People with crazy Moms...
reneepugh
Posts: 522 Member
To make a story short...my husband got a job closer to my parents and siblings, so we had to move in a hurry and have to stay with my parents until we find a house. I knew it would be challenging since my mom is bi polar. However, my mom has gotten worse as she has gotten older and she is angry all the time. I have three siblings and none of them talk to her. I was the only one that still talks to her regularly. But it has been awful. I keep the house spotless so that she doesn't yell at me. I keep the kids busy so they don't bother her. She hasn't had to lift a finger. I even do her laundry. We give them money to stay there and buy groceries. My mom refuses to take her meds because she thinks it's my dad and her kids who are the problem. She doesn't have friends, can't keep a job and sleeps all the time. I have a great dad, but as a girl, it would be nice to have a real mom which I have never had. I have to constantly explain to my kids that their grandma is sick and they just have to ignore her behavior whether it's screaming, or not paying attention to them, cussing up a storm or anything else she does. My dad constantly preps me when she is in "a mood" again so that we can avoid her. But lately it has been all the time. I feel like I don't have a mother and am scared that if when she passes away, whenever that may be, that I will have never had a relationship with her. Does anyone else deal with this or have any advice. This really makes weight loss hard when I am stressed and worried constantly. Please don't give the advice to move out. I realize that would solve my current complaint, however that is not an option for us until we find a house.
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I totally understand. I've always thought my mom was bi-polar but she was raised in a very traumatic environment so PTSD with a personality disorder may actually be a better fit for her.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Since you are unable to move out then you need to figure out the best way to co-exist in a very tense and unfair situation.
The first thing you need to do (and I need to do this a lot because it's not easy) is that you have to stop expecting your mom to be the one that you want. She doesn't sound like she is capable of that and unfortunately you will never have the mother figure you are desiring or that you deserve. I've come to that realization many times. And you have to deal with her not in the way that you would deal with others and the expectations you would have of someone "normal" but you have to deal with her in her world and her reality. Those 2 things are entirely different that with the rest of the world.
That means you have to focus on yourself and your kids, take your dad's cues when a 'mood' is imminent and adjust to work around her. It's not fair and it's not right but it is the way it is. Stay away from her whenever possible and if you are staying in an area of the house that has doors USE THEM. Come up with a system when it is your family time and have it just be you guys and not your mom and dad.
You unfortunately will have to cater to her and her moods. Unless she wants to change she won't take the meds and will always blame others. It's not fair and it's not right but that is the unfortunate aspect of living with someone with an unmedicated mental illness. (I'm a mental health therapist who used to work inpatient psych).
Good luck finding a house and try to stay away or out of the house if you can to lessen the tension. Good luck!!!!0 -
I totally understand. I've always thought my mom was bi-polar but she was raised in a very traumatic environment so PTSD with a personality disorder may actually be a better fit for her.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Since you are unable to move out then you need to figure out the best way to co-exist in a very tense and unfair situation.
The first thing you need to do (and I need to do this a lot because it's not easy) is that you have to stop expecting your mom to be the one that you want. She doesn't sound like she is capable of that and unfortunately you will never have the mother figure you are desiring or that you deserve. I've come to that realization many times. And you have to deal with her not in the way that you would deal with others and the expectations you would have of someone "normal" but you have to deal with her in her world and her reality. Those 2 things are entirely different that with the rest of the world.
That means you have to focus on yourself and your kids, take your dad's cues when a 'mood' is imminent and adjust to work around her. It's not fair and it's not right but it is the way it is. Stay away from her whenever possible and if you are staying in an area of the house that has doors USE THEM. Come up with a system when it is your family time and have it just be you guys and not your mom and dad.
You unfortunately will have to cater to her and her moods. Unless she wants to change she won't take the meds and will always blame others. It's not fair and it's not right but that is the unfortunate aspect of living with someone with an unmedicated mental illness. (I'm a mental health therapist who used to work inpatient psych).
Good luck finding a house and try to stay away or out of the house if you can to lessen the tension. Good luck!!!!
You are absolutely right. I really need to learn how to deal with her illness. She's a difficult one though. Her anger and hatred makes it hard to love her. When I was a teenager, I used to tell my friends she was satan. I feel bad about that now, but at the time she was very verbally abusive (actually, she is much worse now, but am able to look at it differently then when I was younger).0 -
It's very unfortunate that you're stuck there. I can relate, but it was my father that had the same symptoms not my mother. Hang in there,.0
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It's very unfortunate that you're stuck there. I can relate, but it was my father that had the same symptoms not my mother. Hang in there,.
Thanks. It's comforting to know there are other people who are struggling with the same thing.0 -
I will pray for you.0
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I was raised by a bi polar Mom. At times we feared for our lives. Yes, it was hard. Yes, you will learn to forgive someday. Just be careful. Even if we are not bi polar we do pick up some of the behaviors. It's natural. Learn to spot them, especially when it comes to your children.I totally understand. I've always thought my mom was bi-polar but she was raised in a very traumatic environment so PTSD with a personality disorder may actually be a better fit for her.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Since you are unable to move out then you need to figure out the best way to co-exist in a very tense and unfair situation.
The first thing you need to do (and I need to do this a lot because it's not easy) is that you have to stop expecting your mom to be the one that you want. She doesn't sound like she is capable of that and unfortunately you will never have the mother figure you are desiring or that you deserve. I've come to that realization many times. And you have to deal with her not in the way that you would deal with others and the expectations you would have of someone "normal" but you have to deal with her in her world and her reality. Those 2 things are entirely different that with the rest of the world.
That means you have to focus on yourself and your kids, take your dad's cues when a 'mood' is imminent and adjust to work around her. It's not fair and it's not right but it is the way it is. Stay away from her whenever possible and if you are staying in an area of the house that has doors USE THEM. Come up with a system when it is your family time and have it just be you guys and not your mom and dad.
You unfortunately will have to cater to her and her moods. Unless she wants to change she won't take the meds and will always blame others. It's not fair and it's not right but that is the unfortunate aspect of living with someone with an unmedicated mental illness. (I'm a mental health therapist who used to work inpatient psych).
Good luck finding a house and try to stay away or out of the house if you can to lessen the tension. Good luck!!!!
You are absolutely right. I really need to learn how to deal with her illness. She's a difficult one though. Her anger and hatred makes it hard to love her. When I was a teenager, I used to tell my friends she was satan. I feel bad about that now, but at the time she was very verbally abusive (actually, she is much worse now, but am able to look at it differently then when I was younger).0 -
Wow! I feel like I was just reading about my own mother! It is so tough and sometimes you don't know whether you want to cry or scream or both. My mom got so bad that I don't even talk to her any more I just pray for her. You can't change her or make her take her meds. You walk around on egg shells expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Learn about the disease and try to learn how to "handle" the rampage. Sometimes that isn't even enough. My heart breaks for you and hopefully you guys will be able to get a place of your own sooner rather than later.0
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To make a story short...my husband got a job closer to my parents and siblings, so we had to move in a hurry and have to stay with my parents until we find a house. I knew it would be challenging since my mom is bi polar. However, my mom has gotten worse as she has gotten older and she is angry all the time. I have three siblings and none of them talk to her. I was the only one that still talks to her regularly. But it has been awful. I keep the house spotless so that she doesn't yell at me. I keep the kids busy so they don't bother her. She hasn't had to lift a finger. I even do her laundry. We give them money to stay there and buy groceries. My mom refuses to take her meds because she thinks it's my dad and her kids who are the problem. She doesn't have friends, can't keep a job and sleeps all the time. I have a great dad, but as a girl, it would be nice to have a real mom which I have never had. I have to constantly explain to my kids that their grandma is sick and they just have to ignore her behavior whether it's screaming, or not paying attention to them, cussing up a storm or anything else she does. My dad constantly preps me when she is in "a mood" again so that we can avoid her. But lately it has been all the time. I feel like I don't have a mother and am scared that if when she passes away, whenever that may be, that I will have never had a relationship with her. Does anyone else deal with this or have any advice. This really makes weight loss hard when I am stressed and worried constantly. Please don't give the advice to move out. I realize that would solve my current complaint, however that is not an option for us until we find a house.
Oh, my gosh, my heart goes out to you. My mother is the same way (Bipolar II + Narcissistic Personality Disorder...my childhood was a nightmare), and I can only be thankful that since I've moved to college, my distance from her is what has saved me. I do, however, have to visit her during the holidays, and that brings back all the things that were horrible about my childhood, so I can offer a little advice.
I went to therapy. In fact, I still go. It's been about a year and a half since I started untangling the mess that my mother made of my psychological state with her illnesses--but at the end of it, I understand her. Specifically, I understand that the way she treats me isn't my fault, and while I logically knew that a long time ago, I didn't really BELIEVE it until I'd done some serious mental work of my own. You cannot control what she does. You can keep her as pacified as possible with your actions, but in the end, it's still going to stress you out beyond belief. What you can do is work on understanding how to react to her. It takes some serious time and effort, but I promise you wholeheartedly, it was so worth it for me.
I don't make a point of visiting home, despite the father that I love so dearly, but when I do go, I can deal with her now. It's not fun by any means, but she has 90% less of an affect on my mental state than she once did. The loss is the hardest thing to come to terms with--the realization that you'll never be able to have the relationship with the parent that you ought to have had. It's quite devastating. But once you manage to face it (and there's no shame in needing professional help to do so--I never could have done it on my own, I just don't have the knowledge that my psychologist does), life gets a hell of a lot easier.
My situation is a little different because of the Narcissistic portion of my mom's personality disorders, I think--she is sort of literally not human. She absolutely can't empathize with another person's pain (good example of this: I was sixteen and extremely ill for a month. Constant coughing, lost my voice for a week, constantly running a low-grade fever, could hardly sleep because I kept coughing, and she wouldn't take me to a doctor and wouldn't let me have any over-the-counter medications. She literally could not comprehend the level of my suffering, and so wouldn't do anything to fix it). That gave me no window to forgive her, and though I did try for as long as I could to repair our relationship, she's literally incapable of helping me fix it, and it's not exactly a one-way street. Coming to terms with that absolute loss was the hardest part, but once I got past it...life is a lot better now.
Stay strong! And lean on us for support. :flowerforyou:0 -
It has been interesting reading this thread. I am Renee's sister, the one who started the thread and I think she is very generous in her description of our mother, I might have said a lot worse. While I know there are a lot of people out there with mental illness, I truly never believed anyone was like our mother. Mostly because she will not admit that she has a problem, will not get help and therefore does not really have a diagnosis. All we know is that she is "crazy, abusive, and mean" because we are not really able to put a label on it. Maybe it would be easier if we could. I have found the hardest thing to deal with is the guilt. I feel like I should not have bad feelings toward my mother, I should be there for her, I should want her part of my life. The guilt and the anger can really eat me up sometimes. It is comforting to read some of the advice from others who have had similar experiences. It is too bad Renee that we live too far away or you to stay with us. I am just curious if any one with a loved one like this has ever seen a change or improvement in this person with meds or therapy? I feel like we, as a family, have given up hope for her.0
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It has been interesting reading this thread. I am Renee's sister, the one who started the thread and I think she is very generous in her description of our mother, I might have said a lot worse. While I know there are a lot of people out there with mental illness, I truly never believed anyone was like our mother. Mostly because she will not admit that she has a problem, will not get help and therefore does not really have a diagnosis. All we know is that she is "crazy, abusive, and mean" because we are not really able to put a label on it. Maybe it would be easier if we could. I have found the hardest thing to deal with is the guilt. I feel like I should not have bad feelings toward my mother, I should be there for her, I should want her part of my life. The guilt and the anger can really eat me up sometimes. It is comforting to read some of the advice from others who have had similar experiences. It is too bad Renee that we live too far away or you to stay with us. I am just curious if any one with a loved one like this has ever seen a change or improvement in this person with meds or therapy? I feel like we, as a family, have given up hope for her.
I was being a little generous about my description of her. I am also curious if any of you have seen a change in your loved one or have you just changed yourself to cope?0 -
To make a story short...my husband got a job closer to my parents and siblings, so we had to move in a hurry and have to stay with my parents until we find a house. I knew it would be challenging since my mom is bi polar. However, my mom has gotten worse as she has gotten older and she is angry all the time. I have three siblings and none of them talk to her. I was the only one that still talks to her regularly. But it has been awful. I keep the house spotless so that she doesn't yell at me. I keep the kids busy so they don't bother her. She hasn't had to lift a finger. I even do her laundry. We give them money to stay there and buy groceries. My mom refuses to take her meds because she thinks it's my dad and her kids who are the problem. She doesn't have friends, can't keep a job and sleeps all the time. I have a great dad, but as a girl, it would be nice to have a real mom which I have never had. I have to constantly explain to my kids that their grandma is sick and they just have to ignore her behavior whether it's screaming, or not paying attention to them, cussing up a storm or anything else she does. My dad constantly preps me when she is in "a mood" again so that we can avoid her. But lately it has been all the time. I feel like I don't have a mother and am scared that if when she passes away, whenever that may be, that I will have never had a relationship with her. Does anyone else deal with this or have any advice. This really makes weight loss hard when I am stressed and worried constantly. Please don't give the advice to move out. I realize that would solve my current complaint, however that is not an option for us until we find a house.
Oh, my gosh, my heart goes out to you. My mother is the same way (Bipolar II + Narcissistic Personality Disorder...my childhood was a nightmare), and I can only be thankful that since I've moved to college, my distance from her is what has saved me. I do, however, have to visit her during the holidays, and that brings back all the things that were horrible about my childhood, so I can offer a little advice.
I went to therapy. In fact, I still go. It's been about a year and a half since I started untangling the mess that my mother made of my psychological state with her illnesses--but at the end of it, I understand her. Specifically, I understand that the way she treats me isn't my fault, and while I logically knew that a long time ago, I didn't really BELIEVE it until I'd done some serious mental work of my own. You cannot control what she does. You can keep her as pacified as possible with your actions, but in the end, it's still going to stress you out beyond belief. What you can do is work on understanding how to react to her. It takes some serious time and effort, but I promise you wholeheartedly, it was so worth it for me.
I don't make a point of visiting home, despite the father that I love so dearly, but when I do go, I can deal with her now. It's not fun by any means, but she has 90% less of an affect on my mental state than she once did. The loss is the hardest thing to come to terms with--the realization that you'll never be able to have the relationship with the parent that you ought to have had. It's quite devastating. But once you manage to face it (and there's no shame in needing professional help to do so--I never could have done it on my own, I just don't have the knowledge that my psychologist does), life gets a hell of a lot easier.
My situation is a little different because of the Narcissistic portion of my mom's personality disorders, I think--she is sort of literally not human. She absolutely can't empathize with another person's pain (good example of this: I was sixteen and extremely ill for a month. Constant coughing, lost my voice for a week, constantly running a low-grade fever, could hardly sleep because I kept coughing, and she wouldn't take me to a doctor and wouldn't let me have any over-the-counter medications. She literally could not comprehend the level of my suffering, and so wouldn't do anything to fix it). That gave me no window to forgive her, and though I did try for as long as I could to repair our relationship, she's literally incapable of helping me fix it, and it's not exactly a one-way street. Coming to terms with that absolute loss was the hardest part, but once I got past it...life is a lot better now.
Stay strong! And lean on us for support. :flowerforyou:
I feel like you are talking about my mother! I really think I need counseling because I have beat myself up so many times wondering why she can't love me like other moms. I have noticed that I correct any or all behaviors that come close to reminding me of my mother. What's sad is that I have amazing siblings and a great dad, but all of us have problems in our adulthood because of her. I have a problem with confidence and I am overly sensitive as well as my anger can sometimes get the best of me. I am not abusive like her by any means, but I am constantly working on being more understanding when my husband does something wrong. I know I need to separate myself from her but it somewhat feels like coping with a death. We are also afraid of our safety especially for my dad. She punched him twice in the face 2 nights ago and threw and broke a coffee cup at his head because my husband had an upset stomach and accidentally passed gas (he is lactose intolerant). She takes most of her anger out on him. He has been physically and mentally abused for years. Any thoughts on how to handle that?0 -
Just be careful that the anger that your Mother causes you does not turn into depression on your part. Need be...and I know this is going to tick her off...But tell her how you feel. If not, it is going to effect your family because you are just gonna dump it all on your Husband and kids. It is not easy walking on eggshells. You can not change her. If it is just a little while ..bite your tongue till you find your own home. But eventually you are going to have to face her. If not your anger WILL turn into depression. You need to tell your mom how you feel. And you can do it in a nice way. You don't have to tell her off. We all love our moms. One thing I learned from my mom is that I was determined not to turn out like her.... So in my family today. There is not yelling, no cussing, no throwing objects, no losing my temper... Today I have a house that is in order.. NOT CHAOS. Had I grew up different, well I might have been different.0
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To make a story short...my husband got a job closer to my parents and siblings, so we had to move in a hurry and have to stay with my parents until we find a house. I knew it would be challenging since my mom is bi polar. However, my mom has gotten worse as she has gotten older and she is angry all the time. I have three siblings and none of them talk to her. I was the only one that still talks to her regularly. But it has been awful. I keep the house spotless so that she doesn't yell at me. I keep the kids busy so they don't bother her. She hasn't had to lift a finger. I even do her laundry. We give them money to stay there and buy groceries. My mom refuses to take her meds because she thinks it's my dad and her kids who are the problem. She doesn't have friends, can't keep a job and sleeps all the time. I have a great dad, but as a girl, it would be nice to have a real mom which I have never had. I have to constantly explain to my kids that their grandma is sick and they just have to ignore her behavior whether it's screaming, or not paying attention to them, cussing up a storm or anything else she does. My dad constantly preps me when she is in "a mood" again so that we can avoid her. But lately it has been all the time. I feel like I don't have a mother and am scared that if when she passes away, whenever that may be, that I will have never had a relationship with her. Does anyone else deal with this or have any advice. This really makes weight loss hard when I am stressed and worried constantly. Please don't give the advice to move out. I realize that would solve my current complaint, however that is not an option for us until we find a house.
Oh, my gosh, my heart goes out to you. My mother is the same way (Bipolar II + Narcissistic Personality Disorder...my childhood was a nightmare), and I can only be thankful that since I've moved to college, my distance from her is what has saved me. I do, however, have to visit her during the holidays, and that brings back all the things that were horrible about my childhood, so I can offer a little advice.
I went to therapy. In fact, I still go. It's been about a year and a half since I started untangling the mess that my mother made of my psychological state with her illnesses--but at the end of it, I understand her. Specifically, I understand that the way she treats me isn't my fault, and while I logically knew that a long time ago, I didn't really BELIEVE it until I'd done some serious mental work of my own. You cannot control what she does. You can keep her as pacified as possible with your actions, but in the end, it's still going to stress you out beyond belief. What you can do is work on understanding how to react to her. It takes some serious time and effort, but I promise you wholeheartedly, it was so worth it for me.
I don't make a point of visiting home, despite the father that I love so dearly, but when I do go, I can deal with her now. It's not fun by any means, but she has 90% less of an affect on my mental state than she once did. The loss is the hardest thing to come to terms with--the realization that you'll never be able to have the relationship with the parent that you ought to have had. It's quite devastating. But once you manage to face it (and there's no shame in needing professional help to do so--I never could have done it on my own, I just don't have the knowledge that my psychologist does), life gets a hell of a lot easier.
My situation is a little different because of the Narcissistic portion of my mom's personality disorders, I think--she is sort of literally not human. She absolutely can't empathize with another person's pain (good example of this: I was sixteen and extremely ill for a month. Constant coughing, lost my voice for a week, constantly running a low-grade fever, could hardly sleep because I kept coughing, and she wouldn't take me to a doctor and wouldn't let me have any over-the-counter medications. She literally could not comprehend the level of my suffering, and so wouldn't do anything to fix it). That gave me no window to forgive her, and though I did try for as long as I could to repair our relationship, she's literally incapable of helping me fix it, and it's not exactly a one-way street. Coming to terms with that absolute loss was the hardest part, but once I got past it...life is a lot better now.
Stay strong! And lean on us for support. :flowerforyou:
I feel like you are talking about my mother! I really think I need counseling because I have beat myself up so many times wondering why she can't love me like other moms. I have noticed that I correct any or all behaviors that come close to reminding me of my mother. What's sad is that I have amazing siblings and a great dad, but all of us have problems in our adulthood because of her. I have a problem with confidence and I am overly sensitive as well as my anger can sometimes get the best of me. I am not abusive like her by any means, but I am constantly working on being more understanding when my husband does something wrong. I know I need to separate myself from her but it somewhat feels like coping with a death. We are also afraid of our safety especially for my dad. She punched him twice in the face 2 nights ago and threw and broke a coffee cup at his head because my husband had an upset stomach and accidentally passed gas (he is lactose intolerant). She takes most of her anger out on him. He has been physically and mentally abused for years. Any thoughts on how to handle that?
Same story over here. My dad has been in this environment so long that he has no clue how to escape it, and I'm not sure he ever will. It's never escalated into physical abuse on my end, though--I would tell you to report her to the authorities, but that may not work for your current living situation. That's a hard situation to be in, but she seems to be not only a mental but physical danger to your family...it seems like reporting her for physical abuse would be the best thing to do.0 -
Yeah, my mum is a bit like this too.
Ever heard of a narcissist mum?Exactly what my mum is. I will get an award, eg I got 100% on my first exam and she just says "oh well your brother got 110% with extra credit." She told me the job that I want to do should not even be counted worthy as a job as it is "pathetic" excusee me?! For xmas I bought myself a dress to show off my new figure and she told me that I looked fat. My brother used to physically abuse me really bad and she would tell me that it was my fault. EVERYTHING is my fault. According to her 9/11 was my fault... when I was like 10 years old in australia at the time?! okie. I get called names like selfish ***** and cow constantly and when I try to talk to her about it she just turns it around on me and tries to say that if I wasn't such a ***** I wouldn't be getting called one. She also told me that she wished that she had stayed in jail rather than me being born... umm okay love you too :L0 -
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It has been interesting reading this thread. I am Renee's sister, the one who started the thread and I think she is very generous in her description of our mother, I might have said a lot worse. While I know there are a lot of people out there with mental illness, I truly never believed anyone was like our mother. Mostly because she will not admit that she has a problem, will not get help and therefore does not really have a diagnosis. All we know is that she is "crazy, abusive, and mean" because we are not really able to put a label on it. Maybe it would be easier if we could. I have found the hardest thing to deal with is the guilt. I feel like I should not have bad feelings toward my mother, I should be there for her, I should want her part of my life. The guilt and the anger can really eat me up sometimes. It is comforting to read some of the advice from others who have had similar experiences. It is too bad Renee that we live too far away or you to stay with us. I am just curious if any one with a loved one like this has ever seen a change or improvement in this person with meds or therapy? I feel like we, as a family, have given up hope for her.
Therapy is not a viable treatment for bipolar disorder, but meds absolutely are. The problem is that getting a bipolar person to stick to the strict medication regimen is difficult (especially when they begin to feel better and don't think they need the medication anymore or if they have always been symptomatic and don't think anything is wrong with them, as might be the case with an older woman who has lived her entire adult life being bipolar).
With that said, it is absolutely important that the OP take care of herself and her children, making sure that this brief stay with her parents does not cause permanent harm to her and her family. OP, it sounds like you are doing a great job with that, avoiding confrontation and keeping the peace in the house as best you can. You are stronger than you probably even realize, and I am glad that you are talking about the issue instead of letting it eat you up inside. Best wishes :flowerforyou:0 -
For the good of your mental health & your kids, you need to get them out of that situation as soon as you possibly can - can you get an apartment until you find a house?
I grew up with a mother who I have suspicions is bi-polar, but has never been diagnosed. It messed me up something fierce, I have major anxiety issues now (if I have to phone her or see her, I panic & almost make myself physically ill, even though I haven't lived with her for over 2 years & she's a lot better to me since I moved out). Heck, I'm 31 years old & still worry about what my mother would say if she found out certain things about my life (things that aren't any of her business)
Also, I'll admit I don't like my mother. It sounds horrible, but I don't really care. She called me a slut when I lost my virginity by being raped at 14, & that's only one of the things she did to emotionally & mentally abuse me (most of which she won't admit to later). She's not a likeable person. She may be my mother, but I don't believe in unconditional familial love (although she may be the reason why)0 -
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Unfortunately I understand how you feel somewhat. My mom isn't bipolar but she's very emotionally ill. A very fragile, weak individual who is forever in full on victim mode. No one can have a REAL and true relationship with her because for her everything is a one way street and that street is called ME Ave.
I've thought a lot about how I will feel after she is gone. My grandma's ongoing battle with cancer which she will lose, it's unfortunately only a matter of time, has made me think about how I will feel when I lose her, my mom, my aunt etc. And unfortunately I can't say that much of anything will change. I won't even be that sad. She was never a real mother to me. She put food on the table and kept a roof over our heads (barely) but that's it.
It's a very sad place to be in, but the best thing you can do is give yourself what you wish you could have from your mother. I don't have kids, but I plan on being the mother I wish I had but never did. That is the best closure we can hope for and it's a gift to your children. You are breaking a cycle and giving your children everything you wish you had. They will be so grateful to you for it and you will get such a great sense of accomplishment out of it when your kids grow up and you can be their friends and have a close relationship with them you didn't get to have with her.
Also, be SO, so grateful for your relationship with your dad. I never had one because he didn't want me. So besides my grandma who was there for me the best she possibly could be I've never had any kind of relationship with a parent. CHERISH the time you have with him and the relationship there.
Also, definitely good luck getting through this period of having to live there. I've been there myself and it's a very hard place to be in. I can't even imagine doing it with children. I wish you all the best and send you lots of positive wishes and thoughts.0 -
My Mom is a manipulative, psychotic, sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder so I totally understand where you are coming from! I think that satan brings certain people into our lives for the sole purpose of testing out patience and integrity. I find it very easy to be filled with nothing but hatred for my mom and it's something that I have to work on every single day. It's hard. I wish you luck.0
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Something eerie about this.. feels like some cosmic force picked to put this on the front page for me to read.
My mother is definitely bipolar, never diagnosed and in complete denial about her emotional issues, of course. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, and she loves to mock me and tell me how "crazy" I am, how I need a life, how I'm a loser because I don't have a man, etc. etc.
At least I own my issues. I've been completely sober 9 months. Since my half brother passed away, she went back to drugs and alcohol after 7 years of so of sobriety. It may "just" be pot and wine, but my mom is perpetually stoned/"buzzed," and she clearly indulges to self-medicate and "escape" her deranged mind.
She's always been highly emotionally abusive, and in my teens became physically abusive, on and off.
I finally began standing up to her when I was 18 and protecting myself, but in the last 2 years since my brother's passing, I have lost nearly 70 lbs and she has *gained* 70. So I completely avoid her when she is volatile toward me (which is 90% of the time), and just ignore her, but she has physically cornered me with her girth, and there are times when I have been scared for my safety. I feel like I am 16 again and she is this giant monster.. I feel so vulnerable.
I decided a while ago I will at some point completely cut her off from my life, she will never meet my children, etc., unless she gets sober and works on controlling her anger. But at this point I think she's completely hopeless.
She had a traumatic childhood, sexual abuse, on her own by 13 and in juvenile hall, but that doesn't excuse it. She gave me an amazing childhood but made my adolescent years absolute hell. I don't think I can ever forgive her for some of the stuff she did to me.
It is so cathartic to see women who know how I feel. Funny how there's no male respondents to this, eh? It's like this female disease..
Bipolar women, please take care of yourself and don't pass on the pain to your children..0 -
Also, I'll admit I don't like my mother. It sounds horrible, but I don't really care. She called me a slut when I lost my virginity by being raped at 14, & that's only one of the things she did to emotionally & mentally abuse me (most of which she won't admit to later). She's not a likeable person. She may be my mother, but I don't believe in unconditional familial love (although she may be the reason why)
I am so, so sorry about that.
I had to respond to your post after reading that.. my mother told me she lost her virginity to rape at 13. She told me she was raped several times, and molested by an uncle.
I was raised hyperreligious by her, completely different from my brother (I'm the only girl), and she put a lot of fears/anxieties into me about sex. When I was about 10 years old, she found a Teen Beat magazine I had bought, and, I'm not even kidding, *flipped the **** out.*
"You wanna grow up?! You wanna have SEX?!" and threw it away.
Funny, a few years later, at my private Christian school, a nutjob teacher (also one of my mother's longtime friends) found a teenybopper magazine in my possesion, and flipped out, on a similar scale.
"Would JESUS read that??" and took it away.
God forbid a heterosexual girl nearing puberty would wanna look at pictures of cute (clothed) boys!! It's just ridiculous.
I wonder if that teacher had been violated as well.
I really wish my mother had sought out help for recovery. People don't realize how much of their own issues they inflict upon those whose minds they are responsible for shaping. It's so wrong.0 -
Thanks. It was hard growing up in that sort of environment, but I like to think I bounced back nicely (as well as could be expected, maybe better - I'm pretty well adjusted when I don't have to deal with her)
I don't even think my mother has an excuse for why she's the way she is. None that I know of at any rate. She's close to her parents & her family, & I've never noticed any tension between them, & she's not religious at all. *shrug*
My biggest fear is that I'll turn into her. It's actually one of the reasons I'm not having kids, because I know there's parts of me that would be like her (low tolerance for noise & not much patience) but I manage to keep them under control in most situations.
I don't think some people realize how badly their actions affect their kids...0 -
Growing up my mother was also verbally abusive. Honestly I think she is the reason I have some eating issues. All of my brothers and sisters were super skinny and I was a little chunky, not bad though. When we went out to eat she wouldnt let me order things like a cheeseburger but the other kids could. She would tell me that I didn't need to eat snacks and take them away but again the other kids could. All of the other kids are around 5'7" -6'0 with blonde hair and light eyes. I am 5'4" with dark features, she would tell me I was found in a garbage can.
I love her because she gave me life and help her when needed but I stay away as much as possible.
Hang in there. Hugs.0 -
I wanted to tell all of you that I truly appreciate all of your comfort and support. It has really helped. I haven't replied for a couple of days because my mom had one of her episodes and hit my husband in the face because he told her not to act like that in front of our 2 year old daughter ( she was screaming at me because my brother was moving and we were having a going away party for him and she is mad at him). So, we were kicked out of the house and weren't allowed to get our stuff. Stayed in an rv in the back yard without water and had to leave to go to the toilet. Husband was fed up and tried to walk in to get clean clothes and was hit again. My husband is a very mild mannered person and this is very uncharacteristic of him to be as assertive as he was. Finally, my dad calmed her down enough that we were able to get our stuff. We are staying at my sisters that is only 2 bedrooms and sleeping on the floor. We don't have enough money to get a house or an apartment right now and our credit is iffy which is why we were staying with them in the first place. We were working on clearing our credit and starting fresh. Not likely now. My kids are staying with my sister an hour away for their spring break having a blast and oblivious to the whole thing. Sad because they had their own rooms at my parents to now sleeping on the floor when they get back. I feel like a failure as a parent. Does this ever get better???0
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Renee, I'm not sure where you are from but I work with individuals with psychiatric illnesses. I know that there are agencies that would be willing to reach out/and assist you to make sure that your mom is receiving proper care/medication, support and around other individuals such as herself. If this sounds like anything that might help, just shoot me an e-mail and I'd be happy to try to forward some websites that could be helpful.0
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I am so sorry that you are in thsituation and my heart goes out to you. My automatic thought is income housing. I know around where I live there are apartments that the rent is based on your income. Maybe look into that.
I am in a similar situation. My childhood was spent with a mother who slept alot, too much. She was depressed and though she had good days there would be weeks she would just sit on the couch in pjs. This eventually was joined by bi polar disorder and anxiety. Then she got on med and it was amazing. I had my fun mum back. She got alot better. Even well enough to stop th meds. I got pregnant at 17 and she really was excited because she loves children and I was pretty all set with school, even got to take four months off because I had enough credits so had time to get used to motherhood. Graduated top 15% of my class. Then went down hill. She just started getting angry. Would have her outbursts. During her better moments she would kind of apologize but if we (me my brother or dad) say anything about getting back on meds she freaks out and says that nothing gets done if she's on the meds. I turn 19 next month. Still live with them because I have no other options besides a shelter.
You are not alone in this. You might even find support groups in your area if you call around. I sincerly hope the best for you and your family. Be strong and keep trying your best. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.0 -
I am so sorry that you are in thsituation and my heart goes out to you. My automatic thought is income housing. I know around where I live there are apartments that the rent is based on your income. Maybe look into that.
I am in a similar situation. My childhood was spent with a mother who slept alot, too much. She was depressed and though she had good days there would be weeks she would just sit on the couch in pjs. This eventually was joined by bi polar disorder and anxiety. Then she got on med and it was amazing. I had my fun mum back. She got alot better. Even well enough to stop th meds. I got pregnant at 17 and she really was excited because she loves children and I was pretty all set with school, even got to take four months off because I had enough credits so had time to get used to motherhood. Graduated top 15% of my class. Then went down hill. She just started getting angry. Would have her outbursts. During her better moments she would kind of apologize but if we (me my brother or dad) say anything about getting back on meds she freaks out and says that nothing gets done if she's on the meds. I turn 19 next month. Still live with them because I have no other options besides a
You are not alone in this. You might even find support groups in your area if you call around. I sincerly hope the best for you and your family. Be strong and keep trying your best. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
[/uqThank ttyou very much for your support. I completely understand the anger outbursts from your mom. My mom is like that most of the time now and it is really hard. Meds are just something we cant mention around my mom as well.
We have found a few decent places hopefully they will come through for us. We are crossing our fingers and praying a lot.
Hope your home life gets better. Hang in there.0
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