Need input (work/life)

Sorry, Long. But, has to be in order to explain...

I added this under Motivation and Support because it's not really chit chat. I need some input and maybe a little gut check. It's easy to ask these kinds of questions because I don't know anyone personally. Myabe, someday.

Anyway, here's the deal. Over the past 3 or 4 years, my life has gone through some pretty extensive changes. The biggest two things were my divorce and my mother dying. But, there have kind of been other smaller issues too. Fortunately, none of it is health related for me. So, it's just emotional things.

At work, I've been really moving through, and doing great. I was up for a huge promotion; this would have been pretty big for me, and I was stoked. In fact, it was almost like it was to be handed to me. It was right up my alley, I was perfect for it, and it would have meant a lot more money and prestige as well as recognition for all my efforts over the past 14 years or so. However, I didn't get it. So, there's a small part of me that was very disappointed in several ways. 1) I was disappointed in myself that I didn't dazzle them, I mean, I really want to be known for being great at what I do and that greatness be recognized. It's important to me. But, also 2) I was disappointed at the discussion we had about why I wasn't chosen. Keep in mind, I went through 2 rounds of interviews, so I was one of the top 2 or 3 (I don't know how many exactly, I just kow how they work, and it's usually 2 or 3 left to get the the level I got in the interview process). That doesn't count the selection and recommendation process. So, I mean, I did pretty good. But, the discussion really blew the wind out of my sails. It was a really bad week for me. I wanted to quit, but decided that I never quit. I'll hang in there, and keep pushing.

Then, that kind of wore off. Fast forward to this past week. I had been working on several things for a while. Two of the main things I was working on, had huge problems. These problems were basically my fault, for various reasons; either not fully thinking through the process and figuring what needed to be done to avoid these bad things from happening before they happen, or just not engaged enough and not communicating enough with others to really have a tight grip on the situation. So, it really is my fault for the failures. And, my boss is not cool at just letting it go. Even though there's nothing more I can say...I admitted I f***ed up, and identified what went wrong and why and how I'll try to not let that happen again, he still keeps asking questions and leaning on me big time, creating unnecessary pressure. Part of it is that he's doing it because it now impacts him, and he's not happy about having to explain this to our GVP and CIO. I understand, but what's done is done. Ya know? Can't keep beating a dead horse.

So, I've been really thinking hard about all this stuff. Part of it is that I just dont' give a s*** anymore. Ten years ago, it would have been different, but now, my perspective has changed. It just doesn't seem that important to me anymore. But, it's just a freaking drama at work; like the world is going to come unglued. The fact is, it's not.

I wrote all of this detail (and I could write more, but I'm trying to spare you and get to the meat) to say that I'm really thinking of having a heart to heart with my boss, and just telling him that we need to reassign some work, I dont want people reporting to me anymore (we have perfectly capable managers in our area that can take them), and I want to focus on just executing, rather than leading. Now, what this means is that I'll probably somewhat limit my income for the near-term future. And, I'll be signaling to management that I'm out of the game. Now I'm just showing up for a paycheck, so to speak. I wont phrase it that way at all, in fact, I think I can say that I will be more successful in a slightly different role with a leader ahead of me calling the shots, and I'm just executing and making things happen behind the scenes. I think that's more "me" anyway.

It's taking me a long time to figure this out. A few life tragedies and some soul searching, but there's no shame in backing up a notch, right?

I'm realy into a lot of other stuff, and I just want to enjoy life a bit. Money and prestige isn't everything. I kind of just want to slow down and enjoy things. I don't like high pressure, and I don't like having to be the leader and people relying on me for that leadership. But, I do like making things happen and organizing things.

So, what would you think if you were my boss and I approached you with this idea and wanted to sort of back up a couple notches, recognizing my strengths and weaknesses.

I am open to all constructive thoughts.

Hopefully, a few of you can relate. Lemme know your thoughts.

Thanks.