Watching son make bad choices, not sure what to do.

CasperO
CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
edited September 20 in Health and Weight Loss
Wow,,, not sure what to do, if anything.

I'm 42, my son is 19. He's bumming right now, living with us, getting ready for school this fall, and not working (I know I know, almost toughlove time).

I'm 5'8 - 211 pounds now. Pretty massive bone structure so it's not too bod. I was 270 pounds a while back, and I made a lot of terrible food choices in my life. Wife (son's mom) and I have done well this year and started taking pretty good care of ourselves after many years of not doing so well (though we were never really that bad,,,).

My son is 6'1 and not as heavily built as I. He can carry 200, maybe. Any more than that he starts looking like a jellyroll. After some time off he's up around 240 pounds. I don't know what to do about it. It's none of my business in a way, but I hate to see him going down the path I took.

Last night I grilled some nice lean steaks and cooked some asparagus and my wife made some spaghetti squash and we had a nice dinner. I made a 6 oz. steak for she and I and the big 8 ouncer from the package for son. Also a loaf of fresh french bread there that I took 2 inches of and he took half the loaf.

Now this made a nice dinner, about 500 calories, not bad. After dinner son went back in the kitchen and nuked himself 4 hotdogs, put 'em on buns, and smothered 'em with chili. Ok,,, wow... that's wild. That's about 1400 calories - after dinner!?!?! How the hell can he do that?

Ok, I know, young guy. When I was that age I ate a lot too. But when I was that age I was busting 14 hours a day in a machine shop on an aircraft carrier. Jeez,,, he's gonna explode if he keeps this up.

He doesn't listen to me, never did - which is just as well 'cause I don't know what to say. After wasting my 30's as a beanbag chair with eyes I can't bust him too hard - I'll just be a hypocrite. Any ideas?

Replies

  • July24Lioness
    July24Lioness Posts: 2,399 Member
    Lead by example is the most you can do.

    Unfortunately, we want the ones we care for and love to be fit and healthy too, but we can not force it on them.

    Continue to lead by example and hopefully he will fall in with you and your DW.

    We can't force people to change, they have to want that for themselves.
  • VballLeash
    VballLeash Posts: 2,456 Member
    Don't worry too much about being hypocritical, just tell him that you know that you made the wrong choices and you don't want it to be like that for him. Tell him how much you regret it and you wish you would have someone guiding you... You are doing a good job at giving him the tools by cooking healthy. Keep up the good example, hopefully he will realize it and hopefully sooner rather than later! Good luck... :happy:

    ~Leash :heart:
  • Ileanak
    Ileanak Posts: 343 Member
    Wow, Casper, that's a tough one. Food is so central to a family that "messing" with a dynamic can be problematic.

    I wouldn't tell you to comment directly on food rather cook as you have always been doing, follwo the other posts suggestions and lead by example.

    I would say, however, that the change could be made in the other area.... the not working area, that is. If he is an adult, and living with you rent free, and (as you put it) bumming, then you have the right to have him abide from some rules, like not reating you outr of house and home. Do you or your wife eat hot dogs and chilli? I suspect not, which means that you are buying it for him. My suggestion? Stop. Buy only food you two would even consider eating, and leave it at that. If he wants more food, he has to choose from the healthier options, and if not buy it himself.

    best of luck to all of you!!
  • twilight1542
    twilight1542 Posts: 403
    I work primarily within the home setting with children with special needs so parent-child relations are something I deal with a lot. The biggest lesson I find myself teaching the parents is that the more they make something taboo (eg a no-no) the more the child will want to do it. So my advice would be to lead by example & don't attempt to convince him that you are right & he is wrong. Ultimately he has to make the choice to make healthy choices. One thing you could do is to make plans to do stuff with him that he enjoys & is active...playing sports, hiking, swimming.....Make it time to spend with him not time to exercise & he might be more willing to participate. Also, if he lives at home & you are feeding him then keep only good foods in the house. If he chooses to over-eat or buy his own unhealthy food that is his choice, but at least you'll know that you are doing your best to set a good example.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
    Frustrating. The best thing to do might be to "casually" let him know (often!) how great you and your wife feel now that you're eating better and living healthier. It's probably not going to make much difference to a 19 year old who's heading off to school soon.

    Hey, why do you have hot dogs in the house? lol
  • magglett
    magglett Posts: 2,000
    Awe Casper ... it really is tough watching a loved one go through this. I too have a daughter who makes bad choices as far as I'm concerned but I wasn't a good example while she was growing up just as my mother wasn't a good example for me. This circle has been going on for generations in my family. She is an adult now and all I can do is be a healthy example ... but ultimately ... it's her choice.
  • singfree
    singfree Posts: 1,591 Member
    This works for me: If there is no junk food in the house, I can't eat badly...at home. You can control what he eats at home by ONLY buying healthy choices. Believe me, I have little willpower if the stuff is lying around. Good luck!
  • dewdrop
    dewdrop Posts: 1,715 Member
    Here's my 2 pennies worth... since you asked :wink: .
    It's none of my business in a way, but I hate to see him going down the path I took.

    Sorry to say it plain and clear: I think it is! Not wanting him to make the same mistakes you did is not hypocrisy! It's a father's love :heart: . So use every occasion to say one or two sentences about healthy food vs. poison. Don't preach, but one or two sentences can stick to mind more than you'd know.

    Try not to keep bad food in the house. Cook together healthy stuff. Get him used to good taste: my mum cooks so lean that when I eat greasy food it makes me sick.

    Don't be afraid that you might annoy him. Things you tell him now will accompany him when he's on his own away from home. As long as you point out it's all out of love and as long as you give him good arguments, so that he understands the logics, he'll remember it later.

    Maybe challenge him for some outdoors activity. So that he sees how fit your are :wink: . Go hiking together.

    Good luck :flowerforyou: . I hope people will be able to say soon "like father, like son" :flowerforyou: .
  • sarabear
    sarabear Posts: 864
    Don't worry too much about being hypocritical, just tell him that you know that you made the wrong choices and you don't want it to be like that for him. Tell him how much you regret it and you wish you would have someone guiding you... You are doing a good job at giving him the tools by cooking healthy. Keep up the good example, hopefully he will realize it and hopefully sooner rather than later! Good luck... :happy:

    ~Leash :heart:
    This is what I was going to say! Words right outta muh mouth! Good luck!
  • Mariettarose
    Mariettarose Posts: 44
    I know the kid personally. Stop putting the garbage in the house. Encourage the kid to get a job and get off the couch. It has been tough love time for a while now.

    BTW....Love ya'
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
    That's the kids' mom. Hi'ya sweetie. :heart:
  • chrissyh
    chrissyh Posts: 8,235 Member
    You two are too cute!

    I agree with her - don't buy it - if he doesn't have a job, he doesn't have money to buy the junk food and maybe if he's still hungry he'll go for a second round of asparagus next time!

    There's good points in this post about you doing what's right - lead by your example...my daughter is 17 - a little younger but she still thinks I know nothing too!! :laugh:
  • xsargex
    xsargex Posts: 768
    Growing up, I never had a problem with my weight. I was like 6-1 and 160 lbs. I was very active; skateboarded, played rugby, rode bmx bikes, so on and so forth. I could eat like a hog and not gain an inch or a pound. But my father, struggled with his weight/high blood pressure/cholesterol from his 30's and on. My mom had to start buying diet type food; low-cal this, and low-fat that. Diet soda. Man I freaking hated it! I wanted to eat junk food. I wanted to eat sugar-cereals. I wanted to drink regular soda. Now that I'm 32, I understand what my father was struggling with all those years. Cause now, I'm the one going down his path. All that food and junk is catching up to me. I'm not as active as I was. My metabolism slowed down. I'm just gettin older. It sucks. Whatever.

    Now with being that positive influence on your son. I would suggest and it sounds corny, cause 19 year olds don't typically wanna hang out with "dad" or the old guy. Maybe try to find an active hobby you both can do. You know, take him out somewhere and do something fun, that requires some running around; paintball? Every 19 year old guy likes to blow someone away with paintballs. I dunno, find something. You never know. He might enjoy it and you guys can turn it into a regular thing.

    Thats all I got.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
    Well, first Casper (and Marietta), I agree that it's probably tough love time as far as getting a job and getting off his *kitten*.

    I don't know your son's personality, so I don't know if what I say will work, so take it for what it's worth; but the best way, I have found, to pop the lightbulb on in someone's head is to sit down with them and ask them if THEY think they're eating healthy. If you can get them to agree that they aren't and then try to work with them to create a nutrition program, that makes them feel like it's (in part at least) their idea, and makes them more likely to follow through. One thing I would say is, definitely make sure they know the up side of becoming healthy. For a teen, telling them about preventing diabetes and heart disease has very little impact, as they feel invincible. A better approach would be to try to describe how (and I know this is shallow, but we're talking about teens here) fit, trim, and lean guys attract more girls. Explain that while personality may HOLD a relationship, very few people look at a dumpy, fat, slobby kid and thing "Hmm, I bet he's a REALLY nice guy, I should ask him out."

    dunno, hope this helps some.
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
    He and I never really got along, never been close. It's sad. I'm a southern boy and was raised by doting grammas/Mom/aunts/older (female) cousins/etc.etc.etc. And a wierd, moody, sometimes loving-sometimes borderline abusive Dad. I do a lot better with women than men, always have.

    Long story short,,, he wouldn't join me on a trip to the t!tties & beer festival. (Sorry gals, but really, can you imagine anything guys would enjoy more? :tongue: ). We don't do much together. Now that he's getting older maybe it'll get better.

    About the attract girls issue - he's got a girlfriend. He's got a great girlfriend,,, who I suspect may be losing patience with him. Hmmmm...
  • FireMonkey
    FireMonkey Posts: 500 Member
    When my son was off work the same thing happened. It secretly bothered him but he'd still go and raid the fridge. He is a soccer player so that helped a bit because even laid off he'd still scrape up enough money to be on the team. Luckily he got an apprenticeship in construction and the pounds melted off in no time. Now he's living on his own and eating healthy.

    Kids can drive us to despair when they're still at home but getting to the age that they need to spread their wings and fly. Your positive example will stick with him, even if he won't admit it right now.
  • xsargex
    xsargex Posts: 768
    Kinda jumping off what Banks said....it sounds like your son, like alot 19-year olds not sure about life, is lacking a bit of discipline. Unfortunately, tuning a kid up at that age, probably seems next to impossible. Not saying you have to give up or just leave him to figure it out for himself.... but just be persistent and consistent with your new lifestyle. Eventually, he's gonna look back and realize his faults. Believe me, my dad lectured me till he was blue in the face about everything; college, finanaces, the future, retirement, investing, saving, working, etc etc etc. I blew it all off. It wasn't till I was 25. Had ran off to the military and its like someone flipped a switch.... I wans't gettin any younger and I had looked back at my younger years and realized I had made alot of f-ups. DING!!! Everything my dad had said to me.... was right. I was an idiot. Yes, I learned the hard way.

    I think sometimes in life... people lacking that natural drive in life, just learn the hard way, my friend.
    But doesn't mean you have to get angry with him, or give up, or feel like a failure as a father. Just like my dad...he never gave up on me.

    Look how I turned out! hahahahaha. :devil:
  • stef_e_b
    stef_e_b Posts: 593
    When I was younger I was a lot fitter then I am now but still not great. My dad wanted to try to help me by forcing me to workout all the time and putting me on a diet. All it did was hurt our relationship and change my relationship with food.

    I think it would have been better if he had tried to do stuff with me instead of making me sit on the exercise bike all night. Go hiking, regardless if hes going to come. Invite the girlfriend she might want to go and convince your son too. Then you're being more active which is good for you, and hopefully inproving your son's health and your relationship with him.
  • staceyw37
    staceyw37 Posts: 2,094 Member
    Don't worry too much about being hypocritical, just tell him that you know that you made the wrong choices and you don't want it to be like that for him. Tell him how much you regret it and you wish you would have someone guiding you... You are doing a good job at giving him the tools by cooking healthy. Keep up the good example, hopefully he will realize it and hopefully sooner rather than later! Good luck... :happy:

    ~Leash :heart:

    i agree. there are things i'm trying to teach my daughter that i explain are matters that i still struggle with but i don't want her to have to do that when she's my age. i want her to have the chance to learn and practice a better way.
    good luck! :heart:
  • herowithinyou
    herowithinyou Posts: 17
    Frustrating. The best thing to do might be to "casually" let him know (often!) how great you and your wife feel now that you're eating better and living healthier. It's probably not going to make much difference to a 19 year old who's heading off to school soon.

    Hey, why do you have hot dogs in the house? lol

    I don't know about that. People my age tend to see through the "casually letting us know" thing :P

    Casper, the best advice I have for you is to set a good example, keep only good foods in the house, try to do active things with him. You know that old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"? Sometimes you can't even lead a teenager, because we refuse to even see the water! We keep our eyes shut to the things we don't want to see.

    This'll probably have to be something that he figures out on his own; I know getting a hold on my weight was. I didn't do it until I saw how big a lot of my family members were getting and thought "I don't want to look like that."...Then I realized that I was 20 pounds lighter before I started college :grumble: The biggest thing, though, is to make sure he has some sort of fun way to exercise, because could be what gets him started. I didn't really start exercising regularly until I got my kickboxing equipment. Good luck to you, and your wife and son :smile:

    Ps: seriously? Get the hot dogs out of the house!
  • herowithinyou
    herowithinyou Posts: 17
    Well, first Casper (and Marietta), I agree that it's probably tough love time as far as getting a job and getting off his *kitten*.

    I don't know your son's personality, so I don't know if what I say will work, so take it for what it's worth; but the best way, I have found, to pop the lightbulb on in someone's head is to sit down with them and ask them if THEY think they're eating healthy. If you can get them to agree that they aren't and then try to work with them to create a nutrition program, that makes them feel like it's (in part at least) their idea, and makes them more likely to follow through. One thing I would say is, definitely make sure they know the up side of becoming healthy. For a teen, telling them about preventing diabetes and heart disease has very little impact, as they feel invincible. A better approach would be to try to describe how (and I know this is shallow, but we're talking about teens here) fit, trim, and lean guys attract more girls. Explain that while personality may HOLD a relationship, very few people look at a dumpy, fat, slobby kid and thing "Hmm, I bet he's a REALLY nice guy, I should ask him out."

    dunno, hope this helps some.

    whoa, hold it buddy. If you're not careful, that approach could seriously piss him off, and make him think that you think that he's disgusting and that he can't attract girls (and what guy wants to hear that?). He might just go away from your little sit-down more angry than ever. Trust me, every teen knows the up side of being healthy already, if they've made it through high school. It's just getting the motivation to do it, and that's not really something you can force on him.

    However, Casper, you did mention that you made a special concession for him by giving him the bigger steak. Try not to do things like that. Or if you're going to serve french bread, maybe only put out the amount you think should be enough for all three of you. If you don't make the food available for him to overeat, then it's possible that he'll at least cut down a bit.
  • sandra400
    sandra400 Posts: 51 Member
    probably he is bored, maybe invite him to exerecise with you on occasion and take him out of the house to do some hobby you both like.
  • barbarella
    barbarella Posts: 609 Member
    This reminds me a bit of myself around that age ...... weight was not the issue, alcohol and not having a direction in life was. I moved back home after graduating from college and had no clue what to do next. So I partied & putzed around the house.

    No adult offered me any guidance.... at school or at home. I might have been too stubborn to listen anyway! But I believe I would have thought about, and possibly responded eventually to, some repetitive short bits of healthy advice about making healthy choices for myself.

    Best of luck to you Awesome Twosome! :flowerforyou: :love: :flowerforyou:
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