Taking care of everyone around you

femmi1120
femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
edited December 17 in Chit-Chat
Anyone ever feel like you're constantly trying to take care of everyone around you? Today my boyfriend asked me to please stop acting like I'm his mother...(He's been sick, and I'm the one getting onto him about trying to eat better, go to the doctor, get his work shift covered, etc). I told him I wouldn't feel the need to "take care of him" if he would just do it himself -__-

I know it's not my responsibility, but I always feel like it is, not just with him, but with my younger sister, and sometimes my parents.

Just something I realized today, which is really disturbing to me since I don't even have kids yet. Kind of sounds like a nightmare now, because when I do, I actually WILL be responsible for their well-being...

And no, this isn't one of those "I'm too busy taking care of everyone else to take care of myself" threads. I'm managing that just fine, but this is just added stress I probably don't need to be putting on myself and was wondering if this happens to anyone else.

Replies

  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
    I'm the same way. Some of us just have that instinct to want to look out for everyone and help them, whether they want it or not, lol. It's never appreciated, but I'd rather be someone wanting to take care of others than someone who doesn't give a damn. :flowerforyou:
  • PapaverSomniferum
    PapaverSomniferum Posts: 2,670 Member
    I know the feeling. Not only am I a mother, a girlfriend, a gardener, and a pet-owner,

    but I am also a caretaker as a career.

    I, literally, am caring for someone somehow 100% of the time I am awake.
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    I know the feeling. Not only am I a mother, a girlfriend, a gardener, and a pet-owner,

    but I am also a caretaker as a career.

    I, literally, am caring for someone somehow 100% of the time I am awake.

    Wow! And I thought I was bad! I babysit too, so I guess there's another thing I hadn't even considered XD Good job making time to take care of yourself though!
  • Mad4282
    Mad4282 Posts: 171 Member
    OH LORDY CAN I RELATE! I am parents to my family, some friends, even my fiance a lot of times and after a while the stress really brings me down and makes me feel worn out. I literally feel like I am worried about someone else's happiness 24/7. Its exhausting.
  • katm427
    katm427 Posts: 227 Member
    I understand the feeling entirely. My friends call me "mom" at school - which really bothers me, to be honest. It's a huge pet peeve. I absolutely hate that I'm the "mom" of the social group since I'm younger than a lot of my friends. I feel as though I wouldn't act that way around people if they would take care of themselves. It becomes a pretty vicious cycle here. I don't know what to do to stop playing "mom" because honestly - I'm sure most of you caretakers in the world notice that a lot of the time it feels like you take care of everyone, but no one takes care of you but yourself.
  • GurleyGirl524
    GurleyGirl524 Posts: 578 Member
    yes I do. I have a terminally ill husband AND a special needs child.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    Seven years ago, I started taking care of my ex husband, who has (now) late stage COPD w/ emphysema. I had recently become disabled myself, but could still cook and take care of myself, so I thought "what the heck?" so I moved about 100 miles to live at his house to watch after him (this, after being divorced for 35 years). At the time, he didn't need 24/7 care or anything like that. I told him I would care for him until it came to personal hygiene, then he would have to make a decision as to where he would get care. So I was here for about 5 months and he started having severe problems, collapsed lung a few times and being really sick. Now it's more than 7 years later (where the F did the time go?), his COPD is REALLY bad, plus he was diagnosed with bladder cancer about 2 years ago and we recently found out it has spread just about everywhere in his body. And, they also found the beginning of lung cancer which, they say, is unrelated to the bladder cancer. I often wonder how I ever got into this situation. I guess from offering to help in the first place. I can't just say 'it's been nice, good bye". It would be cruel to just abandon him. I now have a 24/7 job for which I don't get compensated, which is pushing me to the limit physically as well as emotionally. He is demanding, grouchy and insults me every day (I guess I would be too, but it's always directed at ME). I have always been a strong, self reliant person, but now I feel guilty for feeling cheated out of the last few years *I* have left. Right now he is getting radiation treatments on one of his femurs, which is cancerous. A few months ago, I asked him about what we had spoken of, as far as care giving goes, and he started shouting at me and said "well, you haven't said anything yet"! So, I guess I have to be the bad guy and say "I no longer want to take care of you". Right, how could anyone just abandon someone who's terminal and so sick? It feels like I am being tested as to how long it's going to take before I publicly declare my selfishness and leave a sick old man to manage his own care. He wouldn't know where to begin, because I have done everything since I came here (bills, shopping, cooking, laundry, driving, taxes, everything). (When we married, he was 36 and I was 21, so he's 15 years older than me. I'm 64 and he's 79.) Sometimes I get so angry at my situation, I think my head will explode. I'm pretty much trapped until the "end".
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
    Well...one good thing is that your boyfriend pointed it out. You are better off having him give you a pass at being his caretaker than having him take advantage of you for being so willing to do things for him when he's sick :)
  • jenlarz
    jenlarz Posts: 813 Member
    Me Me me! It can be family, friends, whoever. It happens. I don't mind so much, its part of who I am and always will be. The only time it bothers me is if I need somthing from those I care for and have a hard time getting it. I say YAY for all of us do gooders and care takers that help keep others from falling apart!
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Sometimes I catch myself trying to do that, but then I remember that ... your advice will only be welcome if they come looking for it, so hold out.

    Otherwise, hands off. Let 'em crash and burn and come running. Or not. Either way, they need to take care of things by themself for the most part.

    Unless it's something serious, you know, that will affect both of you, and you can offer a perspective or knowledge that they wouldn't know otherwise. They WOULD get by and survive if you weren't around... somehow... probably not with as much finesse or as well, but ;)
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    Look up co-dependency. That is what you are doing.
  • picassoadagio
    picassoadagio Posts: 407 Member
    I have learned you can't worry about everyone else, because you waste the better part of your day doing it. You have to do what makes you feel alive and then go do it.


    "Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive." -Howard Thurman
  • nickymorgan
    nickymorgan Posts: 7
    Yes I hear you. I have two children and a husband and I seem like I have to take care of everything. Even when it comes to my parents medical issues they turn to me. I get busy with everyone else that some times I forget about myself and what I need.

    It is tough when others don't step up and do what they should do. Like my husband have to tell he many times to call and make his own doctor appt. I tell him I am not your mother, but sometimes I feel he wants me to be. Do everything for him.

    If we keep doing this where does it put us.
  • tashaa1992
    tashaa1992 Posts: 658 Member
    Don't worry you're not alone on this one, I'm exactly the same. I like to make sure everyone's happy and taken care of, I do it at home, with my friends, at work, with my collegues. It does get a bit annoying though lol. I work in a children's nursery so I'm constantly taking care of one little person if not more lol. I'm the person who will make a fuss over someone even if they've just simply fallen over, I'm just a bit of a worrier lol.
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    Well...one good thing is that your boyfriend pointed it out. You are better off having him give you a pass at being his caretaker than having him take advantage of you for being so willing to do things for him when he's sick :)

    Oh trust me,hes more than willing to have me drive him to the doctors and make him food and be there to cuddle with him when he's sick. What he doesn't like is me lecturing him on taking better care of himself. Like today, I asked him what he wanted for lunch... "Pizza!"
    "Uhhh, how about some nice veggies?"
    "No, I'm really in the mood for pizza!"
    He's been throwing up too, so I was really wanted him to eat something on the lighter side but we were able to come to a compromise and split pasta and salad :)
  • HizGlory
    HizGlory Posts: 18
    Today my boyfriend asked me to please stop ... I know it's not my responsibility, but I always feel like it is, not just with him, but with my younger sister, and sometimes my parents

    It's time for you to be obedient! Your boyfriend told you to "please stop"...so do just that STOP!! As a person who thrived on being co-dependent with my family, my friends, even strangers...I've learned that is not my responsibility to take care of capable adults. Ask yourself, "if you died today who would everyone else stop living?" The answer is no...they would grieve, but your boyfriend would get better, your little sister & parents would solve their own problems, etc.

    I've been where you are, but believe me, when you stop trying to balance everything else...the "weight" will truly fall off!!
  • FoxxC
    FoxxC Posts: 54 Member
    Me Me me! It can be family, friends, whoever. It happens. I don't mind so much, its part of who I am and always will be. The only time it bothers me is if I need somthing from those I care for and have a hard time getting it. I say YAY for all of us do gooders and care takers that help keep others from falling apart!

    I second that emotion.....:drinker:
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
    yes I do. I have a terminally ill husband AND a special needs child.


    Sending you a big hug. :flowerforyou:
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    yes I do. I have a terminally ill husband AND a special needs child.


    Sending you a big hug. :flowerforyou:

    And another one from me :( Sounds like you need one. Hang in there and stay strong :heart:
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I don't have this problem. I barely want to be responsible for the things I'm actually supposed to be responsible for.

    The answers to the following questions might be too personal, so don't feel like you have answer them here. I'll probably forget I posted here and not check back anyway. They're just something for you to consider because you said you just realized this today and you found it disturbing.
    Growing up, were you often in situations where you had to care for your siblings or someone else?
    Were you in situations where things might have been bad for you because they were out of your control?

    Whatever the answers are, your need to care for others might actually be a need for you to control a situation so that you can feel comfortable. Stuff to think about.
  • lorismoose
    lorismoose Posts: 2
    Yes I constantly find myself taking care of others first. I belive this was installed into my brain at a young age (all because I was helping my mom with diapers by the age of eight) My job even consists of taking care of individuals with disabilities. I also find myself taking care of the kids,husband,dog & cats. School has been postpoaned in my life twice, since i have to work to care for all those I just meantioned . I will never know if I will be able to get out of my situation, because to me it feels like things go out of whack if I'm not the one doing everything for everyone..... I guess I'm a sad sap
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