Buying a Diet Book - haha

I just came across this write up on buying 'diet books' and thought it was hilarious and I would share it with you all. Enjoy!


Presenting the typical first day of a new diet…

7 am on Day 1 of my new, last diet I’ll ever need! Wait! Where is my 326 page diet book I feel asleep while reading last night? There it is – under the bed! Okay, let me check to make sure I have everything I need. I bought a food scale to weigh my food; a journal to track my results; a 64 ounce water bottle to make sure I’m drinking enough, a calculator to figure out calories, carbs, and fat grams; a separate recipe book that is the companion to the diet book; ordered the special vitamins I’m supposed to take while on the diet; and I took the week one food list in the book to the store last night and bought everything on it (I had to buy 2 pounds of Swiss Chard and I hate Swiss Chard! How am I going to force myself to eat it?).

10 am. I’m starving. I’m still reading the introduction to the diet (wish I wouldn’t have fallen asleep before finishing it last night and maybe I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t so boring) so I haven’t had breakfast yet. I still have 50 pages to read before I actually get to the food part.

11:30 am. I’m finally ready to make my breakfast! It’s a smoothie. That should be pretty easy except I have to find my blender and wash and cut up my fruit. It’s okay. I can do this. Crap! I’m out of ice cubes and I need a cup of them for my smoothie. Oh well. I’ll just use water instead.

12:00 pm. My watery smoothie is gone. I’m still hungry. But, hey, it’s lunchtime!

1:00 pm. Who knew it could take so long to cut up vegetables and make salad dressing for a salad?

2:00 pm. I ate my salad and have the kitchen cleaned up. It’s a good thing I started this diet on a weekend. All I’ve done so far is make food. Oh crap! I forgot to write everything I ate in my journal.

2:30 pm. Consulted my checklist for the day. Does a salad count as 1 or 2 servings of vegetables? Let me see if my 326 page diet book tells me that.

3:30 pm. The salad was 2 servings of vegetables. Next item on my checklist: drink 8 glasses of water. Oh crap! I forgot to start drinking water.

4:00 pm. My stomach hurts. I shouldn’t have drank those 3 glasses of water so fast. I’m hungry too. My snack is 20 almonds. Maybe if I eat them really slow…….

4:02 pm. The almonds are gone. I think I’ll start dinner.

6:00 pm. I found all the dinner recipes in my diet cookbook and have my dinner ready! It looks okay except for the darn Swiss Chard I don’t like.

6:05 pm. Dinner stunk. Maybe I can eat my evening snack early. Oh goody. I get to have 6 stinking crackers and 1 ounce of cheese. Do I look like a mouse?

6:15 pm. I ate all my food for the day but I still have lots of water to drink. And I forgot to take my special vitamin this morning. I’ll take that now. Maybe it will fill me up.

6:30 pm. I want food! No, I’m going to do this. I’ll keep myself busy by trying to figure out how that food calculator I bought works.

7:00 pm. Did you know that a 3.52 ounce Toblerone chocolate bar has 510 calories, 30 grams of fat, and 60 grams of carbs? I’m going to check the bar I hid from myself (yes I remember where it is) to see if the calculator is correct.

7:10 pm. It is. Now I’m figuring out how many calories, fat, and carbs in 1 piece of it because I was really hungry and figured 1 piece would be okay.

7:15 pm. Just one more piece of the bar won’t hurt, right?

7:30 pm. Hey! I just realized I missed my mid-morning snack because I was so busy making breakfast and lunch.

7:35 pm. A small container of light yogurt! That’s all I got for my mid-morning snack? I’m eating it.

7:36 pm. My yogurt is gone. Now what should I do. I guess I could read some more of my diet book. I’m supposed to read another 40 pages before I start day 2 of my diet.

8:00 pm. Did you know that if you rip the pages of a diet book out one by one they work great to start a fire in the fireplace so that you can roast some marshmallows for s’mores?