The Eating Disorder State of Mind

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evakay1
evakay1 Posts: 23 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm not entirely sure why I've decided to write this up. Maybe as something to look back on when I feel lost, or maybe as just a vent. Some support from fellow MFPers would certainly help here!
My relationship with my body has never been good. Since hitting puberty, I always thought I was fat, horrendously so. I started my first diet at the age of 12, when I was actually underweight. I hit 14, and became a full time bulimic. Food became an obsession, an evil that needed to leave my body the moment it went in, which meant the amounts that went in were absolutely huge. I felt like I'd discovered a secret to loosing weight while still seeming like I ate normally to everyone around. This continued for years, with bingeing and purging happening up to 10 times a day. At my lowest i weighed 48kg, which was only just slightly underweight, but I thought I was a blimp!
I started university, stopped purging and minimised my bingeing, but my weight ballooned. I gained 20kg in 3 years, attempting to loose some here and there but always with an upwards trend.
All of this, coupled with depression and anxiety has locked my ideas of weight loss with very unhealthy and unachievable self sabotaging goals. The old "all or nothing" attitude I carried around until the age of 20.

Thing is, every time i try to loose the weight, I always start out reasonable and slow. But if i see just some results my mind goes into overdrive. If i eat only half of what i ate yesterday, I'll loose twice as much weight! If i purge my lunch, it gives me so much more of a deficit! If i exercise for 3 hours, I have cancelled out a whole meal! This of course spirals out of control, meaning I don't stick to what I'm doing, fall off the wagon and and gain another 5kg.
It's nearly impossible to see myself where I need to be without resorting back to what worked in the past.
I'd like to think my bulimia is behind me, but it always loves to rear its ugly head when i try to loose weight. How do I shut this voice up? I'm scared of slipping, because this has been one of my most steady and effective attempts at shedding this weight. Any suggestions or words of support would be lovely. Sigh, that was hard...

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  • evakay1
    evakay1 Posts: 23 Member
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    bumping this back up
  • evakay1
    evakay1 Posts: 23 Member
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    I hate to bump this up again, but I would really love a little advice on this type of anxiety, whether it's from someone with a history of an eating disorder, or someone who just gets a little obsessive about things, it would really help knowing I'm not alone out here.
  • alexngbr
    alexngbr Posts: 21 Member
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    Hi. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone with this. I spent most of my late teens and early twenties in an insane cycle of binging and starvation (never purged though). I would become obessed with each new diet e.g. low carb and take it to the extreme by literally cutting out all carbs and making myself ill and therefore unable to stick with it. I wish I could say there was an answer for how I managed to stop, but I honestly don't know. I think it was a combination of time and slowly coming to terms with liking myself (believe me that has been a struggle). Have finally accepted that I have to do this properly.

    I just want to wish you the best and hope that you find a way to get through this

    xoxo
  • evakay1
    evakay1 Posts: 23 Member
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    Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts :) Your reply was just what I needed, mind if I add you on here?
  • Nicola1944
    Nicola1944 Posts: 348 Member
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    Hi :)

    I get really obssesive about things..... random things! From routines, to the things i eat! Iv always been "big" so have always had food issue.... well since the age of 5. Up untill then i was a normal kid, with normal eating habits... then a girl at school called me fatty..... fast forward to anorexia! I was way too young to remember it, but my mum tells me i was so skinny and poorly from it, since then my eating habits have been terrible ( I think it was a case of, well aslong as shes eating, it doesnt matter what) Only it did, cos then I became an overweight kid, overweight teen, then OBESE young lady! :( Im not in the obese catagory anymore but still have a long long way to go! :(

    I dont know if this helps at all, and dont really know what my point is haha, just wanted to let you know your defo not alone in feeling like this! Fingers crossed you beat it and dont get that way again!

    Feel free to add me if iv helped at all! :)

    xx

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