Offloading my emotional state - husband problems

urbanmyth
urbanmyth Posts: 26 Member
in Motivation and Support
Sometimes it feels better to write it down, particularly as I couldn't tell anyone in my life about how I feel. I've been married for seven months and my husband (who I have known for four years) generally sits on the fence about healthy habits. I eat well and watch my macros, do some form of exercise most days and am conscious about the way I look. He on the other hand, does not, he eats like a human dustbin and rarely exercises. He's not overweight but he's hardly living a healthy lifestyle either.

Yesterday I was doing squats with heavy in our living room and mid-squat, he threw a tennis ball at my back. The shock of something hitting my back made me lose my form and almost made me drop the weights on my feet. I obviously flipped out and his apology which he shouted at me:"I'm sorry!," didn't sound genuine at all. How horrible of him!

I don't expect him to join me in my journey towards a healthier and longer life, and I certainly don't put any pressure on him about his own lifestyle, but I'm also struggling to understand how I married someone who has such little respect for me. Last night's ball incident really hit a nerve and it's making me wonder why he could have behaved like that. We obviously have issues in our marriage as he's not willing to compromise in the slightest. But then neither am I. I'm not going to give up things I enjoy - like fitness - just so that I can avoid conflict with my husband.

Does anyone else find their husband is unsupportive of their goals?

I'm sorry for the long rant. I just feel hurt and upset by what happened yesterday.

Replies

  • mamato3babies
    mamato3babies Posts: 73 Member
    I feel ya! My husband thinks I am losing and trying to better myself to find someone else! And now he is mad because one of my frinds on here sent me a message that asked if everything was okay and did a need a kick in the butt or a hug! (because I was below my calories, but the food wasn't all that great that I did eat!) I am so ready to just scream or cry in aggravation! "okay, my rant is done too... Lol" :-)
  • bjfrezell
    bjfrezell Posts: 241
    I can't say that my husband is unsupportive since he was diagnosed with diabetes recently so he HAD to lose weight. But I can tell you that the tennis ball incident is not okay. And his apology by shouting at you is not okay either. This may have nothing to do with your fitness, instead it may be something more, especially if this is similar to ways he's treated you at other times. While marriage is important, it is more important to take care of yourself and be treated with respect. It's one thing for your partner to feel threatened by your success at weight loss, it's another thing to have that partner treat you disrespectfully. Have you thought of speaking to a counselor or a minister about how you feel and how he makes you feel? Just a thought.

    Hang in there.
  • dlwyatt82
    dlwyatt82 Posts: 1,077 Member
    Is he trying to permanently injure you? Make sure he realizes what a dangerous moron he was at that moment. Regardless of whether he's supportive overall, you do NOT screw around with someone who's in the middle of lifting heavy weights.
  • ubermagee
    ubermagee Posts: 57
    That's definitely not okay to behave like that! Let me start by saying I'm 21 - the longest relationship I've been in was 3 years as a teen, and I have no plans to get married any time soon. So even though I've no idea about what it takes to be in a marriage, I can tell you something that transcends not only marriages, but other relationships too - any relationships!

    People will act up to get a reaction out of you - for attention. I'm not condoning what he did in ANY WAY - it was a stupid, immature thing to do - but just sounds like he's acting up because he's seeking attention. Keep up what you're doing - you're doing so well to be working out so consistently. Always here for you if you'd like a chat.
  • MikeSEA
    MikeSEA Posts: 1,074 Member
    Sounds like he was just being a momentary idiot (I hope). No one who lifts heavy, cares about their form, and knows what can happen when your form sucks would throw a tennis ball at someone's back mid squat. I'm guessing his response was based on the shock that his attempt at 'playing' failed horribly.

    EDIT: if he can't understand that what he did was dangerous without getting defensive, then he has a lot of growing up to do. Best of luck with that.
  • DANCHAN1
    DANCHAN1 Posts: 113 Member
    No disrespect to men but sometimes the maturity level needs to be questioned. That is something a guy would do to another guy. Why you ask? Because they are guys and behave that way once in a while. I do not know the severity or if this happens all the time but to me sounds like a little boy who isn't getting the attention he wants so he does something stupid.
  • weathergirl320
    weathergirl320 Posts: 331
    didnt you know he was like this before you got married? not trying to be cold but you knew him for 4 years so why did you marry him if he acted this way? just put your foot down and tell him that behavior is unacceptable. tell him you will not live the next 50 years being treated that way. end of story. if you stand your ground he has no choice but to control his behavior. i have been in a relationship for 9 years and happily married for 5. and its hard sometimes, but trust me, the more you stand your ground and the more direct you are with your feelings, the better things will get. because men are not good with picking up subtlties and guessing. they need direct commands and direct requests. and as a wife, it is better to tell him directly what he is doing and why it bothers you. to take out all the guesswork. dont say things like "that was mean" and storm out. tell him directly "you saying that was very disrespectful and i dont appreciate that type of talk. you make me feel like i am not your partner when you speak to me that way" things like that. be direct and dont be afraid to ask for what you want. good luck
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
    I feel ya! My husband thinks I am losing and trying to better myself to find someone else!

    My husband was the same way. We have been married for 7 years and I spent all 7 at 250+ bow I'm down around 200 and he thinks I want to leave him. It has caused many problems in my life I even put weight back on to help with his ego but I was unhappy at that point so i a doing this for me (hopefully to benifit our relationship) but marriage is hard work I'm not gonna lie about that.
  • qtiekiki
    qtiekiki Posts: 1,490 Member
    Did you confront him about what happened? My husband is supportive of my fitness goal, but he teases me while I am exercising that I sometimes feel annoying. That's just his personality though because he likes to play around. If I were you, I would talk to him, let him know how dangerous that was and find out why he did it.
  • TiffanyW1014
    TiffanyW1014 Posts: 599 Member
    Agree 100%. I was thinking the same thing as I read her story!
  • urbanmyth
    urbanmyth Posts: 26 Member
    Thanks so much for your comments, all. It's great to have a supportive community here, particularly those that understand the nature of the ball incident. It wouldn't have been so extreme if I wasn't holding weights at the time!

    My husband is stressed out at the moment and we hardly see each other because he's working crazy hours in a new job, but that still isn't an excuse to pull a stunt like that. His new job has turned him into a different person, IMHO.

    Last night he wanted to just watch tv but I asked him to play with the dogs so that I could do a few weights for 20 minutes - they kept trying to jump up at me so I needed him to distract them. I guess that irritated him, hence the angry ball throw. I understand he wants time to relax and unwind, but you know, I work too and have an equally stressful job while also finding the time to cook/clean/walk the dogs/do the shopping/manage our finances, etc. I don't feel bad about asking for some help once in a while, regardless of how tired he is. Isn't marriage about give and take, after all? From now on, I will ensure I have my "me" time when he's not at home - that way I can't irritate him for being so selfish as to ask him to take his eyes off the tv for 20 minutes.

    I guess there's a lot you don't know about a person - the first year was fun, the second was a nightmare and we almost broke up a couple of times, but when we fixed it, it was like walking on air, which is why we got engaged in the third year. We spent a year planning our wedding, and we were distracted by that so we didn't notice (or, if I'm honest, we ignored) the cracks surfacing.

    Prior to the wedding I wanted to shift some pounds, and that's what led me on my fitness journey. It continued beyond the wedding and it is very much a lifestyle to me now. People change and I suppose he could say that I did, but I also didn't sign up to being a couch potato for the next 50 years. I guess I never realised how little we have in common when the romancing was done and we got down to the practicalities of day-to-day life.

    It has of course occurred to me that I need to have a frank and honest conversation with him. I just don't want to bring it up with him right now as I know he'll overreact. We're going on holiday next week and I don't want that to start off badly. I suppose that's why I'm venting here. Thank you for lending me your shoulders.

    Conversely, despite him sniping at my exercise, it really is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment. Exercise - and for me, lifting weights - is not just about how you look on the outside, it is how you feel on the inside :happy:
  • urbanmyth
    urbanmyth Posts: 26 Member
    Wow - sorry for writing an essay!
  • phast1
    phast1 Posts: 12 Member
    Just keep working out till youre bad enough to kick his *kitten*!! Then yell SORRY!
  • urbanmyth
    urbanmyth Posts: 26 Member
    Just keep working out till youre bad enough to kick his *kitten*!! Then yell SORRY!

    Love it! Thanks :laugh:
  • Chelle_Davis
    Chelle_Davis Posts: 241
    Just keep working out till youre bad enough to kick his *kitten*!! Then yell SORRY!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *snort!*

    That was greatness.
  • tig_ol_bitties
    tig_ol_bitties Posts: 561 Member
    Sounds like he was just teasing with you and didn't realize it would be such a distraction...maybe instead of freaking out at him for it, you should sit down with HIM and tell him how you feel...communication. There ya go.
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
    It is definitely time for a talk with the hubby - and I recommend couples therapy. It sounds like you guys don't know how to communicate with each other -- it is a learned skill, that most people don't learn. Having a mediator/counselor will help keep him from getting defensive and keep you both focused on the problem and not just the symptoms.

    My fiance is super supportive of my choice to get into better shape and it is easier with that support.

    Good luck.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    You know, the first year of marriage was the worst. It was horrible. All of a sudden though, we got used to life together and marriage. It took a while to adjust to us and ours instead of me and mine. It probably would help talking to him instead of us though.
  • JenniLisette
    JenniLisette Posts: 132
    i have a husband...:grumble: lol ...

    he is very playful and gets like that with me, makes fun of my exercise, tells me i'm doing it wrong, and tries to feed me bad food... but i think underneath he supports my goals becuase everyday wen he gets home he ask me wen i'm going to the gym and if i need anything to help my fitness goals ( such as weights, mat, shoes, vitamins, healthier food) ... ANNNNNDDDDDDDD wen he gets to *kitten* like and starts crap i put my foot down in shallowist way...i cry! :sad: just like wen i wanted to join the gym and he said it's too pricey i cried....babyish i kno, but i got the full package membership and use every bit of it and he never complained again.... btw, been marryd for 10 years and sometimes i cant believe i marryd who i did but then he does lil things that remind me why i did... :love:
    Best of luck!!
  • jewol
    jewol Posts: 74 Member
    It may be that his self-image is poor and, perhaps, he is trying, subconsciously, to undermine you to make himself feel better. But, hey, that's just an off-the-cuff guess. Just a possibility to consider.
  • lakersfan4life
    lakersfan4life Posts: 322 Member
    Sounds like he was just teasing with you and didn't realize it would be such a distraction...maybe instead of freaking out at him for it, you should sit down with HIM and tell him how you feel...communication. There ya go.

    this.

    im sure he didnt mean anything by it. and when you freaked on him, he got defensive and yelled back.

    i understand why you got upset as it is dangerous to mess with someone while lifting. but no need to yell
  • grumpy2day
    grumpy2day Posts: 198 Member
    My guy will inquire about what I'm doing/did in the way of exercise most days. Occasionally he gets suspicious that I'm starving myself (so very not starving lol). He'll go for beach walks with me too, but boy will he get pissy if he thinks I'm trying to get him to eat something low-fat/healthy "diet food".:grumble:
  • brandiranae
    brandiranae Posts: 2
    Here's how I see it, your husband doesn't feel good about himself so he's taking your success and motivation outon you by putting or down and/or obviously hitting you with a tennis ball. There is a major issue he needs to work on. If he wants to and is willing to change and you are willing to stand by him then great! By all means everyone should better themselves. However, if he is unwilling to change and refuses to support you in your endeavors by letting his own insecurities and jealousies get in the way, then you are better off without him. Hope things get better for you and you continue with your fitness goals.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
    Sounds as if he's feeling ignored.

    He's working long hours and when he's home, he probably wants your companionship.

    Also sounds as if he's a bit of a prick...
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    I don't have a lot to add, but I wanted to say that I like the way you think and write. This was a very mature and refreshing take on most of the rants we see on here about significant others.

    I had something happen this week with mine, a moment that he did something dumb, I didn't respond well, and it escalated into ugly. It took a day for the emotion to wind down, then I told him that there are some things that I'm not willing to compromise on. You need to tell him that this one thing is yours, and you need him to be ok with it. If he doesn't want to do it with you, fine, but he needs to know that THIS thing is yours, and you need him to get on board with supporting YOU.

    Good luck babe, and kudos again on the great grey matter!
  • des24rob
    des24rob Posts: 77 Member
    How you feel is completely justified. I'm single so I'm not going to give some "he's a jerk" rant and blah blah blah because I think marriage is a sacred and wonderful thing. But I do think it is important that you open the lines of communication with him fully & are able to talk about how his actions/way he disreguards what is important to you affects your relationship adversely. <3
  • Mrshonopolist05
    Mrshonopolist05 Posts: 9 Member
    The only thing that came to mind about him throwing something at you while you doing something important is his immaturity. Men (boys) often don't think before they do stupid things. Maybe he was bored or jealous that you were spending time trying to better yourself and he wanted attention. You should have a serious talk about why you are dieting/exercising and let him know how important it is to you to get healthy and live a healthy lifestyle.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
    Men (boys) often don't think before they do stupid things
    That's very true, but those boys who do eventually become real men are prepared to take responsibility for their actions and start behaving like adults.

    Some boys become men surprisingly early in life, others don't ever achieve that status.

    I hope for the OP's sake that her petulant little boy mans up real soon...

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