Diary of a Compulsive Overeater

ellelit · April 2008

Hello, this is an outlet for me to figure out why i emotionally and compulsively overeat. i am going to post daily and hope that outlining my struggles and hearing comments from you all will help get through this aspect of my life.

i've been heavy all of my life. i know, cliche, but some of my ealiest memories were sneaking downstairs when i was little and eating whole bags of cookies, bags of chips, full packs of luncheon meat and even a 5 pound bag oranges.

i look back at my life and try to dig up memories of youth and childhood, and all of them involve food. every single one of them. there is the time i baked and frosted a 2 tier chocolate cake when my mom was at work and ate the whole thing before she got home. had to get rid of the evidence. there's the time i breaded and deep- fried a pack of 12 chicken thighs and ate all of them. i used to lie to my mom constantly about how much food we actually were going through. she'd open the freezer with a quizzical look on her face, wondering where all the food she bought was.

look in october of 2007, my dad passed away from stomach cancer. he was not a heavy man, but he was an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and we had been estranged for about 12 years.

after his death it made me reevaluate my life, and my role in the world and the role my emotions play in my relationship with food.

i read a book in november called "why can't i stop eating". it makes you evaluate your trigger foods and why you eat them. the plan does not allow you to eat your trigger foods anymore. ever. my trigger foods were pizza, sugar, chocolate, fried food, fast food, large portions and steak. now, imagine never eating any of these again. seems impossible, right? well, it is. it's like asking someone who has been a crack addict for 29 years to stop cold turkey, but to wave the crack around them constantly, have crack commercials on TV every 10 minutes and to have crack stores where you do your weekely shopping, only you can buy anything but the crack.

well, this plan seemed to work well for about 5 months. i would dream about food. i would fantasize about the taste of the fatty, luscious treats dancing across my tongue, but i abstained. i abstained at thanksgiving. i abstained at christmas!, i abstained at new years, etc, until finally in the middle of february i fell off the wagon. and i fell hard.

i had a 16 ounce steak, about 3 cups of rice, mushroom soup gravy and a whole thing of brownies. so obviously this was not sustainable for the long term. i thought i could just hop back on the wagon.

i went from 307 down to 268, and am currently about 276-277. over the last 2 months i have gained back almost 10 pounds, and can not seem to stop eating. i have good days and bad days, but the bad days are reaaaaaaaly bad. for instance, on sunday i had 2 large pizza subs, a bag og chips, a large diet pepsi, and 2 meals from DQ. all in the span of about 3 hours. oh my god did i puke. and afterwards i thought, " well i'm never doing that again! i feel awful!" and guess what? i did it again yesterday, only this time it was a big steak dinner and a big bacon classic from wendy's, both for supper.

so what the hell is wrong with me? i have no idea. but hopefully by writing my thoughts and feelings down here on a daily basis and whenever i feel the need to binge, it will help me to identify why i do it, and how i can go about stopping.

here is my meal plan for today. hopfully i will follow it and not order pizza when i get home.

breakfast:
1c. oatmeal
1 banana

snack:
small yogurt cup
mini carrots
24 almonds

lunch:
roast beef sandwich
tossed salad with 1 avacado
1 apple

snack:
celery sticks
orange

supper:
pasta with sauage and peppers and tomato sauce

snack:
1 cup of skim milk

thanks, and i'll keep you posted.

ellelit · April 2008

Hello, this is an outlet for me to figure out why i emotionally and compulsively overeat. i am going to post daily and hope that outlining my struggles and hearing comments from you all will help get through this aspect of my life.

i've been heavy all of my life. i know, cliche, but some of my ealiest memories were sneaking downstairs when i was little and eating whole bags of cookies, bags of chips, full packs of luncheon meat and even a 5 pound bag oranges.

i look back at my life and try to dig up memories of youth and childhood, and all of them involve food. every single one of them. there is the time i baked and frosted a 2 tier chocolate cake when my mom was at work and ate the whole thing before she got home. had to get rid of the evidence. there's the time i breaded and deep- fried a pack of 12 chicken thighs and ate all of them. i used to lie to my mom constantly about how much food we actually were going through. she'd open the freezer with a quizzical look on her face, wondering where all the food she bought was.

look in october of 2007, my dad passed away from stomach cancer. he was not a heavy man, but he was an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and we had been estranged for about 12 years.

after his death it made me reevaluate my life, and my role in the world and the role my emotions play in my relationship with food.

i read a book in november called "why can't i stop eating". it makes you evaluate your trigger foods and why you eat them. the plan does not allow you to eat your trigger foods anymore. ever. my trigger foods were pizza, sugar, chocolate, fried food, fast food, large portions and steak. now, imagine never eating any of these again. seems impossible, right? well, it is. it's like asking someone who has been a crack addict for 29 years to stop cold turkey, but to wave the crack around them constantly, have crack commercials on TV every 10 minutes and to have crack stores where you do your weekely shopping, only you can buy anything but the crack.

well, this plan seemed to work well for about 5 months. i would dream about food. i would fantasize about the taste of the fatty, luscious treats dancing across my tongue, but i abstained. i abstained at thanksgiving. i abstained at christmas!, i abstained at new years, etc, until finally in the middle of february i fell off the wagon. and i fell hard.

i had a 16 ounce steak, about 3 cups of rice, mushroom soup gravy and a whole thing of brownies. so obviously this was not sustainable for the long term. i thought i could just hop back on the wagon.

i went from 307 down to 268, and am currently about 276-277. over the last 2 months i have gained back almost 10 pounds, and can not seem to stop eating. i have good days and bad days, but the bad days are reaaaaaaaly bad. for instance, on sunday i had 2 large pizza subs, a bag og chips, a large diet pepsi, and 2 meals from DQ. all in the span of about 3 hours. oh my god did i puke. and afterwards i thought, " well i'm never doing that again! i feel awful!" and guess what? i did it again yesterday, only this time it was a big steak dinner and a big bacon classic from wendy's, both for supper.

so what the hell is wrong with me? i have no idea. but hopefully by writing my thoughts and feelings down here on a daily basis and whenever i feel the need to binge, it will help me to identify why i do it, and how i can go about stopping.

here is my meal plan for today. hopfully i will follow it and not order pizza when i get home.

breakfast:
1c. oatmeal
1 banana

snack:
small yogurt cup
mini carrots
24 almonds

lunch:
roast beef sandwich
tossed salad with 1 avacado
1 apple

snack:
celery sticks
orange

supper:
pasta with sauage and peppers and tomato sauce

snack:
1 cup of skim milk

thanks, and i'll keep you posted.

Rachel89 · April 2008

It sucks wanting to eat all the time and doing it... i am so used to eating so much that i feel like i am starving myself when i eat like a Normal person.... It is hard for sure but it will only get easier as time goes on! i want to wish you the best of luck and keep us posted!

Shannon023 · April 2008

Wow, thanks for sharing your struggle.

Have you ever discussed your food addiction with a professional?? It obviously goes back a long time. Perhaps they could help channel your food obsession into something more healthy.

Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:

Benson · April 2008

Good for you That's a great meal plan for the day. With regard to the overeating, maybe limiting your available cash would help. If you don't carry your debit card or keep cash around you would not be able to do the drive-thru or order delivery. Lack of spendable cash would quite effectively thwart you attempts to self-sabotage

Pause on the following - Every day

1) How are you feeling today? What do you need to do to take care of yourself?
2) Identify one thing you will focus on today (i.e. one positive thing - one thing you are grateful for)

ali106 · April 2008

oh hon...big hugs!

I can imagine your pain....that is hard!!!
but you are sooo brave and strong I can tell it from your post...just admitting it is half the battle....

I think if I were you I'd do it one day at a time....congradualate myself each day for doing my best....forgive myself for any slip ups....but also would get some therapy to deal w/ things such as the loss of a loved one or being estranged from that loved one prior their death....guilt is a funny thing even though to the outsider there should be no guilt to the person dealing w/ it they can't help but feel it....

so hugs! I know you're having a hard time but your plan is great and we are here for you and can't wait to hear from you more!

hugs!
Ali

Me_Im_2b · April 2008

Wow! Thank you so much! I feel for you and I have tears for you honey!:sad: but you're on the right track! Best of luck!

ednaratliff · April 2008

I just have a few questions to ask and a few things to say - You mentioned your father's death and how even though he was estranged from you, his death made you reevaluate your life. Even though he was not really in the picture was he in your thoughts alot growing up. Did you resent him? Did you want him to be apart of your life? It was just interesting that you mentioned him when sharing your eating behaviors with us. It sounds like your dad who was absent in your life really has had more of an impact on you your whole life. I would start to try to resolve your issues if you have any with your dad and see where you go from there.

I wish you luck and hope that you stick with it. I think if you start within, I think you'll be able to help yourself on the outside too. Believe me, it takes alot of self evaluation and asking yourself the hard questions. But it is very possible and it can be done!

iojoi · April 2008

Good luck and welldone for havin the courage to tell us... that really cant have been easy...
i would love to know how u get on?
if the going gets rough... dont give up.... try another route with some professional advice..
I always see it as a diversion rather than failure.. if I do?
:flowerforyou:

shrtcwgrl · April 2008

The simple fact that you have recognized that you have an obcession with over-eating is a great start. I agree with the question of how your dad (or lack thereof) has impacted your life and your habits. The reason I write that is because I have had a similar struggle with my father. I went the opposite though...I was anorexic at the age of NINE!...thinking that if I didn't have control over how active my father was or wasn't, at least I had control over SOMETHING. It took nine more years and a pregnancy to wake me up. I realized that what I was doing to myself was not hurting anyone but myself. Since then, I have struggled with my weight. Not only did I get super skinny (68 pounds) but I killed my metabolism and how my body viewed food. Once I became pregnant (at 115 pounds), I had to shock my body by feeding it sooo many more calories in order for this new life to survive. Now I have caused my own weight issues and struggles with losing the pounds and fat once packed on.

Realizing the root of the problem is a HUGE step and allows one to move on and change their behaviors. I agree with others in the idea that obtaining professional help is not just a suggestion, but a necessity for you. Its amazing what one learns about themself when an unattached outsider hears how we view our own life and trials.

Now...props and congrats on the THIRTY pounds you have already lost!!!!! I have faith that you will do this for YOU and nobody else!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

abbychelle07 · April 2008

I liked your meal plan, but make sure it's not too little. Does it use all of your calories that this website allows you?

If you eat a tiny amount for two or three days, THAT is when you are going to fall off the wagon!

Phatmomma · April 2008

I want to ask if you have EVER had yourself medically evaluated? There are some serious mental and physical illnesses that can cause obsessive behavior and overeating. It's always good to eliminate medical causes FIRST if possible. I applaud you on the journey you are beginning. I noted that you also attach guilt to food and did so at an early age-i.e. lying about what you ate, hiding, sneaking food.

ellelit · April 2008

so yesterday was an ok day. i stuck to the meal plan, fell within my calorie alottment and did not binge. i felt fairly content yesterday, aside from the hungry feeling i had for most of the day (not sure if it was actualy hunger, or just the normal feeling of not being stuffed beyond belief). i walked to and from work as usual, about 30 minutes total, and had a good sleep. all in all not a bad day.

so, no, i have not had myself professionally checked out. however everytime i go to my doctor, no matter what is wrong with me, he always tells me the main reason for (insert illness here) is because i'm fat. makes me avoid doctors like the plague so i dont know how to go seek help. i've been to some of those overeaters anonymous meetings, but they were not for me. do i just walk into his office and say, "look, i can't stop eating. i need help"? i have full medical coverage including psychiatric visits and counselling so it would be nice to know how to get a referral for that.

for me right now it's not so much about losing weight as it is about not bingeing. so i went a whole day yesterday without bingeing and managed to eat healthfully in the process. here is to today.

planned menu for april 17, 2008:

breakfast:
1 cup oatmeal
1 banana

snack:
yoghurt
celery sticks
apple

lunch:
tossed salad
leftovers (1/2 cup mashed potatoes, 2 sausages, 1/2 cup steamed broccoli)

snack:
1 orange
24 roasted almonds

supper:
2 roasted chicken thighs
1/2 cup rice
steamed broccoli

snack:
1 cup skim milk

here we go!

Phatmomma · April 2008

so, no, i have not had myself professionally checked out. however everytime i go to my doctor, no matter what is wrong with me, he always tells me the main reason for (insert illness here) is because i'm fat. makes me avoid doctors like the plague so i dont know how to go seek help. i've been to some of those overeaters anonymous meetings, but they were not for me. do i just walk into his office and say, "look, i can't stop eating. i need help"? i have full medical coverage including psychiatric visits and counselling so it would be nice to know how to get a referral for that.

Doctor's can be douche bags. I've dealt with at least 3 this past month. But you have to stand up for yourself and get the help you need. There is a disorder that causes children to crave food all day and night, dang I cannot think of the name off the top of my head. These little ones grow to adults who have the same eating behavior you describe. I think because you mentioned this started as a child concerns me that you might have underlying medical causes. But you are doing such a great job as you have begun the journey to better health. You inspire others, like me, each day you succeed. Keep up the GREAT work.

ednaratliff · April 2008

Ya know - I didn't mean to imply you need professional help. But I do think talking through some things would help. l have had better luck talking with a great friend rather than going to counseling. I have a really good friend who asks all the right but tough questions. She has really helped me through alot of issues with my childhood. She basically gave me permission to spill my guts even about things even things that I thought were minor. Once I got it out in the open, all of my childhood hang ups didn't seem so horrible and overwhelming and then I see my experiences for what they were and just move on.
I did alot of journal writing too. Every time a memory came to mind that I didn't like, instead of running from it or gorging myself with food, I wrote about it and tried to evaluate why the memory bothered me so much.

But I constantly have aha moments and I'm 37. Yesterday, I realized that if I sit down and watch t.v. around 3:30 p.m. I blow my eating plan every time. I realized it was because that was a pattern I developed when I was younger. My mom worked and no one was home at that time. I watched t.v. and ate to combat the loneliness. So now I watch Oprah later in the day and I try to avoid being inactive at that time.

It seems like you are on the right path though. This site has really helped me to be accountable and be more aware of what I am eating. When I get frustrated or I feel tempted to splurge, I get on the site and usually find something that helps me overcome it. Hang in there. Dena

Diary of a Compulsive Overeater

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