Someone? :(

olivetree_ · March 2012

On Wednesday, my school had confession (I go to a Catholic school), so when I got up to confess, I confessed that I always get mad at my family and friends so easily. The priest asked if I’m happy with myself, and I couldn’t really answer him because I don’t necessarily hate myself but I don’t really like myself either. He asked me to just tell him everything so it led to me telling him that I used to cut, even though I haven’t for 6 months now. But I was mumbling when I told him and he didn’t understand me, so I kept having to repeat myself, and the more I did, the worse I felt. I hate talking about it and acknowledging it because it makes me feel so weak and pathetic, but now I can’t get it out of my head. I was almost crying when I came out of the confession room, and I’ve been holding back tears since then.

To top it off, I just got in a HUGE fight with my brother. Like our biggest fight ever. I don’t want to blame all my “problems” on him but I honestly feel like he’s the reason why I’m so insecure and why I often hate myself. I know he has always been embarrassed of me, and that he’s always hated me for being his sister. I’ve always been fat and ugly to him. His friends all hate me and they made fun of him for being related to me, and I know he hates me for it. I've tried so hard to be a nice little sister, but it hasn't changed him. I can honestly say that when I leave this city for university or college, I don't know if I'll keep in contact with him or care to see him.

Sometimes I really just completely want to die. I’d miss my family and friends so much and I don’t ever want to hurt them but I get so tired of life sometimes. I’m so sick of being angry at my brother and myself and keeping secrets from everyone and lying to myself.

Edit: ****I'm nooot suicidal. It might sound that way, but I'm really not. I would never kill myself. Life just gets so overwhelming and tiring and stressful sometimes that I just don't want to be here. But 95% of the time, I do like living.****

JaySpice · March 2012

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

Audddua · March 2012

I have had my dark moments too. I look back at them now and I'm so very glad that I didn't do anything serious because I love my life now. Find a counselor (or your priest maybe) for a healthy way to vent and an unbiased opinion. Things will get better and you'll be a better stronger person because of your tough life experiences. :flowerforyou: [hug]

tiggersstar · March 2012

when you get older you have more control over your life and the things that seemed so big, that you were unable to cope with, they become smaller. hold onto to that idea and maybe it will pull you through. some of this **** will make you stronger, but you have to 'be in it, to win in', as they say. go and get some support. chat rooms will not give you the answer. remember that it is ok to feel all emotions, including feeling down.

hope that helps.

:flowerforyou:

elysianashes · March 2012

First of all, yes, please call a hotline or counselor. I know it's easy to reach out for help online, but nobody here is qualified to truly help you.

Second of all, one thing I noticed was this - "I hate talking about it and acknowledging it because it makes me feel so weak and pathetic...." Turn that around! I'm not kidding. You need to take that emotion and use it to build yourself up. Try something with me here - "I felt good talking about it and acknowledging it because it made me realize that by acknowledging it, I can control it. By acknowledging it, I gain power over it. By acknowledging it, I have stopped trying to cover it up and pretend it doesn't exist." Admission of a problem is not admitting that you are weak and pathetic. We all have our demons. When we know what they are, we can look them in the eye and tell them to f*** off.

Third, we can't choose our family. Wish we could! It's hard to turn your back on people who aren't good for you, but sometimes you have to at least distance yourself.

breezymom81 · March 2012

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

This please, they will get you in touch with someone, you can't feel like this! If your brother is a teenage boy-he has no clue what he is doing! Family counsling will go a long way!

tiggersstar · March 2012

i was just wondering, are you feeling a bit better now?

:flowerforyou:

olivetree_ · March 2012

i was just wondering, are you feeling a bit better now?

:flowerforyou:

For the most part, yes, thank you! I still do question my life and life in general often, and I am still easily angered and annoyed by everyone, but at the moment I'm doing alright. When I don't think about these things, I am usually happy!

lulu9663 · March 2012

I just wanted to say that I don't think you're suicidal. Sometimes, life just sucks. It's okay to not feel like a pretty pretty princess, or whatever. If you feel like your brother is making your life worse, then move on when you get out of the house. It's OKAY to cut ties with family. Some people are just toxic, whether they want to be or not, and there's no rule stating you have to keep in touch with someone just because you share some DNA.

I also wanted to let you know that I was in a bad place myself once(or twice), where I thought about offing myself EVERY DAY. I'm not even sure what pushed me over the edge into depression, but it was there, rearing it's ugly head. No amount of counseling helped me. It was something I had to sort out on my own. After doing a little research, I found out that morbid thoughts are natural to experience at some point. And it doesn't always mean you want to kill yourself, it usually means you're still struggling to find your role or purpose in life. Coming out of the depression was like learning to walk. It takes awhile, and you have to crawl first, but it can be done.

I believe you also said you were a cutter. I also engage in a sort of self mutilation(as the shrinks would call it). When I'm in a depression, I'll sometimes get piercings or tattoos. The purpose of doing these things, is to make people pay attention to the action, and draw attention away from the inner workings of your mind. I would try to find another outlet. If you are just looking for the adrenaline rush, try getting together with some daring/bold people, and go have some fun, maybe try a police ride-a-long program. If you're doing it to feel better, instead try doing something for a friend that has always made you feel good. If you're looking to just get rid of the "pain", try getting into yoga or something similar. It clears the mind as well as the self mutilations, but in a more healthy and positive way(plus, no scars!)

I hope you sort out what is bothering you, and try to do it by alone first, you'll learn a few things that you never knew about yourself. But if you ever feel like slipping over the edge, and you'll know if you hit that point, then it's time to get some help.

olivetree_ · March 2012

I just wanted to say that I don't think you're suicidal. Sometimes, life just sucks. It's okay to not feel like a pretty pretty princess, or whatever. If you feel like your brother is making your life worse, then move on when you get out of the house. It's OKAY to cut ties with family. Some people are just toxic, whether they want to be or not, and there's no rule stating you have to keep in touch with someone just because you share some DNA.

I also wanted to let you know that I was in a bad place myself once(or twice), where I thought about offing myself EVERY DAY. I'm not even sure what pushed me over the edge into depression, but it was there, rearing it's ugly head. No amount of counseling helped me. It was something I had to sort out on my own. After doing a little research, I found out that morbid thoughts are natural to experience at some point. And it doesn't always mean you want to kill yourself, it usually means you're still struggling to find your role or purpose in life. Coming out of the depression was like learning to walk. It takes awhile, and you have to crawl first, but it can be done.

I believe you also said you were a cutter. I also engage in a sort of self mutilation(as the shrinks would call it). When I'm in a depression, I'll sometimes get piercings or tattoos. The purpose of doing these things, is to make people pay attention to the action, and draw attention away from the inner workings of your mind. I would try to find another outlet. If you are just looking for the adrenaline rush, try getting together with some daring/bold people, and go have some fun, maybe try a police ride-a-long program. If you're doing it to feel better, instead try doing something for a friend that has always made you feel good. If you're looking to just get rid of the "pain", try getting into yoga or something similar. It clears the mind as well as the self mutilations, but in a more healthy and positive way(plus, no scars!)

I hope you sort out what is bothering you, and try to do it by alone first, you'll learn a few things that you never knew about yourself. But if you ever feel like slipping over the edge, and you'll know if you hit that point, then it's time to get some help.

Thank you! Your reply was/is really helpful. I think you sound like you understand what im saying the best.

thanks!

lulu9663 · March 2012

I would just like to say that working with animals really helps if you're feeling down. Try volunteering at the Humane Society. You'll never feel like you wasted your time.

Redbird99ky · March 2012

Confession IS hard. Saying to another human being what you have been hiding for so long is a gut-wrenching process. But once you DO confess your sins, you find such freedom. I'm going to paraphrase from Mike Donahey (of Tenth Avenue North) here, because I believe it is true (at least for me it is). " The Old Testament says do good, obey, and you'll be accepted. The Gospel of the New Testament says, 'hey, you've already been accepted because of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ,( even though you may be a bum and a screw-up) and that's why we obey' ... because we love Christ and what He has done for us."

We can't begin to heal our souls until we bring light into the deep dark recesses and corners of it, but once exposed to light, we can start our healing and start to get closer to God. All of our resentments and fears will start to slip away, and we'll feel a new freedom. God loves us so much that He allowed Jesus Christ, who was without sin, to be crucified to atone for OUR sins. Our goal on this earth is to become as Christ and love and accept people.

We have this feeling, though, that we may not be liked if the "real us" is known by another human being, because we cannot comprehend the depth of Love that God has for us. My goal in life is to be as close to God and Jesus Christ as I can, and I will do my best to love people and accept them, regardless of their past transgressions. The great commandment to love everyone is EASY to follow, when you are loving people who are just like you. Just like freedom of speech is easy when the person speaking says something you agree with. The true test, however, is when you can love someone who is your (perceived) enemy, just as with speech, the true test is to allow and tolerate speech with which you vehemently disagree.

My advice would be to confess your sins as your church tells you, and do it in the spirit in which it was intended, which is to free you, not to cause embarrassment. Make sure that you ask God for forgiveness,and promise not to do that sin again. God's forgiveness is infinite, and He will not tire of you making the same slips over and over, as long as you are TRYING to do better. Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me". And that includes surmounting repetetive bad behavior, but you MUST ask for His help.

When God gives you trials, ask Him what He is trying to teach you, and while you are going through those trials, thank Him for blessing you with the experience.

Know that God loves you, as do alot of people, myself included, and you are worth more than you currently feel you are. God has a plan for you, please open your heart and ask Him to guide you toward that plan.

FlynnMacCallister · March 2012

*Hugs* It's okay. It's okay to hate your family sometimes. It's okay to go through periods of depression -- that's not weakness, and it takes a lot of strength to pull through. It's true that some brothers just suck, because your personalities just don't match or whatever else.

Well done for having the guts to confess -- the only times I've had to go to confession, I've made something up -- and for having the strength to pull through everything.

Also, people say "school days are the best of your life" -- total bull for most of us! I'm a grad student in a pretty bad financial situation, fighting depression and anxiety, with a PhD that's going to ****, living in a mouldy one room apartment, but I'm far more satisfied and content here, free from school and family, living with the person of my choosing than I ever was in my teens. If you're not happy now, trust me, despite all the obstacles people point out you'll face, it definitely gets better!

ahgold · March 2012

Hey gal, the posters here gave you good stuff. A few other ideas if it sounds like something to play with and try:
1) Start looking at yourself for your own happiness. You won't find it in other people. They have their own trips and are busy trying to make their lives work. You will find real satisfation when you stop looking outside of yourself for happiness (can look like approval, justification, etc.). Sometimes it's hard to realize that those really confident, pretty, seemingly cool other people are "better" than you. They are not. Just be the best YOU that you can be.
1a). Consider that life might not always be as "serious" as it seems at the moment. Find the fun and joy.
1b) When in the "bad" mood, try not to feed it. Watch it. I've been there (I think most of us have--we are human). Don't make it worse. It will pass or seek your support friend/counselor if it does not. This is mind discipline that few people have been taught.
2) Get a support person in your life (as said below, could be a counselor, family member, friend, professional of other sorts), but someone who is there for you and cares. Find the best people to hang with that will lift you up and help you grow.
3). Do a little service project once in a while if you can get to one. It is helpful to see how others live and the trials and troubles that others experience. Your service work also helps them a lot. It can be as simple as reading to the blind, or helping to feed the homeless--something that makes YOU feel good about giving and being you!
4) Know you are truly awesome. Find those gifts in yourself and start using them and enjoying your own skin.
5) Make sure your blood sugar is even and that hormones, thyroid and other physical elements are balanced (nutrition, vitamins, minerals, etc.). Sometimes imbalance can cause anger, frustration, depression that isn't the real you.
6) I'm not just rattling off words. I've worked on everything I've written here. It takes time, but it is YOUR life. Take control and make it SUPER! Step by step.
7) Let us know how you are doing. People here are interested.

kilime50 · March 2012

Honey, you are stronger than you know, just acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step in fixing it. You have already made huge strides by stopping the cutting! Be proud of yourself for that, If you have the discipline for that - you have the strength for anything else life might throw at you.
Brothers you can do nothing about, very few of them will ever be nice to a sister, I have 2!! It took one of them until he was 30 to turn into a reasonable human being and the other is still a work in progress!!!Don't let his opinion carry any weight(pardon the pun) with you. He obviously has his own issues to deal with if he is trying so hard to impress his buddies.
Keep your chin up!
Feel free to add me as a friend
Jillian

olivetree_ · March 2012

Aw, you guys made me cry! Thank you :')

Someone? :(

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