How do you heal? Can you ever be friends?

supermom2002
supermom2002 Posts: 180 Member
edited December 18 in Chit-Chat
You have the feeling something is wrong. But you ignore it and continue on. Until that overwhelming feeling just becomes too much and you face reality. He simply isn't that into you. He's not the man you think you're falling in love with.

So you pull up your big girl pants and end things. You do it quickly and quietly and even try to end it on a good note.

But really the inner crazy hormonal b*tch just wants to SCREAM! You want to put his balls in a vice and spit vulgarities in his face. You want to expose his dirty perverted secrets for all of the world to see. But you don't. Nobody cares. Nobody but you. It won't accomplish anything. And you are better than that.

Instead you call your best friend and cry for the first time. You then lay on an exam table with the only thing hiding your insecurities is a small piece of blue cloth while a doctor scrubs and takes samples to test for any and all diseases he may have left behind. (yeah, if you haven't made that appointment yet--you may want to call the clinic)

You go on a "break up diet" of nothing but coffee and cigarettes. You finally lose that extra 5lbs. You have good days and bad. Your amazing friends remind you that "you're a beautiful, strong woman and it will be okay" "let it go, it's for the best" "don't let him back in your life" "just pretend you spent the last 6 months drunk!!" (that was my fav. made me laugh. thanks friend xx)

Time goes on. Things get better. You have now changed your mind about buying that dog. You stop buying batteries. (really, that's a huge stockpile) You gain back that 5lbs. grrr. The pain and hurt is now just a dull distant throb.

Then it happens. He makes contact again. That flash of pain comes right back...but not as strong.

Can you be friends??

My vote? No thanks. He doesn't really care. You're just a name in his list of ex's. He's just a guy you knew. Whom you're happy to forget.

Artists write songs about this *kitten*. Others sell the compromising pics to the tabloids. But I'm not an artist, and his pics won't make me millions. So I sit here...eating my leftover Pho from last nights shenanigans and nurse what feels like a hangover...and write about it on MFP. You are my audience.

Replies

  • SergeantSunshine_reused
    SergeantSunshine_reused Posts: 5,382 Member
    I heal with my 85 horde resto shaman.


    wait wut?
  • wellbert
    wellbert Posts: 3,924 Member
    I heal with my 85 horde resto shaman.


    wait wut?

    OP could use some riptide.
  • teelynn35
    teelynn35 Posts: 239 Member
    if you never had a relationship with him, would he be "friendship" material? Doubtful, I say his loss, best revenge is to move on. You'll find someone who deserves you and you"ll see whatshisface as a just another lesson you learned
  • Amberchalon
    Amberchalon Posts: 207 Member
    I heal by praying and continuing to do whatever I always did--once I allow my life to stop, I've given him way too much power--almost giving him the same type of power only Jesus Christ should exercise over my life.
  • JanetLM73
    JanetLM73 Posts: 1,226 Member
    I'm not friend's with any of my ex's. They became an ex for a reason. I can forgive and move on but I won't ever let them in again.
  • jshorr
    jshorr Posts: 60 Member
    Glad to be your audience. Ex's suck and the time it takes to heal sucks. My ex made contact too soon after we broke up. I was a broken wreck, dilapidated and cracked. Like a bandade being pulled off for the 100th time, it stung. You can never say 'oh we will never be friends' because you might who knows?, but don't force anything you aren't ready for. Timing is a funny thing. Take your time and enjoy the pho.
  • rextcat
    rextcat Posts: 1,408 Member
    I heal with my 85 horde resto shaman.


    wait wut?

    lol "lllllleeeerrrrrroooooyyyyyy!!!!!!"
  • TheDoctorDana
    TheDoctorDana Posts: 595 Member
    That was awesome :) I felt a lot like that after my former husband left. I lived off cigs and diet pepsi. I dropped 60 pounds in 30 days (yes it's possible, I have the pics) and almost never slept. It sucked badly. You are strong and your outlook is amazing. He's nothing but dust on your shoes. Shake it off. He had his chance ;)
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I think anyone who's messed with your head is someone you can't be friends with. If this isn't a person you have respect for or who doesn't have respect for you, you can't be friends. And if a significant amount of time hasn't passed, you shouldn't even be considering it.
  • supermom2002
    supermom2002 Posts: 180 Member
    Glad to be your audience. Ex's suck and the time it takes to heal sucks. My ex made contact too soon after we broke up. I was a broken wreck, dilapidated and cracked. Like a bandade being pulled off for the 100th time, it stung. You can never say 'oh we will never be friends' because you might who knows?, but don't force anything you aren't ready for. Timing is a funny thing. Take your time and enjoy the pho.

    I love pho. Spicier the better.
  • NancyMarie13
    NancyMarie13 Posts: 193 Member
    Prayer always helps.

    I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and when people leave your life it is for a reason and when you bring them back or allow them to come into your life you are responsible for all the hell they bring with them. Ignore it, pretend it never happened, look forward not backwards.

    Keep the past in the past.
  • twiztid_princess
    twiztid_princess Posts: 89
    I think I'm the only one who is friends with all but 2 exes... and not friends with one fwb anymore. The exes i'm not friends with is because one tried to hit me and i don't put up with that; and the other time i tried to just be friends and he wouldn't respect that boundary, every time a guy would flirt with me or something he would get overly angry...
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    Dated a guy for 3.5 years throughout undergrad and went through all that. Took my most recent breakup before I got my dog, though. :laugh: It's pointless to be friends! You can be civil if you have to be around each other (one of my exes is a trainer at my gym), but there's no need for buddy-buddy after a relationship that didn't result in kids.
  • PinkiePie07
    PinkiePie07 Posts: 103 Member
    It seems like you already have your answer OP. You aren't interested, and you're still a bit hurt about it. For a friendship to work, both of you need to be 100% okay with it and over each other.

    Personally, I'm only friends with one of my exes.
  • thebamboophoenix
    thebamboophoenix Posts: 58 Member
    It's not that you can't be, you just won't be. Why would you want to?!?!

    Take pleasure and draw strength from the fact that he came crawling back to you. But face it honey, he had his chance and he blew it. Never mind about the 5 lbs you regained - better than regaining that lump of crap back.

    Don't beat yourself up - if it took a while to fall in love with him it might take a while to fall out of love. Sounds like you're on the right track though.

    My last piece of advice though, if you do ever have the misfortune of coming across him or anyone associated with him again.....kill 'em with kindness - it f***s them up more than you'll ever know and they can never say a damn nasty thing about you either. A strategy that always makes me laugh :o)
  • Emellon
    Emellon Posts: 36 Member
    Oh wow, you just described the last year or so of my life, awkward clinic visit and all. Only I can't quite forget him since I have to see the douche every day at work (lesson learned, I know). At first I did want to try to be friends because I missed that aspect. After awhile it because clear to me he just didn't care either way, so I shut him out completely and finally got to my angry phase.

    Before then, I healed by keeping busy and surrounding myself with the people that do care. The stress of the situation left me 20 pounds lighter, so I guess there's one positive to come from it!

    But if he were to contact me, I don't believe I could be friends with him again. The damage is done and I refuse to fall back into that stupid cycle of getting my hopes up then having them destroyed again. He had his chance, he screwed it up, his problem...not mine.

    Good for you for saying no when it can be easy to say yes. You really do deserve better and I hope you find it!
    Definitely his loss :flowerforyou:
  • budhandy
    budhandy Posts: 305 Member
    I heal with my 85 horde resto shaman.


    wait wut?
    ftw and i self heal with my rogue
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    I think it helps to just do fun stuff. Why not get a doggy? Shelter dogs are lonely and if you have the means to take care of one, why not? They are wonderful companions. Then go hiking/biking/running/lifting, try a new workout class, get a little makeover, sign up for some cool community stuff like learning to make pottery or take pictures. Being single can be REALLY fun! I loved it!
  • sdereski
    sdereski Posts: 3,406 Member
    it's so interesting to read the responses.

    Like many, been there....
    but as hurt as I am, angry as I am, I am feeling those things because there is a part of me that still really cares.
    What I don't understand is WHY? Why, when I know he is not into me, doesn't really care one way or the other. I'm the go to gal when no one else is around. The fact that I have allowed anyone to treat me that way is shocking to me. I am stronger, better than that, or at least I was before I met him, but then I get a msg....and I my resolve dissolves.

    I'm trying to be strong, trying to act like I don't care, trying to move on.....
    Is time the answer?
  • supermom2002
    supermom2002 Posts: 180 Member
    it's so interesting to read the responses.

    Like many, been there....
    but as hurt as I am, angry as I am, I am feeling those things because there is a part of me that still really cares.
    What I don't understand is WHY? Why, when I know he is not into me, doesn't really care one way or the other. I'm the go to gal when no one else is around. The fact that I have allowed anyone to treat me that way is shocking to me. I am stronger, better than that, or at least I was before I met him, but then I get a msg....and I my resolve dissolves.

    I'm trying to be strong, trying to act like I don't care, trying to move on.....
    Is time the answer?


    :flowerforyou: Just keep faking it 'till you make it.

    Time heals all wounds.

    I tried to focus on the good things. To remember the fun we had and all the great times I spent with him. That only made me miss it more. Several times I had to put the phone in the other room to stop myself from reaching out and saying I made a mistake, that I take it all back. That i wanted to continue.

    Just remember how bad he makes you feel. Remember that you are stronger and better than that.

    It's better to be alone than be with somebody that makes you feel like *kitten*.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    I like this! I've just gone through a break up, and right now, even though I'm doing fantastically, I don't want anything to do with him. It would be great if we could be friends someday, though. Things are too murky at this moment in time, however.
  • Nopedotjpeg
    Nopedotjpeg Posts: 1,805 Member
    I heal with my 85 horde resto shaman.


    wait wut?

    NERRRRRRRD
  • Nopedotjpeg
    Nopedotjpeg Posts: 1,805 Member
    yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
    This thread is proof that women are effing lunatics.

    Seriously? Joke or not, pretty insensitive. Go be a troll elsewhere. You only wish you had a great woman to make you a great man.
  • Jupitermermaid
    Jupitermermaid Posts: 270 Member
    Along my jouney of life, I've found that I can indeed be friends with exes. The reason? My belief that people aren't out to "get you." My belief that people enter your life for a reason and a season. I have learned something from every single relationship I have ever been in, and that is priceless. Just because "we" don't work out forever, doesn't make one of us evil and the other the saint. We weren't meant for each other.....that is all! Learn the lesson and move on. I have learned more about what I DON'T want in a relationship due to the "failed" ones I've had. i embrace the experience, wish the exes well and do not give them power over my future (which, by being bitter, gives them power). Life is full of experiences. Learn from them and grow. just MHO
  • marycmeadows
    marycmeadows Posts: 1,691 Member
    I'm not friend's with any of my ex's. They became an ex for a reason. I can forgive and move on but I won't ever let them in again.

    This is me too!
  • keem88
    keem88 Posts: 1,689 Member
    i casually speak to a couple exs here and there, usually on a fb comment every couple months.
    like someone else pointed out, they are an ex for a reason.
    i don't waste my time and move on, and you are worth more than that and deserve better.
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    in my experience
    no. you cant be friends with an ex
    i have tried and failed miserably ending in more heart break then just spliting

    best advice to get over it
    sleep with someone else

    lol.
  • sdereski
    sdereski Posts: 3,406 Member
    Along my jouney of life, I've found that I can indeed be friends with exes. The reason? My belief that people aren't out to "get you." My belief that people enter your life for a reason and a season. I have learned something from every single relationship I have ever been in, and that is priceless. Just because "we" don't work out forever, doesn't make one of us evil and the other the saint. We weren't meant for each other.....that is all! Learn the lesson and move on. I have learned more about what I DON'T want in a relationship due to the "failed" ones I've had. i embrace the experience, wish the exes well and do not give them power over my future (which, by being bitter, gives them power). Life is full of experiences. Learn from them and grow. just MHO

    This.
    Post traumatic GROWTH - it is what I strive for. :-)
  • LaurasClimb
    LaurasClimb Posts: 211 Member
    it's so interesting to read the responses.

    Like many, been there....
    but as hurt as I am, angry as I am, I am feeling those things because there is a part of me that still really cares.
    What I don't understand is WHY? Why, when I know he is not into me, doesn't really care one way or the other. I'm the go to gal when no one else is around. The fact that I have allowed anyone to treat me that way is shocking to me. I am stronger, better than that, or at least I was before I met him, but then I get a msg....and I my resolve dissolves.

    I'm trying to be strong, trying to act like I don't care, trying to move on.....
    Is time the answer?
    This whole thread makes me so sad...I am so there :'(

    For me, the guy I fell in love with when I was just a teenager suddenly appeared in my life, both of us unattached. I wanted this relationship to work more than anything. I couldn't step back and see his ex was still pulling the strings. I let this guy play games with me over and over and over again. Like you, I am better than that too. I finally was able to shut the door.

    I am still so sad, I really wanted it to work.

    So...Do I still love him? Yes, I've loved him for the last 30 years, that's not going to go away over night.
    Am I over it? No
    Will I ever allow him back in my life? No. (at least I hope not). I would love for him to make contact. I would love to be able to tell him that although my feelings haven't changed he cannot be part of my life. It's not healthy for me. I didn't like who I was and I didn't like the way he treated me. Have a nice life...you missed out on a great life.

    Okay...pity party over...back to life.
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