Reconciliation after Divorce...

A_New_Horizon
A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hello MFP family...I am the one that posted about "True Love" and "forgivness". Well, I had another session last night in my DivorceCare class, and it was on reconciliation - not necessary reconiling the marriage but just to be civil. At this point, I am no where near ready because I just want to scratch his eyes out. I am looking for responses especially those who have been divorced. How long did it take before you could just be civil with your ex? I am just looking for personal experience/opinions (no arguing please). My ex has done alot of damage to me, and I am still very angry with him. Thanks in advance.
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Replies

  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,870 Member
    My #1 goal is to somehow become friends with Danny again, because our relationship was initially based on friendship, and I think that, even though the love is gone and there are so many obstacles that our marriage just could not overcome, I still do admire him as a person and would love to be his friend again someday.

    That's just my two cents.


    ETA: Forgiveness benefits you more than anyone else - it means that you no longer allow another person's actions to hurt your growth and progress as a person.
  • dreamingchild
    dreamingchild Posts: 208 Member
    This is an interesting topic. I am married but have hated/been seriously angry with my husband. It has taken probably 1 1/2 years to get to a point when I'm not angry with him anymore and I've forgiven him. Actually I had to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he has. If I hadn't come from a family that "doesn't" divorce...I think I would have divorced him... It took therapy and time and serious work to get out of the angry place....and some days I still think that we are on pretty shaky ground . Time heals things though.
  • Daisy_Cutter
    Daisy_Cutter Posts: 774
    Mine too -- a lot of damage done.

    I ended up moving out of state because it was his joy to make me miserable. Only now that 3 years has passed and I don't see his mug all the time is it getting more civil. To be honest, I can't stand him and have no idea how long it'll be until I can tolerate his presence.

    We are civil - but mainly just for the kids' sake.
  • Daisy_Cutter
    Daisy_Cutter Posts: 774
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    ROFL...
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    ROFL...

    Glad you saw the humor. Some people probably think I am a horrible person :wink:
  • Daisy_Cutter
    Daisy_Cutter Posts: 774
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    ROFL...

    Glad you saw the humor. Some people probably think I am a horrible person :wink:

    Absolutely - I feel the same about mine. That's why I moved. Figured he wasn't dead so I needed the distance!
  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
    After an 11 year marriage, we were civil. Mostly. It took time to happen, on the order of a couple of years, but eventually we became friends again.

    Sometimes it happens, sometimes not. It's never pleasant, but things do get better.
  • nursenessa1
    nursenessa1 Posts: 182 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    LMFAO! ROFL Sweet mother of mercy that was great! Now I can have a good day.
  • cushygal
    cushygal Posts: 586 Member
    My ex and I married in 1990, divorced in 1994 and were friendly almost immediately after the divorce.

    We had no kids, no house together - both were too young to get married and I knew it was a mistake right from the moment I said "YES"

    We are both remarried, he has 2 kids and is loving his life. He actually called me out of the blue 10 years ago, he was vacationing just an hour away from my house and asked if he and his kids could come visit, and I said yes. It was a great visit, and I am truly happy for him. He wasn't the man for me, but he is for wife number 2.

    Claudette
  • therealkittymao
    therealkittymao Posts: 194 Member
    Depends on the ex. I have a lot of ex-es that I am friends with, and totally comfortable around, but that's because they were normal, non- to only-moderately dysfunctional people. The one that was a psycho I steer as clear as I can from even NOW, and it has been 8 years. It was just SO bad for SO long after the breakup... and sometimes he would act like everything was cool, until he needed to **** on me again and then oh, surprise, he is still an *kitten*. And I was the one feeling like a moron for having trusted him. AGAIN. So I finally just cut the cord completely and we don't talk, and I'm fine with that. If there is a good reason for you to maintain civility with this dude, go for it and enlist a therapist to keep yourself sane while you are getting there. But if you are just doing it out of the kindness of your heart and it's just because you want closure or whatever and he is still being a jerk to you? ... screw that, you can just redefine closure!!! :)
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    My ex and I caught a beer after our final court date. I do friendship like a pro... but it's also much in my nature.

    Circumstances may be incredibly different, so it's hard to advise on how to make it happen. But my ex and I still get together once or twice a week with our child for a dinner or playdate (zoo, park, etc.) We get along fantastically for the most part.
  • VeganInTraining
    VeganInTraining Posts: 1,319 Member
    first off, I'm sorry you are going through this, divorce sucks! When we divorced I had a lot of anger at my ex, I wont go into all the details of how he treated me crappy but it was BAD. i went back and forth between being real angry with him and finally I realized that my anger is only hurting me. It's not like I can put him in misery by hating him (otherwise I might consider still being angry ;) )

    I'd say it took at least a year to get to that point. Sometimes I'm still mad at myself for letting him do those things, sometimes I'm still hurt that someone who loved me would do that, and sometimes I get upset thinking "how could someone hate women so much..." but then I bring myself back to "that's why he's not a part of my life anymore, and I wish him the best, I really hope he doesn't treat his current wife the way he did me." I don't talk to him because I don't need that type of person in my life but if I ran into him we would be able to be friendly.

    Also, if you are the praying type, I have found that it's real hard to hate someone you are praying for.

    good luck!
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    Buahahahaaa!!!
  • Trail_Addict
    Trail_Addict Posts: 1,340 Member
    Married 15 years, and divorced almost a year ago. We have a toddler, and get along quite nicely. We talk longer and longer at each custody exchange, and help each other out. We decided to be adults about things, and not act like snotty little kids. I think too many people pick the wrong spouse with in the first place, not having a solid friendship-based relationship before getting hitched.

    It may not be a popular opinion, but it's mine.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • TK266
    TK266 Posts: 3,638 Member
    Glad you saw the humor. Some people probably think I am a horrible person :wink:

    Horribly funny.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    My ex husband caused me alot of damage. Emotionally, financially...etc... It wasn't until I got married again years later did I start settling down and honestly I still dislike him from time to time because his inability to pick up and be where he says he will be on time... (during our marriage it was always that way he would make me LATE for everything...and everyone always had to wait on him and his schedule) thought I would get away from that but obviously not when you have a child with them.... I appear civil on the outside the whole time for my sons sake...That is all. We divorced in 2007....he constantly cheated and lied and wasnt paying bills like he was supposed to be (his share of the bills by the way)
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    I'm not divorced because we never married, but we did have a child together, and we did have to legally separate due to her.

    I have found that I can't be civil to him in person for longer than 15 minutes. He just says something stupid, I have my back up and it's WAR.

    As I've been told when people witness us in the same room, i just get downright short and brusque with him and next thing you know he's provoked me into MEAN world.

    We correspond by email. I can't even text the guy without wanting to scream at him. But email we can be civil. mostly I think because we both know the other person is keeping emails for any future issues that may go to courts and lawyers.

    I am civil when my daughter is around, but it's trying. very very trying.

    i don't know that we will ever reconcile to a place where we can be friendly or nice. I don't think that's in the cards for us.

    I have too much hate in myself for how weak and incapable he is, and he has too much anger that I betrayed him by leaving.

    it is what it is.
  • k9runner1963
    k9runner1963 Posts: 108 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    ROFL...

    Me Too...
  • Fergie2154
    Fergie2154 Posts: 59
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    Hilarious.
    Thanks for the laugh :)
  • BondBomb
    BondBomb Posts: 1,781 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

    I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

    ROFL...


    Glad you saw the humor. Some people probably think I am a horrible person :wink:
    I actually think you are AWESOME!

    I was being civil to my ex for the sake of our son. But we live in different states and since he has shown no interest in my son I have decided I dont have to be anything to him
  • phillieschic
    phillieschic Posts: 615
    I try every day to be friendly and nice towards my ex...but only for the sake of our children. My boys do not need to see any more fighting between us. They've seen enough.

    HE is incapable of being civil. I think he is a great dad and I'm glad that I bred with him mostly because my boys love their dad, but he was a terrible spouse and we just grew apart...in totally opposite directions. I don't wish any ill will on him (well, not unless I get to be the one who is throwing the punches), but I also don't want him to be happy. Why should he be? He made my life miserable for too many years and laughed in my face when I suggested that we get help to save our marriage.

    Let me just add that we've been separated since August '08; divorced since September '09; I'm re-married since August '11...and he still asks me to "come over."

    Um, no.
  • sinclare
    sinclare Posts: 369 Member
    letting go of the anger is one thing you can do for yourself.

    :)
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Luckily I don't have kids with my ex, but 5 years on I couldn't be civil if I saw him so its a good job. (He was abusive so fair enough) good luck. I haven't forgiven him! I have however found peace over it all, I had to for myself x
  • BIGJIMMYU
    BIGJIMMYU Posts: 1,221 Member
    My love for my daughter persuaded me to be civil. No matter what, it wasn't her fault and I wanted to be the best daddy I could. A child will always love both parents and both parents have the equal right to see their child. Kids remember. It is these childish parents that use the child against one another that should be shot and pi$$ed on. My daughter is 21 now and we are best friends. Be there for them first in marriage /or divorce. They are what matter most to me.
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
    My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

    damn, girl, that made me laugh!!

    I left my husband 11 years ago............we remained married, but separated, for 4.5 years, until I finally divorced him.

    I was angry........red-rage, ugly, nasty angry........for a couple of years. He was a manipulator and button-pusher, and we never resolved a SINGLE argument in our marriage, so that carried into our separation for quite a long time.

    I would say, for me, it took many years - but it was gradual, and I had to forgive him (and myself), and move on. I don't see him often (his choice), and will always be concerned about him (he's very chemically dependent), but I don't hate him, and I have tried to see WHAT I LEARNED from the experience. That has helped :smile:
  • DG_Allen
    DG_Allen Posts: 219 Member
    My Ex and I divorced in 1994. She took off pregnant with her new baby daddy the day the divorce was final and I never spoke to her again! She called my mom a couple times many years later but I didn't speak with her.

    So. Reconcile or be civil? No not me.
  • Daisy_Cutter
    Daisy_Cutter Posts: 774
    My love for my daughter persuaded me to be civil. No matter what, it wasn't her fault and I wanted to be the best daddy I could. A child will always love both parents and both parents have the equal right to see their child. Kids remember. It is these childish parents that use the child against one another that should be shot and pi$$ed on. My daughter is 21 now and we are best friends. Be there for them first in marriage /or divorce. They are what matter most to me.

    Agreed! Kids definitely know what's going on! Mine fly to WA 8 times a year to see their dad.... it's good for them to have that one-on-one!
  • hitmewitdarock
    hitmewitdarock Posts: 31
    my ex and i have a decent understanding relationship...

    we both had to grow up to make this work for the kids.. now things are pretty good between us and the kids are happy...

    i had to get over alot of things to get to where i am but it has been worth it. things like jealousy (isnt easy) and feelings of being inadequate in my relationship skills...i had to grow alot and she did too... we both had to want to do it...

    now if we didnt have kids together we would have never reconciled... there would be no reason that would really justify putting ourselves through that...

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