I should be happy....

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AliciaBeth78
AliciaBeth78 Posts: 437 Member
in Motivation and Support
Starting with a short, sweet, and to the point background info moment
I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago, we moved in together, were blissfully happy, had the most incredible sex life, I started working full time, quit smoking and gained a ton of weight and thats when the relationship went to *kitten*!

It started with him telling me that I should be more concerned for my health so we can have a healthy pregnancy, it eventually turned into him making comments telling me that he just doesn't find me physically attractive anymore. Needless to say, we fought all the time and our sex life became nonexistant. (all of which caused me to eat more!) For a while, I think we were staying together to 'ride out" the apartment lease.

I started focusing on me and between working out and eating healthy, I actually started losing weight and toning up considerably. I'm not where I was or want to be yet, but he sees my progress and I see him trying really hard to get things back to where they once were. I can't lie, I've been wanting this for months! And here it is, right in front of me, ready for the taking and to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about this?

I do love him, but I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to forgive him totally. Am I being stupid?

Replies

  • terewilliams
    terewilliams Posts: 336 Member
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    Starting with a short, sweet, and to the point background info moment
    I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago, we moved in together, were blissfully happy, had the most incredible sex life, I started working full time, quit smoking and gained a ton of weight and thats when the relationship went to *kitten*!

    It started with him telling me that I should be more concerned for my health so we can have a healthy pregnancy, it eventually turned into him making comments telling me that he just doesn't find me physically attractive anymore. Needless to say, we fought all the time and our sex life became nonexistant. (all of which caused me to eat more!) For a while, I think we were staying together to 'ride out" the apartment lease.

    I started focusing on me and between working out and eating healthy, I actually started losing weight and toning up considerably. I'm not where I was or want to be yet, but he sees my progress and I see him trying really hard to get things back to where they once were. I can't lie, I've been wanting this for months! And here it is, right in front of me, ready for the taking and to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about this?

    I do love him, but I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to forgive him totally. Am I being stupid?
  • AshleyMoe86
    AshleyMoe86 Posts: 17
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    I don't think you are being stupid. When you can't feel secure with someone all the time it's hard to want to go back to that, basically what he is telling you is now that you are getting skinny and more fit he wants you back but you aren't exactly good enough if you are a little heavier. I understand fully that we need to be physically attracted to the people that we are with but honestly who doesn't gain/lose weight off and on and you shouldn't be worried about what if you gain a few pounds and he backs off again. Ultimately his love for the person you are should out weigh all of it, in my opinion. My husband has seen me gain and lose over the past few years and still makes it a point to tell me daily how gorgeous I am, he knows i want to lose weight and he is supportive of that because it's what i want but never once has he made me feel like he doesn't desire me because i've put on some weight. Do what works best for you and what makes you happy, lose weight and continue to tone up if that's what you want but don't do it for the wrong reasons.
  • TheAncientMariner
    TheAncientMariner Posts: 444 Member
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    You are not alone in the way you feel and what you are going through. From what you have provided to us regarding the things he has said, he did not intentionally hurt you. He was basically telling you how he felt about the changes you were placing upon yourself. In that regard, I don't know if "forgive" is the right word, because I don't see him as having done anything wrong but honestly share how he felt, which is something the both of you needed. There is nothing stupid about that.

    I think that it is awesome that you worked on yourself and fought to become the person that you once were. Every relationship is different, but I think that it is incredibly difficult to watch someone destroy their health and become someone else totally different from who you met. This can go both ways, but the important thing is getting ourselves back on track. You did this for you and if BOTH of you are cool with the new you then I say let it be water under the bridge. Try to respect him for being man enough to be honest, as most men wouldn't say anything for fear of hurting your feelings, and that isn't helping anyone. Good luck and I wish you all the best!
  • terewilliams
    terewilliams Posts: 336 Member
    Options
    Starting with a short, sweet, and to the point background info moment
    I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago, we moved in together, were blissfully happy, had the most incredible sex life, I started working full time, quit smoking and gained a ton of weight and thats when the relationship went to *kitten*!

    It started with him telling me that I should be more concerned for my health so we can have a healthy pregnancy, it eventually turned into him making comments telling me that he just doesn't find me physically attractive anymore. Needless to say, we fought all the time and our sex life became nonexistant. (all of which caused me to eat more!) For a while, I think we were staying together to 'ride out" the apartment lease.

    I started focusing on me and between working out and eating healthy, I actually started losing weight and toning up considerably. I'm not where I was or want to be yet, but he sees my progress and I see him trying really hard to get things back to where they once were. I can't lie, I've been wanting this for months! And here it is, right in front of me, ready for the taking and to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about this?

    I do love him, but I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to forgive him totally. Am I being stupid?

    Things you should think about:

    1 - Its nice that you are in a relationship; 2 - Its nice that you recognized that you at some point began to over eat and gained a lot of weight; 3 - Its nice that he is acknowledging your progress. But, 4 - It would be nicer if you were doing this just to please yourself! Perhaps the overeating was not due to your smoking cessation; but due to you trying to sabotage the relationship - Been there done it!
  • AliciaBeth78
    AliciaBeth78 Posts: 437 Member
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    Thanks guys! I appreciate your input! And, I think you all have very valid points. I do need to reiterate though that I am doing this for me (maybe on a small subconscious level, for revenge - but, mainly for me!) For a long time, the gym just really became an excuse to get out of the house when he was home and now, it's a part of my routine and I just don't feel "right" unless I go :)
  • lpblah
    lpblah Posts: 28
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    What if you looked different because of something that was completely out of your control? Not weight wise but something else. Do you think you can count on him to be there for you through anything life throws at you?
  • AliciaBeth78
    AliciaBeth78 Posts: 437 Member
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    What if you looked different because of something that was completely out of your control? Not weight wise but something else. Do you think you can count on him to be there for you through anything life throws at you?

    I think that he's more worried about things that are in my control than outside of my control (if that makes any sense?) I can control my choices and if my choices are continuously making me gain so much weight that I barely look like the same person, then thats a HUGE difference from something thats not in my control.

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