I wish I could make the change for him

Nikkei24 · March 2012

Hi,

I have been on this weight loss journey for quite some time. Last year I started however I was not fully committed so much happened last year between natural disasters and getting engaged. I was easily distracted and fell off the wagon so0o many times. I maintained but didn’t lose anything more until the start of this year when I re committed and have been doing very well. (In my opinion). So anyways enough of this lets get to the point. I weighed about 210 when I began dating my fiancé almost 3 years ago. He was around 325. Through out the relationship we definitely both put on some comfort weight. Let’s be honest we put on a lot of comfort weight. I was no longer so comfortable with this supposed “comfort” weight and I needed a change. He and I have always talked about eating better working out more. One would start good habits the other one would continue with the bad. We both thought we knew the best ways to lose and talked about it but never did either. Than finally I had had enough talking and decided I needed to do some walking. 50lbs later here I am. Over a year into the battle making healthier choices and working out at least 4 times a week. Here is the problem although he is on and off trying to eat better he isn’t sticking to it. I don’t want to be discouraging so I tell him to keep at it and eventually it’ll get easier. He even joined MFP. He doesn’t work out. Granted his does work full time and go to college so it doesn’t leave much spare time. I just wish I could get him to get his *kitten* in motion. I don’t want to finally reach my goals and be at my fittest and want to try new things like rock wall climbing, warrior dashes, or nightly bike rides and have to leave him in the dust. I’m marrying this man and I know it is me who has changed and is now into fitness when prior I just talked about it but I need him to follow along. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life working out, playing sports, or doing activities alone or with my girlfriends. I want to be able to do these things with my partner in life (Him) and eventually my children. I need advice. How can I tell him how I’m feeling without hurting his feelings? I love him so the last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. Is there anything I can do or say to get him moving?? Other than what I’m already doing making healthier choices and living what I talk?

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Siannah · March 2012

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to have a long and hard think about this relationship.
You seem to have both gone in a completely different direction. You cannot force someone to become healthy and if he can or will not change, is that something you could accept?

chelleann777 · March 2012

Be the example like you are and eventually it will hit him or not. There is a point where he will have to decide to get serious or just keep going like he is. It doesn't matter how much you talk about getting fit; until he sees for himself that he wants to change his lifestyle it will never stick. Maybe "leaving him in the dust" a few times will be the wakeup call he needs that he wants to be having fun and enjoying life with you not left on the couch alone. Just be supportive and always offer him the chance to join you. Good job on your weight loss, and good luck!

ninerbuff · March 2012

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to have a long and hard think about this relationship.
You seem to have both gone in a completely different direction. You cannot force someone to become healthy and if he can or will not change, is that something you could accept?

THIS. I've seen so many people beat themselves up being unhappy in a relationship they thought was "it". If you're fighting with it now, getting married isn't going to solve the issue. May be time to actually take time off from each other and see how that goes. Try dating other people with the same interests. Sounds harsh, but from an objective point of view, it may be something you need to do.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

original_cake_face · March 2012

Go tell him exactly what you told us. Communication is key in any healthy relationship. Let him know how you're feeling. Tell him you feel like you're drifting apart, but assure him that you want to fix it. Keep on with your weight loss, it should inspire him.

Nikkei24 · March 2012

I love him. I know he loves me. I honestly belive there isn't anything he wouldnt do for me. But I dont want to ask him to lose weight and get active for me because he can only do it for himself in order to be succesful. We do have a ton of fun together we share other things in common. Like tastes in music and movies. Our senses of humor click, we want a lot of the same things in the future. I couldn't imagine walking down the aisle to anyone else. When I myself was obese I never had a problem with his lack of activity obviously cause I also had a lack in activity. I wouldn't leave him because he is the same as the person I fell in love with. He didn't not love me because I was over weight. Nothing in life is black and white. But if I could get him motivated than I wouldnt have a problem.

scorpiomfs · March 2012

Even a small change helps. My boyfriend is not really trying either but he does support me. I buy the groceries and he told me not to buy special for him. I dont keep goodies anymore. when i cook i cook for me and my daughter . He eats it also usually more of it then we do. I pack him a lunch everyday. I use low cal bread, mayo and send him veggies and fruit. If he chooses to buy a burger along with it that is his choice.I do notice he is also dropping a bit of weight also. when he notices it also he might join in. Once a pun a time i was the resistant one. I never believed i could succeed so I did not try. Like the other person said, when hes ready he will be ready. Its not that he dont love you. He isnt confident in his self to make a change just yet. Most of have been there. We have to become confident to start the journey. give him some time.

mo

Nikkei24 · March 2012

Even a small change helps. My boyfriend is not really trying either but he does support me. I buy the groceries and he told me not to buy special for him. I dont keep goodies anymore. when i cook i cook for me and my daughter . He eats it also usually more of it then we do. I pack him a lunch everyday. I use low cal bread, mayo and send him veggies and fruit. If he chooses to buy a burger along with it that is his choice.I do notice he is also dropping a bit of weight also. when he notices it also he might join in. Once a pun a time i was the resistant one. I never believed i could succeed so I did not try. Like the other person said, when hes ready he will be ready. Its not that he dont love you. He isnt confident in his self to make a change just yet. Most of have been there. We have to become confident to start the journey. give him some time.

mo

I fully agree. And Like I said about it isn't that he isn't trying he just will log for 3 days and do well for 2 of them than stop for a few and than go back. Like you said I can't knock him because for my first year I was the same way.

Jessicak02 · March 2012

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to have a long and hard think about this relationship.
You seem to have both gone in a completely different direction. You cannot force someone to become healthy and if he can or will not change, is that something you could accept?

Exactly what I was thinking. Also, if this man is going to be your husband, you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about it if youre comfotable enough talking to strangers about it. Tell him that you need him to join you, that him not caring about himself is going to make you two drift apart. Try tenderness if that doesn't work, try tough love.

najamon · March 2012

You started going with him just the way he was, and to me u need to accept that . You all need to work on communication skills when it comes to eaten healthy. They didn't build Rome over night, so it probably will take time. You love him, so help him realize that he needs to be more active and be healthy. You are the one that's gonna married this guy, so its up to you to make this decision. We can give u pointers and positive adjustments, but when it comes down to it, u have to be the one that lives with it.

Nikkei24 · March 2012

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to have a long and hard think about this relationship.
You seem to have both gone in a completely different direction. You cannot force someone to become healthy and if he can or will not change, is that something you could accept?

Exactly what I was thinking. Also, if this man is going to be your husband, you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about it if youre comfotable enough talking to strangers about it. Tell him that you need him to join you, that him not caring about himself is going to make you two drift apart. Try tenderness if that doesn't work, try tough love.

It isn't a comfort thing obviously since I am marrying him we have talked about way more important things. It's about not hurting him. I tend to be a blunt person. The last thing you want to do to someone who is insecure about their weight is make them even more insecure about it. I'm obviously going to have to say something. I just need help finding the words.

QueenB985 · March 2012

I kind of had the same conversation issue with my mom the other night. She is obese and I fear for her health and safety. And So I simply said to her "The girls (my kids) and I love you very much, and we want you around for a really long time, but you're the one that has to choose to make that happen!" It seemed to help bcause my stepdad informed me she is cooking healthier and she called to tell me she signed up for water Zumba......sweetly being blunt might be an idea. Good luck! I know its a tough issue!

I wish I could make the change for him

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