Interesting reaction to compliments

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Azdak
Azdak Posts: 8,281 Member
in Motivation and Support
My wife and I belong to a wine tasting group on our neighborhood. We meet once a month from September through June--we take off July and August because so many people are traveling, etc.

So last night was our first tasting after our summer "vacation". I received a lot of compliments over my new appearance, among them being "we didn't recognize you when you came in the door".

Now, I am all in favor of compliments, but I was surprised that my internal response was not entirely positive. First of all, I found it odd since I had seen all of these people in June, when I had already lost 30+ pounds and hardly anyone said anything (I am now at ~53lbs lost).

But I also couldn't shake some feelings of residual embarrassment--i.e. "Did I look THAT bad? What have people been saying behind my back for the past 8 years?".

And of course I had to endure a new wave of comments whenever I went over to the dessert table.

It was interesting. I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same thing.

I will be attending a trade show in October when I will be seeing a number of my former coworkers and competitors for the first time in a year. It's one of the things that keeps me motivated to push through the aches and pains and pound the machines every day.

Replies

  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
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    I can relate.

    I hit my goal weight last summer and I don't like it when people remark on my appearance now. :tongue: I don't even want to remember that "fat-Shannon" ever existed. :laugh:

    Keep up your good work though! :flowerforyou:
  • briblue72
    briblue72 Posts: 672 Member
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    I understand completely. People say those same things to me... "you look so great NOW" or from my dad last Thanksgiving "are you sure you want that piece of pie?"

    YES I'm sure. and YES, I look great now... but was I that repulsing before? My parents and in-laws tend to tip-toe around my eating habits - always asking what special foods I want, will you eat this, you pick the restaurant, etc. It's like they don't trust me around food - even though I've maintained for 8 months.

    Have a great time at your trade show. And when people comment on how great (or different) you look, be proud of it. You're not doing anything for them, you're doing this for yourself, and you know what it's taken to get this far. :drinker:
  • genma1987
    genma1987 Posts: 43 Member
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    I remember when I had first joined this sight, and the weight began coming off. I felt embarrassed as well when people would start making comments of how good they thought I looked, and thinking to myself, "what were they saying before when I was obese....?" Now I'm just proud of my progress, people are used to me being a normal weight, and no one comments anymore.

    congrats on your success!
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
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    I think I look happier now than I did last year. This may be what people see and react to.

    If they are saying I look good..........no problem!!:laugh: :laugh:

    I have always had a very strong reaction to the question " Are you feeling OK?" Or " Are you sick?" Dang, no....actually I felt fine until you told me I look like crud!!!:laugh:
  • kermiefan
    kermiefan Posts: 28
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    I think people generally mean well when they give the compliments. They're acknowledging our weight loss efforts and commenting favorably upon our appearance. I don't think it means anyone has been thinking/saying anything negative about you because when we see people regularly, we don't tend to notice gradual changes--it's when we're away from someone for a bit that we are suddenly aware of any changes when we see them again. That's probably what happened in your case. :smile:
    Also--keep in mind that they may feel as though you expect them to comment. I know when I got a 8 inches taken off my hair with a different hairstyle, I expected people to comment upon it. When they didn't, I started to assume that they weren't commenting because they thought "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Then I got paranoid that my new do looked terrible.

    Maybe for both of us, it's a matter of self esteem in some ways??? :glasses:
  • Azdak
    Azdak Posts: 8,281 Member
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    Don't get me wrong--I'm pretty self sufficient emotionally and 95% of me is amused by human behavior and the odd things that people do that they think are trying to "be nice", but come off differently.

    And most of the time I am more than happy to enjoy my new look--I feel a lot more self-satisfaction than I do embarrassment. A lot more.

    But I also find that I am MUCH more sensitive, understanding, empathetic, etc to others who are overweight--whether it's people I know or strangers on the street.

    And that, as they say, is a good thing.
  • Azdak
    Azdak Posts: 8,281 Member
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    I think people generally mean well when they give the compliments. They're acknowledging our weight loss efforts and commenting favorably upon our appearance. I don't think it means anyone has been thinking/saying anything negative about you because when we see people regularly, we don't tend to notice gradual changes--it's when we're away from someone for a bit that we are suddenly aware of any changes when we see them again. That's probably what happened in your case. :smile:
    Also--keep in mind that they may feel as though you expect them to comment. I know when I got a 8 inches taken off my hair with a different hairstyle, I expected people to comment upon it. When they didn't, I started to assume that they weren't commenting because they thought "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Then I got paranoid that my new do looked terrible.

    Maybe for both of us, it's a matter of self esteem in some ways??? :glasses:

    You are completely correct, and I am more poking fun at my own emotional reaction than seriously criticizing others for their comments.

    We all have reflexive "emotional" reactions to situations in addition to our more carefully controlled "intellectual" reactions. I try to be aware of my "human" side, even if I make sure that the "intellect" rules.
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
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    Don't get me wrong--I'm pretty self sufficient emotionally and 95% of me is amused by human behavior and the odd things that people do that they think are trying to "be nice", but come off differently.

    And most of the time I am more than happy to enjoy my new look--I feel a lot more self-satisfaction than I do embarrassment. A lot more.

    But I also find that I am MUCH more sensitive, understanding, empathetic, etc to others who are overweight--whether it's people I know or strangers on the street.

    And that, as they say, is a good thing.

    I was afraid I would get the holier than thou attitude once the weight was gone. I mean, if I can do it, why can't you?

    I think MFP has kept me grounded and instead I want to share if they ask......and love them no matter what. I always think of their health. I feel SO GOOD............I want to share it.

    :flowerforyou:
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
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    YES I'm sure. and YES, I look great now... but was I that repulsing before? My parents and in-laws tend to tip-toe around my eating habits - always asking what special foods I want, will you eat this, you pick the restaurant, etc. It's like they don't trust me around food - even though I've maintained for 8 months.

    We were just at my in-laws in NC last month. I never looked at it as my mother-in-law tip-toing around our eating habits. More so, I was thrilled that she respected what we have done in weight loss and that she wanted to encourage us.

    People did not notice when I was thirty pounds down, now I get compliments all the time. Did I look that bad?.... YES I DID. Do I look better now? YES I DO. And when I drop even more weight, I want them to say WOW...you've come a long way!!! If they were saying nasty things about me when I was 72 lbs heavier, they were right. I am just glad they kept those comments to themselves.

    One of the guys at work asked me how much I wanted to lose. I told him that when he drooled when I walked past his desk, it would be enough!:laugh: :laugh:
  • hedkie
    hedkie Posts: 25 Member
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    Azdak I think your post was very intelligent and I can relate to your ambivalence. In fact, I'm so squeamish about the politics of weight loss and the changing vicissitudes of conversation when someone who's lost or gained a lot is in the room that I decided I didn't want to lose my weight too quickly. Instead I am going very slowly, losing only about 1/2 pound a week (I've lost 16 pounds so far), and although I'm sure some people have noticed, so far there has been little or no conversation. I know for some people that might be disappointing but for me it's great, not least of all because I wouldn't want to make any of my friends who'd like to lose a few feel bad by comparison. Just because I want to lose weight doesn't necessarily mean I want to support the weight-obsession of our society.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    I have no problem accepting the compliments on my weight loss without a glint of embarrassment or anger, but I've found this time around, not many people are commenting...I assume it's because they've all seen me lose large amounts of weight in the past and never keep it off. I'm usually the one telling them, "You know, I've lost xx pounds." My weakness lies in the fact that I need people to notice and comment.

    On the other side of things, I do get the, "You can't eat that, you're on a diet" comments. Like the other day when I was telling my sister about this oatmeal cookie mix I had picked up on sale, and she asked who was going to eat them, and then told me I couldn't because I was on a diet. That's my fault though for making sure everyone knows it. :smile:
  • lizzys
    lizzys Posts: 841 Member
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    i know how you fill. i felt the same way when i was young .if i looked bad than how i can. i look good now.now that im older i know the difference between looking healthy or looking bloated...right now you would think i was a football player a guard to be exact for a woman that is soOOOO BAD IF SOME ONE TELL S ME I LOOK GOOD I WILL FEEL SO GOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
  • briblue72
    briblue72 Posts: 672 Member
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    On the other side of things, I do get the, "You can't eat that, you're on a diet" comments. Like the other day when I was telling my sister about this oatmeal cookie mix I had picked up on sale, and she asked who was going to eat them, and then told me I couldn't because I was on a diet. That's my fault though for making sure everyone knows it. :smile:

    Just because you're "on a diet", doesn't mean you can't eat the cookies. You just shouldn't eat the whole batch yourself.

    I NEVER use the phrase "on a diet" - especially when I'm talking about myself. I've been eating/living healthier for a year and a half now. "On a diet" means eventually, you'll be "off a diet."
    Portion control and awareness is good enough for me.
  • ivykivy
    ivykivy Posts: 2,970 Member
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    It took me about 6 months to get people to understand i don't eat diet food I eat regular food in moderate (most of the time) portions and exercises. I had a loved one who would act as the food police until I just had to tell her is what I'm doing working? Well shut up.

    Last week someone told me they like the fact that I was losing the weight slowly:sad: . I didn't plan it that way. I know it was a compliment but it hurt my feelings
    .
    I have no problem accepting the compliments on my weight loss without a glint of embarrassment or anger, but I've found this time around, not many people are commenting...I assume it's because they've all seen me lose large amounts of weight in the past and never keep it off. I'm usually the one telling them, "You know, I've lost xx pounds." My weakness lies in the fact that I need people to notice and comment.

    On the other side of things, I do get the, "You can't eat that, you're on a diet" comments. Like the other day when I was telling my sister about this oatmeal cookie mix I had picked up on sale, and she asked who was going to eat them, and then told me I couldn't because I was on a diet. That's my fault though for making sure everyone knows it. :smile:
  • shinybonnie
    shinybonnie Posts: 357
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    I went to church today and saw some people I hadn't seen most of the summer, and no one said anything about the fact that I've lost at least 30 pounds since they'd seen me last! It was kind of a bummer... But I have gotten plenty of positive feedback from family, friends, and co-workers. The positive comments give me such a boost!
  • Lose26LbsByXgiving
    Lose26LbsByXgiving Posts: 82
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    Accept it as it is...
    If they say 'you're looking good'.. I would think
    "Hell yeah! I am and I'm proud of myself because I work hard at getting back in shape"
    THE END

    ___
    COUNT DOWN: 5 more day to weight in, have to lose 2.5 lbs.

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