fitting into a family?

jhebert87
jhebert87 Posts: 75
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
So here's the thing... I just needed to get this out and I figured some unbiased opinions could help... so my boyfriend of almost a year was previously married for less than a year and apparently his ex wife was a huge part of his family... now I feel like I need to almost out do her to get the same approval from his family... It's getting old being referred to as "the girlfriend" or the occasionally being called his ex wife's name from his extended family.... I may be over reacting, but it still is something to think about.

Replies

  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    I don't think it's so much that you need to "outdo" her - she was just a big part of his life, and they are still getting to know you.

    My boyfriend of a year dated his ex for six years before he and I started dating, and it was pretty much assumed that they were going to get married. People were "used" to seeing them together, and had sort of seen them as a package deal - it's not any knock on the "girlfriend" - you're just kind of the newbie, haha.

    Whenever we go to something with his parents, friends, whatever, I am sure to chat with new people instead of hanging out in the corner, and I always bake (or at least bring) something to whatever we're going to. It's become my schtick I guess - but it makes people remember me, haha.

    Just keep going to things with your boyfriend and getting to know his family, and the transition will just sort of happen :)
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    I don't think it's so much that you need to "outdo" her - she was just a big part of his life, and they are still getting to know you.

    My boyfriend of a year dated his ex for six years before he and I started dating, and it was pretty much assumed that they were going to get married. People were "used" to seeing them together, and had sort of seen them as a package deal - it's not any knock on the "girlfriend" - you're just kind of the newbie, haha.

    Whenever we go to something with his parents, friends, whatever, I am sure to chat with new people instead of hanging out in the corner, and I always bake (or at least bring) something to whatever we're going to. It's become my schtick I guess - but it makes people remember me, haha.

    Just keep going to things with your boyfriend and getting to know his family, and the transition will just sort of happen :)

    ^^Great advice
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    You know what? This is probably a good thing. If they welcomed his ex into their family, there is a good chance they will do the same for you eventually.
  • WickedGarden
    WickedGarden Posts: 944 Member
    you don't need to 'outdo' her...she was his wife. Some people see a wife/ex-wife differently than they do a girlfriend (even if you are a long term GF)

    just be you, don't try too hard, if she is still 'part of the family' (is invited to family functions) then be courteous, but don't be too overly eager to be her BFF.

    Some people just take time to get used to change. Don't worry!

    :smile:
  • HealthyAlison
    HealthyAlison Posts: 112 Member
    Whenever we go to something with his parents, friends, whatever, I am sure to chat with new people instead of hanging out in the corner, and I always bake (or at least bring) something to whatever we're going to. It's become my schtick I guess - but it makes people remember me, haha.

    Just keep going to things with your boyfriend and getting to know his family, and the transition will just sort of happen :)

    That is good advice. Be yourself, but a little extra effort can help.

    I do something pretty similar to this with my in-laws for entirely different reasons. I'm very outgoing in trying to be helpful in the kitchen, both cooking and cleaning up. That's definitely how I'm known. I also try to be extra friendly with each family member and get to know them even though it's way outside my comfort zone. People remember when you take an interest in them.

    Good luck!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I don't think it's so much that you need to "outdo" her - she was just a big part of his life, and they are still getting to know you.

    My boyfriend of a year dated his ex for six years before he and I started dating, and it was pretty much assumed that they were going to get married. People were "used" to seeing them together, and had sort of seen them as a package deal - it's not any knock on the "girlfriend" - you're just kind of the newbie, haha.

    Whenever we go to something with his parents, friends, whatever, I am sure to chat with new people instead of hanging out in the corner, and I always bake (or at least bring) something to whatever we're going to. It's become my schtick I guess - but it makes people remember me, haha.

    Just keep going to things with your boyfriend and getting to know his family, and the transition will just sort of happen :)
    This.

    I'm in the position of the ex wife, though we were never married. His family and I love each other so much. I fit in with them better than my own family. I'm glad his girlfriend is not the jealous type because I still hang out with his family once or twice a month, and they're ragging on me because I skipped Thanksgiving last year. So I'll be there this year.

    Like she said above, it's not about you being a girlfriend, it's just that you're new. Definitely don't try to outdo her. Be yourself. They'll love you for their own reasons, not because you're better than his ex wife.
  • jhebert87
    jhebert87 Posts: 75
    Thanks for the advice... she is no longer living in this area so I don't have to worry about running into her at family events but I do feel that his sister does not like me at all and it might be because they were really good friends... I do bring food to every family occasion that I can... good food makes everyone happy :)
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