember being really hungry late at night and my mom heard me open the fridge. she wouldnt let me have anything besides water. and another time when my brothers got to eat icecream and i wanted to have some so my mom said i could have one scoop. my big brother winked and said "one joe sized scoop" and gave me a huge one. in my family women have a really hard time with gaining weight, where the men can eat all they want and be stick thin. my dad is ripped, 130 lbs, and has never gained weight in his life (farmer). my mom and i have to work out and eat only nutritious things to stay thin... i guess she was just trying to help me stay healthy, but an 8 year old isnt gonna understand that she cant have ice cream when her brothers can. my mom bought me pilates tapes off an infomershal and i lost weight without learning about nutrition. but then i broke my entire arm one summer and gained a tun of weight back. i also remember dieting with my mom and we kept food diarys. (i was around 50 lbs overweight in middleschool) i looked in her's once and some days she would only eat 800 or less calories so i would try it too.. by 8th grade i was a 'normal' weight, but reached it in very unhealthy ways, not quite an eating disorder but deffinitly was the start. also food was a reward. when ever we had money we would eat out as a treat. which wasnt very often, so we did it big. my mom also worked at pepsi and coke companies and would bring home soda all the time. nutrition and healthy eating was never really taught to me.

    at the end of my freshman year i was working out 4-5 hours a day. 30 day shread, mowing achers of lawn with a push mower. trampoline. online vids. i had to find something for every part of my body. i was running around my property on grass, up the basement stairs for hours. no one said anything was wrong with it. infact my mom bought me equipment like jump ropes etc. i recked all my joints and couldnt do cardio any more. i got mad and would eat, then binge. i think thats when i realized i had a problem. because throwing up is not 'normal' i couldnt convince myself that i was normal. i ended up having a horrible relationship in highschool and developed a full blown eating disorder after a year when things started getting bad. i felt like no one would love me unless i was tinny. or because i had so many 'problems' with weight i must have a serious problem. (which i didnt i just wasnt toned at all). so i toned and toned but still looked 'bad" my mom even bought me diet pills when i was 17, and told me not to tell my boyfriend because he would acuse me of having an ED. "your just trying to lose those last 5 lbs right? then you will be done." the pills got recalled for killing a teen, and i freaked out and never touched them again. me and that guy broke up and it was horrible, i developed serious depression and thats when she realized i actullly had an ED. i got help, and my mom got me therapy too. but i cant help but think it was subtel things i heard that developed those thoughts in my head. deffinitly had something to do with the messed up boyfriend i had. never complimented anything, ever. i would fish and fish. nothing was good enough for him. he did care about me eating though, but him saying stuff was motivation for me to not eat in some twisted way.

    also a few years after i got out of recovery i got a new DR. (not a pediatrition) and she said something like "oh i see you have gained some weight. do you know about dieting and working out? you are in blah blah percential" like SERIOUSLY you dont see on my chart that i recovered from an ED and was 110 lbs a few years ago? also when they ask you "are you taking any medications" my mom told them i was taking hydroxicut and i saw the nurse write "taking diet pills for no aparent reason" but didnt say anything bad about it.

    i would also like to mention that my mom and dad are everything to me. they didnt mean to instill those thoughts into my head. they were just uneducated about messages they send to their children. i am now in college studying early childhood education and development. :]
  • jeyko
    jeyko Posts: 368 Member
    Options
    Mine was more what wasn't said. My parents never said that I was pretty or smart. Not even on my wedding day! I asked my mom why (recently) and she said it was because she didn't't want me to get a big head!! I had very poor self esteem for a long time, still do to some degree. I have a daughter now, and I tell her everyday how beautiful she is, her response is "yeah, I know". She has great self esteem and so does my son!
  • 7funnygirl7
    7funnygirl7 Posts: 1,176
    Options
    Family/people always told me it's just "BABY FAT" you will lose it. Sadly, I really believed them!!! Now here I am on MFP!!!! Baby fat my *kitten*!!!~ Idiots....LOL
  • privatetime
    privatetime Posts: 118
    Options
    My family used to consantly tell me how stupid and dumb I was. I was constantly told that my IQ was less than average and that I will probably be better off learning a trade than going to college. And, that my sister was so smart. She got a car given to her, college paid for, etc. She dropped out of college, and is basically a loser with 4 kids who have 3 dads.

    I still have a lot fo issues from that. Wow. I never even thought of this or considered it until you posted, and it just came floating up to the top of my brain. Holy crap. Explains so many things.

    I went on, however, to earn a Masters degree, and am very successful in my work. I have also achieved many things in my life and have done well. Even if it's true that my intelligence is below average, which it isn't, my tenacity and determination make up for it.

    Sometimes, family are *kitten*. I dont' really talk to any of them anymore. I could never really figure out why and felt bad about it, but now I understand why. I have underlying feelings of disgust for all of them, rather than respect and love.

    Thanks for the post. Excellent.

    I'm so sorry you had that experience. My view of raising children is that the responsibility is to encourage children, and teach them how to succeed in the world. ...Build confidence, educate, support, inspire, and champion. It was a real surprise to me to learn not all parents see this as their main responsibility in raising children.
  • xoMommyWxo
    xoMommyWxo Posts: 6
    Options
    Clothing manufacturers saying that a size 12 is a size 8.
  • fragilegift
    fragilegift Posts: 347 Member
    Options
    Mum saying I looked like 'ten ton tessie' when I was about 15. This particular time I'd dressed in what I'd thought 'looked good' for a youth group outing to a fire station. Shattered my confidence regarding 'how to dress for social occasions.'

    That was topped by the husband five years later (when I was 7, 8 months pregnant with #4 baby) that 'white makes you look fat.' I don't think I've worn a white top in the 18 years since. White lingerie? forget it.
  • kriskaryl
    kriskaryl Posts: 120 Member
    Options
    I was told when I was a child that I was "thick-waisted" and could never wear a skirt and top because it made me look too frumpy. I was also told by my mother that I should never wear a strapless gown because my back was as wide as a linebacker. I was 15 yrs old and weighed 125lbs and 5'2". I passed down a date to my Jr-Sr Prom because I didn't want to be embarrassed in a formal gown. REGRETS!!!
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Options
    A lot was expected of me at school and I've always expected too much from myself. Very hard to deal with. Also from my ex that I wasn't good enough so I never feel good enough :-( x
  • KatKatatrophic
    KatKatatrophic Posts: 448 Member
    Options
    Confidence. Nothing I did seemed to please my parents so I feel the need to try to be a people pleaser. No more!

    Same here. I still don't have a lot of confidence, but it's there when I need it.
  • katiebythebay
    katiebythebay Posts: 611 Member
    Options
    My family used to consantly tell me how stupid and dumb I was. I was constantly told that my IQ was less than average and that I will probably be better off learning a trade than going to college. And, that my sister was so smart. She got a car given to her, college paid for, etc. She dropped out of college, and is basically a loser with 4 kids who have 3 dads.

    I still have a lot fo issues from that. Wow. I never even thought of this or considered it until you posted, and it just came floating up to the top of my brain. Holy crap. Explains so many things.

    I went on, however, to earn a Masters degree, and am very successful in my work. I have also achieved many things in my life and have done well. Even if it's true that my intelligence is below average, which it isn't, my tenacity and determination make up for it.

    Sometimes, family are *kitten*. I dont' really talk to any of them anymore. I could never really figure out why and felt bad about it, but now I understand why. I have underlying feelings of disgust for all of them, rather than respect and love.

    Thanks for the post. Excellent.


    The best revenge is your success. You've got a lot to be thankful for, most of all for seeing past the negative.

    Congratulations on moving past such a tough hurdle. Sometimes family members just suck.
  • shine_
    shine_ Posts: 150 Member
    Options
    My dad told me when I was 7 how he had decided to walk out on my mum and I when I was a baby, but that he didn't when he found out my mum was expecting my brother. I basically took that on as me not being good enough, but he was happy to stay for my brother. It definitely shaped who I grew up to be, I always tried to earn back my place not only in his life (16 years later and I still don't really think he cares much about me) but in all contexts really. I always put other people first, to the extent where I never really do anything for myself because I am busy "scoring points" that might earn me time/space in other people's lives. Like if I'm useful enough maybe they'll want me around sort of thing... it's a fear of abandonment really. I never trust people when they say they'll stay around. I hate when people promise me things and a lot of that definitely goes back to that one conversation with my dad.
  • 99Tinkerbell
    99Tinkerbell Posts: 384
    Options
    As someone else I believe has already said but it was : Finish everything on your plate there are children starving all over this world and you should be thankful you have food! Now clean your plate! I would even clean off my own kids plates I could not bare to throw anything out such a waste and the money.
  • zombiesama
    zombiesama Posts: 755 Member
    Options
    The one thing that really got to me was my father telling me that I am worthless. No matter how good I did at school or how good I am at things I do, he will always feel that way. In his eyes I'm just living in the shadow of my older brother and never being good enough, that is how I've pretty much lived my life.
  • nyprdiva
    nyprdiva Posts: 76 Member
    Options
    Sadly, a few things....when I was younger, I was an athlete and I was told I looked to manly (I was super muscular as a gymnast) and now I'm heavy and I'm constantly being called fat and "big girl" by family and strangers on the street. My father tried to give me some ephedra type diet drug for Christmas.

    Then because I didn't follow the formula that my parents had calculated for me since birth and struck out to do things on my own (freelance publicist and writer), I am constantly being told how I am a failure and a waste of an education because at this moment I'm not bringing in huge amounts of money.

    All this added to the stress and the sadness and caused me to slump into depression and not care about me. I'm working on not letting the negative/toxic messages through but it's not always easy.
  • HealthyHappy120
    HealthyHappy120 Posts: 262
    Options
    Not my immediate family, but my dads brother. When hes drunk (mostly all the time) he calls me fat/says I'm gaining weight/gorda (which is Spanish for fat) when he and his wife and two kids are very overweight. I would cry and feel so bad
    But I know now he just took his self hatred out on me. But what hurt was that no one defended me, not even my dad. Which made me resent him as well.

    Feels good to get that off my chest, thanks :)
  • invisibubble
    invisibubble Posts: 662 Member
    Options
    Being simultaneously pitied, used and bullied. It was my own fault at some point for letting it all get so far. I can only blame the family and people around me until I was conscious enough to know what what happening. From then on, it's my responsibility. And I'm going to spend as long as it takes trying to undo my mistakes, even if it takes a lifetime.

    Sorry, edited for typos.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
    Options
    Being allowed to fall under the radar while my parents put pressure on my sister who didn't do as well in school as me. I know it doesn't sound terrible, but I never learned to REALLY challenge myself until I joined MFP! Crazy!
  • ChristineS_51
    ChristineS_51 Posts: 872 Member
    Options
    It's so sad that families give out these negative messages - knowingly or otherwise. For those of us who have children / will have children - we need to think so carefully about the messages we give our children.

    My daughter had a lot of negative stuff from her school, she still struggles with self esteem, just because she was a square peg in a round hole.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,967 Member
    Options
    I just know that I will never be good enough to my mom. It's like nothing I can do will make her proud, unless I were to find some rich guy and marry him and then never work again. That's pretty much her definition of "success" lol. But yeah, just all my life I've been compared to other people and she doesn't miss the opportunity to let me know that I'm inferior to other people for whatever reason. And she always made it a point to point out my flaws to me (and everyone else.) I had a bad acne breakout? She would let me know. As if I don't have a mirror.
  • ucaminax
    ucaminax Posts: 157 Member
    Options
    Wow what a great topic! Bumping tjis so I can read it later....

Categories