Reconciliation after Divorce...

My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

It all depends on the circumstances and the people.

I know some divorced couples who are quite civil and friendly. I know others that absolutely hate each other.

Hilarious.
Thanks for the laugh

I try every day to be friendly and nice towards my ex...but only for the sake of our children. My boys do not need to see any more fighting between us. They've seen enough.

HE is incapable of being civil. I think he is a great dad and I'm glad that I bred with him mostly because my boys love their dad, but he was a terrible spouse and we just grew apart...in totally opposite directions. I don't wish any ill will on him (well, not unless I get to be the one who is throwing the punches), but I also don't want him to be happy. Why should he be? He made my life miserable for too many years and laughed in my face when I suggested that we get help to save our marriage.

Let me just add that we've been separated since August '08; divorced since September '09; I'm re-married since August '11...and he still asks me to "come over."

Um, no.

Luckily I don't have kids with my ex, but 5 years on I couldn't be civil if I saw him so its a good job. (He was abusive so fair enough) good luck. I haven't forgiven him! I have however found peace over it all, I had to for myself x

My ex and I divorced in 2000. He passed away last year. He treats me a lot better now and I can be civil.

damn, girl, that made me laugh!!

I left my husband 11 years ago............we remained married, but separated, for 4.5 years, until I finally divorced him.

I was angry........red-rage, ugly, nasty angry........for a couple of years. He was a manipulator and button-pusher, and we never resolved a SINGLE argument in our marriage, so that carried into our separation for quite a long time.

I would say, for me, it took many years - but it was gradual, and I had to forgive him (and myself), and move on. I don't see him often (his choice), and will always be concerned about him (he's very chemically dependent), but I don't hate him, and I have tried to see WHAT I LEARNED from the experience. That has helped

My love for my daughter persuaded me to be civil. No matter what, it wasn't her fault and I wanted to be the best daddy I could. A child will always love both parents and both parents have the equal right to see their child. Kids remember. It is these childish parents that use the child against one another that should be shot and pi$$ed on. My daughter is 21 now and we are best friends. Be there for them first in marriage /or divorce. They are what matter most to me.

Agreed! Kids definitely know what's going on! Mine fly to WA 8 times a year to see their dad.... it's good for them to have that one-on-one!

I was able to be civil on day one. That's how I got away with low child support payments (high for most, but low as a percentage of income), and no alimony, and rocking shared physical custody of the kids. I play for the long term always thinking about the end result. If you see us together, you would think that we were friends and that we have a great relationship. But, what people don't know is that I think she's a f---ing c--t and there's not a day that goes by that I do not wish she would die. I hate her more than anything and I am disgusted by her presence. She makes me sick to my stomach. So, sorry I can't help you with your healing. But, for me, it is important to maintain public civility. So, the inner seething will continue until one of us dies.

No definately funny..on what that lady said.

This thread is so very sad.

But I've been there, and it does take just forgiving yourself and the other for stupidity. Yourself for putting up with it, and the other person for not realizing what they had. I don't hate my ex. I believe that with my current husband, if we were to seperate it would really depend on WHY. If there was cheating involved, that would take much longer. But if we just couldn't make it work, I would do my best to be civil because my kids ADORE him and he is an AMAZING father. It makes me sad to even think about ever having to deal with this.

Hugs to all of you who are hurting (even if your covering it up well).

It took a good year and him having a new girlfriend until it got better.

My husband was married before me for roughly 12 years. She pulled some pretty awful stuff on him during the divorce, and I don't think he'll ever forgive her for it. Their divorce was in 2000.

He dated a few people before we met in 2004. When we met they were civil enough to exchange the kids during the mid-week drop offs, but when we went to the kids' events, we still sat separately. He still hated talking to her.

Two years after that, after it seemed he and I were pretty serious, their civility grew. We would sit together at the kids' events, and even went out to dinner as a group for graduations and things like that. Now, 12 years after their divorce, their relationship is the best that it will ever be. They'll never be friends (there just is no forgiveness for what she did, and they don't have enough in common that they would naturally be friends anyway), but when he/we visit the kids, we'll hang out with them at her house (we live in another city now, and I say kids, but all are over 18, and now live with mom to go to college). We usually only do that when she's at work, but she doesn't mind.

They'll never be friends, and he still hates talking to her on the phone (I think he has a hard time understanding why they're so different and yet made such awesome kids), but I honestly think their civility grew when I took on some of his anger. He didn't have to be angry at her when he could vent to me. And he wouldn't have to continue to be angry with her when I would get angry for him. I guess he found some peace through that. It also helped when he saw his kids grow, and realized that what she did during the divorce didn't scar them like he was afraid it would.

My long point is that it will depend on the situation, but you asked for examples. So in this case, I'd say it took about 3 years to get to speaking civility, and 7 years to get to true civility - maybe even some joking. But they will never be friends.