Visit from the MIL

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eyescatchfire
eyescatchfire Posts: 257 Member
in Motivation and Support
My MIL is visiting us at the beginning of July, 11 weeks from now. I have been at this for 10 weeks already, and lost 17 pounds. My weight loss is slowing down a little, but I don't think it is unreasonable to be down a total of 30 pounds by the time she visits--I would be 161 if that happens. The problem? I don't think it will be enough. She is one of those "I am 57 and look like I'm 25, get up at 4:30 to go the gym" ladies. She has also never been heavy. Her daughter, my SIL, was somewhat heavy for a while, and my MIL always talked about how she wished she would lose weight. To me, her DIL, who at the time needed to lose at least twice the amount her daughter did. She is always talking about how she wants me to be "healthy." I know that she will be surprised to see that I am smaller, but I honestly feel that when she comes, she will say something like, "don't stop, you have so much more to go," ie, "you're still fat, I see." If I reached 161, I would be halfway to my original goal. Why am I letting her make me feel like I suck? Before she gets here, even!

I really don't know how to get past this feeling that she is constantly judging me! I'm not doing this for her (I didn't even know she was coming when I started this!) but I feel like she might derail how far I've come. Of course, I could feel totally different in 3 months, but at the moment I am (obviously) losing it. Any warm fuzzies you want to send my way would be greatly appreciated.

Jess

Replies

  • eyescatchfire
    eyescatchfire Posts: 257 Member
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    My MIL is visiting us at the beginning of July, 11 weeks from now. I have been at this for 10 weeks already, and lost 17 pounds. My weight loss is slowing down a little, but I don't think it is unreasonable to be down a total of 30 pounds by the time she visits--I would be 161 if that happens. The problem? I don't think it will be enough. She is one of those "I am 57 and look like I'm 25, get up at 4:30 to go the gym" ladies. She has also never been heavy. Her daughter, my SIL, was somewhat heavy for a while, and my MIL always talked about how she wished she would lose weight. To me, her DIL, who at the time needed to lose at least twice the amount her daughter did. She is always talking about how she wants me to be "healthy." I know that she will be surprised to see that I am smaller, but I honestly feel that when she comes, she will say something like, "don't stop, you have so much more to go," ie, "you're still fat, I see." If I reached 161, I would be halfway to my original goal. Why am I letting her make me feel like I suck? Before she gets here, even!

    I really don't know how to get past this feeling that she is constantly judging me! I'm not doing this for her (I didn't even know she was coming when I started this!) but I feel like she might derail how far I've come. Of course, I could feel totally different in 3 months, but at the moment I am (obviously) losing it. Any warm fuzzies you want to send my way would be greatly appreciated.

    Jess
  • banks1850
    banks1850 Posts: 3,475 Member
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    I know people, for 50 Grand I could have her off'ed and have it look like an accident. :tongue:

    No seriously though, you have so much to be proud of. I know MIL's, my wife's mom can be brutal (more to her then me but still), don't let her get in your way. Look at it this way, if you stumble when she is there, you are basically allowing her to control your life in some small way. The best comback to "don't stop now" is "you just wait, next time you come, I'll make YOU look fat." That should give her a bit of a kick in the chops.:devil:

    -Banks
  • MontanaGirl
    MontanaGirl Posts: 1,251 Member
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    Hey Jess - wow! It's amazing the power people can have and not even be here yet, isn't it??? I role play in my head until I come up with a response to the inevitable rudeness or put down that is appropriate and yet not rude or put downish back. Look at it this way - you have 11 weeks to come up with an appropriate response that will put her in her place and yet not be out of line. :glasses:

    My proplem though is usually after putting in all that effort to come up with the perfect line - the other person doesn't do what I was "sure" they would do or say!! I wish you the best and know you will look mah-valous when she comes and we will be here to help boost you back on track if she happens to still knock you down!! :flowerforyou:
  • lockedcj7
    lockedcj7 Posts: 257 Member
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    I feel your pain. I have as little contact as possible with my MIL for similar reasons. She has an unnatural ability to eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. My wife and I have both been overweight for several years and both of us have trimmed up a considerable amount. She still makes comments about my wife being heavy and she tells me that I'm crazy for wanting to lose weight. (I'm still 15 lbs into the overweight range). As a result, we don't tell her that we're dieting, we don't discuss it around her and we don't answer her questions about it other than to say that we are eating healthier.

    She also has an uncanny ability to put everyone down in other ways without meaning to. She says things that are patently offensive and then acts as if she doesn't know why everyone gets upset. That's not all. She' s in her 80's and lives with us.

    As if that wasn't enough, she mis-interprets virtually everything I say, puts words into my mouth, tells me what I really mean and jumps to conclusions. It's virtually impossible to have a conversation because you spend half your time clearing up misunderstandings. Trust me, it's not dementia. She's always been like this.
  • MontanaGirl
    MontanaGirl Posts: 1,251 Member
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    I feel your pain. I have as little contact as possible with my MIL for similar reasons. She has an unnatural ability to eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. My wife and I have both been overweight for several years and both of us have trimmed up a considerable amount. She still makes comments about my wife being heavy and she tells me that I'm crazy for wanting to lose weight. (I'm still 15 lbs into the overweight range). As a result, we don't tell her that we're dieting, we don't discuss it around her and we don't answer her questions about it other than to say that we are eating healthier.

    She also has an uncanny ability to put everyone down in other ways without meaning to. She says things that are patently offensive and then acts as if she doesn't know why everyone gets upset. That's not all. She' s in her 80's and lives with us.

    As if that wasn't enough, she mis-interprets virtually everything I say, puts words into my mouth, tells me what I really mean and jumps to conclusions. It's virtually impossible to have a conversation because you spend half your time clearing up misunderstandings. Trust me, it's not dementia. She's always been like this.

    Oy - you have my sincere empathy!!! If my MIL had to live with us, I'll either be dead or in prison!!
  • yoginimary
    yoginimary Posts: 6,786 Member
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    When I encounter that treatment, I like to think about what made them say that. What insecurities are running their lives that they must belittle others. They must have the body of the 25 year old, why? Whom are they trying to impress? Are they so unhappy, they must bring others down as well?

    Sometimes I just think "*****" and get on with my life.
  • abbychelle07
    abbychelle07 Posts: 656 Member
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    As a result, we don't tell her that we're dieting, we don't discuss it around her and we don't answer her questions about it other than to say that we are eating healthier.

    This would be my strategy too. With some people, I don't share my weight loss goals. If they say I am looking thinner, I look surprised as if I can't imagine why that is. Just because I really don't want to talk to them about it, or have them bring it up all the time. Or tell a million other people that I am dieting. Or have them try to sabotage my diet with comments or food.

    Remember, you are not in competition with your mother in law or SIL! I know it is hard, because I feel competitive with some of my friends. I try not to, but it's human nature.
  • eyescatchfire
    eyescatchfire Posts: 257 Member
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    I guess I could look at it this way--I only have to see her for a few days a year. :bigsmile:

    Self-esteem is, at this point, still somewhat of a foreign concept. Standing up to the MIL is hard, but you guys make me believe I can do it. A well-lived life is the best revenge, or something like that, right??? :wink: Thanks so much for all of your encouragement--definitely what I needed today!!
  • abbychelle07
    abbychelle07 Posts: 656 Member
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    My MIL says, "Hmmm, that's an interesting way to do that!"

    All the time.

    And she says "INTERESTING" like it's the dumbest thing she has ever seen. Oh well, I just shrug and forget it.
  • hmmmm
    hmmmm Posts: 607 Member
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    Gosh that must be hard. My MIL is pretty, fit and blonde. My self esteem was eating at me in the beginning and I always thought that she must be horrifed at how much I weighed. Meeting her son and having two kids packed on lots more weight but she never said a word. Now that I am losing weight she is completely supportive and since I only have seen her twice since beginning my journey she has told me how good I am looking and I feel lots of support from her.
    Maybe you should take any comments from her with a grain of salt and just think about how good you will feel when you accomplish your goals. Not for her but for you. As An added motivation you can stick your new hottness in her face. But whether you are overweight or not, her son chooses to be with you, and you with him so ultimately, she really has no say and SHOULD really keep her opinions to herself. But you can always take the high road and just ignore her comments for the purpose of peace in the family.
    I wish everyone could have a MIL as nice as mine.
  • rem1979
    rem1979 Posts: 344 Member
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    My MIL lives in Texas, I am in Chicago, so there is a good buffer zone. Honestly though, I have no problem with her. She has never said anything to my face. They was only one time she said something negative to me and that was in reference to my skin ( I don't have great skin). It hurt because it was something I had to deal with for my whole life.

    Don't let her get you down. I know it's easier said than done. Luckily in my life, I don't have people around me like that. I am probably the most fit person in my family and that's sad.

    Hang in there. You are losing weight for your health. Don't rush it just to look good for her. You will only hurt yourself in the long run.
  • icandoit
    icandoit Posts: 4,163 Member
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    Monster in laws can be sooooooooooooooo:explode:
    Maybe you should put her in her place. She is coming to your home. Don't let her talk you down. Show her how proud you are of what you have accomplished and what you are continuing to do. If she does say something negative, Smile and move on. You can always remind her that she is getting older or has a new wrinkle.
    You are not doing this for her, you are doing this for yourself. Blow her off and smile. WE are all proud of you.

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