Messages in life that mess up up.
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My dad told me when I was 7 how he had decided to walk out on my mum and I when I was a baby, but that he didn't when he found out my mum was expecting my brother. I basically took that on as me not being good enough, but he was happy to stay for my brother. It definitely shaped who I grew up to be, I always tried to earn back my place not only in his life (16 years later and I still don't really think he cares much about me) but in all contexts really. I always put other people first, to the extent where I never really do anything for myself because I am busy "scoring points" that might earn me time/space in other people's lives. Like if I'm useful enough maybe they'll want me around sort of thing... it's a fear of abandonment really. I never trust people when they say they'll stay around. I hate when people promise me things and a lot of that definitely goes back to that one conversation with my dad.0
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As someone else I believe has already said but it was : Finish everything on your plate there are children starving all over this world and you should be thankful you have food! Now clean your plate! I would even clean off my own kids plates I could not bare to throw anything out such a waste and the money.0
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The one thing that really got to me was my father telling me that I am worthless. No matter how good I did at school or how good I am at things I do, he will always feel that way. In his eyes I'm just living in the shadow of my older brother and never being good enough, that is how I've pretty much lived my life.0
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Sadly, a few things....when I was younger, I was an athlete and I was told I looked to manly (I was super muscular as a gymnast) and now I'm heavy and I'm constantly being called fat and "big girl" by family and strangers on the street. My father tried to give me some ephedra type diet drug for Christmas.
Then because I didn't follow the formula that my parents had calculated for me since birth and struck out to do things on my own (freelance publicist and writer), I am constantly being told how I am a failure and a waste of an education because at this moment I'm not bringing in huge amounts of money.
All this added to the stress and the sadness and caused me to slump into depression and not care about me. I'm working on not letting the negative/toxic messages through but it's not always easy.0 -
Not my immediate family, but my dads brother. When hes drunk (mostly all the time) he calls me fat/says I'm gaining weight/gorda (which is Spanish for fat) when he and his wife and two kids are very overweight. I would cry and feel so bad
But I know now he just took his self hatred out on me. But what hurt was that no one defended me, not even my dad. Which made me resent him as well.
Feels good to get that off my chest, thanks
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Being simultaneously pitied, used and bullied. It was my own fault at some point for letting it all get so far. I can only blame the family and people around me until I was conscious enough to know what what happening. From then on, it's my responsibility. And I'm going to spend as long as it takes trying to undo my mistakes, even if it takes a lifetime.
Sorry, edited for typos.0 -
Being allowed to fall under the radar while my parents put pressure on my sister who didn't do as well in school as me. I know it doesn't sound terrible, but I never learned to REALLY challenge myself until I joined MFP! Crazy!0
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It's so sad that families give out these negative messages - knowingly or otherwise. For those of us who have children / will have children - we need to think so carefully about the messages we give our children.
My daughter had a lot of negative stuff from her school, she still struggles with self esteem, just because she was a square peg in a round hole.0 -
I just know that I will never be good enough to my mom. It's like nothing I can do will make her proud, unless I were to find some rich guy and marry him and then never work again. That's pretty much her definition of "success" lol. But yeah, just all my life I've been compared to other people and she doesn't miss the opportunity to let me know that I'm inferior to other people for whatever reason. And she always made it a point to point out my flaws to me (and everyone else.) I had a bad acne breakout? She would let me know. As if I don't have a mirror.0
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Wow what a great topic! Bumping tjis so I can read it later....0
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When I was young, I hid behind my mom a couple of times...I became "shy"...so, being shy, I was usually quiet...when I was in high school, my shyness was interpreted as "stuck up" or "conceited", so I took every opportunity to put myself down to show that I wasn't being a snob. Soon enough, I began to believe my self-talk & it did a HUGE number on my confidence...even to this day. So, that harmless little comment really snowballed out of control...
Remember what you say to YOURSELF can cause just as much damage as the words of others....0 -
I think I am pretty lucky in that my parents didn't really do anything to make me dislike myself. My weight is an issue because I ate like the rest of my family that also all had weight issues.
My husband did have this though. His father always told him he was a retard that would never amount to anything that that no one would ever like him and that he would always be worthless and alone. His mom finally kicked him out 3 years before I met him a part of him still always wanted to please his father even when they hadn't talked for years. Like when we first started talking about getting married he almost wanted to invite him just to prove that he did have someone. His father is dead now though0 -
What is the one message from your childhood or later years that messes with your life (including weight issues) the most? Mine is growing up with the strong message that it was just as well I was highly intelligent as I wasn't blessed in the looks department, so for me it's the unattractiveness hangup that gets me most of the time.
Yeesh, really? You're so pretty though!
I had a bit of a shocker of a childhood, my Dad used to call me a pig and make me feel bad about being overweight.0 -
Sadly, a few things....when I was younger, I was an athlete and I was told I looked to manly (I was super muscular as a gymnast) and now I'm heavy and I'm constantly being called fat and "big girl" by family and strangers on the street. My father tried to give me some ephedra type diet drug for Christmas.
Then because I didn't follow the formula that my parents had calculated for me since birth and struck out to do things on my own (freelance publicist and writer), I am constantly being told how I am a failure and a waste of an education because at this moment I'm not bringing in huge amounts of money.
All this added to the stress and the sadness and caused me to slump into depression and not care about me. I'm working on not letting the negative/toxic messages through but it's not always easy.
You are an amazing beautiful woman....just because you don't fit the mold doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful....one thing I learned when I was going through something very similar to what you posted was the words "should" and "ought" are NO LONGER ALLOWED...you will be amazed how often you use these words and they are only destructive. It sounds contrived and lame, but look yourself in the mirror every day & tell yourself you are beautiful and successful in whatever words you choose. It is really hard at first, but keep doing it...my wish for you is that one day you can finally believe it...0 -
Overhearing my mom (who has always been in the overweight range) that she wished the doctor would have told her she'd have fat kids.
Weight issues ever since, although I've never been overweight and am on the very lowest point of the normal weight range for my height. Still looking to loose 5-7#.0 -
When I was young, I hid behind my mom a couple of times...I became "shy"...so, being shy, I was usually quiet...when I was in high school, my shyness was interpreted as "stuck up" or "conceited", so I took every opportunity to put myself down to show that I wasn't being a snob. Soon enough, I began to believe my self-talk & it did a HUGE number on my confidence...even to this day. So, that harmless little comment really snowballed out of control...
Remember what you say to YOURSELF can cause just as much damage as the words of others....
I was told I was shy and quiet, too. I was also never as outgoing, poised or athletic as my older sister. It is still hard to express opinions or ideas in situations unless i am with only one or two people or with people I know I can trust. It is very hard for me to assert myself and I struggle a lot with feeling less than.0 -
My dad told me when I was 7 how he had decided to walk out on my mum and I when I was a baby, but that he didn't when he found out my mum was expecting my brother. I basically took that on as me not being good enough, but he was happy to stay for my brother. It definitely shaped who I grew up to be, I always tried to earn back my place not only in his life (16 years later and I still don't really think he cares much about me) but in all contexts really. I always put other people first, to the extent where I never really do anything for myself because I am busy "scoring points" that might earn me time/space in other people's lives. Like if I'm useful enough maybe they'll want me around sort of thing... it's a fear of abandonment really. I never trust people when they say they'll stay around. I hate when people promise me things and a lot of that definitely goes back to that one conversation with my dad.
same situation here. i haven't even been mentioned on my mom or dad's family christmas cards in 5+ years. you know how ****ty i feel getting them in the mail? i don't know why they even bother sending them to me.0 -
For me it was my Grandmother on my dad's side. My maternal grandmother was very obese. I mean VERY - wheelchair and oxygen, she died in her sleep because her heart just gave out. My paternal grandmother from the time I can first remember was ALWAYS remarking on my weight. EVERY time she'd see me she'd remark something along the lines of, "You look like you've gained 10 pounds," or, "You look like you've dropped 5 pounds." It was always PERFECTLY ACCURATE, which spooked me, I admit. She'd follow it up with, "You know you have fat genes, you really need to be careful about that." She predicted I'd grow up to be 5'5" and 120 pounds, like her. Sorry, Grandma, I'm 5'4", and haven't seen 120 pounds since 1997.
Because of this,I have been obsessed about my weight since I was in junior high. I struggle with it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
There are days I'm able to keep the negative chatter at bay and ask myself WHY I feel like I have to have that perfectly flat tummy (that's where my self-consciousness always lies - never butt or thighs). Then I'll go RIGHT BACK to obsessing about it. It's exhausting, really.
I love the way I look now, yet I'm never truly satisfied.
I've started a fitness program for women JUST LIKE ME, and I'm including positive self-affirmations to help CUT OUT that negative chatter. I'm hoping that through the repetition of saying it over and over (as I teach) that it will sink into me, as well.0 -
Similar here. The message was that my own worth depended entirely on what I did for others (plus that academic excellence was required in order to have full permission to exist). Needs were to be suppressed or, at very least, minimized; wants & desires resulted from weakness of character; and the only emotions allowed were those that didn't upset or disturb anyone else (anger especially was anathema).My dad told me when I was 7 how he had decided to walk out on my mum and I when I was a baby, but that he didn't when he found out my mum was expecting my brother. I basically took that on as me not being good enough, but he was happy to stay for my brother. It definitely shaped who I grew up to be, I always tried to earn back my place not only in his life (16 years later and I still don't really think he cares much about me) but in all contexts really. I always put other people first, to the extent where I never really do anything for myself because I am busy "scoring points" that might earn me time/space in other people's lives. Like if I'm useful enough maybe they'll want me around sort of thing... it's a fear of abandonment really. I never trust people when they say they'll stay around. I hate when people promise me things and a lot of that definitely goes back to that one conversation with my dad.
same situation here. i haven't even been mentioned on my mom or dad's family christmas cards in 5+ years. you know how ****ty i feel getting them in the mail? i don't know why they even bother sending them to me.
Sometimes now I practice being selfish, needy, willful, covetous, and angry. And sometimes,i even indulge meyslef, with using bad english languge mechanics 0 -
As a therapist, I am absolutely horrified by the messages some of you received while you were growing up. I received similar messages and know how hard it is to transform these messages so we can finish growing up. Consequently, I now teach parents how to use language with their children that is identity-affirming and empowering. It makes all the difference.0
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My father and all 5 of his brothers and sisters and my grandmother are/were overweight. So, as I was growing up I often heard that I was just "big-boned". I always thought that was a legitimate cause of my weight issues. And I was also a victim of "you have to eat everythnig on your plate".0
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As a therapist, I am absolutely horrified by the messages some of you received while you were growing up. I received similar messages and know how hard it is to move past it and finish growing up. I hope you have found someone who can help you transform these I was in my 40s when I finally grew up. But, as a grown up, I finally accept and love myself. Consequently, I now teach parents how to use language with their children that is identity-affirming and empowering.
It is horrifying what we carry - I am a psychologist so understand the need to overcome the messages we receive (which of course aren't always sent with malicious intent.) It's always interested me that some beliefs are resistant to therapy, especially ones we pick up pre-verbally ie the fears or beliefs people have that were instilled before they could speak. I have found schema therapy really good for this, and highly recommend the book "Reinventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko.0 -
My daughters father used to say things like "If our kid comes out with your brains & my looks she'll be perfect" & "If you went to the gym you'd look amazing."
I was only in my early 20's then so I took what he said to heart. I now know it's because his self esteem doesn't exist so he makes up for it by putting others down.
Even though I know he was wrong in what he said it still plays on my mind.0 -
At my twelve year old physical my doc told my mother, right in front of me, "she's gained alot of weight. She's fat really. Let's set her up with a nutritionist"
That started me on an eating disorder wooohoo.0 -
When I was a young child my mother was fond of saying that I was born under weight (under 5 lbs.) and had not stopped eating since........funny as she was the one feeding me.0
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Mine was being at a good weight and hearing everyone, including doctors, tell me that I was fat and that that was the only problem I had. (Got a fever? Your fat. Oh, you're having trouble breathing? Must be fat. Your sad? Better start watching what you eat.) After awhile. . .I just started to starve myself of most food. . .and it didn't come to an end until last August when I finally reduced my food intake to only be when I felt like I was going to pass out. I passed out in the mall. . .and that's when I realized that something wasn't right with me. It. . .didn't help me lose weight. . .but I sure gained quite a few pounds and now it's a constant struggle to keep food at hand and actually eat something. . .
My least favorite one is constantly being told how irresponsible and spoiled I am. . .and being told how much of a failure I am. It's almost every day and its from the very people I live with. It makes a lot of things hard. . .But I'm overcoming it slowly. I keep reminding myself that it's only a few more months until I can get a place of my own.
And I think the last important one is the events that happened when I was 9. . .I've finally found out that I don't have to keep it a secret. . .and I finally told people about it this week which has helped. I was beat by a a group of kids on the bus for a year without anyone doing anything. . .so for the longest time. . .what they said and did to me has been on my mind. . .including the actions I tried to take. . .but after letting go of it and coming out to a group of people. . .I feel a thousandfold better. I'm finally letting go. . .I feel happier, actually. . .and I guess that's why I'm able to post about this too. . .0 -
What is the one message from your childhood or later years that messes with your life (including weight issues) the most? Mine is growing up with the strong message that it was just as well I was highly intelligent as I wasn't blessed in the looks department, so for me it's the unattractiveness hangup that gets me most of the time.
Um...you look very attractive to me0
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