ladies help please
Abrowe313
Posts: 189 Member
I am frustrated and concerned about my fiances weight. we both gained weight when she was pregnant with our son and got into a horrible fast food habbit because thats all she wanted when she was pregnant. but that was 5 years ago and she weighs more now than she did at delivery. i finaly got her to join the gym with me because she has 2 weddings to stand up in in September and she wants to lose weight for them. she worked out at the gym with me 1 time then went 3 times on her own and hasnt been back for almost 3 weeks. i try to be encouraging and supportive. but im starting to get pissed because we agreed to do this together and its very hard for me to stay on track with my diet when shes ordering pizza and bringing other tempting food into the house. i love her now at her current weight as much as i did when we first met. but i want us both to get healthier for our son and ourselves and im starting to feel like its a losing battle with her. i dont want to be pushy or insulting to her in any way. but how can i encourage her and inspire her to want this again? she said how great she felt after working out when she first joined the gym, and now she just makes excuses for why she cant go, and if i call her on it im an *kitten*.
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Be very careful with this one....First, she has to find her motivation and choose to make the changes for herself. No one else can do that for her no matter how much they want it for her and how much their motives for wanting it come from love and concern. For many of us, words and actions from our spouse of SO that they intend as supportive and encouraging are not taken as such. Weight can be a very touch subject for women.
I have an amazing husband who has tried to be supportive and encouraging to me at times in my life when I just was not in the right frame of mind to tackle getting healthy. As great as he tried to be, I got my feelings hurt at times and found myself wondering if it was really about appearance. I told myself that I was in the relationship for love and no matter what happened to him, illness, disease, weight gain, hair loss, disfigurment, nothing would change how I felt, but was it the same for him. Silly, I know, but it's how I felt at the time, and honestly, I am one of the more rational, laid back people I know. However, once I made up my mind and came to the decision (a serious decision, not just saying the words, but meaning it), the same actions and words are now appreciated.
My poor hubby...I really do feel bad about how confusing it must be for him.
Be strong and make the changes you want to make for yourself even if she doesn't come along on the journey right now. Maybe in the long run your success will be just the inspiration she needs to get her on the right track. Good luck to you both.0 -
Bump for female perspective.
See, I'm single and plan on being single forever (LOL) so I have absolutely nothing of substance to contribute; however, a relationship should be 50/50. If she isn't making you happy, that's a serious issue to me. It sounds like you care about her a lot, and I bet you go out of your way to try to make her smile, so she should reciprocate too - especially if you just want her to stop ordering pizza and go to the gym with you!
I found this article for you: http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_150/153_love_tip.htmlBy exercising together, not to mention building better bodies together, you will start to communicate more adequately and maintain a physical attraction for one another that'll last well past the honeymoon.
If you don't know it by now, exercise, much like sex, stimulates the release of endorphins in the brain, which provides a natural "high," so to speak. So you'll feel great exercising and you'll feel even greater watching your woman bend over in her yoga pants.
You just got to figure out what will motivate her!0 -
sschoolfield ... she says all the time she wants to lose the weight she just lacks motivation , when she does work out she says she loves how she feels after and she wants to keep doing it, then she will take a day or two off then that turns into a week. i know her very well and i dont want to see her crying about not staying in the gym and working on her weight when these weddings roll around.
fieldsy..... for the most part it is a 50/50 thing with us, we put alot of this weight on together and i want to be there for her to help get it all off. other than this she does make me very happy!0 -
Gotcha - just lookin out for you bro. Hmmm... You just need to get her to want to lose the weight. I remember when I was husky, my GF at the time wanted me to go running with her and wanted me to eat more vegetarian meals - too bad I hate running and need my meat! That advice clearly didn't work for me - but then I learned how to eat healthier on my own and started doing cardio BESIDES running, and now I'm addicted.
I guess my point is, you just need to show her the way. Keep up your progress and in a little while, I bet she'll want to start tagging along more!0 -
Here's the deal - you can't make her get healthier, you can't say anything to motivate or inspire her. She has to want to do it herself and the biggest inspiration you can be for her is to do it yourself. You're a guy so you're probably a "fixer" like most men in which you see a problem and you want to fix it. She's just not ready to fix it yet.
My husband getting fit to get off his blood pressure meds was my biggest motivator. However, we have had some speed bumps along the way. The few times he asked me to go walk around the block with him, I was so resistant to it. He bought me a week trial at the gym so we could go together. I went once. When he asked me to go again, I made excuses. Of course, he doesn't know it but my brother (who went with us) made some derogatory remarks about the way my butt shakes when I'm on the elliptical. I'm too self-conscious to go when I know I'm jiggling like a bowlful of Jello. Sorry, not gonna happen. Something similar may have happened to your wife when she went on her own and she's too embarrassed to mention it or she doesn't want you making a scene on her behalf.
In any case, I advise some patience on your end. Let her watch you get sexier and she'll eventually jump in. I completely understand that it is frustrating to you that she brings home food like pizza but again, you can't force her to change when she isn't ready. Eventually, she is going to look at you getting all sexy and she's going to get off her butt and do it. She might not do it the same way you're doing it though. My husband and I are doing two different things - he is doing low carb and I am eating what I want in smaller portions including things like pizza.
Now, I can understand asking her to not bring home pizza. I could understand even more both of you compromising by you asking her to store her junk food in places that you know to stay out of (like a specific cabinet or shelf in the fridge).0 -
It could be she's feeling intimidated at the gym. Work up to it. Start walking with her and your son. Offer to do more of the shopping so you can bring healthier food into the house.0
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I agree with sschoolfield. This journey is hard.. Be like you are. Supportive and working on you. I know this is hard. I hope she comes around sooner then later.. And dude, you stick to it! Remember, you model behavior for those around you!0
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Life would be so much easier if we could make people do what we want them to do. She can say she wants to lose weight, but wanting it enough to commit to doing something about it is a whole different ball of wax. I agree with dovesgate - you need to work on yourself, make sure she understands she is welcome to join you in eating your meals and going to the gym with you, and let her come to healthier living on her own.
Now where you can push harder is when it comes to your child. Make sure what your kid is eating is healthy and similar to what you are eating. Make sure your kid is getting good exercise and make that mandatory family time - walks, riding bikes, swimming, playing ball, etc. I'm not saying manipulate her into participating, but set a firm boundary that your child is going to be healthy and live an active life and agree that you both need to set the example.
Good luck to you. i know loved ones have tried to make me see the light in the past, but I really did have to feel enough of my own pain to realize I needed to make a big change.0 -
As a woman.....I think you can't win if you try to push it, so you're right there!
I think if you spend enough time at the gym and start looking healthy and fit, and if you are going to classes with a lot of gym ladies, you might find she feels a need to go with you
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Gaining weight while pregant and losing it is hard atfer having a baby. Sit her down and talk to her let her know how you feel and that she is hurting you as well as herself. I have kept the weight from my last baby and when i went over 200 llbs i said thats it. Ask her does she want to realy lose the weight? What does she need to be motivated again? What plans can you make together and keep to that plan. Be firm about not eating out anymore. Go out maybe once or twice aweek but watch where you eat. Ask her to look at your child does she want to set a good example for them or a bad one? Include your little one in some exercises and get her to do them with them.0
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It is so difficult as a mom to find that extra oomph to do one more thing in the day. That being said, you just have to keep motoring toward your goal. She will most likely follow your lead. You can't drag her along though. She has to do it for herself. You can make good food choices, even when she's choosing crap.
You could also talk to her, choose your moment carefully, and find out if there is anything stopping her. Maybe she'd rather go for walks or hikes as a family then the gym. The gym just doesn't do it for some people. I would also suggest having her thyroid and blood glucose tested.
Don't let your worry and frustration get the best of your relationship. Continue to be her lover and friend. I think she'll see how awesome you are doing and will get on board.0 -
Be very careful with this one....First, she has to find her motivation and choose to make the changes for herself. No one else can do that for her no matter how much they want it for her and how much their motives for wanting it come from love and concern. For many of us, words and actions from our spouse of SO that they intend as supportive and encouraging are not taken as such. Weight can be a very touch subject for women.
I have an amazing husband who has tried to be supportive and encouraging to me at times in my life when I just was not in the right frame of mind to tackle getting healthy. As great as he tried to be, I got my feelings hurt at times and found myself wondering if it was really about appearance. I told myself that I was in the relationship for love and no matter what happened to him, illness, disease, weight gain, hair loss, disfigurment, nothing would change how I felt, but was it the same for him. Silly, I know, but it's how I felt at the time, and honestly, I am one of the more rational, laid back people I know. However, once I made up my mind and came to the decision (a serious decision, not just saying the words, but meaning it), the same actions and words are now appreciated.
My poor hubby...I really do feel bad about how confusing it must be for him.
Be strong and make the changes you want to make for yourself even if she doesn't cGome along on the journey right now. Maybe in the long run your success will be just the inspiration she needs to get her on the right track. Good luck to you both.
These are wise words indeed (see above). Be strong. Keep getting healthy. And remember that ur weight will fall off more easily than hers. There is no way to make her motivated. U can only keep urself motivated. She will find her motivation, but it will probably be her own doing in time. And sadly until she asks for ur help with it, she isn't gonna want unsolicited advice. Such a landmine for u. Ur kind to be thinking how powerful and painful ur words can be.0 -
Bump for female perspective.
See, I'm single and plan on being single forever (LOL) so I have absolutely nothing of substance to contribute; however, a relationship should be 50/50. If she isn't making you happy, that's a serious issue to me. It sounds like you care about her a lot, and I bet you go out of your way to try to make her smile, so she should reciprocate too - especially if you just want her to stop ordering pizza and go to the gym with you!
I found this article for you: http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_150/153_love_tip.htmlBy exercising together, not to mention building better bodies together, you will start to communicate more adequately and maintain a physical attraction for one another that'll last well past the honeymoon.
If you don't know it by now, exercise, much like sex, stimulates the release of endorphins in the brain, which provides a natural "high," so to speak. So you'll feel great exercising and you'll feel even greater watching your woman bend over in her yoga pants.
You just got to figure out what will motivate her!
Dude, I love your quote! That is so true!
My husbad started training 2 years ago....I complained about my weight for 1 1/2 of those years until I made the decision for myself to make a change. Not to be gross, but my husband and I have a better "relationship" since we have been training together than we have in a long time. Now, the weight loss could have a bit to do with that as well, but the logic behind what that said makes sense.
To the OP....nothing you can say will make her want, or have the motivation, to go back to the gym on a daily basis. That has to be her decision, on her time. I don't agree with sitting her down and talking to her. That will only make her feel...uncomfortable...defensive.... Do what you are doing to make yourself healthy...she will see the changes in you, she may even get jealous of the changes you are making....when whatever it is that "clicks" in her to make that change...she will do it. A suggestion I have....when she orders that pizza, have A slice (or two)...but along with it, say "ya know what, a salad (or other healthy veggie) sounds great, I am going to have one with my pizza, would you like one too?" It's almost like telling her to eat healthy, without actually "harping" that she should eat healthy. But if she says no.....leave it. Good luck to bot h of you. We have all been in her (your) shoes.0 -
This is a great question!!
My advice is to be the example. As others have said, you cannot make/force someone into this journey. But you can continue on YOUR journey, let her see the changes in you, and perhaps she will choose to join you in her own way and time.
You are now an example to your child as well. BE that good example! LIVE that good example!
Perhaps when she wants to order/buy pizza, offer to make a healthier alternative. Make personal pizzas on tortilla shells or pitas, lots of veggies, seasonings, meat if you want. She can get her fix, you can get your healthy meal, win/win! Offer to do the grocery shopping, offer to make half the meals each week, and she'll by default get healthier meals.
Being a parent is difficult. Being an overweight parent is even more difficult. Believe me, I know!! But when we really want to be good role models for our children, it changes to game. I wish you all the best!!0 -
The more you push her the more she will resist.
Like people here already said, just silently lead by example and if she brings unhealthy food in be the strong person and resist and do the opposite (stock up on the healthy stuff).
Might be really difficult but its what would work for me and make me want to jump on the healthy wagon with ya.0 -
One thing I know for myself, and it sounds like for her as well - I HATE PUBLIC GYMS! Do you have enough room in your place to set up an eliptical or a treadmill? Could you find one at a reasonable price on craigslist or somewhere? Can you afford to invest a couple of hundred dollars on weight equipment, a balance ball, a hula hoop? My husband built a weight rack and and a squat rack for me out of scavanged bits of metal. We found used weights on craigslist and he helped me carry them into the house. He encouraged me when I ate properly and was never judgemental when I indulged myself a little. When I balked at doing my exercise, even in the privacy of our house, all he would say was "Its your choice". Now that I've started lifting, he offers to be my spotter.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that although the motivation has to be internal, there are things you can do to make it easier to find that motivation adn encourage any progress she makes. A supportive, but non-judgemental spouse can make so much difference!0
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