OKCupid -- anyone use it? Do you reply to all your messages

jac264
jac264 Posts: 86 Member
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
Ok, I have to ask -- I joined OkCupid because my roommate went on some fun dates from it and I am trying to branch out a bit more after getting somewhat dumped last weekend. However, I joined and have gotten 98 messages in 3 days - first of all, is that normal? To me it seems like guys just sit down and message as many girls as possible to increase their chances of hearing back. This is the reason why I deleted my account about a year ago. I simply can't respond to all of the messages and then I start to feel bad and question the whole thing and then I get overwhelmed and want to delete my account. But I really want to give it a fair chance this time.

What's everyone's experience with it so far? And guys - would you rather a girl respond and say 'sorry i'm not interested' or just not respond at all?

Replies

  • Karrix
    Karrix Posts: 288
    Theres a larger amount of men than woman, so most women get numerous messages. Many men send the same message to multiple females, it's a cold approach.

    When I was on OKC I responded to everyone in a polite way. The replies I got back were thanking me for honesty. Most people are used to being ignored or blown off so it's nice to get a genunine response.
  • nyyrule
    nyyrule Posts: 28
    I was on OkCupid for many years before meeting someone (now engaged). A lot of it comes down to your profile... if you are very generic in your profile, how are guys going to know they are your type, or in your case, they are NOT your type, and it's not worth trying to email you? Another big thing are the photos... here are a few links to get you started, one on profile information, and the other on types of photos:

    Profile info: http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/05/pl_optimusprofile/

    Photo info: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/dont-be-ugly-by-accident/


    In terms of whether to respond or not, you need to find middle ground- when searching for people, it actually shows if someone responds a lot or a little. Responding too little may make yourself come off as cold and people may not bother to email you. Respond too much and you'll continue to be bombed with emails. Your best bet is to treat it like you would turn down people in real life- if the guy seems like a nice guy (going by his profile and message), be nice and respond, letting him down. If the guy comes off as a cocky jerk, it's okay not to respond. But I will admit, I appreciated responses, even if it was being turned down.

    Also just remember people online tend to be a lot more open and willing to go out there, so someone who may seem really open and funny online may turn out to be really shy and introverted in person... just keep that in mind when talking to people on the net.
  • OnceAndFutureAthlete
    OnceAndFutureAthlete Posts: 192 Member
    I used OKC for a while a couple years ago and had what I consider quite good luck with it overall: not too many jerks, only one semi-stalker (20 years old!), 2 relatively LTRs (6 and 8 months - both really decent guys), and one guy who's now one of my best friends. Not bad for a middle-aged, overweight woman (meaning I'm not some 24 year old hottie that one would expect to get a gazillion messages).

    At first I tried to use the same guidelines as personal contact to reply - IOW a reply, even if it was "no thanks", to everyone who messaged me. That soon became exhausting and I realized a lot of guys either just shot a quick "hey" (or whatever) or did a "cut and paste" of a standard message. I can understand guys doing that, given the level of rejection/ignore most guys get to the bulk of their messages (from what I hear).

    I ended up replying pretty much only to those where it was obvious from their initial message that they had actually read my profile and responded to something in it, i.e. no "hey babe, check me out"s, no cut-and-pasters. Even if it was a "thanks but no thanks", I figured if they took the time, I should at least extend that courtesy. Of course I might also reply to a "hey" or whatever if the guy's profile really appealed to me.

    I confess I was never brave enough to initiate a conversation. I also quickly stopped doing the IM/chat. IME that was definitely guys just looking for a quick hook-up or phone fun.

    I've taken time off from dating while doing the whole get my mind and body back together thing, but plan to go back to OKC once I'm ready.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
    It's normal for women to get the message volume you describe. The younger and prettier you are, the higher your volume is going to be as a woman.

    I can fire off 30 emails to women on dating sites more rapidly than it would take for me to approach 30 women in real life.

    Guys expect that a lot of messages won't get responded to. I don't care whether or not I get an I'm not interested email or not.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Once upon a time I had an account. I didn't respond to messages if I wasn't interested, regardless of the volume of messages I had. I saw a few people complain but I didn't respond to that either. You don't owe anyone a response. You get on a site like that and put yourself out there. Not getting a response is a clear indication of a lack of interest. Plus, you don't get the subsequent reply where they explain themselves. I only responded to those I was interested in and to those who asked relevant questions about my profile or something.

    I didn't keep my account for too long, but by the time I deleted I had that yellow light on my account.
  • McKayMachina
    McKayMachina Posts: 2,670 Member
    I met my bf on OKCupid. Neither of us were into the whole online dating thing. Long story. But, basically, my best friend wanted me to join so he could see how we matched up and I ended up keeping the account for 3 days. Got a LOT of psychos/losers but one guy stuck out to me as pretty effin' rad so I gave him my number and deleted the account. He actually called.

    Here I am, after a 2100-mile move, in the happiest, most authentic relationship of my LIFE.

    Might work. Might not. Just like meeting people IRL.

    But, yeah, don't waste your time being polite. Know what you want, don't waste time, have fun! Good luck!
  • nnylee
    nnylee Posts: 811 Member
    When I had okcupid, I would get a lot of messages daily. At first I tried to respond to all of them, but then I just gave up. I then started to just respond to people I was interested in.
  • jac264
    jac264 Posts: 86 Member
    Thanks for the advice and perspective! I still need to think about it, but I may respond to the guys who took the time to read my profile. Some of them really are great catches, just not my type or too young/too old. There are definitely a few guys that I would go on a date with and I plan on following up. I guess I wanted to give it a week or two to let the idea of it 'sink in' but I'm worried that if I wait too long then the guys are going to think I'm a huge b*tch or something. I'm just not really feeling ready to start going on blind dates and don't like the pressure of having to answer messages right away! I do hope that guys realize that girls can get upwards of 20-30 messages a day and not to take it personally if they don't get a response or the girl waits a while to respond.
  • jac264
    jac264 Posts: 86 Member
    I met my bf on OKCupid. Neither of us were into the whole online dating thing. Long story. But, basically, my best friend wanted me to join so he could see how we matched up and I ended up keeping the account for 3 days. Got a LOT of psychos/losers but one guy stuck out to me as pretty effin' rad so I gave him my number and deleted the account. He actually called.

    Here I am, after a 2100-mile move, in the happiest, most authentic relationship of my LIFE.

    Might work. Might not. Just like meeting people IRL.

    But, yeah, don't waste your time being polite. Know what you want, don't waste time, have fun! Good luck!

    Thanks for the advice and I'm really happy for you! It's so nice to hear that things worked out for you :)
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