A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

:laugh: :laugh:
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read
this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you This is
dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine.


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo,
who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to
get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at
6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of
coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for
me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush
my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other crap
too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting
for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled
back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me
that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find
me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I
sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that *kitten*
Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic
instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a
message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine
with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the
Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for
me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had
wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!