Society/others have caused me to hate myself.

This was originally a blog, but I am posting it on here for support and encouragement. I am getting married in 5 months and I really want to lose at least 30 pounds before I do so...
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Today is the start of something new! I am starting a journey that is absolutely necessary for me. I want to not only change the way I look, but also the way I feel and think.

Things in life aren't always what they seem, and people who "think" they know me, know me as the girl who always tries to make them laugh or smile, but people who REALLY know me, know that I am a very damaged person.

Some may call me "crazy", but I am not crazy, I am very hurt, and I do not know how to fix myself. The problem is, I do not think I can fix myself alone. I need the Lord's help, and I need it bad. I do not know how to let go of my feelings that haunt me. I don't know how to calm the thoughts in my head down. My brain is constantly torturing me of my feelings, and how I perceive things, even if they may not be the case.

It all started in third grade. I was walking to my class and I saw a boy on the playground that I considered a really good friend of mine at the time. He was with a bunch of other boys and when I waved "hi" he yelled across the blacktop "Hey Alyssa slimfast really works". As I write this, I am crying. That was the first time someone called me fat, and it never stopped. All through elementary school and middle school I was made fun of for my weight. I would go home crying every day, and my Mommy would just hold me and tell me that I am beautiful and that kids are just mean.

I also grew up in church, and I loved the church I grew up in. I finally felt like I found somewhere I belonged, until two boys in my youth group started making fun of me too. All I wanted was for them to like me, but instead they felt the need to call me fat as well.

My entire childhood I grew up hating myself. I had amazing parents, and the two best sisters in the world, but nothing they said mattered to me, I don't know why I couldn't believe my family, but I just couldn't. I wanted my peers to accept me for who I am. I wanted them to like me, and think I was beautiful too, just like my family did.

I lost some weight in high school, but still didn't like myself. After I graduated high school, something came over me. I became obsessed with my looks. Nothing mattered to me more than being skinny, so I stopped eating. I didn't eat for a year, and what I did eat (so my family didn't suspect anything), I got rid of. I finally got "skinny" but at the time I still thought I was fat. My body started getting very sick. I finally got smart, and I told my Mom what I had been doing. I know I broke her heart, and I hated myself for hurting my mother. My Mom and I prayed and I promised I would never do that again.

Well two weeks after I told my Mom about the eating disorder, I found out I was pregnant.

To be honest, I barely knew the guy. We had just started dating. But at 19 years old, I thought I knew everything and I thought that he was right for me. We wanted to do the "right thing" so we got married. Everything was good for the first 2 months of marriage, but then something changed. The "nice" guy I thought I loved, stopped being fake, and showed me how he really was. Of course, being pregnant, I started gaining weight. He kept telling me he couldn't wait until I had the baby so I could start losing weight again. He started being very verbally abusive. For the next three years the abuse got worse and worse. On a daily basis I was called fat, stupid and worthless. Every thing I said he would tear down. He told me I would never amount to anything in life, and that I better stay with him, because no other man would ever want to be with a fat and ugly girl like me. The abuse started getting physical. He threw a bowl of spaghetti at my face one night because it was "too watery", and he broke my cell phone when I tried to call the police about it.

One night I looked at my beautiful son and realized that I do not want him to grow up thinking it is okay for men to treat woman this way, so I left my "now" ex husband.

But the feelings of my hatred towards my body never went away. I am now in a relationship with the most amazing man in the world. He is so good to me, and he tells me I am beautiful every day, but I don't believe him. My mind is so damaged that I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to love myself so badly, but I do not know how. I don't know how to let go of the feelings I have about myself. I don't know how to stop over analyzing every thing all the time. I don't know how to forgive my ex husband for what he did to me. (I found out he was cheating as well).

I know I need to change. I just don't know how. I am going to start with trying to trust God, and starting to eat healthy. I want to fix myself so that I can help others. I am currently going to college for my Bachelors in Psychology in Child Development. I want to counsel children who were bullied like me, and help them to grow up and be nothing like me. I want help girls to grow up and not feel like they have to look like a Victoria Secret Model in order to be loved.