I feel so alone

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CarlaMichelle
CarlaMichelle Posts: 67 Member
in Motivation and Support
:huh: i've been married for 4 years and i have a son who will be 3 this summer. I also have a 16 year old daughter from my younger days. I run, i work out and i eat right. my daughter cares about nutrition but she is not athletic at all. My husband and I are total opposites, he doesn't even like to be outside much less be active. I just feel like everything i want to do i have to do alone. How can i find happiness in my marriage when we don't do a single thing together? he likes TV, games and his computer... i like biking, hiking, running, cardio and just sucking up the sunshine.... My major hurdle here is how can i spend the rest of my life with this man who doesn't like anything i like and vice versa? i think it would be different if i had my daughter to do active things with, but she's 16 and would rather grow roots then go for a run with me... anyone have any clues on how i can just:explode: accept what i have and be happy?

Replies

  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 910 Member
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    talk to him and tell him you feel alone and figure out ways to bring you guys back together as a team... if you guys work together im confident you can find something to do that you both enjoy
  • asunnysnowman
    asunnysnowman Posts: 56 Member
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    put a bicycle in the living room and watch tv with him while you're working out.

    talk to him about this and find the happy medium.
  • ruststar
    ruststar Posts: 489 Member
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    My husband and I have next to no common interests and it works out just fine. he doesn't expect me to go shooting out in the woods with him and I don't make him go to poetry readings and indie films. We come together on common interests - watching the Big Bang Theory, good food, the occasional raunchy comedy - but largely we let each other enjoy what we enjoy. I love the freedom of being able to exlore my own interests. He supports me by giving me time to follow my own goals, and I do the same for him. Keep up the hard work, and eventually your daughter might join you - when she's in her twenties, probably, and no longer cares what her friends - but having the freedom from your husband to enjoy life your way is a GIFT, so enjoy it!
  • VanillaBone
    VanillaBone Posts: 119 Member
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    No one can make you happy but you.

    Obviously something about him attracted you to him; treasure that when you are together.
    The rest of the time, focus on you. Do what you like, when you want. Enjoy it because you enjoy it. Make yourself happy when you're not together, so you have emotional room to enjoy him when you are.

    Does that make sense?

    ETA: If being alone bothers you, find some friends to do your activities with!
  • awolf2011
    awolf2011 Posts: 265 Member
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    You are not alone in this category. My husband owns his own Construction Company so he is outside most of the spring, summer, and fall. I don't expect him to go outside again after being out there in 80 degree weather all day. He also likes video games, computer, and tv as well. He does this to relax. Me, I work in an office all day long, so I do enjoy getting out and walking, etc. I have 3 boys under the age of 8, so for me, it is my time for myself. I find it easier to be alone to clear my head and just relax while working out. I also do exercises in the house (Wii) and sometimes my husband watches tv on the other tv that is used for games. I don't think that your relationship is doomed just because he doesn't want to get out and do the same things as you. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.
  • tara7302011
    tara7302011 Posts: 94 Member
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    I am sorry your fustrated... You said it wouldn't be so bad if your daughter would work out with you? Well since she will not.. Do you have friend that will? A friend of mine had the same problem... She complained, cried, and told him about it enough he finally realized how important it was to her, and changed. Maybe the key is finding something outside that you both can enjoy.. There must be something outside he like to do.. Camping, horseshoes, golf, something hopefully will peak his interest.. Good luck.:smile:
  • MCsAngel2
    MCsAngel2 Posts: 49 Member
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    I'm kind of wondering why you married someone it seems like you don't have anything in common with. I know that sounds rude, but I'm serious. If he was always like this, then it seems illogical that you'd expect him to change his interests.
  • Swanson83
    Swanson83 Posts: 226 Member
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    You have a 3 year old that you can raise to be active just like you. You can invest in a jogging stroller, a bike trailer...etc. If you are feeling lonely because you are working out along...ask a neighbor/friend to join you. If you husband is supportive of what you are doing there will come a time that he will join you. I have always been a yo-yo dieter, mostly because my husband wasn't interested in losing weight. So I'd come home and sit in front of the TV with him instead of runniing or working out. Now he is fully supportive and pushing me to be better and he is down 35lbs because he decided to make a change too! Sometimes it just takes time. Don't give up on him, but don't push him either. I would once a week just ask for him to go for a walk with you. If he says no at least you offered...at some point he will join you.
  • asunnysnowman
    asunnysnowman Posts: 56 Member
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    I'm kind of wondering why you married someone it seems like you don't have anything in common with. I know that sounds rude, but I'm serious. If he was always like this, then it seems illogical that you'd expect him to change his interests.

    Eh, I married someone who's my polar opposite. Sometimes it just works
  • rfarinha
    rfarinha Posts: 388 Member
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    There must be some things that you and your husband enjoy doing together. He may be thinking, "my wife would rather be on a bike ride by herself, then doing something with me..." ?

    What is important, is that each of you allows the other the time and space to do what you love, and then come together and enjoy each other on mutual ground. You don't have to love to do everything together.

    By the way... my husband used to be a loooooooong distance cyclist. He would train and ride hours on end week after week. We are talking completing 5 double centuries (200 miles) in one year type of long distance, as well as racing as part of a 2-person team 508.5 miles through death valley in 29.5 hours. Needless to say that I was not into doing those types of bike rides. But I suppported him, and even drove the support vehicle on the 508 mile race. Doing these long rides/races made him happy, but I don't think me doing them with him would have made him happier. (and for what it's worth... my husband and I have been married through our ups and downs for almost 23 years)

    Find other friends to do these activities with, but come home happy, energized, and enjoy different things with your husband.

    Good luck!
  • lizard053
    lizard053 Posts: 2,344 Member
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    Wow, that's a toughie! Maybe you and your husband can come up with some sort of compromise about being active? You watch a movie with him, he goes for a walk with you? He may enjoy that more than he's willing to admit to. :wink:

    My BF and I have similar goals regarding fitness, but completely different methods of getting there. He wants to get more flexible, but won't take a yoga class with me. It can be frustrating. Some days I feel like the only time we're together is when we're sleeping! :grumble: But it has to be a choice we both make. At least he goes for walks with me some evenings, and he's good about getting away from the house on the weekends. Or if we are at home, we're working in the garden or cleaning together.

    You have a 3 year old that you can raise to be as active as you are! Take him outside to play! Get him to help you out around the house. Encourage healthy habits now. It's amazing how active a child can be! Right now he's not old enough to really work out with you, but he might enjoy being a part of your workouts. Running stroller? Just an idea.

    I really hope you can get feeling better about things! It's really difficult when you really have to do it on your own.
  • CarlaMichelle
    CarlaMichelle Posts: 67 Member
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    you're not rude, you're honest!!! when my husband and i started dating i had just gone from being 215 pounds down to 145 pounds. i did it thru weight watchers and cardio every morning at 5am. Alot of things have changed since then and my weight has gone up and down in our 4 years together but the biggest thing to happen to me was finding out that i loved being active. So no i don't expect him to change even though i have. my goal was to get some advice on how to be happy with what i have.
  • CarlaMichelle
    CarlaMichelle Posts: 67 Member
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    Thank you to everyone who posted!!! I do feel a little better! it's good to be reminded that i did fall in love with him for a reason so i need to evaluate that. We used to do things together, mostly the movies or a favorite TV show, and board games... alot has changed because we have this toddler that takes up so much of our time and almost all of our money LOL, but he does go to sleep eventually and i really need to sit down with my DH and plan some together time. As for the running buddy to keep me company, i've been looking for one for a long time. i found one late last year but it didn't work out, she wasn't ready to commit to her active lifestyle. Cross your fingers for me with my daughter, i want to have a close relationship with her adn i'm still looking for something we can share. I do like to run alone it is so theraputic. My main issue was that i felt like my family was made up of ships passing in the night.
  • CarlaMichelle
    CarlaMichelle Posts: 67 Member
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    You are not alone in this category. My husband owns his own Construction Company so he is outside most of the spring, summer, and fall. I don't expect him to go outside again after being out there in 80 degree weather all day. He also likes video games, computer, and tv as well. He does this to relax. Me, I work in an office all day long, so I do enjoy getting out and walking, etc. I have 3 boys under the age of 8, so for me, it is my time for myself. I find it easier to be alone to clear my head and just relax while working out. I also do exercises in the house (Wii) and sometimes my husband watches tv on the other tv that is used for games. I don't think that your relationship is doomed just because he doesn't want to get out and do the same things as you. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.

    Yeah, my husband can't stand to be hot so he does't like to be outside at all... i have to laugh because when we play Wii he will not get off the couch, i dont' care if it affects his score he says a game you have move to plan is unamerican LOL.... anyway thanks for the pep talk.
  • opus649
    opus649 Posts: 633 Member
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    Just my meager $0.02, but my suggestion is to start by determining what you *need* from him (as your husband). That's not an easy question to answer, but I think it's an important one. Do you *need* him to be active with you? Do you *need* him to tell you jokes? Do you *need* him to talk to you and listen about your day? There is no right or wrong answer - only you can know what you need from your husband. And you're allowed to have needs... it's ok.... it's a basic part of being human! But *wants* are not *needs* and I think that's an important distinction.

    Once you've figured out what you need, if you find you have a need that he is not meeting (and you feel that, as your husband, it's his job to meet it and nobody else's), then sit him down and be honest with him. Ask him if he's willing to meet it. Then go from there.

    I think I read somewhere that love isn't really a feeling - it's an action, especially in marriage. If your husband loves you, he will be wiling to meet your needs if he is capable of doing so. Just make sure you present it as your need:

    I need you to listen to me when I'm sad, are you willing to do that?

    vs

    You never listen to me when I'm sad. You need to start doing that for me to be happy.

    Anyway.... best of luck!
  • Helenatrandom
    Helenatrandom Posts: 1,166 Member
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    If you want to do things together (and hopefully he does, too), then you both need to give a little. Is it exercise he objects to, or outdoors? If it's the outdoors, you can go bowling together, indoor swimming pool, museums (you have to walk in a museum, right?). If it's exercise, you can go to outdoor concerts, have picnics in the park, maybe even go to a botanical garden (even though you'd have to walk, you'd also be able to sit and enjoy the foliage together.)
    Also compromise by sharing things you don't like with him once in a while, and mentioning that you'd like him to join you for a walk, swim, whatever to keep you company.

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