Currently at my high

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lizulla
lizulla Posts: 7 Member
in Introduce Yourself
So, I weighed in yesterday after having avoided the scale for some time, knowing I was near my record high, which had been 25 about 10 years ago. Well, now it is 255 so that's my new record. I've had a very frustrating battle with weight loss. I like to be active but I am in a PhD program and have to get my dissertation done so my work is all consuming. I have constant deadlines and so in order to get my work done I shut out all other personal needs, taking care of my work and family only. I know that it isn't healthy and I tell myself it is only temporary but I have to find a way to make it work even through the temporary because I know that this is dangerous and making me sick. I've dieted AKA "changed my diet" dozens of times over the years, busted my butt at the gym, and read everything I can about losing weight. As I get older, 34 now, I am starting to feel a sinking cloud of doom that things will never change and I will never have the body I feel like I could have. The problem is that I start out with great enthusiasm, go into working out and dieting full force and then I tend to hurt myself. My body seizes up and says you WILL nap now and I can't move so I will comply. Then I get depressed. I will keep trying until I force myself to realize that this isn't working. Other times I have done well at watching my workout, using a heart rate monitor, etc. etc. I last typically three weeks but have lasted several months, losing an average of 20 lbs each time. Once I lost 20 lbs in a month and oh how I wish I could do that again but my body has never again complied with that demand. Tracking my food really helps a lot. I know this. Again, I'm good at sticking with it for about three weeks before I start to feel too overwhelmed with other demands (writing papers, teaching, preparing and going to conferences, etc,). What I would really like to find here is an online community that I can struggle with. I'd like to find a few people to add as friends as we go through this journey together to get past the 3 week hump, the 2 month hump, and hopefully the 12 month hump. I'm hoping to find people in a similar boat to where I am right now but who, with a little encouragement will stick with it. I respect the accomplishments of those who have arrived but I am jealous of your progress so unfortunately your encouragement rings a little more mockingly in my head. I know it's me. It's just hard to get out of this head space. I've been invisible for so long. The other day I went to get coffee and I politely waited in line behind a man with a little girl. In the mean time one and then two guys shoved in front of me like I was invisible to get their coffee and make it just the way they would like it. I wanted to kick them but I don't want to reduce myself to the lowest common social denominator. Still, I did shoot them the evil eye in my mind. Thanks for listening. I hope to hear from some of you soon.

-Lizulla

Replies

  • clschill
    clschill Posts: 7 Member
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    I've never actually responded to a post on this site before but I'm so good to hear that I'm not alone. I have been on a member on this site since August but fell off the wagon during the holidays. Actually I kind of jumped! Well I'm back on now and hoping to make another go of it. I too am at my all time high of 211. I was down to 168 about two years ago but that was after a major health scare and subsequent surgery. I've just gained and gained since then. My doctor told me a year ago to lose 30 pounds - I gained 30 pounds. Not exactly what he was looking for. I want to lose a total of 60 pounds but I'm starting with 20 and trying not to think past that. I'm going to be putting sticky notes up around my house with affirmations. Some people put up pictures of themselves, but that just makes me depressed. so I'm going to the positive route. I've also joined Curves and will workout 3 times per week - I can't fit much more in with a fulltime job, a husband and four kids. It's 45 minutes door to door and I've gotten my boss to let me leave work 1/2 hour early two days a week. I know exactly what you mean about those that have accomplished their goal or are well on their way, it makes me sad thinking about what I haven't accomplished. What types of things are you doing? How do you think we can help each other?
  • lizulla
    lizulla Posts: 7 Member
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    Hi clschill,

    Thanks for your message. I think it's helpful to just have some supportive friends that aren't in your immediate friend circle. My in person friends and, in particular, my partner are very supportive and love me to a fault. As in, they accept me in all of my grossness and can be enabling. My partner is the worst about bringing me bags of candy, cake, etc when I'm feeling sad, which is sweet (literally) but so not helpful. It's really helpful to me to have some level of accountability from people who care but who will take notice when I do or don't reach my goals. What helps you to keep going?

    -Lizulla
  • clschill
    clschill Posts: 7 Member
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    I don't know yet...i'm only on my first day, again! :-) And I just ate a cookie! ugh! I need to get some will power. It's especially hard at work and my husband and kids are enablers too. I just realized, this very minute, that I have to tell them not to offer food to me anymore...give me a nice note or card or flower or drawing - something that I can't consume! :-) Even fruit or a granola bar or 100 calorie pack if they feel they want to give me something. I'm going to have to be more vocal. I was thinking about the affirmations that I'm going to post around my cube and at home. I was worried that people would say something or think I was being strange - but I shouldn't care. I need to do what I need to do, right?

    Carrie
  • gothvenus
    gothvenus Posts: 3
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    It's hard when you realize you are at your high and you're helpless against your own body. I was at my high in August, around 235. I had been a stay at home mom and that's another challenge when you are trying to eat well. The constant access to food is just too much for me. I eat when I am bored and even though life was not dull with my two active kids, I still managed to eat constantly.

    When I went back to work (briefly) at the beginning of August I decided to carve out time for exercise and that was what sparked me initially. I needed to fit back into some of my professional clothes and not look like a stuffed sausage. So every day I put on Netflix and fought my way through at least half of an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I wasn't snacking as much and I was eating better in general. Lost some initial weight between Sept. and Nov., about 10 lbs. or so.

    Fell of the wagon, so to speak and just got back on the exercise train with a membership to the YMCA near my house. They have free child care for up to 2 hours daily while you are working out. So far, I have gone every Monday through Friday for the last 3 1/2 weeks. It was hard and I still have days that I want to scream, but I force my way through a full episode now either on the elliptical or on a combo of elliptical and treadmill. I also alternate upper and lower body on the weight machines.

    What I can say is this...take it day by day, hour by hour if you need to. If you slip, get back up. If you eat a little more than you should, no big deal. Self-loathing because you ate a cookie (or 6!) is not going to help you. Start with a little goal, mine was to weigh less than 200 lbs. and work on that. Then set something else. You are not alone, we are all here with you, in the same boat and fighting to do well for ourselves. You can do this. It doesn't matter how long it takes and how many times you "fail", it just matters if you get back up and start again.

    Hope that helps! =)
  • lizulla
    lizulla Posts: 7 Member
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    Hi gothvenus,

    Thanks for the reply. I know I have some hope otherwise I wouldn't be trying again with MFP. That said, my legs are killing me from going for a jog on Monday. I have discovered that I CAN run longer distances if I wear a heart rate monitor and keep my heart rate below 170. I'd prefer it in the 150-160 range but nothing gets my heart rate up like jogging. Anyway, I have to go so slow that I might as well be walking but it's a different kind of movement that really makes an effect. Plus, I used to really want to be able to run a marathon. I don't have that dream right now but I remember having that dream and I have some accountability to a younger me to give it a go. I think if I am able to lose some weight that dream will return. I really want to run the Disney Marathon that is in January every year. I guess I would still like to be able to do it just seems so far off from possible right now. What exercise do you love to do? What music do you listen to (if you do) while you work out? My all time favorite running song is Big Love by Fleetwood Mac from The Dance album. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZZp76M4NGc It has such awesome pace that I just charge through the guitar solo. It's the only time I can run at 6.5 on the treadmill (for 30 seconds) :).

    Lizulla
  • lizulla
    lizulla Posts: 7 Member
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    Hey Carrie,

    The enabling is the worst because they do it out of love. "I want you to be happy so I made you a german chocolate cake. Now, eat it, it's yours." F^ck. :( How do you turn down someone's expression of love? I think that we need to be specific about what we would really like to get when we are having a tough time or if they would like to tell us that they love us. Like, could you draw me a pretty picture of what you did today? Or write me a poem about something special to you. Or even, write me a poem about the cake you wanted to give me. :P Ha. If my enablers were being mean about it I think I would have an easier time identifying that and turning it away. I grew up with the notion that you never turn down someone's food because it is what they have to offer you (it may be all they have to offer you) to tell you that they care about you.

    Lizulla works but my name is Jennifer if you prefer. :)

    Take care.
  • clschill
    clschill Posts: 7 Member
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    Thanks for the encouragement gothvenus! I'm going to embrace the hour by hour method. :-) I need to get my self-loathing under control...I think it makes me eat less healthy and much more than I should. It's a total mind game for me and I want to take control!

    I did a Curves workout last night and am going to do another one tonight! I've been going three times a week for about 6 weeks. Although I haven't lost weight yet I'm very excited that I'm losing inches - 2.25 so far. I am only weighing myself once a week so that I don't dwell on it too much! I have to learn to gage myself on more than just the scale. How do my clothes fit? Are my muscles more toned? Do I have more energy?

    My husband and my kids said that I have been happier, more joyful, less stressed and more focused. I attribute that all to the exercise. I'm going to keep it up and continue to look for more positives.
  • deidrej66
    deidrej66 Posts: 3
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    This is my first time using this site and I like it very much. I am also at my all time high (185 lbs) and have never had much luck with "community" base" weight loss but a friend told me about this site and I decided to give it a try. I have been on this site for about a week and was doing very well but did have a couple of bad days that I am trying to recover from. Would appreciate support from anyone willing to offer, especially those 40 and over. I am 46.
  • clschill
    clschill Posts: 7 Member
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    Jennifer - I grew up the same way. Be polite, take it, say Thank you! I keep taking stuff and saying "I'll eat half now and half later". Yeah right! Who am I kidding? I'll eat half of it right now and then 5 minutes later eat the other half. I also have a hard time wasting food. The notion that I can and should leave food on my plate is so foreign to me. How often have we heard "eat everything on your plate"? They even write "clean plate club" on my daughter's report from daycare. How do we get passed that?
  • clschill
    clschill Posts: 7 Member
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    Deidre - you've taken the first step...welcome! I'm not quite 40 yet, but I'm here to support you. YOU CAN DO IT! I liked what gothvenus had to say about not kicking yourself when you slip up. Get back up and move forward.

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