Need help/advice/a hug

hbunting86
hbunting86 Posts: 952 Member
edited November 12 in Chit-Chat
Hi

I'm a bit rock bottom at the moment for lots of reasons... but today is the icing on the cake.

I'm 12000 miles away from my home town doing my PhD (in NZ, I'm from the UK). I've been here 14 months or so, but I still feel really lonely and have no real friends.

I've been in a long distance relationship with the person I was with before I left... however it seems we're drifting apart - well, he is. He's older than me, not that that's been an issue - just for info. Lately he's found it a chore to speak to me, I know this because he'll say he'll call but doesn't - not realising that I'm waiting to hear from him and it's so hurtful to be sat on the other end of Skype at the other side of the world and being let down. That ruins my day, like today and yesterday, and I can't concentrate on the work I'm meant to be doing.

Financially I'm in a mess because I'm on a basic scholarship, and because of immigration problems have had to pay for a full medical myself, and they want another $300 to process it - which I don't have. I basically get enough to pay my rent and to eat. There aren't any luxuries.

I guess I don't even really know what my question is... I'm just so fed up right now I can't explain. I've not left my room since Saturday and don't have anyone to talk to. My dad passed away a couple of years ago, and me and my sister aren't close - she never calls even if I text her. I guess she's all loved up with her boyfriend and carrying on with her life.

I used to be this strong, happy person and now I don't recognise myself. It's pitiful to wait for a Skype call from someone who's heart isn't really in it but the sad truth is that's all I have, and now I don't have that.

I'm sorry this is moany... but I have to get it out, even if it's writing it down.

H

Replies

  • bjohs
    bjohs Posts: 1,225 Member
    It's good to get feelings out, even if they are writing them down. I have no advice for you other than to see if there are any opportunities to meet new people in NZ? Maybe just meeting a girlfriend to confide in would help get you though the harder moments. Hugs to you, my friend. I would LOVE to come to NZ and hang out with you, chica!
  • hbunting86
    hbunting86 Posts: 952 Member
    Thanks :)

    It doesn't help that I'm really shy - always have been. I guess writing things down is all I can do... I don't really have any options. The only thing I can do is distance myself from people who are indirectly hurting me.

    Thanks for the reply :)
  • bjohs
    bjohs Posts: 1,225 Member
    You are still a strong woman... just feeling down right now. Things will start looking up again so try to keep your chin up, hun. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Do you have any nice parks to take walks in? How about a cafe to enjoy a beverage while reading a book? There should be some nice, relaxing things to do to help give you some serenity. They are also good meeting places to run in to people and start up a friendly chat. Everyone needs someone to talk to, to relate with... to lean on. (((hugs)))
  • SeasideOasis
    SeasideOasis Posts: 1,057 Member
    Awww - Virtual Hug from the US.

    You are going through a rough patch, but you will get through this. You are going to school to finish a PhD program (ROCK STAR ON THAT!!), in a new country and while you are having a rough spot right now - You will overcome this spot and rally on.

    Feeling alone is a very horrible feeling. If you need anything, let me know!!
  • ToEKnee213
    ToEKnee213 Posts: 1,031 Member
    Another hug from the US!

    Even the happy, cheery gals have days (or weeks) they just aren't feelin it....it's ok!

    I second what everyone has already said - you are strong (you are in another country studying, holy wow!), you are intelligent (obviously) and I personally think you are beautiful!

    I hope you feel at least a little better being able to get it off your chest, we are always here for you :smile:
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/485336-relationship-advice-is-it-just-me

    i would suggest letting go...
  • najla56
    najla56 Posts: 195 Member
    **hug from india**
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
    More (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From the US.
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,016 Member
    Big hugs from an NZer in the UK! I moved here ten and a half years ago for Uni, and know only too well that some weeks things are harder to handle than others. Believe me when I say that I understand the challenges of being in a strange country, dealing with immigration etc, and trying to stay on top of a difficult educational goal. Others have made good suggestions about getting out and meeting people. Does the Uni you're at have a Grad. Students association? They may be able to help with the medical/immigration issues as well as being a meeting point for others doing similar courses/programmes, or at least point you in the direction of someone/an organisation who can. If there isn't a GSA, try the Students' Union and/or the University Bursar/your head of studies. They should be able to help, or help you find the right people to talk to, and they'll want to know, especially if these issues are threatening your studies. Orthe International Students' Officer/Department. Let me know which city you're in, and I'll try to dredge up any useful direct contacts I can think of. Good luck!
  • kscarlett24
    kscarlett24 Posts: 54 Member
    Hi. It's OK to have these days, everyone does. I don't know what I would do all alone 12,000 miles from home and everyone I know. My only advice would be to stop waiting around for people who aren't supporting you. You are strong, beautiful, smart and there are people out there who would be happy to spend time with you, you just have to find them. I hope you feel better getting this out there and knowing people support you.
  • luvmybeebees
    luvmybeebees Posts: 681 Member
    {{{Hugs}}}

    I'm so sorry you are going thru this! I don't really have any advice for you, but maybe you could turn to your MFP friends? This site has wonderful people on it!

    And Maybe you could take advantage of being in a different country - I hear it's beautiful there! Go walking and exploring!

    Take care!
  • Chaseyk
    Chaseyk Posts: 40 Member
    BIG HUG :flowerforyou:
  • PamelaKeebler
    PamelaKeebler Posts: 38 Member
    More hugs from the US! It sucks to be in a sad spot. Feeling alone and being disappointed by a relationship is pretty high on the scale of things in life that suck. I'm sorry you're going through that. Think of the positives you have, though- you're in a beautiful country (even if you feel lonely- your program could have landed you somewhere much less awesome), you'll have your PhD soon (EXCESSIVELY SUPER AWESOME), and you're on MFP, so if you have no other support system at all, at least you have us!

    Take your frustration out in a positive way. Get some exercise. Spend your time (I know- for a PhD candidate there is no such thing as spare time) working out. Focus on the ways you can better your situation. Hang in there!

    It sounds like you have nowhere to go but up!

    If you are ballsy enough to travel to another country and live there alone and smart enough to be getting a PhD, I think your current boyfriend might be kind of an idiot. Go flirt with a hot kiwi or two... or ten. There's a man out there who will appreciate you for the awesome chick that you are! :)
  • morganadk2_deleted
    morganadk2_deleted Posts: 1,696 Member
    A proper English (((HUG))) I live in England and my (eldest Daughter) lives in Sweden.


    I think sitting in your room is the worse thing you can do , i know you said you have no money , but you can walk, run or get involved in some charity work.

    (((((HUG))))) take care maybe write a letter to your sister and tell her how you are feeling, sometime we are just busy with our own lives to see what others are going through.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
    This is why the internet is so awesome. You may feel alone, but here you are on the internet with literally hundreds of people ready to be here for you, hear your thoughts and feelings and talk to you, chat about life, funny things, sad things, goofy things, whatever - we're here and we're all totally ready to become your new friends.

    So Hi! My name is Mary, want to be friends? We can chat and stuff! I love meeting new people. ^_^

    Friend me and we'll get to know each other. ^_^

    <3 - Mary
  • therealangd
    therealangd Posts: 1,861 Member
    Sorry hon. *BIG HUGS*

    I gotta say, if you had to keep your relationship quiet (per your other post), and it's a chore to talk to you, I think it's time to say good bye to him. He's just not that in to you.

    I think you should hit up a little cafe in a window seat and enjoy some brew and watch the sights. Do a little sight seeing. It's something you can do by yourself. It might help you get out of your funk. Even if you've been before, go again. A walk through a park would be nice to. The crisp air will make you feel better.
  • girlinahat
    girlinahat Posts: 2,956 Member
    don't wait for that call. get out and meet people. You may think you're shy, but honestly, someone who could get themselves to the other side of the world to study for a PhD is far more outgoing than your average person. Hold onto that thought whenever you have a 'shy' moment.

    Take a look around and see where you could meet new people - are there clubs at the Uni you are studying at? You have no money, so that means any activity that requires a fee is out, but it's summer/autumn there - get our into the park and show your face. Do it enough and you'll meet people.

    You mentioned family not calling you, well what about other friends? I know it's often tricky because of the time difference but anything that will give you the boost you need.

    keep your chin up. you're strong. Don't wait for the call that may never come but get out and start afresh
  • jrsey86
    jrsey86 Posts: 186 Member
    *Big hugs from the US!!!!!!!!*

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling alone. It's definitely one of the worst feelings in the world.

    Personally, I think you should consider letting this man go. He's only adding to the heartache of the situation. Real men care for their ladies...if you're lonely and sad, they make it a point not to miss Skyping with you. This is only bringing you down more.

    I moved to a new area, too...although not quite as far. Making friends is hard nowadays. Here is how I did it: I got a part-time job. Believe it or not, you will meet many kindred souls in a part-time job that suits your interests. Whether it's rock-climbing, coffee shop, restaurant, or a catalog call center...try it!

    I also found having something to do kept my mind off how much I wanted to have the active social life I had in my home town. The part-time job helped, but if you can't do that...volunteer once a week! I have met some fantastic people through my local animal shelter. I started crocheting and I'm in the process of looking for a local crochet/knitting club. I love books...I'm part of an online book club.

    Life seems lonely now, but it will get better with effort. Only a strong, independent woman could move that far from her family and friends to further herself. Give yourself some credit! You are strong, beautiful, and adventurous! Take advantage of your time there and do things that make YOU happy.

    You will come out of this alright. Just have faith in yourself. As for money....yes, that sucks, but it's out of your control. All you can do is your best.

    Good luck to you, girl. Feel free to add me if you'd like a friend. =)
  • Dethea
    Dethea Posts: 247 Member
    Find yourself a hot fling down there!

    But seriously, it sounds like you really just need some contact with people who care about you. Try to make a new friend, force yourself to go out for a walk or something. Sitting in your room, by yourself, stewing, isn't going to help anything!
  • kerry1513
    kerry1513 Posts: 38 Member
    I can completely relate to what you are feeling. I am not in a long distance relationship, once was, but I am having the same feelings in my current relationship. Last night, my BF and I had an all out fight to the death fight. I think this may just be the end of us. I have been feeling very neglected and alone. It sucks! I love this man to death but, I feel so alone. The feeling of isolation and loneliness is what is the worst for me. I mean, I can't concentrate at work. I guess, the point of this is to just let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. I am in a constant internal struggle over what to do and if my relationship even stands a chance. I have seen many relationships come back from things 100x's worse than what I am going through. Like, other posters have said trying to find a girlfriend to talk to may help.
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