Jealousy and Hopelessness

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DLDzioba
DLDzioba Posts: 422 Member
in Motivation and Support
I try not to dwell on negative emotions most of the time but sometimes it happens.

I have been watching through past seasons of The Biggest Loser because I found I enjoyed the show and I am an impatient woman, so waiting for new episodes on hulu can feel akin to torture. I'm in the later part of season seven now, episode 16, the make over episode. I look forward to make over week because I've got a bit of a fashion bug in me that's starved for attention. But I think this particular episode has had the most real moment I have ever seen on the biggest loser and it has nothing to do with a contestant.

Each contestant got to reveal their make over to a member or two of their family. The brown team, though, are the ones that got to me. The brother/son of the father/son team was there and he was fat like his father and brother had been. He had a pretty big emotional break down in seeing the both of them again. Yes, he was incredibly happy for them, but he was also jealous and felt hopelessly left behind.

This is probably the first emotional break down on biggest loser that I can REALLY understand. I am just like that. I love seeing my friends and family do well, but at the same time it can really put me in a dark place. Particularly if you do not see the person every day as they're working their butt off to shed the pounds it can feel like for them it just melted off with the snap of a finger. Logically I know that that is not the case but when you look up one day and suddenly this person is now FIT and looking VERY good it's a little unnerving.

I tried the weight loss thing a few years ago, my brother had gotten hard-core into fitness and I felt the need to join in after seeing how well it worked for him. I lost about 40 pounds then but I didn't feel any different. I didn't feel I looked any different and I could tell that my brother had this brand new body, and my best friend was doing it along with us and I could see her progress too. The biggest reason I stopped was I felt that my struggle was hopeless. These people all around me were doing so well and looked so good. I felt like I was exactly the same so I wondered what the point of all of it was.

I still get overwhelmed with it. I've been battling the scale for almost a month now sitting at about the same spot. I've not weighed myself in about a week and I'm trying not to dwell on it but at times it's like... If I see this freaking number again I am going to rip my hair out and eat nothing but grapefruit and laxatives for a month(No not really!!!!).

How do you combat the hopeless feelings you get? The jealousy over other people's successes?
I'd love to know how you guys cope because some days it just feels like I can't and even compliments feel like someone is mocking me.

Replies

  • finchest
    finchest Posts: 245 Member
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    i understand this feeling completely, and i remember that scene. it was very sad and difficult to watch.

    i relate to what you're describing, though i think i feel more hopeless than jealous, and immediately defeated before i've ever really given it a shot. i have to say, counseling really helped me focus my attention back on being me and doing things for the personal rewards of feeling like i'm taking care of myself and my health rather than comparing my looks or feeling like i have to do anything to gain someone else's approval.

    books by Cheri Huber have also really helped me. they seem extremely hokey when you pick them up (they're handwritten and have lots of drawings, very quick reads) - i strongly recommend the book "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber

    reading it was a total and complete revelation...

    i recently read her book "making a change for good" which has a guided program for 30 days. I'm on day 20 of the 30 day program, and I intend to start it over again when it's over. that program has helped me support myself rather than look for support from results or other people.

    anyway, i understand how you feel, i'm sorry you feel that way, and i do think there are many things that can help you have a more positive outlook about yourself and the amazing effort you're putting in to your health.
  • DLDzioba
    DLDzioba Posts: 422 Member
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    I'll check out those books.
  • LastMinuteMama
    LastMinuteMama Posts: 590 Member
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    I have definitely had that feeling of jealousy and hopelessness, well, more frustration than hopelessness and this is how I was able to turn it around...

    When I became friends with a mom of my son's friend, she was pretty heavy and I was just carrying around an extra 20lbs. I would run every now and again, but I really wasn't really working hard to loose my extra weight. Soon my friend had started running and was getting healthy. She worked extremely hard at it. I would ask her to run with me and she would shy away and say that she would never be able to keep up with me. { she had it in her head that because I was smaller, I must be fast or something } Anyway, a year goes by and we do end up running together...she has clearly surpassed me in running. I am feeling pangs of jealousy, but do nothing. We ended up running in the same road race over the summer...she blew me away and even finished ahead of my friend's husband who's in fantastic shape. Finally, after a 5K last September, she came up to me and congratulated me that I had run a 10 and something minute mile and that I was really improving. The compliment was nice and she meant it, but for me I was so frustrated that I was still running that slow, I was pissed at my self that I wasn't putting in the hard work she had. At that point, my jealousy over her great progress and my slow progress turned around.

    I asked her for advice. I ran with her more. I put more effort in. I have seen dramatic changes in my running...I've also finally shed some of those extra pounds.

    So, how does this relate to you? Those people who have succeeded and might have even surpassed you in this healthy lifestyle....enlist them to help you. Turn the jealousy around ~ make it work for you. I can tell you now that I have improved my running, where before I used to sit and be jealous of what my friend was accomplishing, I would be happy to help someone else. I would put money on the fact that these people who have succeeded know how very hard it is and would love to help you succeed too!

    I think the most important thing is also, you....you need to know that you are worth it and you are!!! We are all worth it and you CAN do this, don't give up!!!

    BTW, I looked at your progress pictures and you ARE doing great...just imagine where you'll be down the road!
  • DLDzioba
    DLDzioba Posts: 422 Member
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    I think part of my current mental roadblock is that the last time I did the weightloss thing I hitg a 30 pound loss and stalled and that is where I am again.
  • withchaco
    withchaco Posts: 1,026 Member
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    40 pounds is a huge progress. One thing I learned from my weight loss is that you cannot trust the mirrors in your house. You can't use them to gauge your progress. In my bathroom mirror, I look exactly the same as I did back when I wore XXL (I now wear S). I can see the difference if I catch myself in a mirror in an unfamiliar place, though.

    So if you're losing pounds or inches, don't let the mirror depreciate your progress. If you've lost 30 pounds, go to a store and try smaller sizes (from the same brand you've been wearing). You might find yourself fitting perfectly in a size that you hadn't fit before.
  • mamabear272
    mamabear272 Posts: 268 Member
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    I know which season you're talking about. I can tell you that the 2 contestants went home and worked with the brother and he's lost a considerable amount of weight. It will happen for you as long as you work to make it happen.

    Personally, it makes me more sad to watch BL and realize that I've tried and failed many times and these people are making progress and I'm still in the same situation that I was 4 years ago. And most of the women are much bigger than I am. I get so mad at myself for not sticking with things. Where would I be now if I had??

    I am totally sticking with it this time! I have to! And so can you. Let me tell you, 40 lbs is nothing to scoff at! That's an amazing loss and it's nothing to be ashamed of. And withchaco is right, don't depend on the mirror. Too many overweight people never really see what is really there when they lose weight!
  • Angelap1121
    Angelap1121 Posts: 18
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    I completely understand what you mean. I feel like that all the time, because I want to be super supportive, but I just don't lose pounds quickly. I have to focus on what is working for me. For instance, my clothes fit and I am getting back into clothes that I haven't been able to get into for over a year. Or when I'm walking (never thought I would actually look forward to walking!), I have to tell myself that I am moving and not on the couch and even if the scale isn't going down now it will eventually. Honestly, I have to remove myself sometimes from my friends so I don't resent them. I hate that about myself, but it's just how I am. Do what you are doing, focus on your bad *kitten* goals and the progress you are making and try not to focus on pounds other people are losing.
  • DLDzioba
    DLDzioba Posts: 422 Member
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    I don't feel bad watching progress on the biggest loser because I know that what they're doing is a dramatic change of life and it's not something they can do once they get home. I am doing it with Job and fiancee and family and friends and temptations more than once a week. I don't have a trainer. I know I am not going to lose 80lbs in 16 weeks or whatever. I know it's slower. I just get jealous of people I see in real life.
  • amymrls
    amymrls Posts: 1,673 Member
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    I totally know how you feel. I have given up so many times in these last few years. Sometimes I felt weightloss was pointless. I couldn't even tell I lost any weight until I had lost 60 lbs... 60lbs! I still look in the mirror sometimes and tell myself you are never going to get there. You might as well quit.

    Still I get up and make myself workout, more workout than eat right because I love good food... Just had to learn to eat less of the yummy stuff. Much love to you and thanks for sharing your thoughts.
  • fitnessbudget
    fitnessbudget Posts: 53
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    Try listening to the podcast by the previous 'Biggest Loser' traianer, Jilian Michaels...You can get it on iTunes for free... she has a lot of back podcasts on plateaus.
  • kidrobot3
    kidrobot3 Posts: 63 Member
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    I feel this way a lot. When I was in high school and I was heavy and my mother was heavy, I busted my butt and lost 50 lbs and kept it off for 6 years while my mom remained over weight. Then I got pregnant and gained 80 lbs, and my mom got skinny while I just got bigger and bigger. Right now I have 60 lbs to lose, I'm a jealous mess. I remind myself that she probably felt the same way watching me lose weight and that I put in much more work than I am now.

    I'm kicking it up a notch, obviously I have more responsibility in my life right now being a single mom going through divorce, but I have to make that time for myself again.
  • finchest
    finchest Posts: 245 Member
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    I don't feel bad watching progress on the biggest loser because I know that what they're doing is a dramatic change of life and it's not something they can do once they get home. I am doing it with Job and fiancee and family and friends and temptations more than once a week. I don't have a trainer. I know I am not going to lose 80lbs in 16 weeks or whatever. I know it's slower. I just get jealous of people I see in real life.

    Your jealousy probably isn't helping your progress, and it isn't helping you feel good about the changes you're making..in fact, if anything, it's probably causing you to be even more critical of yourself even though you've already lost 30 amazing pounds!

    this is why i suggest maybe checking out those books or finding a therapist or something... It is really hard work -- much harder than losing weight -- to love ourselves NO MATTER WHAT weight we are, and to motivate ourselves to lose weight for our own well being rather than for the compliments or jealousy of others that may come...

    I don't know, all I can say is I understand your position completely, and I think it takes a different frame of mind to overcome that. and for me, finding that frame of mind is a work in progress and much much much harder than diet and exercise will ever be. "There is Nothing Wrong with you" by Cheri Huber & therapy & a long term commitment to be active and mindful of what i eat every day have all been what's worked for me.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    It's hardest to see progress when you are judging yourself. I can look at your pictures in your profile and see the weight gone but since you see yourself in the mirror every day you won't notice it like strangers comparing pictures will.

    Please read this link:
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/9433-expectations

    It's common to want to give up at around the third month. I know I did when I hit that time frame. I opted to maintain for about a month and a half (through the holidays) and picked it up again on January 1st. If your head isn't in the game, it is perfectly ok to change to maintenance for a little bit and then come back to it. I just suggest you keep logging in here every so often so you can get inspired to jump back in as soon as you are ready again. Just don't leave it for so long that you have to start over from scratch.
  • lorro
    lorro Posts: 917 Member
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    I wondered if this problem was due to self criticism. If you felt you could get there then the progress of others would be inspiring and motivate you to lose. The fact that it has the opposite effect would tend to suggest that you are comparing and making a judgement that they can do it but you can't. That's what leads to the feelings of jealousy and hopelesness.

    Self criticism is a toxic habit which is very hard to break. The first step is realising when you do it, then observing the effect it has and understanding that it maintains problems like this. When you feel these emotions ask youself, "what was I thinking just then?" as often the internal dialogue is slightly outside of consciousness. Then imaging yourself saying that to a friend trying to lose weight and think about the effect that may have.

    If you have problem being your own worst critic elsewhere in your life then it's worth trying to get help to try and break the habit, as it's usually developed from childhood in response to a critical environment. That's what makes it hard to change, it feels wrong, unsafe even. It can be changed though and it's remarkable what people can achieve when they are released from the burden of self prejudice.

    Posting about it here is the first step, hopefully that will be enough for you to think differently about what leads to these feelings, ease up yourself a little and give yourself the encouragement you need to stick with it through the 30 pound mark and onwards. Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • gazz777au
    gazz777au Posts: 157 Member
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    I don't care for BL - it is "reality" TV.

    Here is my inspiration for overcoming and doing something ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY
  • Mamoonie
    Mamoonie Posts: 328
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    Well, I'm on the other side of the situation.
    I started on MFP in August 2010, my daughter started in September, a month later than me. I started personal training in January 2011, she started in April, 3 months later than me. Though she does not have as many trainer sessions than me, because she's abroad for uni studies, she still gets programs to do.
    So far I have lost 52 lbs, she's only lost 20. I lost 4 clothing sizes, she only lost 2. We had 2 trainer lessons together in May last year and I was doing things better than her.

    It's not easy for me to enjoy my progress, because I know that every lb I lose, brings me nearer to her, every clothing size I lose, makes me fit better into her clothing size. I'm scared to one day surpass her and weigh less than she does.
    I have a bad conscience to be more successful than my daughter, even though we use the same MFP and exercise with the same trainer. It should be the other way round. She's 20 years younger than me, she eats way better than I do, she's got some 65 lbs to lose in total, I have home 90 lbs to lose, so it's not even the fact that I have so much more to lose than she has.

    She says she's not jealous, she sure isn't hopeless. She does not give up at all which I'm happy about! Even our trainer is worried that she might get depressed because of the difference in our progress.

    The person who is left behind sure is jealous, and may feel hopeless, and might even lose motivation and be scared to fail.
    But the person who is ahead has to deal with negative feelings too, which are fear to hurt, bad conscience, sorry, fear to enjoy the success.
    It works on both sides!

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