Friendship advice--- not mfp-related

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mslack01
mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
edited November 2024 in Chit-Chat
I know this has nothing to do with mfp, so feel free to ignore this totally....but if you would like to jump in and give some advice, I would appreciate it.

I have been friends with a girl for 7 years. We have daughters the same age who are also friends. We met when we were going through divorces and were support for each other during that time. When I remarried, she was in my wedding and vice versa. This woman tends to be closed off a lot of times. She withdraws from people when she is going through something. I--on the other hand, talk to anyone who will listen about my problems (as you can see here). Her current hubby and mine are friends and we all used to hang out a lot with/without our kids.

Her hubby was on a pool league with me and my hubby and we would hang out every Thursday night. She did not come because she stayed home with their four kids (two for each of them). They were having a lot of problems during that time period, and her hubby was confiding in me and my hubby about it. In the middle of their big problems, she got pregnant. Then she found out that the baby had major complications. During her pregnancy, she withdrew from me a lot. And I could understand because she was going through so much, and I really didn't know what to do or say for her. Long story short, she delivered the baby still-born on my 40th birthday. I spent the entire day with her at the hospital that day.

We were there for her after the loss of her baby, helping her to make arrangements, and arranging for people to bring them food. A couple of months later on her birthday, she had a complete meltdown (almost suicidal) and I went to her and stayed with her and me and my hubby talked her through it. She and her kids came and stayed at my house that night because all of the emotions she was dealing with were causing problems with her and her hubby. Since that night (middle of January), I have tried several times to get her to do things with me. One day, she did go with me shopping. Every other time, she has made an excuse. Her parents were down for a week and not once did she invite us over while they were there (that's the second time since the baby was born---and we used to always get together and hang out with her parents when they visited).

So, anyway, last night I open Facebook and her 13 year old daughter posted that my friend is pregnant. So I texted her and her hubby to see if it was true. And they said it was and they were happy. It wasn't planned, but they were excited. I texted her back that I was really happy for them. But now I am upset about how I found out. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would call my friend and tell her. And that is what she did the first time she was pregnant. Now, admittedly, if the roles were reversed I might hesitate because I know she has just lost a baby, but I have not lost a baby. There was no reason for her to hesitate in telling me. She has to know I wouldn't have been judgemental because I'm not that way.

Anyway, I am really upset that she didn't call me and tell me or at least text me. It makes me feel like our friendship doesn't matter to her anymore. Honestly, am I wrong to feel like that? I'm considering emailing both her and her husband to tell them how that made me feel, but I just think maybe I should let it go and "it is what it is". Guess that friendship has run its course.

I'm sorry that this is so long, but I thought you should know the background.

Replies

  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    It sounds to me like she is severely depressed. When someone is that depressed, just putting one foot in front of the other takes every bit of energy you have. Most people who are that depressed pull into themselves and don't even realize that they have withdrawn. I don't think it's a reflection on you and how she feels about you. I just think she is barely able to function right now.
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    WOAH! Take a step back - everything is not always about you. I am sorry to sound harsh, but you are saying ME ME ME. You should be there for your friend. You found out because her kid couldn't keep her mouth shut. Maybe they were not ready to tell ANYONE AT ALL and the kid let it out. In fact, many people will keep a pregnancy a secret after having a still born or miscarriage because they are scared that it will happen again. Be a good friend, and don't judge her for not telling you first. Matters not how you found out, now you know.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    It sounds to me like she is severely depressed. When someone is that depressed, just putting one foot in front of the other takes every bit of energy you have. Most people who are that depressed pull into themselves and don't even realize that they have withdrawn. I don't think it's a reflection on you and how she feels about you. I just think she is barely able to function right now.

    That makes sense. I didn't think of it that way. Thank you for your comment.
  • debbiestine
    debbiestine Posts: 265 Member
    OK it sounds like you have been very supportive to her during her rough times. Let this slide, she is still mourning the loss of the 1st child. She needs support so just keep offering help or to do things together. I hope one day she can tell you how much you mean to her- you've been a great friend. I hope you guys can remain couple friends and that your bonds with strengthen in the years to come. Also I hope she is there for you too when you need her...
  • bikinibeliever
    bikinibeliever Posts: 832 Member
    It sounds to me like she is severely depressed. When someone is that depressed, just putting one foot in front of the other takes every bit of energy you have. Most people who are that depressed pull into themselves and don't even realize that they have withdrawn. I don't think it's a reflection on you and how she feels about you. I just think she is barely able to function right now.

    I totally agree with ^^^^^^and couldn't have said it better.
    Keep in mind that many people keep the next pregnancy a secret after losing a baby. I would say continue to be there for her and see if things get better.
  • tehzephyrsong
    tehzephyrsong Posts: 435 Member
    WOAH! Take a step back - everything is not always about you. I am sorry to sound harsh, but you are saying ME ME ME. You should be there for your friend. You found out because her kid couldn't keep her mouth shut. Maybe they were not ready to tell ANYONE AT ALL and the kid let it out. In fact, many people will keep a pregnancy a secret after having a still born or miscarriage because they are scared that it will happen again. Be a good friend, and don't judge her for not telling you first. Matters not how you found out, now you know.

    ^ Seconding this as well as taking your friend's depression into account. Both are probably the case, to some degree. It's *far* more likely that she and her husband are just being cautious and trying not to tempt fate, rather than intentionally keeping her pregnancy a secret from just you in particular for some altogether bizarre reason. When you hear hoofbeats, expect horses, not zebras.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    I agree that she sounds clinically depressed.

    Sometimes friendships can last through that but other times they don't. Something similar happened to my wife and her "best" friend. They were like kindred spirits for years, then the friend got into a severe bout of depression and the whole relationship changed. At first the friend just seemed disinterested, then as my wife tried harder to help and repair the freindship, the friend got downright mean in a very weird way. Long story short, my wife ended up having to give up on the friendship altogether and we haven't seen or spoken to them for three years now.
  • minimaggie
    minimaggie Posts: 224 Member
    As a mother who has lost her only child, I can tell you that the loss changes every aspect of your life. I shut out my closest friends, the ones that knew her the best and we spent the most time with, the memories can be and are over-whelming sometimes. I didn't even realize I was doing it. My best friend came to me and just said "Hey I miss and love you!!! I know you are hurting and I am here no matter what!!!" Her patience and tenacity is what saved our friendship and we are closer now than ever before.

    As the woman on the the other side, my suggestion is to just be there, push where you think you need to, but just show her your love. The friendship will come back.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    As a mother who has lost her only child, I can tell you that the loss changes every aspect of your life. I shut out my closest friends, the ones that knew her the best and we spent the most time with, the memories can be and are over-whelming sometimes. I didn't even realize I was doing it. My best friend came to me and just said "Hey I miss and love you!!! I know you are hurting and I am here no matter what!!!" Her patience and tenacity is what saved our friendship and we are closer now than ever before.

    As the woman on the the other side, my suggestion is to just be there, push where you think you need to, but just show her your love. The friendship will come back.

    Thanks Maggie! It helps to hear from someone who has been through it. A lot of people have told me to put myself in her shoes, but its hard to do that when I have never been there. Not trying to be judgemental at all, but just care and don't want to lose the friendship.
  • FORIANN
    FORIANN Posts: 273 Member
    Another approach you might have, that is admittedly a little more Buddhist in nature, is simply to embrace the temporal nature of life...the ebb and flow of it. Perhaps you and I will become good friends sometime next year, due to circumstances, but we will not always be close. You can never step into the same river twice and things in life are never the same from one moment to the next. Stop now and take the time to appreciate the beautiful life that you have and the dear sweet friendships you hold so closely because they will all pass away. Most of the anxiety people have in this life is trying so hard to embrace and hold onto these temporary things...which will, in the end, pass away. Open yourself up to change. I have removed friends from facebook because we are no longer close and may not even talk anymore..and that is fine. It does not mean I don't care about them...I just let the river flow on. Don't get hurt over something like this, instead be happy for your friend and try to reinforce the bridge between the two of you, but if it is not to be then graciously let it go.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    Thanks Toho! That is something that I definitely need to consider. I DO tend to try to hang on to things and not let go.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    first facebook is the devil...are you sure that the teenager did not jump the gun about disclosing the pregnancy? Given the nature of her previous loss, my hunch is she was probably trying to keep things under wraps in case of something happening again. it is very common for those who have gone through that to keep additional pregnancies quiet until they know for sure everything is ok.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    After hearing everyone else's thoughts on the subject, I think I have just been too sensitive about the whole thing. That's why I posted it here for people who did not know us. So that I could get an objective opinion. I appreciate everyone's feedback and I am just going to try to be there for her as I have been in the past.
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