I think I want to live again.

October 27, 2008, 9:38 central time was the day my mama died. When she died, a part of me died with her. I had always told people who had experienced loss that I couldn't imagine what they were feeling. I just didn't know how true that really was. Nothing prepared me for the huge hole that would be left in my life.

After my mama died, I had to go back to work the following week. All I wanted to do is stay home in bed with the covers over my head, but I couldn't do that. I had to go to work. I would go to work, put on smile on my face, and do the best I could to make it through the day. When I got off, I could fall apart again. I tried to fill that hole by eating comfort foods. I would come home, lay in bed with my laptop in bed, playing mindless games on Facebook, and go to sleep. I did this for about a year. My eating habits got worse after my boyfriend of three years broke up with me six months after my mama died because I began gaining weight, even though I was a size 4 when I met him and he wore 42/30 pants...The nerve!!! (His loss)

Regardless, I suddenly changed my habits. Even though before my mama died, I had been running three miles a day and following Weight Watchers, I suddenly stopped. I didn't care about being healthy. I didn't care about living. In fact, I told several people that I didn't care if I were dead. I assured them that I didn't want to kill myself but I wouldn't care if I were to die. I really meant that and I lived my life that way. I gained 70 pounds in three years. I began to feel sick in November of last year. I went to the doctor in November. He told me that I wasn't reallly sick. My blood pressure is borderline, and one of my cholesterol readings was high. I have an appointment in May to follow up. That prompted me to begin Weight Watchers again. I refuse to have to take medicine because of what I put in my mouth.

I have lost 24 pounds since I began this journey again. I often say to myself, "How in the world did I let myself get here again?" But I know the answer to that. I did what I had to in order to survive. It was all I could do. I was walking in the park the other day when it hit me, I don't want to die anymore. I want to live. Not only that, but I want to be happy again. I'm still not there, but thank God, I'm no longer in a depression.

I want my life again. I think this healthy lifestyle is a step in the right direction. I want to look like my pictures again. I want to want to take pictures of myself again. I want to be skinny again. I want my life back. I know a part of me forever died on October 27, 2008, the hole in my heart will never be filled, and I am learning how to tolerate life without my mama, but I think I want to live again.