I'm a failure

Oh my goodness, you lovely, lovely people- thank you all so much. I honestly didn't expect replies, I am stranger who doesn't contribute to your community (would like to, but never feel I have worthwhile advice to offer, but will try harder). I was being rather cheeky posting on here, but figured you could all ignore me, and I would feel better just letting it all out- so, to come on today and see all the responses, I actually had leaky eyes- honestly, from the bottom of my heart I thank you all.

I have read each of your responses, but at the same time the baby was exploring my eyes and nostrels with his very pointy pokey fingers, so after bath time (his not mine) I am going to read them all properly, with a notebook to write down all of your advice, and then I will come back and reply properly. I had to post this straight away as I am so overwhelmed and grateful to you all.

Yay (Cheers theme tune gradually being replaced with the 'friends' theme tune (o; )

Thank you, will be back soon x

Right am back without the little shouty pointy one about to distract me.

Firstly I want to thank each of you who offered me hugs, and those who encouraged me, told me to not give up, and basically were just bloody lovely. It all helps, and means so much.

Right, trying now to respond to the questions and advice offered...

<b>kaned_ferret <b, - what can I eat... potatoes, white bread, chicken, white fish, salmon, mik, cheese, sugar, porridge, banana, smooth blended sauces and soups (but if they contain too much fibre I will suffer) Pasta, rice (though this can be problematic at different stages of my illness, chocolate! Small quantities of root vegetables. There must be more, but I have gone blank.

Red meats, pork, tomato based sauces, peeled apples, pears, cucumber, root veg, fruit juice (though orange and grapefruit best avoided) Minced meat, ..... if I am having a good day- I can just about manage small amounts- though there may be consequences the following day.

Now, there are some days I think 'forget it, life is too short', and eat some of the foods I ought not, but this will often result in additional pain, and other difficulties- if I ever eat too too much of the wrong thing, a rush to the hospital is needed.

Today has been a bad day, as yesterday we went to a party with a buffet- much of the food I could tell immediatey I couldn't eat, but there were other things I thought should be safe enough- especially as I knew I would be home today, and could deal with any side effects. However, it turns out the safe food wasn't safe afterall- the potato pie- well the potato sliced on top had been peeled, but the mashed potato inside had still had it's skin on. There were nuts in sauces that I didn't see (or taste) and other veg had been covered in sauce or wrapped in something else, and although I chewed carefully (as I always have to) I have been very lucky not to end up at the hospital today- I have had severe pain, sickness and a blockage...

I think it may help if I give a brief explanation of my health conditions- ( I won't include everything, as it is all rather 'dull, me, me, me', and in some case just quite gross and far far tmi) ... The main condition that causes issues with food is due to bowel disease, I have Colits/ Crohns disease I had my colon removed when I was 15 years old. In it's place I had an internal pouch made. Annoyingly after some good years, the pouch has now failed- and so (TMI coming up) ....in order to empty it (number 2's) I have to use a catheter several times a day. Due to scar tissue ( I have had well over 50 operations) and inflammation caused by the disease, food can often cause blockages- how my body reacts depends on where the blockage is- small bowel, or pouch. Blended food, can solve the blockage issue, but unfortunately too much fruit juice, or vegetable, high fibre based sauces and soups can increase my bowel output and I am stuck in the loo for hours at a time, and in considerable discomfort.

To add to the fun, I also have fistula(s), fissures and abcesses- these are around the pouch and peri anal areas. I have permanent drains in place to help prevent infections building up. However, sometimes they don't work, and other times food can block them (rice I am looking at you) or, if the pouch backs up, feces can be forced through them which burns like hell and makes me very grumpy (sorry husband and children).

I will eventually lose the pouch, and instead have a permanant ileostomy- I have had several of these over the past 17 years, but to add to the fun, I am allergic to the majority of adhesives, (if I am not allergic to one, I use it regularly and I become allergic.) I have very little small bowel left, so this means that my stomas are such that my bags leak, making me uncomfortable, exhausted and depressed. So, for now, the failed pouch and catheters are the lesser of the 2 evils, and I manage well, and do love my life.

The other conditions that restrict my diet and excercise, are a perforated duodenal ulcer, hiatus hernia, PCOS, arthritis, migraines...

Gosh, I sound such a freak- honestly, I am not just an 'ill person' and do my best not to let the blighters take over my life- though there are days like yesterday when I get fed up.

An example of my week day diet and routine

Morning

-Awake at 6am, for IV anti sickness meds, and oramorph

Husband wakes me again at 8, he has usually looked after baby since 6am, he gets older son fed, washed and dressed. Takes him to school, and himself to work

Before he leaves, I use the Bathroom (toilet), bathe, dress, and take pills and more oramorph

Breakfast
Porridge made with water and skimmed milk
some type of sweet biscuit
Tea made with skimmed milk
Glass of squash

I then wash, and dress baby- get him to sleep for nap. I normally rest for half an hour, as drugs can make feel drained.
Baby wakes after 30 minutes, it's snack time for him.

Meds time for me, including more oramorph and further IV medication.

Snack (Needed because of meds)
either low calorie biscuit, oat cake, or banana, and a cup of tea.

Clean up after baby's snack and we play and he destroys house, and I try and stick it back together (O:

Prepare baby's Lunch
I try to eat with him- often, lunch for me will be toast and light philadelphia

Baby makes a lot of mess, so kitchen floor cleaned.

I then hoover, dust, clean kitchen tidy, dust, clean bathrooms, clean floors- I do a selection of these chores each day.

Settle baby for sleep,

Bathroom trip, more Meds, run upstairs a couple of times getting clothes, and snacks ready for older son

Walk baby (in his push chair) and dog, to collect son- we walk whatever the weather.

Home, Let older son wind down with snack, then do homework, tidy house, and prepare dinner for husband, and children (They eat lots of fresh foods, and a varied diet, we are very open with my son (and will do the same with baby), and help him to understand how important a healthy diet is. He know why my meals are so different. As mealtime can be uncomfortable (pain at sitting and actual digestion) for me, my hsuband often eats his evening meals with the boys, and I eat alone. On days when we are together at lunch, I always attempt to join in with lunchtime meals.

Once husband home, he sits and eats with boys- I take a bathroom trip, have IV meds.

Have my dinner (Always before 6pm)- Regular dinner consisits of easy pizza- 2 slices of Danish bread, small amount of puree, 30mg lighter cheese. Chocolate bar and cup of tea.

Rest on sofa- will have pain after mealtime, snuggle and read with children.

Bathroom trip.

Rest.

Evening snacks Low calorie jelly, dark chocolate (30g) Low cal biscuit, rice cakes, toast, banana, slimfast bar or lighter crisps (I don't eat ALL of these, though I usually have around 200- 300kcal left for snacks and so mix and match) Usually drink a couple of cups of tea with skimmed milk.

Try not to eat later than 9.30pm

Sleep meds, all other meds including IV.

Bathroom and bed.

I am often awake with baby between 3- 5am.

and then we start again.....

Throughout the day I drink a lot- on top of water, I also drink, low cal lemonades, sugar free fruit cordials (squash) Tea, herbal tea, and fruit waters

...

My breakfast is the same everyday, but lunch and dinner can vary a little- sometimes lunch will be a sandwich, or low cal soup, or whatever the baby offers me ( Every single thing is now logged onto MFP,) Lunch time calories usually between 250- 300. Dinner can be a diet ready meal, or chicken and potato, or pasta and sauce. Dinner usually 290- 360kcals Evening snacks depend on calories left over from daytime food.

One thing I do know is a problem is that my appetite is bigger in the evening than it is during the day, and I often have to make myself eat lunch (though there are still days I run out of time- and I do know this is wrong)

I have a super sweet tooth, so have started to use low calorie jellies to help with this, I also weigh all chocolate treats so am eating far less than I use to, I also break them into small pieces so I savour them, and take longer to eat them. I have only just started to make sure I don't eat after 9.30pm and I intend bringing this time forward gradually.

I have increased my excercise, and Mon- Thursday I am trying to add a few extra minutes to the school walk, and adapting our routine as much as I can, to make it possible. Another very small change is that I never use the downstairs loo- so I always have to run up the stairs- sounds so silly when I write it down <blush>.

Fri- Sun, I am much lazier, generally because I am exhausted and these are the days my husband is around to help out (He is my carer, so he is able to work from home on Fridays. He does all he can to make me rest so I can be well enough for the following week. On Saturdays we do try to get out, and about as I get a bit fed up of being stuck in the village all week, and there is usually shopping I need to do.

As mentioned in my first post, Fri and Sat I always go over my calorie allowence, mainly because we eat lunch together, and also because my husband and I have 2 glasses of wine (150ml each) on both nights.

Goodness, this is so long- I am so sorry.

I would love suggestions to what I could do to help me lose my weight and generally be healthier- I fear I am rather stuck in a rut, and not helping myself as much as I could.

JoHo57- I am so sorry that you have suffered such a sad loss, you are amazing and an inspiration. You sound so strong and are so wonderfully kind to be thinking of others and providing me with so much support and encouragement, you seem to me to be someone very special indeed.

The stretches sound great, I have bookmarked the site and will look a little later on. I have often wondered about measuring myself rather than using the scales. But the tape measure terrifies me as I don't think I look any different than I did 6lbs ago, I am now wondering whether or not to just bite the bullet- is there somewhere I can look to learn where and how I should measure myself? (as in where on my body, not where in the house (o; )

Thank you so much for your advice, suggestions and kindness.

River_ready, have never heard of cacao bean, will investigate- thank you. I have spoken to many dieticians, but they have been very honest with me, and there is little they can do with the restrictions I have. As I am not obese, there is not a lot they can advise for weight loss, but we have looked at a low Gi diet, and I have tried to incorporate what I can. The only other things they can suggest are vitamin substitutes, but these tend to be high calorie.

Evelyn_Gorfra, thank you- I too am allergic to eggs, but seem to be able to tolerate them cooked in things (like cakes)- if I eat them as 'eggs' they cause me to bleed- very odd.
I do adore yogurt, but have never found it very filling, I will try again, and try some different types to see if there are any that satisfy my hunger better.

I have wanted to do yoga, and have attended two different classes over the years- but on both occasions I was told to sit out lots of the class because of the information I provided on my medical forms (I continually lose blood, and this has concerned them, as well as lots of other aspects of my surgical history.) I really would love to do it, but am not sure if there is a way around the barriers that my health seem to cause?
Pilates is another I have considered, but we have no local classes, and even if we did, I have no childcare during the day. Ideally. in the evenings I could use a dvd to excercise along to, but being totally honest, I am a wreck every evening after a busy (for me) day. I know I sound like I am a flake, and making excuses, I wonder if I should just try and push through the evening tiredness and pain? I don't know what would be best, as I want to be fitter, but I don't know how much I should push myself as I don't want to stop myself from being a mum the following day.

I would like to be more toned, my shape has changed forever, but there is room for improvement.

I may very well take you up on your offer for your math help, thank you, and thank you too for sharing some of your story with me. You have provided me with some very wise words, and great suggestions- thank you so much. I have actually quoted lots of your wisdom in my notebook. You're great, thank you x

Oh my word, this is sooooooo long- I really wanted to respond individually to each of you who posted, but I fear you may be losing the will to live with my endless waffle. If I didn't mention you by name, please, please don't think you're response to me was any less appreciated- I have quoted lots of the postive messages, and you are all helping me to change my mindset- I even found myself nodding yes a few times when you told me of the good things I am doing- thank you. I am not totally there yet, when it comes to feeling like I am doing good, but you have certainly set me on the right path, and I really hope I can somehow help you all in some way one day- for now, all I want to do is tell each of you that you have made a difference to me and my life.

If you have made it this far, and with ALL the additional info I have provided, think there is something or things I could be doing better, please tell me- I would be grateful for all suggestions, and would even understand if you feel I need to toughen up, and push myself more- crack all the whips you need to, I want to change.

Thank you again, and I am sorry for the minutes/ hours/ days/ weeks it as taken to read this mammoth post, you'll never get them back and you have me to blame- eeeek! Sorry! (o; x