Reconciliation after Divorce...

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Replies

  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    I was able to be civil on day one. That's how I got away with low child support payments (high for most, but low as a percentage of income), and no alimony, and rocking shared physical custody of the kids. I play for the long term always thinking about the end result. If you see us together, you would think that we were friends and that we have a great relationship. But, what people don't know is that I think she's a f---ing c--t and there's not a day that goes by that I do not wish she would die. I hate her more than anything and I am disgusted by her presence. She makes me sick to my stomach. So, sorry I can't help you with your healing. But, for me, it is important to maintain public civility. So, the inner seething will continue until one of us dies.
  • jfcarlson713
    jfcarlson713 Posts: 108 Member
    I've been divorced for 10 years after 21 years of marriage. We have pretty much always been civil but our kids were both over 18 by the time we divorced. My current husband actually says that of all of my family members he likes to hang out with my ex the most (except for my kids of course!)..You just have to remember that there was a reason you married him in the first place and all of that time wasn't bad. I will never be "friends" with my ex but will always be "friendly" when social demands put us together. We can sit down and have a beer and be adults!!!
  • Haxi
    Haxi Posts: 3
    No definately funny..on what that lady said.
  • melissawidmer
    melissawidmer Posts: 25 Member
    My ex and I were married for 7 years. We didn't have any kids together. I was young and made a bad choice I knew this from the beginning but thought things would change.....he was a huge drinker andi was not. He was a very moody person. We could never sit down and have a normal conversation without him giving me attitude. Then he cheated and I was sooo hurt and angry. Couldn't believe the person u loved could do this. Well anyways I kicked him out and we divorced a year later. I haven't seen or alked to him since as I moved out of state. If I seen him now after 3 years I could be cival with him and say hi but like not having to run into him. I can say there is somebody for everyone as I am in a fantastic relationship with a new guy. We get along great and I love him so much. Good luck with everything. It will get better.
  • NYCDutchess
    NYCDutchess Posts: 622 Member
    This thread is so very sad.

    But I've been there, and it does take just forgiving yourself and the other for stupidity. Yourself for putting up with it, and the other person for not realizing what they had. I don't hate my ex. I believe that with my current husband, if we were to seperate it would really depend on WHY. If there was cheating involved, that would take much longer. But if we just couldn't make it work, I would do my best to be civil because my kids ADORE him and he is an AMAZING father. It makes me sad to even think about ever having to deal with this.

    Hugs to all of you who are hurting (even if your covering it up well).
  • thinkpositive3
    thinkpositive3 Posts: 85 Member
    My love for my daughter persuaded me to be civil. No matter what, it wasn't her fault and I wanted to be the best daddy I could. A child will always love both parents and both parents have the equal right to see their child. Kids remember. It is these childish parents that use the child against one another that should be shot and pi$$ed on. My daughter is 21 now and we are best friends. Be there for them first in marriage /or divorce. They are what matter most to me.



    ^^^^^ Perfectly said. End of the day - do what's best for the kids (if you have them). My kids know both parents love them, but they also don't' expect us to be "buddy-buddy" with each other. No one can tell you a timeframe to let the anger go towards him. Only you can determine that.
  • Yanicka1
    Yanicka1 Posts: 4,564 Member
    It took a good year and him having a new girlfriend until it got better.
  • ToEKnee213
    ToEKnee213 Posts: 1,031 Member
    My ex husband & I are totally civil. He cheated, I kicked him out, we divorced. We were only married 16 months.

    Hes been remarried twice.

    His mom & I still talk. His dad is a putz. Apple didn't fall far from that tree.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    My husband was married before me for roughly 12 years. She pulled some pretty awful stuff on him during the divorce, and I don't think he'll ever forgive her for it. Their divorce was in 2000.

    He dated a few people before we met in 2004. When we met they were civil enough to exchange the kids during the mid-week drop offs, but when we went to the kids' events, we still sat separately. He still hated talking to her.

    Two years after that, after it seemed he and I were pretty serious, their civility grew. We would sit together at the kids' events, and even went out to dinner as a group for graduations and things like that. Now, 12 years after their divorce, their relationship is the best that it will ever be. They'll never be friends (there just is no forgiveness for what she did, and they don't have enough in common that they would naturally be friends anyway), but when he/we visit the kids, we'll hang out with them at her house (we live in another city now, and I say kids, but all are over 18, and now live with mom to go to college). We usually only do that when she's at work, but she doesn't mind.

    They'll never be friends, and he still hates talking to her on the phone (I think he has a hard time understanding why they're so different and yet made such awesome kids), but I honestly think their civility grew when I took on some of his anger. He didn't have to be angry at her when he could vent to me. And he wouldn't have to continue to be angry with her when I would get angry for him. I guess he found some peace through that. It also helped when he saw his kids grow, and realized that what she did during the divorce didn't scar them like he was afraid it would.

    My long point is that it will depend on the situation, but you asked for examples. So in this case, I'd say it took about 3 years to get to speaking civility, and 7 years to get to true civility - maybe even some joking. But they will never be friends.
  • sandrinamsilva
    sandrinamsilva Posts: 651 Member
    I separated in 2006, 2008 the Judge asked if we were sure we wanted to divorce. (We were laughing and catching up at the signing of the papers) 2010 he told me he "didn't give a a F*&K about anyone that didn't give a F*&K about him" and hasn't talk to me since. I don't write to ex-husbands while they are in Jail and have a girlfriend out here waiting for him - didn't seem right PLUS we are DIVORCED with NO children = no ties.
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    When I let go of all the ugliness and harbored no feelings towards him... It wasnt instant but I dont feel anything towards him.
    I have found and horrid memories both.. When I think of those things I have feelings but towards him... nada
    I could be civil once I started down that path
  • k1ngfl1pper
    k1ngfl1pper Posts: 46 Member
    From the other side of the aisle.. My ex and I divorced in 2005 after my return from overseas are we are very civil in public. But since I was awarded custody this past Summer, I know (after hearing it from my daughter) that she wants me to die a painful and horrible death. And I can safely say I feel roughly the same way about her. Difference is, I don't show that to my daughter. We are never going to reconcile and to be honest, I don't feel the need to.
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
    Reconciliation taking place is different for each person/couple. There are cuts that require time to heal.

    Divorced 12 years now.
    Not remarried
    2 daughters (17/13)
    1 lives with me, the youngest with mom

    Let me be clear...I don't like or trust my ex-wife and if you knew her, you'd know exactly why. However, I am cordial/civil towards her because it does absolutely no good to be otherwise. It took roughly a year to come to our senses.

    Today, we rarely speak now that our daughters are older and have a cell phone with them 24/7. They do most of the communicating for us, although I did speak with her more than normal this week.

    I wish you all well. Keep the faith!
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 999 Member
    We parted 3 years ago and I still want to scratch his eyes out :mad: :explode: I can't even fathom the day that we are actually civil. I try, but he certainly brings out the worst in me :devil:
  • greeneyedredneckangel
    greeneyedredneckangel Posts: 79 Member
    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers
  • apena_06
    apena_06 Posts: 50
    Length of time is obviously different for everyone because everyone's situations are different. For me it took around 2-3 years to become civil with him and it took around 4 before I actually forgave him for the damage (mentally and emotionally) that he caused me. We have a 7 year old daughter together and from day one we swore we'd never fight in front of her and do our best to co-parent in a healthy way, which we did/do. On a personal level it took me a lot of soul searching and really accepting myself before I could even think to forgive him.

    Good luck and trust me when I say, it does eventually get easier!
  • tinytubbs
    tinytubbs Posts: 54
    the ex wife and i were civil within a few weeks of the seperation....we both knew it was over. Now the gf i dated for 4 years after my first wife.....everytime i make a gesture to try and get along i get my hand cut off. It has been 13 years since we were together and she was the one caught cheating on me but for some reason when i left her i became the bad guy...lol. The only reason i even make an effort is because we have a kid together. otherwise i would not even try.
  • Pdschurig
    Pdschurig Posts: 56 Member
    I have been divorced almost 14 years now and I am mostly indifferent toward my ex now. He cheated at every oppertunity and left me feeling guilty and ashamed in front of my friends and family. I have not had any contact with him for 4 years now and I do not see that changing since he is now a "guest" of the Great State of Texas. I can only hope that he will be always and eternally denied parole or have an "accident" in the shower. Not pretty sorry!
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers

    Let me be clear: I am NOT being a child. My ex is actually incarcerate for Child pornography, and he ISN'T allowed to have contact with me or the kids right now. I hope in time I can learn to forgive him and be civil - down the road. Right now, I am out to protect myself and my children from him. He treated me horrible: cheated, abuse, etc. I am one damaged woman from it. So, I am not being childish - it came up in my DivorceCare last night, and I was just asking for personal experience from those that have been divorced about a rought estimate of time. Don't judge BEFORE you know all the facts!!!!
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
    I have been divorced almost 14 years now and I am mostly indifferent toward my ex now. He cheated at every oppertunity and left me feeling guilty and ashamed in front of my friends and family. I have not had any contact with him for 4 years now and I do not see that changing since he is now a "guest" of the Great State of Texas. I can only hope that he will be always and eternally denied parole or have an "accident" in the shower. Not pretty sorry!

    LOl - I feel the same about about my ex; he is a "guest" in the great state of PA. His min is up in 5 years, but I honestly believe he will be doing more like 10-15 before paroled (since his max is 40 yrs).
  • hitmewitdarock
    hitmewitdarock Posts: 31
    he was into child porn and was a d*ck that didnt treat his kids right? you want to reconcile? are you for f***ing real?

    why this guy isnt completely done in your life is beyond me... the child porn charge is a dead giveaway.. he is a nutjob and dangerous to chiuldren and others.. do you lack self esteem?

    get rid of the guy and be done with it.. and the only way he sees the kids is under court supervision...
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers

    It is amazing that you would judge people without knowing circumstances. I hope you are a lot more tolerant with people in your real life
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
    he was into child porn and was a d*ck that didnt treat his kids right? you want to reconcile? are you for f***ing real?

    why this guy isnt completely done in your life is beyond me... the child porn charge is a dead giveaway.. he is a nutjob and dangerous to chiuldren and others.. do you lack self esteem?

    get rid of the guy and be done with it.. and the only way he sees the kids is under court supervision...

    Yes, I am bascially done with him and working on my divorce now, but he is still the father of my children (2 actually). I don't believe he will be allowed around the children except supervised, but that means I still need to be civil. Yes, I do lack in self-esteem (from the abuse).
  • mandie0378
    mandie0378 Posts: 73 Member
    I have never been married myself, but was thrown in the middle of my parents rather messy divorce.

    My parents were married 28 years when they split up due to my father's infedility. I was 22 and my brother was 25. On top of this my maternal grandmother was in the end stages of ovarian cancer. My mother was so hurt that she wanted us to hate our Dad. While I didn't approve of what he had done, he was still my Dad and I loved him.

    My mother was so bitter that for at least 3 - 4 years after they finally divorced that she felt the need to bash my Dad every chance she got. It got to the point my brother didn't come around at all and I often had words with my mother.

    Finally one day I told my mother that it had to stop. Pointing out that this horrible person she was once married to was in fact my father and I didn't pick him, she did.

    They've been divorced over 10 years now and my mother still sometimes resorts to bashing him or making snide remarks about him. It eats away at her I can tell.

    The moral of the story is, forgive yourself. Because a lot of times I think people are more mad at themselves for having that person in their life. The need to be nasty or rude to someone satisfies your own personal need, but sometimes showing no emotion at all towards that person can be the ultimate revenge.

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