Help dealing with my insecurities
hunderwoman
Posts: 101 Member
This is a rather long post, so I want to thank everyone in advance that takes the time to read it and provide their feedback. It is greatly appreciated!
I should start by giving a little bit of background on my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been “dating” for the past 6 months. We are planning on moving in together on the 7th of next month, though we currently basically live together already. Just planning on getting our “own” place. 6 months may seem a little quick to most but the two of us have a pretty long history together.
He was my first love. We originally started dating when I was a sophomore in high school. He had just graduated. When I turned 18 and graduated, we moved into an apartment together. We eventually got engaged, but never got married. We were young and stupid and didn’t know much about finances and what it takes make a relationship work. A few weeks before my 21st birthday, we broke up. I had heard that he was cheating on me at the time, which made things all the more difficult.
Fast forward a few years and I am 25, married and about to have a child with a husband that turned out to be verbally abusive. Needless to say, that ended and I have been happily single for quite some time.
About 5 years ago, my current boyfriend and I started talking again. Mostly through email at first, then text and phone. We talked about the past, a lot. We talked about the present, and what we wanted for the future. We became very good friends, and helped each other through some tough times in both of our lives. I asked him if he ever cheated on my, and he swore that he didn’t. He even went as far to admit that he did end up hooking up with the girl in question, but never while we were together. Because we were just friends, I believed him. He had no reason to lie to me now. And I still do. We tried to hang out a few times, but in all honesty, I could tell deep down inside that it wasn’t really a good idea for me because I could completely fall for him again. (They say you never forget your first love.) There were times even when I wouldn’t return his phone calls or texts simply because I didn’t want to be in that situation again.
Eventually, I fessed up and told him what my problem was. And we talked about it like grown adults do. I am now 35, so I suppose I have learned some life lessons along the way. About 6 months before we started dating, we talked every night about what it would be like if we were actually together again. And then 6 months ago, we took the plunge. And I have been blissfully happy every day since.
But… I am finding that as we get closer to our “move” day, I am getting more and more insecure about our relationship. I think the past is trying to rear its ugly head, and I am starting to fear going through the same thing I did so many years ago. I find myself questioning if he really loves me. If he really wants to spend his life with me, as he says he does. We both have children, and I know deep down that he would never put his kids into this situation if it wasn’t something he was committed to, nor do I think he is the kind of guy who would lead me on like some sick joke, but I can’t make these feelings go away. I am hopeful that when we finally do move, I will feel much better about things, but I am worried that I will drive him away if I don’t figure it out soon. We have a very good relationship and we can talk about ANYTHING, so he knows of my fears and insecurities, and does his best to assure me that those things arent going to happen again, but I have my days where I just can’t help but think that way. I love this man, he makes me incredibly happy, and I don’t want to ruin this.
I should start by giving a little bit of background on my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been “dating” for the past 6 months. We are planning on moving in together on the 7th of next month, though we currently basically live together already. Just planning on getting our “own” place. 6 months may seem a little quick to most but the two of us have a pretty long history together.
He was my first love. We originally started dating when I was a sophomore in high school. He had just graduated. When I turned 18 and graduated, we moved into an apartment together. We eventually got engaged, but never got married. We were young and stupid and didn’t know much about finances and what it takes make a relationship work. A few weeks before my 21st birthday, we broke up. I had heard that he was cheating on me at the time, which made things all the more difficult.
Fast forward a few years and I am 25, married and about to have a child with a husband that turned out to be verbally abusive. Needless to say, that ended and I have been happily single for quite some time.
About 5 years ago, my current boyfriend and I started talking again. Mostly through email at first, then text and phone. We talked about the past, a lot. We talked about the present, and what we wanted for the future. We became very good friends, and helped each other through some tough times in both of our lives. I asked him if he ever cheated on my, and he swore that he didn’t. He even went as far to admit that he did end up hooking up with the girl in question, but never while we were together. Because we were just friends, I believed him. He had no reason to lie to me now. And I still do. We tried to hang out a few times, but in all honesty, I could tell deep down inside that it wasn’t really a good idea for me because I could completely fall for him again. (They say you never forget your first love.) There were times even when I wouldn’t return his phone calls or texts simply because I didn’t want to be in that situation again.
Eventually, I fessed up and told him what my problem was. And we talked about it like grown adults do. I am now 35, so I suppose I have learned some life lessons along the way. About 6 months before we started dating, we talked every night about what it would be like if we were actually together again. And then 6 months ago, we took the plunge. And I have been blissfully happy every day since.
But… I am finding that as we get closer to our “move” day, I am getting more and more insecure about our relationship. I think the past is trying to rear its ugly head, and I am starting to fear going through the same thing I did so many years ago. I find myself questioning if he really loves me. If he really wants to spend his life with me, as he says he does. We both have children, and I know deep down that he would never put his kids into this situation if it wasn’t something he was committed to, nor do I think he is the kind of guy who would lead me on like some sick joke, but I can’t make these feelings go away. I am hopeful that when we finally do move, I will feel much better about things, but I am worried that I will drive him away if I don’t figure it out soon. We have a very good relationship and we can talk about ANYTHING, so he knows of my fears and insecurities, and does his best to assure me that those things arent going to happen again, but I have my days where I just can’t help but think that way. I love this man, he makes me incredibly happy, and I don’t want to ruin this.
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Replies
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My husband and I have a VERY similar situation. We got together when I was 19 (he was 26) and I got pregnant (while on birth control and getting ready to move to a town where I had a full ride opportunity at a university). I was scared, insecure, YOUNG, and naive. He was ready for it but I wasn't. As a result, our relationship went from high to dangerously low and we ended up breaking up. He DID cheat on me, but I have to admit I was horrible to him because I didn't know how to express my fears and feelings appropriately. Its was a recipe for disaster.
About a year later, I really started to miss him. I missed our family. We talked, and we decided to go through therapy. We learned how to deal with our past and move forward and 2 years after that, we got married.
I had to learn how to let go of the past. Either I was going to get hurt or I wasn't. No matter if you worry about it or not, if it happens then it happens. You couldn't prevent or control it either way. Isn't it better to enjoy the happiness you have found with each other. No one can tell you if you are going to experience what you went through before, but you have a choice to dwell on it or move forward. We celebrated my husband's 32nd bday on Wednesday and it was happy and carefree. That's how I want my life to be. I can't plan tomorrow and things could change... but I don't know that and I chose to live right now. I hope this helps. Good luck to you guys! And remember, you both grew up, you've had life experience, and your perspective has changed. These are good things!0 -
Thank you very much! Sometimes I think I just need a reminder that we are where we are for a reason. I know that he loves me. Sometimes I think it is just hard for me to accept that. I get that dumb fear of a repeat past.0
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I think Nicole makes a good point; you can't know what the future holds and worrying about what may or may not happen only ruins the present.
You say deep down you know he loves you, maybe when you feel good write down little proofs and reminders of why u know its ok to show yourself when u feel insecure. That's what I used to do when I felt insecure about my relationship. I've found that it has got better with time but also its usually had to do with my own confidence and past problems rather than any real, current problem.
It sounds like youve got a good thing going on there :-)0 -
I think your issue of trust is probably due to a lot of your past and how you were treated, but for your future you either have to admit you trust this man or not. If you do trust him and you want a future with him you need to put 150% of yourself into this relationship to make it work. Insecurities are something everyone deals with in a variety fo ways, but if you're afraid that yours are going to come between you and him this is something you need to seriously think about. If he is your "true love" and he is a good man and you honestly believe you're making the right decision then forget about the past and what happened and concentrate on your future, trust him to be the man you think he is. If you don't have that trust and faith in him then your relationship won't work. Good luck on the move!0
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Thank you all for your responses. Its kind of strange I guess because I don't feel like the past issues are bothering me in the present. I don't intentionally hold anything from the past against him now. I just get insecure and begin to question if I am the one he wants to be with. I know it sounds stupid. He is with me for crying out loud. So why do I question these things? We talk very openly about everything so he knows I get insecure, however I know if I continue to bring it up, it will drive him away eventually. I need to find a good method to rid myself of my thoughts when they appear so that I can continue being happy instead of driving myself crazy with these thoughts.0
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Just be honest with him about your fears! He may be feeling the same thing. You never know. You're both older and wiser than you were before, and you can rationalize it up the wazoo. It's not going to help how you FEEL until you address it head on. It's worked so far, hasn't it? Good luck to you!0
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If you are going to love someone, love them. It isn't a feeling that floats around and falls on people...it is an act that you perform every day, every decision, every time. It is trusting them unconditionally because you love them, even when to the rest of the world, its unbelievable. it is thinking the best of them, even when to the rest of the world, its ridiculous. it is doing your best for them, even to the rest of the world, its too unfair. it is forging ahead with the best intentions, always. It is demonstrating how you want to be treated, every day and every time. It is not keeping score or worrying about the missteps. it is knowing that you have value and you add value to the relationship...without you it is not the same and without them, it is not the same.
its a decision.
just love them.0
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