Definition of a Parent

WarriorMom2012
WarriorMom2012 Posts: 621 Member
edited November 2024 in Chit-Chat
What is your definition of a parent? Is it sending a check even though you're not there? Is it taking your kids on weekends even though you don't pay support?

Is it standing on your soapbox proclaiming you're a loving parent even though you don't pay support and take them once a month, IF it's convenient?

I would love clarification because to me its driving them to school, and talking them through their breakups and listening to them cry about their day and feeding them and clothing them and sitting through their band concerts not just buying a gift card twice a year and showing up at their graduation!

Replies

  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
    There are too many non-custodial parents that make the good ones look bad.

    Kids deserve nothing less than the full emotional support of their non-custodial parent. Regular planned visits/outings/overnights, attending events, financial support, etc.
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
    Parents are the ones that set boundaries for you, teach you what's right and wrong, lead by example. They're the ones that support you through thick and thin, are there for the important moments in your life and remind you that all goals are obtainable, that dreams can come true if you work hard enough and that you should be nice to others (unless they're a*holes, then they should tell you to kick rocks).

    They're the people that don't indulge you in your every wish, the ones that teach you how to earn someone's (and your own) respect, the people that are there even when it's inconvenient for them and never let you know it. They're the ones that sacrifice whatever they need to, day after day, month after month, to get you to a better place than they ever reached.

    They're the people that drive you crazy, but over the years you come to see their crazy as love. That's who parents are.
  • sarafil
    sarafil Posts: 506 Member
    You can never control the actions of another person. All you can do is focus your energy and love on your children. It is frustrating when the other parent doesn't live up to their responsibilites in the way that we want them to, but ultimately it is their loss in the end, when they are not close to their children.
  • 970Mikaela1
    970Mikaela1 Posts: 2,013 Member
    Im a single, full time dad to a 7 yearl old daughter she has lived with me since she was 2
    I define it like this>>> I will do anything for that little girl no matter what......
    even when she tells me she wants to live with her mom, even when she wont do her homework and screams and cries its too hard, even when she says i mean because I have rules at my house.
    She sees her mom every other weekend but it takes at least 4 days to get her caught back up on sleep, All i hear about moms is about the new tvs and pool tables and harleys that the boyfriend buys or why cant we move closer to her mom.
    But then there are the hugs goodnight, the pictures on the fridge the first days of school each year, going to lunch with a bunch of little giggly girls, hearing the soft snores of my sleeping child and knowing that , after letting three different child family investigators conduct their investigations , That she is in the best HOME she can have.
    I wouldn't change anything , about my past because otherwise this little blessing might not be in my life even tho she is a pain sometimes and im far from a perfect parent, she teaches me as much as hope that i teach her:))))
  • groovyfirechick
    groovyfirechick Posts: 188
    My mom left us with my dad when I was 9 and my sister was 7. We were raised by our dad and grandma until adulthood. My mom has us every other Saturday (for the day) and a week in the summer (which only consisted of daytime outings and we would be dropped back at my dad's at night). Once I got to the age of 12 or 13 I didn't want anything to do with those arrangements and refused to go (so did my sister...probably just following me) and my father supported my decision. It was only until a few years ago that she wanted to become an active part of my life again (I'm 31 now) and is still involved to the level which she is comfortable. She has issues with depression and some medical issues (I found that out later on in my life) and explained to me that she left us with my dad because she didn't want us to be affected by her issues when we were kids. I can see it (sort of) from her perspective now that I am an adult but I still don't consider that she was a parent to me for the majority of my life. My grandma was more of a mother figure to me when I was growing up as well as my dad.
  • groovyfirechick
    groovyfirechick Posts: 188
    I think that parenting has a lot to do with what you make of it. As long as you do what's in the best interest of the child you can't go wrong. Love is the most important thing of all.
  • OSC_ESD
    OSC_ESD Posts: 752 Member
    ~ Being a parent is taking responsibility for the life you created ... regardless of " rules or agreements " ... you have an obligation to provide unconditional love that includes everything humanly possible to make certain that child is in the best care at all times ... and unfortunately, that doesn't always mean with the birth parent.

    Acknowledging your failure as a parent and not being able to support or care for a child is honorable in it's own definition ... but pretending to be a parent and doing none of the above is an ... Epic Fail.

    Forget about the adult decision for one brief moment and look through the eyes of a child ... they become what they see ... lead by positive example and your child shall succeed in life ... make poor choices and expect others to pick up the slack ... they have a 50% chance of becoming the " loser " you are.

    This is not intended to be directed at any one individual ... it's just my opinion, a strong one at that. I apologize in advance if I offended anyone ... there are always exceptions to every scenario ... I just can't imagine one for this case.

    Ok ... I don't normally respond to these types of forums, but this struck a chord. Rant over ... back to the " serious me " ... as if there were any other side to me ! LOL !

    Hope everybody can remain calm and just give their opinion. :flowerforyou:
  • groovyfirechick
    groovyfirechick Posts: 188
    Im a single, full time dad to a 7 yearl old daughter she has lived with me since she was 2
    I define it like this>>> I will do anything for that little girl no matter what......
    even when she tells me she wants to live with her mom, even when she wont do her homework and screams and cries its too hard, even when she says i mean because I have rules at my house.
    She sees her mom every other weekend but it takes at least 4 days to get her caught back up on sleep, All i hear about moms is about the new tvs and pool tables and harleys that the boyfriend buys or why cant we move closer to her mom.
    But then there are the hugs goodnight, the pictures on the fridge the first days of school each year, going to lunch with a bunch of little giggly girls, hearing the soft snores of my sleeping child and knowing that , after letting three different child family investigators conduct their investigations , That she is in the best HOME she can have.
    I wouldn't change anything , about my past because otherwise this little blessing might not be in my life even tho she is a pain sometimes and im far from a perfect parent, she teaches me as much as hope that i teach her:))))




    I was raised by my dad and I thank him and tell him he did a great job (even if he was making it us as we went along). You are doing the best you can and she loves you for it and will be grateful when she's older. :) Keep smiling!
  • LaurasClimb
    LaurasClimb Posts: 211 Member
    What is your definition of a parent? Is it sending a check even though you're not there? Is it taking your kids on weekends even though you don't pay support?

    Is it standing on your soapbox proclaiming you're a loving parent even though you don't pay support and take them once a month, IF it's convenient?

    I would love clarification because to me its driving them to school, and talking them through their breakups and listening to them cry about their day and feeding them and clothing them and sitting through their band concerts not just buying a gift card twice a year and showing up at their graduation!

    It's been almost 14 years and my ex is deciding he wants to try to be a dad :/ Good luck with that! I love the semi-annual cards "I'm so proud of you." blah! He hasn't been a dad for 14 years, what makes him think now is the time to start?

    Now I'm on a rant...

    We live in different states but I make sure I take my kids down to visit him and his family annually. I have made it clear that he is welcome to come up and visit any time (no matter how many times he tells the kids he's going to visit, it's never happened!). They all have cell phones (that I pay for) and facebook accounts - there is absolutely no reason he can't contact them.

    About a week before Christmas I'll get a text message "what do the kids want for Christmas?" Hello...aren't you a little late??? Check their Amazon list, it's there for you and your family!

    He says he wants to buy my daughter her first car. You can't buy your way into being a father. Hello...she needs to earn that car! Otherwise who do you think will be paying for gas and maintenance and insurance???? Not him! But before this his wife tells my daughter that they would buy her a car and have to borrow money from his mom to buy her a car...WTF?

    Speaking of the wife...I know my daughter was 16 (now 17), but you don't need to mention that those nights her father wasn't coming home to me he was staying at your house! Give me a break!

    Wow...that's been pent up for a long time, I make it a rule that I don't speak negatively about their father if there is any chance they will hear. Thanks for the outlet!
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    A parent is someone who loves the child even if they're not there and when they are, forgets the world and focuses solely on them.

    My boyfriend has a soon to be 8 year old son. When he was first born, there wasn't a problem with the two sharing custody even though he and the mother's relationship didn't last and they lived in separate states. When the boy was 5 he was denied seeing him at all and just last year, for the boy's 7th birthday, he had him for the weekend because he works at the Disney Park in Florida and the boy wanted to go.

    To a lot of people that sounds like a bad parent, but exactly what can you do when the mother denies you visitation rights and you have none set up by the court? He loves his son and really that's a lot more than my father ever did for me and I saw that man every other weekend from the time I was 6 to the time I was 15.

    If you're not paying support when you should, you're not willing to be a constant in their lives, and you don't honestly care about the child then you really shouldn't even be considered a parent even if half of your genetics is in a child. If when you have the child you hurt them, you do as little for them as you can, and then turn around and whine about being a single parent for pity from your friends, you shouldn't be considered a parent. It all comes down to love. You could hate the other parent more than anything, but if your love for the child is unending regardless of what you can or are allowed to do and you actually try, then you're a parent.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    this parent = exhausted person.

    I have 4 kids ages 14 - 4, but the most difficult person I have to parent is a 21-year-old drug-addicted niece, who had been living with me since November and had almost 6 mos. sober. However, in the last 2 weeks, she relapsed, stole my credit card, flew to Vegas, shot heroin and who knows what else, robbed people, stole money, sent me abusive and hateful texts, came back on a bus, went to detox, and just got into another rehab on Friday.

    Since she's come back and she's 21 now, she refuses to sign medical releases at detox and rehab for anyone who's willing to help her, so instead she just rants about how no one cares, or calls me to deliver clothes and toiletries.

    I'm so freakin' exhausted over these past 2 weeks, it's like when I used to have a serious thyroid problem more than 2 years ago. I feel an immense need to sleep by 5 pm every day, and I am extremely distracted and short with everyone. I had been in great health for 2 years until 2 weeks ago.

    anyway, that's my rant, and that's my definition of me. your results may vary.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I've had this discussion before. My ex didn't support our kids until the courts made him. He doesn't see them all that often and sadly they really don't want to be around him. I won't say that he doesn't love his children. I just believe that he doesn't love them more than himself. A true parent loves their children above and beyond anything and everything including themselves. But I chose to have him as the father of my children so he is entitled to have access to them. I don't deny him his right to them.

    At the same time, though, my ex suffers from bipolar disorder, and sometimes I think it is difficult for him to interact with them. Of course that affects his relationship with them, but he chooses to go untreated. I just really feel that maybe he just loves them the best way that he can, even if it really isn't enough.
  • cjaharmon
    cjaharmon Posts: 46 Member
    A parent is the person who doesn't sleep at night because a child was coughing, and you were up trying to help her stop. A parent is the person who puts their child's needs ahead of their own. A parent is the person who goes to events and makes sure the child gets there on time and is prepared. A parent is the person who sets boundaries and limitations even though it's not the thing the child wants at that time. A parent is the person who gives the hug on the bad day and a kick in the but on a lazy day. A parent is the person who gives for their child even when there is nothing left to pull from.

    A parent is not the person who provides money and friendship only. A parent is not the parent who only shows up to be able to brag about all they do for their child.

    Note I said the person...a parent is not a man or a woman it is the person. It also may not be the biological parent of the child. In my case I feel like I am the mother of my children, even though they are my stepchildren. I have been in their lives for 8 years and in that time I have attended almost every concert, performance etc, I have attended to their medical/eye/dental needs for the last 5 years when we realized mother was no longer doing it, and I am the one that makes sure they get paperwork turned in, check grades, etc. Their mother checked out at some point between the start of my relationship with their father and today, so I just stepped into that role and my kids know it's me. About a week ago my son texted me about his teeth because he didn't know if mom was correct about something she said, kids will see who was there for them it may just take a long time.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    this parent = exhausted person.

    I have 4 kids ages 14 - 4, but the most difficult person I have to parent is a 21-year-old drug-addicted niece, who had been living with me since November and had almost 6 mos. sober. However, in the last 2 weeks, she relapsed, stole my credit card, flew to Vegas, shot heroin and who knows what else, robbed people, stole money, sent me abusive and hateful texts, came back on a bus, went to detox, and just got into another rehab on Friday.

    Since she's come back and she's 21 now, she refuses to sign medical releases at detox and rehab for anyone who's willing to help her, so instead she just rants about how no one cares, or calls me to deliver clothes and toiletries.

    I'm so freakin' exhausted over these past 2 weeks, it's like when I used to have a serious thyroid problem more than 2 years ago. I feel an immense need to sleep by 5 pm every day, and I am extremely distracted and short with everyone. I had been in great health for 2 years until 2 weeks ago.

    anyway, that's my rant, and that's my definition of me. your results may vary.

    As a recovering drug addict, I mean this in the best possible way.

    It is time to use some tough love with her. She is an adult. There is no more parenting to be done here. You need to let go, and let God (don't know if you are religious). Otherwise, she is just going to continue to use and abuse you and will never get completely serious about getting clean and staying clean. When I made that choice, sobriety meant everything to me and I would do whatever I had to to get it. She is not ready to get clean. If you can't help her, then you should at least help yourself.

    Coincidentally, just so I am not derailing the thread, my main motivation for sobriety was to get custody of my children back while my ex preferred to leave them in foster care.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    I've had this discussion before. My ex didn't support our kids until the courts made him. He doesn't see them all that often and sadly they really don't want to be around him. I won't say that he doesn't love his children. I just believe that he doesn't love them more than himself. A true parent loves their children above and beyond anything and everything including themselves. But I chose to have him as the father of my children so he is entitled to have access to them. I don't deny him his right to them.

    At the same time, though, my ex suffers from bipolar disorder, and sometimes I think it is difficult for him to interact with them. Of course that affects his relationship with them, but he chooses to go untreated. I just really feel that maybe he just loves them the best way that he can, even if it really isn't enough.

    Not to meddle, but if he's an unmedicated bipolar, you really need to be careful about him being alone with the kids. I say this as another with bipolar disorder, who is medicated but knows what being unmedicated can do. I'm sure you trust the kids to say if he's done anything to hurt them, physically or otherwise, but that is a ticking timebomb regardless of which type of the disorder he has.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I've had this discussion before. My ex didn't support our kids until the courts made him. He doesn't see them all that often and sadly they really don't want to be around him. I won't say that he doesn't love his children. I just believe that he doesn't love them more than himself. A true parent loves their children above and beyond anything and everything including themselves. But I chose to have him as the father of my children so he is entitled to have access to them. I don't deny him his right to them.

    At the same time, though, my ex suffers from bipolar disorder, and sometimes I think it is difficult for him to interact with them. Of course that affects his relationship with them, but he chooses to go untreated. I just really feel that maybe he just loves them the best way that he can, even if it really isn't enough.

    Not to meddle, but if he's an unmedicated bipolar, you really need to be careful about him being alone with the kids. I say this as another with bipolar disorder, who is medicated but knows what being unmedicated can do. I'm sure you trust the kids to say if he's done anything to hurt them, physically or otherwise, but that is a ticking timebomb regardless of which type of the disorder he has.

    I didn't allow him unsupervised visits for quite a long time. He has a girlfriend that I trust with my kids, and both of them are old enough to know when to steer clear of daddy. And like I said in my post, he rarely wants to see them and they don't much want to go to his house anymore. Still, I try to foster their relationship with him. Don't want to be condemned as the one who kept his children from loving him. He has improved a lot since coming off of the drugs.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member

    As a recovering drug addict, I mean this in the best possible way.

    It is time to use some tough love with her. She is an adult. There is no more parenting to be done here. You need to let go, and let God (don't know if you are religious). Otherwise, she is just going to continue to use and abuse you and will never get completely serious about getting clean and staying clean. When I made that choice, sobriety meant everything to me and I would do whatever I had to to get it. She is not ready to get clean. If you can't help her, then you should at least help yourself.

    Coincidentally, just so I am not derailing the thread, my main motivation for sobriety was to get custody of my children back while my ex preferred to leave them in foster care.

    thank you. I do know these things, but it's much harder to do than to know.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member

    As a recovering drug addict, I mean this in the best possible way.

    It is time to use some tough love with her. She is an adult. There is no more parenting to be done here. You need to let go, and let God (don't know if you are religious). Otherwise, she is just going to continue to use and abuse you and will never get completely serious about getting clean and staying clean. When I made that choice, sobriety meant everything to me and I would do whatever I had to to get it. She is not ready to get clean. If you can't help her, then you should at least help yourself.

    Coincidentally, just so I am not derailing the thread, my main motivation for sobriety was to get custody of my children back while my ex preferred to leave them in foster care.

    thank you. I do know these things, but it's much harder to do than to know.

    Granted. I can't imagine the hell I put my mother through.
  • cailynsmommy
    cailynsmommy Posts: 21
    What is your definition of a parent? Is it sending a check even though you're not there? Is it taking your kids on weekends even though you don't pay support?

    Is it standing on your soapbox proclaiming you're a loving parent even though you don't pay support and take them once a month, IF it's convenient?

    I would love clarification because to me its driving them to school, and talking them through their breakups and listening to them cry about their day and feeding them and clothing them and sitting through their band concerts not just buying a gift card twice a year and showing up at their graduation!

    I think you hit it on the head with your thoughts. My ex husband is on the path to the card twice a year and showing up at graduation (except I'm not so sure that he will even show up there). Born in Aug 2010, saw her about once a week from Sep 2010 til Nov 2010 (yeah that's right didn't see her til she was exactly 1 month old). Then he told me in December 2010 that he wanted to give up rights and I didn't hear from him again til he was arrested for not doing his job search for child support in Feb 2011. For a few weeks he texted and asked how she was and then it stopped. We went to court for support twice and he never one time asked how she was or asked me to see her, just told the guy in charge of setting our support he wanted to. Then when I filed for divorce in April 2011 and the papers to sign were sent in July I left out any custody arrangements to try to make the divorce final faster and he had the opportunity to ask for visitations then and didn't. I had to get a legal custody order for some personal reasons in September and they basically handed him whatever he wanted. If it didn't work for him it didn't work. Only thing they didn't budge on was that I had to be present to start this process because he didn't know her and she didn't know him. Visits started in December and pretty much ended in Jan because my daughter was sick and he refused to come and then he got mad at me and stopped coming period.

    It frustrates me because I know next month when he gets the letter that says i'm not going to the visitation location anymore until there's a response from him he will respond and we will start all over but I know that I am the lucky one and that I am the one who she will know as a parent. Being a parent to me is more than a check every week and clothes that don't fit or toys that aren't needed at Christmas and birthdays. It's sacrificing what you want to buy for yourself to make sure your kid has diapers and shoes that fit her. It's staying up with them when they are little and hungry, have a bad dream, or aren't feeling well. Its waking up early to take care of her and working late to pay the bills and get what she needs. It's playing with her, laughing with her, and teaching her. And I haven't reached this point yet and have a while to go but based off what my folks did, it's being there through the hard times, encouraging her to be the best she can be and to keep her going on the track to her dreams even when it might seem like it's not a possibility anymore.

    Kids aren't gonna remember how much money their non-custodial parent sent in support (hopefully they have no idea how much is sent in all reality) or what card they got for their 5th birthday. They aren't gonna learn how to live their life from that check and card and clothes and toys. They learn from the person who takes time for them and spends time with them. They remember the times at the zoo or the nights cuddled up reading a book.

    Plus, a real parent gets such a great reward! That cute little smile and the hugs, kisses and cuddles are worth all the late nights and exhausting day! I love when I get home from work and walk in to check on her and she's snoring away. Makes my day
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