Advice - Do I talk to the parents? Or someone else?

olyrose
olyrose Posts: 569 Member
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
Last night around 10:30 my 14 yr old son got a message from a girl who goes to a different school (doesn't know her too well). She said she had a bad family life, had been kicked out, and had nowhere to go. Of course, we told her we'd come get her and bring her back to our place.

Over the next hour or so as they continue texting, we get some more details, that she was with a friend and they had been drinking. That made us question whether we should go help and give them a place to stay, but the fact remained they were two 13-14 yr old girls in a not so great neighborhood on a cold, rainy night.

When we picked them up and got more details, the one girl told me the mom kicked them out for making too much noise, and didn't even seem to know they had been drinking. They had tried to go back later but the house was locked, lights were off, and the mom wasn't answering.

The girl told me this has happened before, and a couple times when she was younger she had slept on the street. I lectured them about drinking, but told her she should never have to worry about where she would be sleeping.

So, advice please - what should I do next? The girls stayed at our house last night and were sleeping when I left for work. I am by nature an avoider, but I feel like I need to do something. Do I call the parents (knowing this has happened before)? Do I talk to the school counselor who maybe has more resources or understanding of the girl and her situation? Do I just let it go and not do anything?
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Replies

  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    You could try the school counsellor. At the very least they would know who you need to talk to. These kids clearly need help and their parents are obviously struggling to provide the needed assistance.
  • CMomma23
    CMomma23 Posts: 132 Member
    You could try the school counsellor. At the very least they would know who you need to talk to. These kids clearly need help and their parents are obviously struggling to provide the needed assistance.

    ^^ That for sure.
  • sarahkatara
    sarahkatara Posts: 826 Member
    counselor :)
  • shelbz09
    shelbz09 Posts: 115
    This is a tough call to make.

    My instincts tell me that you need to talk to the parents first. (however, obviously they already know and continue to do it.. so it wouldnt be much good to talk to them??)

    I'd contact a school counselor, see where that gets you...tell them your concerned and the information you know. I am sure if you wanted to you could remain annoyomous even..

    also...
    if nothing changes call the child abuse hotline, for neglecting their child.
    you will for sure be annoyomous there ^^
  • Juliebean_1027
    Juliebean_1027 Posts: 713 Member
    You could always call CPS. That would be my move. An anonymous tip is less likely to start a war between you and the parents.
  • MelHoneyRocks
    MelHoneyRocks Posts: 223
    I agree that you should contact the school counselor, its likely that they know more than you do and can help.
  • thedreamhazer
    thedreamhazer Posts: 1,156 Member
    I had a similar issue with my younger sister's friend. Luckily, my stepmother is a caseworker for Children's Services. They opened (well, re-opened) a case and talked to the parents.

    Try the school counselor first if you're more comfortable that way. The school counselor is required to report that kind of information the Children's Services anyway.
  • strunkm4
    strunkm4 Posts: 265 Member
    I would def go to the school counselor. I'd be afraid if you went to the parents, since it has been done before, they really wouldn't give too much where the girl stayed, or the fact that you were trying to help. I would at least try the counselor first and maybe come to a better understanding of what this girls home life really could be like.
  • sammi402
    sammi402 Posts: 232 Member
    You definately need to talk to SOMEONE. Putting your 13-14yr old child out on the street at night and not bothering to worry about where they are sleeping is unacceptable. A school counselor, a pastor, or a hypothetical conversation with DCS may be in order. The girls should not have been drinking for sure but locking them out without even noticing they were drunk is dangerous. What if someone less kind-hearted had picked them up?
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    This is just what I would do. You are in the situation so you will make the best decision for you.
    I would contact the parents. They may be at their wit's end and not know what to do. They may need suggestions about what to do next.
  • TeresaWash
    TeresaWash Posts: 283
    COUNTY SOCIAL SERVICES. My guess is the parents will do nothing so nothing will get done. The school counselor would be good too, I'm certain they will contact Social Services.
  • zamiesgirl
    zamiesgirl Posts: 37
    This same thing happened to me a few years back with one of my daughters friends. He claimed his parents kicked him out and he had no place to go. He said they were always fighting and he didnt know what to do. I opened up my home to him for well over a month. I kept asking him for his mom number so I could contact her and let her know where he was. He wouldnt give it too me. I finally contacted the school and they called his mom and had her call me. Come to find out he had lied to me and my daughter knew it was a lie. I was very upset. He had wanted to go out with some friends and his mom told him no. He got mad at her and just left the house anyway. Needless to say I sent him back home to his parents and had a nice long talk with his mom. This is not the first time he did this. If I were you I would talk to the school or try to talk to the mother. Not saying she is like my daughters friend but you never know.
  • AWME
    AWME Posts: 12
    You could always call CPS. That would be my move. An anonymous tip is less likely to start a war between you and the parents.

    Agree. Additionally, tension between you and the girl's parents could put a strain on your child's friendship with the girl.

    I'd also contact the school counselor, as has been suggested above.
  • olyrose
    olyrose Posts: 569 Member
    Thanks! Talking to the school counselor was what I was leaning towards. The fact that they were kicked out and it has happened before makes me feel like talking to the parents isn't going to be enough. I'm assuming that can't be a safe place where the kid feels comfortable talking to her mom about the mistake she made of drinking.
  • angiemartin78
    angiemartin78 Posts: 475 Member
    I agree that you should contact the school counselor. My heart goes out to these girls and to you. You are a wonderful person to have helped them. :flowerforyou:
  • hounds726
    hounds726 Posts: 63
    Not totally sure what the laws are in your state but in Indiana, that is neglect of a dependent. School counselor would be the place to start. If the laws are similar, they have a duty to report this to the authorities.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    If parents are really locking their kids out at night for making too much noise, you talking to them probably isn't going to do much good. What are you going to say, I know you lock your 13 year old out at night and you should stop? I have a hard time imagining that that will do anything other than piss them off--and possibly put the child in a more dangerous situation. You might try contacting the school, hopefully they have some useful resources, but you should be prepared to find out that they are too busy to help much. You could also try contacting child protective services, but in most places, they're way too busy to do much when children aren't in really horrible situations. If there are youth advocacy organizations in your area, they might be able to help in some way. This is one of those tough situations where there isn't really much you can do, without getting involved yourself (not that I'm saying you should).
  • kendra0224
    kendra0224 Posts: 35
    If I were you I would talk to the school counselor, or ask the police (using maybe a hypothetical situation)... it depends on what your gut is telling you to do. Honestly, if the parents kicked her out and turned off the lights and locked the door, they don't care very much about their 14 year old child. I am in disbelief that anyone would do that to their child, but some people should not have kids! If I were in your situation I would definately make a stop at the police station, because regardless, if you go to her parents the chances are that if they did kick her out they are going to make up some lame excuse and it will happen again. However, the girl could be exaggerating and looking for attention, but I wouldn't want to take that chance with a child's life. I wish you and the girls the best in this situation. I know it is difficult, but just follow your gut feeling and definatley talk to someone about it. Good luck.
  • TeresaWash
    TeresaWash Posts: 283
    The parents could be at their witts end, the girls could be lying or it could all be true. I would not contact the parents. The school or social services will have to. I'd let them handle it. No matter the circumstances, it needs to be handled by authorities.
  • timadotcom
    timadotcom Posts: 653 Member
    Just playing devil's advocate here - what if the girl was not telling you the whole truth? Maybe her mom wanted them to stop drinking and these girls wouldn't listen so she keeps on kicking them out? I would not trust a 13 yr old who was drinking... I know this sounds horrible, but perhaps the mom was trying to prove a point, that being the kids are not allowed to drink if they want to live in her home!!

    I would say talk to the mother first, then maybe get a counsellor involved. If the mother really does give a *kitten*, then call CPS.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    Considering the parents locked her out of the house more than once, I would be consulting the counselor not only on the bad parenting but on the underage drinking this girl is doing. You never know what the home life is really like, whether they're just frustrated or they are abusive in some way.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I don't think you should do anything until you at least TRY to talk to the parents. If you aren't satisfied with what you hear from them, then go to the school counselor, who I believe is then required to contact social services. Imagine if some other parent assumed, without any personal knowledge, that your kid wasn't being taken care of and went to the school counselor or CPS before talking to you. It's not right unless you KNOW the parents are, in some way, abusing this girl. With teenagers especially, it is always best to make an effort to talk to the parents before getting the authorities involved.
  • jcriscuolo
    jcriscuolo Posts: 319 Member
    I would say child protective services. It's obvious the parents don't give a *kitten* or they wouldn't have locked her out.
  • olyrose
    olyrose Posts: 569 Member
    Just playing devil's advocate here - what if the girl was not telling you the whole truth? Maybe her mom wanted them to stop drinking and these girls wouldn't listen so she keeps on kicking them out? I would not trust a 13 yr old who was drinking... I know this sounds horrible, but perhaps the mom was trying to prove a point, that being the kids are not allowed to drink if they want to live in her home!!

    I would say talk to the mother first, then maybe get a counsellor involved. If the mother really does give a *kitten*, then call CPS.

    I thought about that too... I'm sure there has to be more to the story, but this girl looked so scared. When I asked how they were feeling (meaning were they feeling sick from drinking) they said they had just been crying all night. I don't know how the night started, but she looked devastated when we picked her up.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    Just playing devil's advocate here - what if the girl was not telling you the whole truth? Maybe her mom wanted them to stop drinking and these girls wouldn't listen so she keeps on kicking them out? I would not trust a 13 yr old who was drinking... I know this sounds horrible, but perhaps the mom was trying to prove a point, that being the kids are not allowed to drink if they want to live in her home!!

    I would say talk to the mother first, then maybe get a counsellor involved. If the mother really does give a *kitten*, then call CPS.

    That's not really playing Devil's Advocate here. You're implying the mother knew about the drinking and was kicking them out to "teach them a lesson." If that's the case then the mother's possibly looking at jail time for letting her child drink in her home, even if she later kicks her out, and continuing to let the child drink versus either calling the police on her or getting her the proper help to stop drinking. It doesn't make the mom look better.
  • CynthiaCollin
    CynthiaCollin Posts: 406 Member
    I would talk to the school counselor and let them deal with her parents. That way you did your part and didn`t come 100% involved. One of my friend`s works as a school counselor and is more prepared than we can be to deal with these types of situations. You aren`t those girls mother....and it is already an amazing thing that you have helped them and want to get involved, but sometimes it is best to leave it to the professionals.
  • mmstgr
    mmstgr Posts: 578 Member
    Definitely the school counselor.
    You won't need to confront the parent and get too involved.
  • Crying_In_Color
    Crying_In_Color Posts: 246 Member
    You call the police and children and youth and report child neglect.
  • timadotcom
    timadotcom Posts: 653 Member
    Just playing devil's advocate here - what if the girl was not telling you the whole truth? Maybe her mom wanted them to stop drinking and these girls wouldn't listen so she keeps on kicking them out? I would not trust a 13 yr old who was drinking... I know this sounds horrible, but perhaps the mom was trying to prove a point, that being the kids are not allowed to drink if they want to live in her home!!

    I would say talk to the mother first, then maybe get a counsellor involved. If the mother really does give a *kitten*, then call CPS.

    I thought about that too... I'm sure there has to be more to the story, but this girl looked so scared. When I asked how they were feeling (meaning were they feeling sick from drinking) they said they had just been crying all night. I don't know how the night started, but she looked devastated when we picked her up.

    I would just talk to the mom first.. she might be frustrated that these kids are not listening and trying out some tough love. Seriously I do not know what I would do if my kid did that, it's horrible!! The girls could be scared because they might have wanted to get sympathy from you and put on the 'innocent' face so you feel bad for them. I mean unless the mother is a horrible beast ( which you will find out from talking to her), she wouldn't kick these kids out for no reason! Can you imagine if you watched your kid drink alcohol.. I can't stomach this!
  • cyclerjenn
    cyclerjenn Posts: 833 Member
    When my daughter was 14 I had an issues that was similar. However it turned out the kids ran away from home, but did not want me to know.

    Try talking with the parents or school an have them reach out to the parents.
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