confronting a secret smoker

melaniecheeks
melaniecheeks Posts: 6,349 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok, my husband is supposed to have stopped smoking - he had a heart operation in January so it's really important that he stays off them.

I noticed the smell of smoke yesterday, and when I investigated I found a hidden pack of 10, a box of matches, and I can see where he's putting the butts.

Do I:

1. Ask him? (He may deny, leading to further issues with lying)
2. Confront him with the evidence? (but then I lose the advantage of knowing where his secret hidey hole is)
3. Wait to catch him at it (I know his habits, I could predict when he'll go for a smoke)

And of course, I'm really upset and disappointed, but that's another issue :grumble:

Replies

  • Robbie32
    Robbie32 Posts: 65 Member
    You have to nip the situation in the bud..Talk to your husband and let him know how much this worries you. He may have wanted you to find the evidence because he feels guilty about telling you that he's struggling. Smoking, I think can be as bad a trying to quit heroine...He needs someone to be accountable to be honest open with. I pray that ya'll can beat this habit.
  • Musikelektronik
    Musikelektronik Posts: 739 Member
    Given the obvious health implications for him, just confront him. I mean, if he had a heart operation due, in part, to smoking, there's no sense in dilly-dallying around here.

    I just quit smoking on January 31. It's tough. I've had a strange history with smoking, maybe different from a lot of people's experience. I smoked from about 1990 to 1997. I quit from 1997 to 2004; started smoking secretly (just a few a day) between 2004 and 2005; quit for a year; and then started up "full time" in 2006. Finally quit in January, and I think this will be the last time. I was pretty fed up with it by the time I quit. Besides, it's great now that I'm not spending $250/month on something that stupid!

    Anyway, best of luck to you both. This ain't easy!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Confront him but know that he's probably not going to listen.

    My uncle had a "widow-maker" heart attack that he survived. Before that, he was active and ate mostly healthfully. Smoking was a HUGE contributor to his heart attack. He quit smoking after his heart attack and was on all sorts of drugs to keep him stable. Then slowly, he started smoking again. 2 years after his heart attack, this past February 8th, he had a stroke and died February 12th. It was his worst nightmare being paralyzed on one side and unable to speak or eat. His brain continued to shut down, and it was OUR worst nightmares watching him die a slow death in a hospital. A tiny piece of plaque in his artery created from his smoking killed him.

    He was 4 days away from his 54th birthday. Our family will never be the same without him. His wife and children will never recover from the loss. His father had to watch one of his children go before him. Share that story with him when you confront him. It DOES happen to the people who swear it'll never happen to them. The smoking thing is serious.

    He might ultimately make the choice to continue, but at least you'll know you tried and where you both stand.

    Edited to add: Just print this entire thread out and hand it to him, and say "let me know when you're ready to talk about this.", and walk away.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    before you jump on his case, i would take the approach from a more compassionate stand. you catch more flies with honey.

    but you also have to remember that its his choice to smoke.

    you love this man and i get that. smoking doesnt mean he is a bad person. he is just making bad choices.

    all you can do is express your concern and leave it at that.
  • rissaface
    rissaface Posts: 129 Member
    before you jump on his case, i would take the approach from a more compassionate stand. you catch more flies with honey.

    but you also have to remember that its his choice to smoke.

    you love this man and i get that. smoking doesnt mean he is a bad person. he is just making bad choices.

    all you can do is express your concern and leave it at that.

    I agree with this one. I just quit a month ago. My ex husband used to get on my case about it, and it made me want to smoke even more. Try and be as compassionate as you can. I know it's hard. Good luck.
  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
    No one can convince someone else to quit smoking. The best bet is for you to be supportive, and do not get on his case for smoking.

    Let him know that you know, but try to be a bit compassionate. Quitting smoking sucks, and having someone pressure you about it makes it harder.

    (ex smoker here...)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    You should address your concerns with him, but you can't force him to quit. This is something that he has to choose for himself. Even though it is a health issue, you probably just need to let him work through this on his own. You don't want to nag him about it. Just make sure that he knows how you feel, and that it really bothers you that he could hide anything from you, including smoking. Let him know that this is a betrayal and that you are very hurt, but only because he hid it from you. Remind him of how the smoking can affect his health, but then just leave it at that. If he wants to continue smoking, you are just going to have to let him because he won't put them down unless he really wants to.

    I've been smoking most of my adult life with several unsuccessful attempts to quit. Personally, I haven't bought a pack of ciggarettes since September, but I have been known to bum. I might smoke one a week at this point. I know that I am only feeding the psychological aspect as it requires much more nicotine intake to establish the physical cravings, but I can manage to get by this way for now. Maybe eventually I can finally say goodbye to them forever, but it is so much more difficult than people realize.
  • Jill_newimprovedversion
    Jill_newimprovedversion Posts: 988 Member
    This caught my eye- and I want to share this with you- perhaps it *might* trigger something to share with him.

    First of all, I once smoked (years ago) so I DO understand the addiction- and it is a HARD habit to break, just as hard as
    THIS journey of eating better instead of eating JUNK food has been....

    BUT, I quit. Not because of me, but because as much as I'd like to think what I'm doing to MY body is MY business,
    that is NOT true.

    BOTH my parents are DEAD because of the ill effects from their lifestyle choices ( smoking was ONE factor, poor dietary choices was another)....
    ALL my life I heard the same *sermon*...."It's MY life, MY body...and what I do isn't hurting anyone but ME...."

    well, that's NOT true.
    I've had to realize that when it comes to the choices I'm making on THIS journey of the food choices/lifestyle I'm making NOW.

    They're BOTH gone, and the emptiness they've left behind HURTS......it STILL hurts, and my Mom's been gone 10 1/2 yrs, my Dad 5 yrs.....

    Whether I want to think so or not, MY LIFE isn't MY OWN....there are people who LOVE me, and whom I've invested MY life into,
    and leaving them will affect THEIR lives....like it or not....
    How can I say I love them, and yet live so selfishly?

    BTW- lest anyone come up with the same argument I've used (and heard before)....

    I could quit and then get run over by a speeding car.....wouldn't that have been a waste?
    ANSWER: NO, it wouldn't have. My Dad quit smoking and ended up dying later on in life from something somewhat unrelated to the smoking. But he ADDED years to his life because he did quit.
    And he accomplished something he'd brainwashed himself into thinking he'd NEVER be able to do...and that was to QUIT= overcome that hurdle in his life.

    YEP, it is guaranteed we will ALL die someday.....we have NO control over car accidents, plane crashes, acts of terrorism,
    but we DO have control over the things we CAN choose....
    And, since NONE of us live on our own remote little island by ourselves,
    we ALL have those whom we love- and love us- and the choices we make to lead a healthier life-
    and make the MOST of the time we DO have here.....
    WE have a choice in THAT, and a responsibility to make the BEST ones.

    ****and this applies just as much to the choices you and I make regarding what we're doing to OUR bodies******


    Sorry so long, but you triggered something very deeply heart-felt...and I am pullin' for BOTH of you in this!
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    I'd kick his *kitten* and not be so compassionate to be honest. Lol. So selfish and unfair when he's putting his life at risk and got a family. I know its really hard but it just isn't fair. I'd wait to catch him in the act personally. No way to deny it then. Sorry, this must be very frustrating and upsetting. Having just had major surgery myself it was hard for me but also tough on my partner, you've already been through a lot too and its just not fair! X
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    in addition to what I said earlier, he is hiding the smokes because he is ashamed and feels guilty. he probably feels like he will be judged.

    i understand this 100% - i was guilty and ashamed of my smoking for a long time.
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    This caught my eye- and I want to share this with you- perhaps it *might* trigger something to share with him.

    First of all, I once smoked (years ago) so I DO understand the addiction- and it is a HARD habit to break, just as hard as
    THIS journey of eating better instead of eating JUNK food has been....

    BUT, I quit. Not because of me, but because as much as I'd like to think what I'm doing to MY body is MY business,
    that is NOT true.

    BOTH my parents are DEAD because of the ill effects from their lifestyle choices ( smoking was ONE factor, poor dietary choices was another)....
    ALL my life I heard the same *sermon*...."It's MY life, MY body...and what I do isn't hurting anyone but ME...."

    well, that's NOT true.
    I've had to realize that when it comes to the choices I'm making on THIS journey of the food choices/lifestyle I'm making NOW.

    They're BOTH gone, and the emptiness they've left behind HURTS......it STILL hurts, and my Mom's been gone 10 1/2 yrs, my Dad 5 yrs.....

    Whether I want to think so or not, MY LIFE isn't MY OWN....there are people who LOVE me, and whom I've invested MY life into,
    and leaving them will affect THEIR lives....like it or not....
    How can I say I love them, and yet live so selfishly?

    BTW- lest anyone come up with the same argument I've used (and heard before)....

    I could quit and then get run over by a speeding car.....wouldn't that have been a waste?
    ANSWER: NO, it wouldn't have. My Dad quit smoking and ended up dying later on in life from something somewhat unrelated to the smoking. But he ADDED years to his life because he did quit.
    And he accomplished something he'd brainwashed himself into thinking he'd NEVER be able to do...and that was to QUIT= overcome that hurdle in his life.

    YEP, it is guaranteed we will ALL die someday.....we have NO control over car accidents, plane crashes, acts of terrorism,
    but we DO have control over the things we CAN choose....
    And, since NONE of us live on our own remote little island by ourselves,
    we ALL have those whom we love- and love us- and the choices we make to lead a healthier life-
    and make the MOST of the time we DO have here.....
    WE have a choice in THAT, and a responsibility to make the BEST ones.


    Sorry so long, but you triggered something very deeply heart-felt...and I am pullin' for BOTH of you in this!

    So well said!
  • grumpya
    grumpya Posts: 54 Member
    I spent years trying to deal with this same issue. Basically he will stop when he wants to. If you can help him want to you have a better chance of him stopping. What about putting a note in his packet of cigs that says "I Love you & don't want to lose you" if you think emotional blackmail won't work then try finding some more help with nicotine replacement. Every week new products come on the market. Have a chat with your pharmacist. My husband used little cpasules he sucked & got a real "hit" out of, much more of a hit than patches, my son used an inhilator as he missed the hand to mouth action.
    I agree if you confront him and ask him he will probably lie & then you will lose trust. That is why I suggest a note in his packet, it will shock him. Maybe even buy some nicotine replacements and slip them in the packet so when he gets it out of his hideyhole he has the choice.
    I really hope you sort this out, my husbands lies about smoking took so much away from our marriage & I worry every day about what harm he has done himself.
  • Dare2Believe
    Dare2Believe Posts: 140 Member
    Ok, my husband is supposed to have stopped smoking - he had a heart operation in January so it's really important that he stays off them.

    I noticed the smell of smoke yesterday, and when I investigated I found a hidden pack of 10, a box of matches, and I can see where he's putting the butts.

    Do I:

    1. Ask him? (He may deny, leading to further issues with lying)
    2. Confront him with the evidence? (but then I lose the advantage of knowing where his secret hidey hole is)
    3. Wait to catch him at it (I know his habits, I could predict when he'll go for a smoke)

    And of course, I'm really upset and disappointed, but that's another issue :grumble:

    I would go with number 4. Compassionately tell him that you see he is struggling to quit smoking. Let him know you're concerned for his health and ask him if there is anything you can do to help. Confronting someone rarely if ever helps the situation. What do you think would occur if you "catch him in the act?" This too will lead to a confrontation.
  • melaniecheeks
    melaniecheeks Posts: 6,349 Member
    Thank you all so much fro your thoughtful responses and good wishes - you're wonderful!

    I'm not a "get angry" type person, so I did manage to let him know that I knew, and told him I was worried about him.

    It's the honesty more than anything - when he's going for cardiac rehab sessions, I want him to be honest, and let them help him with suggestions for staying off them.

    Gawd they are addictive, I know! Ex-smoker myself. And congrats to all of you who have managed to kick the habit.
  • Musikelektronik
    Musikelektronik Posts: 739 Member
    By the way, Chantix worked for me, with few, if any, side affects. You might suggest this when the time is right.
  • gavini
    gavini Posts: 248 Member
    I'd kick his *kitten* and not be so compassionate to be honest. Lol. So selfish and unfair when he's putting his life at risk and got a family. I know its really hard but it just isn't fair. I'd wait to catch him in the act personally. No way to deny it then. Sorry, this must be very frustrating and upsetting. Having just had major surgery myself it was hard for me but also tough on my partner, you've already been through a lot too and its just not fair! X

    depends what your goal is in confronting him i guess.

    this approach above is perfect if the goal is to punish him and to work out your frustration on him. for a fleeting moment you will feel righteous and will be able to revel in your power in the situation as you claim the moral high ground and let him have it. he will retreat and may even promise to do as you wish to make you stop attacking him, then more than likely, he will be upset, tired, hungry, or something else at some point in the next 48 hours and he will begin to feel that you have brought this feeling to him and he will seek refuge in the cigarettes and will work harder next time to make sure you dont find out about them.

    if that isnt your goal, then i would casually catch him in the act but not say anything at that moment, just make sure he knows he was just caught and then walk away, give him some time to think about what he has done and how he should react since his first instinct will likley to be defensive or to lie about it.

    give him some time, like an hour or less, to come to you and talk about it, if he doesnt then calmly ask him about it and if he is ready to talk about it, then offer your assistance and ask if there is anything you could do to help him. is there something you could do that would reward him for following through on quiting and staying in good health (one time i quit i suggested to my wife that every time i went 5 straight days without a smoke that we should have sex that night to celebrate) be creative, make a positive out of the negative of giving up something he wants and enjoys.

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