Personal Attendant Rant

striveNthrive
striveNthrive Posts: 6
edited December 18 in Chit-Chat
So does anyone else find it ridiculous that a personal attendant in the wedding is left to plan, arrange, and cover all of the costs for a bachelorette party? Well, that's the position I am in!

Sorry, mostly just need to vent/rant about this frustrating situation I am in. A month or so ago I was asked to be a bride's personal attendant of a girl I have only recently befriended. I was honored, of course.....but, then she asked me to plan her bachelorette party. Didn't really mind until all of the costs started to add up and I have received no help or offers of help from any of her bridesmaids! Sorry, I don't have tons of money. In fact, I have very little money and had to put the limo and the hotel on a credit card (which I have been dutifully been trying to pay off for the last year).

Why am I planning the bachelorette party and not her Maid of Honor? Because her MOH (bride's sister) is a stick-in-the-mud who flat-out said she didn't want to do it. Why aren't the other bridesmaids picking up the slack? Because they all conveniently live out-of-state and all of them except the bride's sister cannot attend. (F*ing ridiculous I know!)

Basically, my position is that if you are a bridesmaid or especially a MOH, then you should be doing this stuff, not the flipping personal attendant...and if you don't want to do it then you shouldn't except the position in the first place. I also think the Personal attendant title is a semi-silly position to begin with if you got 4 bridesmaids--between them they should be able to get you down the aisle just dandy.

If you have any suggestions that would help the position I am in, they would be greatly appreciated! Please note that I did ask for checks to be presented to me for the ladies attending the party...just not sure how many ladies will actually show or how many will actually pay their way. I am hoping for the best--but expecting the worst.
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Replies

  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
    Just don't do it. Problem solved.
    -wtk
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I have never in my entire life heard of a "bride's personal attendant." I always thought the Maid of Honor planned the bachelorette party...that's at least been the case to every one I've gone to. I've helped plan a couple as a bridesmaid and we all chipped in to cover the cost. I think you should ask the bridesmaids to chip in.

    What is the personal attendant? I've just never heard of that before, and I've been in 3 weddings, attended a ton (I'm at that age where EVERYONE I KNOW is getting married or has recently gotten married in the last couple years).
  • DAM_Fine
    DAM_Fine Posts: 1,227 Member
    I've never heard of that position either and I'm beginning to think she may have made it up just for you - a convenient new 'friend' to bear the brunt of the cost.

    Personally, I'd tell her to stick it.
  • FlyByJuly
    FlyByJuly Posts: 564 Member
    I wouldn't be thrilled about being asked to perform this "duty" of somebody I'd "recently befriended." First off, I've never heard of a bride's personal attendant. Something makes me think you are being used, or maybe I'm just seeing it that way. If I were you, I'd let the bride know right now that you will not be able to fulfill the role/responsibilities of her "personal attendant" so that she may still have time to find somebody to take your place.
  • BronnersHarris
    BronnersHarris Posts: 247 Member
    I have never even heard of a Personal Attendant. Sounds like you're beeing taken advantage of and to think you should cover the cost of the party? Awful.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    I've heard of brides having personal attendants, but that "job" is really only for the wedding and reception. The personal attendant helps with things like helping the bride get in her dress, stay close to her to check on her hair and make up during reception, help her go to the restroom........."personal" stuff. What did you think was involved in it when you accepted? If not what she's expecting, then I'd tell her so.
  • trababes1971
    trababes1971 Posts: 173 Member
    OMG ive never heard of such a thing? And usually when things like hen parties as we call them are organised everyone chips in. You need to discuss this with the others even if its just by sending out a short but firm friendly email just something along the lines off "hi ..i have organised such and such and the price between us all is ...blah blah etc?" No one should expect you to pay whats so ever hun! god if that happened to me i would be mortified as im skint lol. The girls should chip in simple as without a doubt. xxxx
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    If someone called me their "personal attendant" I'd smack them in the mouth, not throw them a party.
  • striveNthrive
    striveNthrive Posts: 6
    @Meredith. Basically, from what I can figure, a personal attendant is a frivolous title for somebody who is the bride's B*tch for the wedding day. A personal attendant is to attend to everything from helping the bride get dressed and ready, to providing emergency safely pins/bobby pins, carry around make-up bag and other personal items for the bride, and keeping the groom from seeing the bride before the wedding ceremony. Basically, someone to make sure everything goes off without a hitch on the big day and is around to do whatever the bride asks to be done...basically a BRIDESMAID but with a lower title!! I am not mad that I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid...never expected to because, we just recently became friends. I accepted because I am good at planning, usually enjoy organizing things like this but I DO NOT want to be stuck with all of these costs.
  • trababes1971
    trababes1971 Posts: 173 Member
    If someone called me their "personal attendant" I'd smack them in the mouth, not throw them a party.

    *splutter* lmfaoooooo!!!! xxxx
  • FlyByJuly
    FlyByJuly Posts: 564 Member
    Ok, curiosity got the better of me, and I googled "bride's personal attendant." You are being used, IMO. Better let the bride know asap that you can't do this. I think she stepped way over the line with expecting you to do the bach party.
  • DavetheHYNIC
    DavetheHYNIC Posts: 318 Member
    I have never heard of personal attendant. This must be a cultural thing. I thought that this was going to be a rant on the guys who stand in the bathroom and block the hand dryers and hand you a paper towel for a buck
  • striveNthrive
    striveNthrive Posts: 6
    @BrettPGH Thanks!!! That one made me laugh. Personal attendants must be a mid-western thing as I have heard of them at numerous weddings as well and like another person said, I mainly just expected to help the bride out on the big day (touching up makeup/hair, helping her get dressed, etc.) ...Im going to be there anyway cause my b/f is in the wedding. I agree that I am majorly being taken advantage of in the bachelorette party.
  • treetop57
    treetop57 Posts: 1,578 Member
    I've never heard of this personal attendant business, either. I did find a "Wedding Guide: How to be a Perfect Personal Attendant." I found the first item especially pertinent.
    Determine your involvement

    Will you be helping the bride on the wedding day only? Or, will you be involved in planning showers and other pre-wedding parties? Talk with the bride and discuss your availability with her. Agree on what you will and won’t be helping with.

    http://istheone.blogspot.com/2008/04/be-perfect-personal-attendant.html

    My advice (worth exactly what you are paying for it)? Have that talk with the bride now. If you don't feel comfortable with that, discuss it with the stick-in-the-mud. She's the one whose slack you're taking up.
  • AntShanny
    AntShanny Posts: 359 Member
    Like many others, I've never even heard of a bride's personal attendant, but after the description of it your bride is way out of control! Why the heck should you, a new friend, have to foot the bill for that???!!! There's no way in hell I would. I would tell her thanks, but no thanks and be done with it! That is ridiculous that she is expecting you to plan all that stuff...definitely Maid/Matron of Honor duties!!!
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    Yeah I had to look it up too. I think it's lame but I think that about most wedding stuff. Some women really do get out of hand with these things.

    But all I saw were things like "fluff the dress, have bobbypins" not "pay for party". You're being taken advantage of. Especially if it's a new friend.
  • striveNthrive
    striveNthrive Posts: 6
    Thanks Treetop. I think I read that same blog as well. Anyway I did just sent a message to her sister about the costs and how I would like some help. We shall see what happens.
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
    I was a maid of honor once. I sucked at it. I was strung out on Xanax... though I was only 22 at the time, and in college. And her marriage fell through in a couple of years. I do regret f***ing up her long train... I spread out one side, but not the other. It looked funny later in pictures. I was lucky I didn't fall down the stairs backwards... long huge flight of stairs in that church.

    Oh well. I was a poor choice for a job like that.

    The big, huge weddings always freaked me out. Way too stressful. Too many things can go wrong.

    It's one of the reasons I chose to marry my husband in a simple ceremony, with only the minister & his wife as witness... we were even late to our own wedding... Haha! My bouquet was picked out at the last minute... a handful of mismatched flowers. I loved it that way... it simplified things.

    Advice: Let her know you can't afford to pay for all that. And if you've already committed and can't back out, just do your best... don't break your neck trying to make things perfect.
  • regina2063
    regina2063 Posts: 203 Member
    ive been in a wedding and never heard of a personal attendant. You need to tell the bride what is going on and let her know you need some financial help before you go broke and shes off to Hawaii...
  • RyLaneB
    RyLaneB Posts: 60 Member
    Wow! I agree that she is taking advantage of you and/ or does not know what the personal attendant's job is. Your job should be simply to go to a dress fitting to learn how to bustle her dress, and on the big day help her get ready and into the dress. Really, most of the things she is asking of you are the job of the maid of honor. You would think that she would have known her sister well enough to not ask her to be the MOH if she would be unwilling to fufill the obligations that come with it... you should not be stuck with the cost of the party. Maybe she could arrange for her sister to help you finance the party?
  • Karalopolous
    Karalopolous Posts: 574
    I have never in my entire life heard of a "bride's personal attendant." I always thought the Maid of Honor planned the bachelorette party...that's at least been the case to every one I've gone to. I've helped plan a couple as a bridesmaid and we all chipped in to cover the cost. I think you should ask the bridesmaids to chip in.

    What is the personal attendant? I've just never heard of that before, and I've been in 3 weddings, attended a ton (I'm at that age where EVERYONE I KNOW is getting married or has recently gotten married in the last couple years).

    ^This
  • Gr8ChangesAhead
    Gr8ChangesAhead Posts: 836 Member
    Apparently Bridzilla found a patsy , sorry don't mean to be so rude....
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
    I've had problems with my personal attendant not being very detail-oriented, including not wiping me completely or not cutting the crusts off the bread. I would advise you to contact the agency and ask for someone else.
  • misscristie
    misscristie Posts: 643 Member
    I call Bullsh... This is why I got married in Vegas.
  • AmyLRed
    AmyLRed Posts: 856 Member
    being the planner shouldnt mean being the financial supporter. I would go to her and say ,so i found these 3 best options for the limo, which one is best in your budget? Do you want me to order it online with your card or want to go with me to book? etc. I would NOT be footing the bill. Other than that, i would also ask the other girls. "I know (Brides name) really wants XXX at the party. If we split it 5 (or however many there are ) ways ,it will cost $$ a piece. can you mail a check to me by the 15th? " etc.....
  • jpuderbaugh
    jpuderbaugh Posts: 318 Member
    I too haven't ever heard of a personal attendent. Must be a regional thing like you said. But whether or not any of us have heard of it, or even it was part of your responsibilities to do the bachelorette party, you're still getting taken advantage of. Nobody should be brought into a wedding just to pay for stuff (unless it's a bank). You should not be putting yourself into debt for a wedding unless it's yours, or your child's wedding.
  • pinn44
    pinn44 Posts: 68
    As many have said I've never heard of such a title for a wedding; however, I believe your being used. It is the responsibiliy of the MOH to do the planning and organizing of bridal activities. Why would you put yourself in debt and you say you can't really afford it. You have to look out for yourself and not let them take advantage of you. I was the MOH in my lil sisters wedding. I planned everything and paid for everything. Every single bridesmaid said they would pitch in and it never happened. Fortunately I was in a position where it was ok but not fair. If they haven't pitched in so far it's safe to say you won't be receiving any money. Stop while you can and get out. I'd give the bride notice and let her know that someone needs to step up because your done.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    A personal attendant is someone (in my experience) that gets awarded a position when the Bride figures out that her bridal party are a bunch of slackers.

    I've seen it happen more than once...it's really not fair to you.

    Regarding the parties and the cost? been there done that...I was an MOH for a few of my lovelies (BFF's and all that) and when the other BM's wouldn't pony up, I would end up swallowing the costs.

    One wedding in particular (one of my bestest friends in the whole world, so I wanted her to have the BEST wedding and hen night and bridal shower) the other BM's were so lazy and cheep that I ended up putting over 5,000 dollars into the fetes I threw for her. her WEDDING budget was only 5,000.

    I spent more than she did on that wedding....but I didn't mind, because I know that she would do the same for me, and that she had a fabulous time and was extremely grateful.

    so for me it was worth it. But what i'm trying to illustrate here is that these events are NOT cheap and they are NOT easy (very time consuming really) and as a result many bridal parties flake out.

    if you don't know her that well, I wouldn't be doing this for her....i would flat out say NO.
  • striveNthrive
    striveNthrive Posts: 6
    I guess I will look at it this way....sucks to be the bride that has to lean on her "personal attendant" to plan her bachlorette party. I guess that says something about her choice in MOH and her bridesmaids....but I am a "patsy" for being drug into this charade.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Why am I planning the bachelorette party and not her Maid of Honor? Because her MOH (bride's sister) is a stick-in-the-mud who flat-out said she didn't want to do it. Why aren't the other bridesmaids picking up the slack? Because they all conveniently live out-of-state and all of them except the bride's sister cannot attend.
    They all "conveniently" live out-of-state? I somehow doubt they moved away just to get out of paying for a party.

    Notice what all these people have in common? They all said no. So why didn't you?
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