Hate for 'strong' girls....?

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emmamcc1981
emmamcc1981 Posts: 133 Member
in Motivation and Support
Gahhhhhhh..... i think i just need to vent really, so sorry if this ends up being a bit of a rambly post.

since i started to lose weight (gone from over 13st down to 8st 2lbs currently) no one really took any notice or bothered to say anything. i was skinny but i still blended in to the crowd, nobody noticed me at all. it's only since i've started to train and tone up and build muscle that i've had compliments from guys and girls and started to turn heads.

.....and get hate from other women who don't know me. i used to be really sporty and fit at school and i was used to the other girls being jealous and spreading wild rumors about me, but i really thought i'd left all this behind in the playground years ago.

this week, a woman bouncer refused me entry into a bar by asking me for ID, which she knew i wouldn't have (i'm 31 - why would i carry any?) even though she knew i wasn't underage as she'd worked in other bars i'd been in and seen me drinking before LOADS of times - not that i'm a lush or anything :D. then she got really nasty with me saying in a really loud voice about how drunk i was (i wasn't) and what a state i was in (i wasn't). obviously the more i protested the worse i looked so i ended up leaving my friend, on her birthday, the one night of the year i get to go out, by myself, no kids, no husband, no worries. another girl told me that bouncer is known for doing this to girls she doesn't like. but it was fine with her before, when i looked like cr*p. anyway i feel like a right moaner going on about it but it's really ticked me off.

and then there's the school gate group. one minute we're all chatty and laughing together about the funny stuff our kids get up to, the next it's frosty glances and whispering and just, well general rudeness and being ignored. but only since i've been training.

there's a few other examples but i don't want to go on and on.

i've never really found it easy to make friends IRL (a throwback from school days), so i don't have many, in fact hardly any at all. and now it's going to be even harder because of the way i look? again? this sucks. and i'm lonely. but people don't see that - they just see a person who *must* be a bi*ch, or a sl*t since she spends time on her appearance (not hair and makeup BTW - just working out) and looks relatively 'OK', and comortable in their own skin. how do i meet people and start up new friendships when people obviously have made up their minds about me before i've even opened my mouth?

ok. so now you can tell me i'm being a whinger and i should just suck it up and get on with it.
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Replies

  • Sl1ghtly
    Sl1ghtly Posts: 855 Member
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    What kind of rumors?
  • honestlysweet
    honestlysweet Posts: 221 Member
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    Sorry, hon, but I don't buy it. People are not hating on you only because of your appearance, or training. I think maybe there is something in your personality that has changed since your training that is turning people off. I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to help.

    Once, years ago, I saw a talk show on TV, it was with that black supermodel, I forgot her name, and the show was about what you are talking about. There were beautiful girls on there saying that people hate them because they are jealous, and Tyra, yeah, that's her name, said that she never had a problem with anyone hating. Sometimes people would turn their heads and be intimidated, but as soon as she started talking to them and being friendly, everyone warmed up to her. I always remembered this for some reason, because I always believed it. People don't mind people who are pretty and toned, they mind arrogant snobs who put on airs.. Maybe you are doing this without knowing it.
  • emmamcc1981
    emmamcc1981 Posts: 133 Member
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    thank you for your honesty. i will try to be mindful of this - however i'm not convinced it's 100% of the problem. i honestly don't look down on anybody, since all of the years i have been looked down on myself. i really DO NOT think i am 'better' than anybody and am polite, curteous (sp?) and friendly to people i don't know well since i am trying to instill these values into my two girls.

    thank you for your post though. it's food for thought at least. :D
  • emmamcc1981
    emmamcc1981 Posts: 133 Member
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    What kind of rumors?

    hehe, wouldn't you like to know :D big fat juicy ones. none of them true though.....
  • wingsandgills
    wingsandgills Posts: 48 Member
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    When you "looked like crap" the company you kept might have been happy with you in your state. You probably seemed totally harmless. No threat posed. And people who looked better than you probably liked you around, because it made them feel better about themselves.

    Now you're stepping way outside the lines. You're not just getting fit and healthy, but you're also building muscle. You're breaking two rules--you're moving up socially because you're now a looker, and you're also enjoying a hobby typically exclusive to men. And men are liking it. So now you're a double threat, because you've seen their bet and upped the ante.

    Do I agree with that crap? No. But you may not have realized before that the people around you did have those social expectations. Now that you're violating them, they're flipping out.

    All I can say is... take it as a compliment. In this case, the bad attention is just good attention in disguise. If they weren't impressed, they wouldn't waste their time getting all huffy about it. But if there is a particular environment that is becoming hostile (like the gym maybe?), please speak up, maybe to an authority figure who can help you out. As for unprofessional behavior from bitter bouncers... you'll just have to learn to let that go from time to time. I'm sure you'll be happier if you learn to blow it off than if you ruminate on it.

    As for the post saying it must be your personality... that's bull! Man, I've been exposed to some seriously mean, nasty people in my life. I never felt the need to spread rumors about them. The one who spreads rumors, gossips maliciously, and generally tries to alienate others, is the one with the personality problem. Hands down. No one "deserves it." We're adults and we're human beings, we have the capacity to treat others with common respect and civility, and we should make use of that.
  • Chelle_Davis
    Chelle_Davis Posts: 241
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    I have seen this from both sides. I can't say for sure what is going on in your scenario because only you know what's going on for sure...

    I do know that a very good friend of mine is witnessing this same issue, but her whole demeanor has changed since she started working out. She doesn't hang out with the people she used to, she doesn't hold things in priority that she used to... And in some ways it's good and in some ways it's not. It's possible that your demeanor has changed... and it's possible that they're just not used to you looking so damn good. Who knows? The point is: do you really care what they think enough to lose your power to them? I wouldn't worry about what they thought... especially if they're not people you're close to.

    As for making new friends, don't go into it with a chip on your shoulder. Just be yourself. Join a club or a group or a workout class. Get to know people with like-minded values and goals. It'll be easier to make new friends when you have so much in common!!! :)
  • staceydeelane
    staceydeelane Posts: 71
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    i had something similer when i lost weight before,my true friends were fine but the gym were i went was a differant story..................... id had two babys in 16 months and was on the heavy side at 11 stone size 14/16 everyone was my friend spoke to me and was really nice and the gym instructor was friendly to me in a platonic way
    i then lost 3 stone and was a size 8 in 4 months out went the baggy trousers and out came the running shorts and tight leggings as i was now proud of myself and could wear tighter things at the same time the men of the gym noticed me, including the gym instructor they all fancied
    next thing the woman were complaining my shorts were too short, im putting other woman to shame, they come to the gym to feel comfortable with themselfs and i make them feel bad. i hadnt changed i was still a mother of 2 babys but now i had confidance had come back and i was wearing things a 20 year old should/can wear but that made me public enemy number 1 all because i was young attractive and confidant haters hate and make exscuses for there behavior, ignor, move on surround yourself with better people xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • emmamcc1981
    emmamcc1981 Posts: 133 Member
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    thank you for your posts, peeps - it may possibly be that because i'm dressing to show my figure, but still in a demure way, instead of always hiding it like before, that that is the problem? maybe i should dress down for occasions like the school run, with my old baggy clothes?

    i'm trying to rise above it but in truth it's hurtful to be treated this way. wish there was a muscle to train for *this* to make me stronger.
  • Microfiber_wechange
    Microfiber_wechange Posts: 640
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    maybe i should dress down for occasions like the school run, with my old baggy clothes?

    No you shouldn't!!
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    two things

    - maybe they think you're going to steal their husbands?

    - most importantly : they aren't your friends so why give a rat turd what they think? haters are going to hate, no need to make their issues your own or try figuring out their issues.

    if you find that you're consistently attracting the same type friends around you, then you should probably look within to figure out why.
  • Genie30
    Genie30 Posts: 316 Member
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    I think the other posters have all made valid points and I can't add to that.

    However, dressing down in old baggy clothes for them sounds like you'd be doing yourself a disservice. I don't for one moment believe you turn up at the school gates in batty riders and a silver crop top so unless you are, don't dull yourself down for someone else. As long as your dressing well for your shape, you'll look good. A nice pair of jeans and a cute sweater is perfectly acceptable and you still get to look good whilst not looking like your going out on a night on the town. If they have a problem with that, smile, say hello politely and they'll get over it in good time.

    You've worked hard for this, don't change yourself for someone else.
  • missjoci
    missjoci Posts: 412 Member
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    It sounds like you need to make friends with other people who are as devoted to being healthy as you are. Nobody should be jealous or hating on you because you are taking care of your body. If they are, I think it's jealousy because they lack the control you have achieved. I know it's rough, I'm sure many people on this site (myself included) have said goodbye to unhealthy friends when turning to a healthier lifestyle. Just try to think positive, and positive things will come your way. Maybe try making workout buddies with people from work or that you know through various other activities in your life.

    Best of luck. Feel free to add me if you want some extra support. :flowerforyou:
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    Sorry, hon, but I don't buy it. People are not hating on you only because of your appearance, or training. I think maybe there is something in your personality that has changed since your training that is turning people off. I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to help.

    Once, years ago, I saw a talk show on TV, it was with that black supermodel, I forgot her name, and the show was about what you are talking about. There were beautiful girls on there saying that people hate them because they are jealous, and Tyra, yeah, that's her name, said that she never had a problem with anyone hating. Sometimes people would turn their heads and be intimidated, but as soon as she started talking to them and being friendly, everyone warmed up to her. I always remembered this for some reason, because I always believed it. People don't mind people who are pretty and toned, they mind arrogant snobs who put on airs.. Maybe you are doing this without knowing it.

    I disagree. This may not necessarily be true. My mum who used to be relatively okay to live with and now I've lost a bit of weight she has started being worse and outright told me that she is jealous. And then there was the "friend" who told me we couldn't be friends anymore cos she can't have any friends prettier than her. You never know there side of the story.
  • ihateroses
    ihateroses Posts: 893 Member
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    None of your examples prove that they are jealous or dislike you because of the way you look.
  • LillyMosley
    LillyMosley Posts: 166
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    You've worked hard for this, don't change yourself for someone else.
    [/quote]

    I so agree with this. You probably are holding your head a bit higher and your back a bit straighter, so what? You have worked hard and should be proud. If people are so small they can't understand and applaud you, then they are not worth knowing.
  • PhatAv8r
    PhatAv8r Posts: 153 Member
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    Sorry, hon, but I don't buy it. People are not hating on you only because of your appearance, or training. I think maybe there is something in your personality that has changed since your training that is turning people off. I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to help.

    Once, years ago, I saw a talk show on TV, it was with that black supermodel, I forgot her name, and the show was about what you are talking about. There were beautiful girls on there saying that people hate them because they are jealous, and Tyra, yeah, that's her name, said that she never had a problem with anyone hating. Sometimes people would turn their heads and be intimidated, but as soon as she started talking to them and being friendly, everyone warmed up to her. I always remembered this for some reason, because I always believed it. People don't mind people who are pretty and toned, they mind arrogant snobs who put on airs.. Maybe you are doing this without knowing it.

    I hate to agree here... but I read your whole post, and I am not some jealous woman... you don't come across well, your venting is based on the belief that everyone should notice.

    People are self-absorbed, they just don't notice subtle changes until it's like a lightbulb going on and/or you are literally a 'new' person to them.... the bouncer, probably looked and thought you were younger (I know I look 40 when I'm 51 just losing 40 pounds)... the ladies at the school yard... probably worried their old man is hanging with you at the bars because they are fat and slobby...

    No, you need to suck this up, this is the way the world rolls. And guess what??? having a BODY that looks good, and not giving a crap about the rest of the package is a travesty... ART is ART, do you really think the Mona Lisa would be popular with a moustache painted on it? Does an Austin Martin in OD green, or with cloth seats look good?

    Sorry, what those ladies are really saying is... "dang that girls got game... if only she would wash her hair, curl it, cut it, and use a tiny bit of make-up, SHE WOULD BE GORGEOUS!!!"

    I am betting if you were to be a little more concerned about the WHOLE package, you'd see a different response from them.

    Oh, and about attitude... I follow a guy on his blog, he lost over 200 pounds... he was/is a weight loss hero... but you know what? it went to his head... he said the heck with everyone else, he started bad mouthing WW because they wanted him to be a spokesman (cuz he had started out with them), he bad mouthed Sparkpeople, his moniker bad mouths Subway and Jared... and why??? because he did it for himself, on his own, without any gimmicks or promotion, and so he got all puffed up, figured his ability to blog and the notoriety it brought made him a celebrity... and in some ways he was.... but, he also is an *kitten*.. if you read his tweets, he is constantly putting someone else or something down, and now figures his weight loss entitles him to an opinion on everything... So, you see, it might still be YOU that is at least 50% of the problem

    Sorry kiddo, you don't have any before/after pics so we can't compare, but I am sure you look good if your close to 112.
  • roodledoodle
    roodledoodle Posts: 183
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    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear about what's been going on, I think you should ignore what everyone else thinks and get on with what is making you happy and if working out and being able to wear clothes that you look good in is making you happy then don't change it. You'll always get 'haters' and 9 times out of 10 it's because you're making other people look at themselves and dislike what they are seeing if they're unhappy with their appearance and aren't prepared to do anything about it.

    As for friends, your TRUE friends will be happy for your new found confidence and health, anybody that's not supportive are not true friends. I haven't many friends but the ones I have are true friends - I don't care how many friends I have because I'd rather have a couple of good friends than a load of so called 'friends' who actually bring you down.

    Maybe start chatting with a few other girls at the gym and strike up friendships with like minded people - at least you already have one thing in common with them. A few years ago I became good friends with a girl I met at the gym and we arranged to go running once a week because we both enjoyed running outside and from there a friendship was built. Other girls at the gym will probably understand what you're experiencing too.

    Just ignore the haters and stick with your true friends.
  • caramammal
    caramammal Posts: 147 Member
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    there's some really good advise here, and just wanted to say...

    Trying to guess what other people think of you, and work out why their attitute has changed is impossible. Even if you ask them outright they will rarely admit to any negative thoughts. People (strangers) feelings and actions can be complex..don't even go there unless you want to heal a friendship/relationship that you want to keep.

    If I were you, i would approach the people at the school gate and smile widely and ask them how they are, rather than feel intimidated about whether they are thinking negative stuff. 9 times out of 10, people will respond positively to a friendly smiley person.
  • Evelyn_Gorfram
    Evelyn_Gorfram Posts: 706 Member
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    i honestly don't look down on anybody, since all of the years i have been looked down on myself. i really DO NOT think i am 'better' than anybody and am polite, curteous (sp?) and friendly to people i don't know well since i am trying to instill these values into my two girls.
    Just another perspective that may or may not apply.

    (And none of this is about me having a stunningly fit, toned body; since I've been substantially overweight since about the time that God talked to Moses)

    I've gone through most of my life figuring that people mostly have no reason to want to be friends with me, and generally trying to not be a bother and to stay out of everyone else's way as much as possible. (self-image issues much? ...heck yeah :ohwell: )

    But one day someone who managed to defy the self-fulfilling prophecy of "nobody would want to be friends with *me* " said, "Hunh - you're not really all stuck-up like everyone says."

    I was dumbfounded. What? Me? Stuck-up??? When, in terms of social currency, they were generally well-enough heeled and I was pretty well penniless?

    But I figured out that treating people like *they* wouldn't want to be friends with *me* could, from their perspective, look a lot like how I might act if *I* didn't want to be friends with *them.*

    So now, I try to give people a chance to reject me before assuming that they already have. I don't always manage it, but I usually don't get rejected when I do. (And when I do sometimes get rejected, what have I really lost?)

    This may or may not apply to your situtation - it's just MHE. :smile:
  • Delicate
    Delicate Posts: 625 Member
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    Parts of your personality has probably changed, i know mine did, i was less likely to take rubbish people threw at me cause i grew the confidence to say no, and not be walked over. That would have something to do to it, if you were the 'ugly one' in the group, or the 'fat one' in the group. The comments you used to get back then, were to make them feel better (to make them feel like they were nice), but now its just turned to *****yness?

    Some friends arent real friends, some friends are, people stay in groups for different reasons.

    Most my friends now, are from the gym i go to, were we all have the same goals, to be healthy, who do something about their wobbly bits rather than sit down, do nothing and complain. The do nothinger's are usually the ones who cause the most viral comments.

    Keep training, be friendly keep smiling, and everything will be better.

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