Lonely, but want to be left alone?

ellelit · April 2008

so, i've been trying over the last few weeks to figure out my feelings, and how i feel when i want to overeat. alot of the time i feel lonely.

i went to a girl's night a few weeks ago. (i make handmade stelring silver jewellery as a hobby now, in a vain attempt to keep my hands busy in the evenings, and i thought having a jewellery party, in addition to my website, would be a good way to sell my wares.)

the party is held every week at my coworker's house, and they sit around eating junk food and watching reality TV. sounds fun eh? well i've been invited every week for over a year, and this was the first one i went to. it was ok, i sold some things, ate a whole lot of crap, and was surrounded by 22-25 year old athletes who all weigh no more than about 125 pounds. they shovel in the brownies, candies and cookies with no cares, and everytime i reached for one, i felt like i had to justify why i was eating them. i felt like i was getting looks from them wondering, why is she having a brownie? big fat pig.

ok, so i know, i know. the chances of them saying things like that, or even thinking them for that matter are fairly slim, but one of the main reasons i keep to myself is because i'm scared that is what they are thinking.

so here i sit. alone. lonely? very. content? moderately. comfortable? a part of me wouldn't have it any other way.

i went to a birthday party back in january. it was a fun time. we went out for a fancy dinner, about 15 of us and then went out dancing at a club. sounds fun, right? how fun is it to discover you're the only one out of all your friends who is single. how fun is it to realize you're the fattest person in the bar, including the men? no amount of make up or cleavage baring tops can make up for that. so now what do i do? i don't go.

today is friday. i have my whole weekend planned out.

friday: go to work. come home. eat. watch tv. make some earrings. sleep.
saturday: wake up. eat. go for a walk or swimming. eat. watch tv. eat. sleep
sunday: lather, rinse, repeat.

a big weekend for me is hanging out with my mom. woo. can it be construed as lonliness if it is self inflicted? can you truly be lonely if you have opportunities to socialize, but the stigma of being fat is just too great that you'd rather sit at home and be alone than subject yourself to ridicule and stares?

i had a dream the other night about a man. nameless man, just one of those cuties that pops up every once in a while. it wasn't a sex dream, but more of a cuddling, activities dream. made me think how much i miss that in my life. at the same time, while i might be able to find someone, i don't want to make the mistake i made last time, meeting someone wonderful who loves everything about me so much that they enable me and sabotage my weightloss efforts. i'm not ready for a relationship, so does the lonliness just perpetuate itself?

how does one overcome the burden of lonliness, when they just want to be left alone?

ellelit · April 2008

so, i've been trying over the last few weeks to figure out my feelings, and how i feel when i want to overeat. alot of the time i feel lonely.

i went to a girl's night a few weeks ago. (i make handmade stelring silver jewellery as a hobby now, in a vain attempt to keep my hands busy in the evenings, and i thought having a jewellery party, in addition to my website, would be a good way to sell my wares.)

the party is held every week at my coworker's house, and they sit around eating junk food and watching reality TV. sounds fun eh? well i've been invited every week for over a year, and this was the first one i went to. it was ok, i sold some things, ate a whole lot of crap, and was surrounded by 22-25 year old athletes who all weigh no more than about 125 pounds. they shovel in the brownies, candies and cookies with no cares, and everytime i reached for one, i felt like i had to justify why i was eating them. i felt like i was getting looks from them wondering, why is she having a brownie? big fat pig.

ok, so i know, i know. the chances of them saying things like that, or even thinking them for that matter are fairly slim, but one of the main reasons i keep to myself is because i'm scared that is what they are thinking.

so here i sit. alone. lonely? very. content? moderately. comfortable? a part of me wouldn't have it any other way.

i went to a birthday party back in january. it was a fun time. we went out for a fancy dinner, about 15 of us and then went out dancing at a club. sounds fun, right? how fun is it to discover you're the only one out of all your friends who is single. how fun is it to realize you're the fattest person in the bar, including the men? no amount of make up or cleavage baring tops can make up for that. so now what do i do? i don't go.

today is friday. i have my whole weekend planned out.

friday: go to work. come home. eat. watch tv. make some earrings. sleep.
saturday: wake up. eat. go for a walk or swimming. eat. watch tv. eat. sleep
sunday: lather, rinse, repeat.

a big weekend for me is hanging out with my mom. woo. can it be construed as lonliness if it is self inflicted? can you truly be lonely if you have opportunities to socialize, but the stigma of being fat is just too great that you'd rather sit at home and be alone than subject yourself to ridicule and stares?

i had a dream the other night about a man. nameless man, just one of those cuties that pops up every once in a while. it wasn't a sex dream, but more of a cuddling, activities dream. made me think how much i miss that in my life. at the same time, while i might be able to find someone, i don't want to make the mistake i made last time, meeting someone wonderful who loves everything about me so much that they enable me and sabotage my weightloss efforts. i'm not ready for a relationship, so does the lonliness just perpetuate itself?

how does one overcome the burden of lonliness, when they just want to be left alone?

DjBliss05 · April 2008

I've been where you are at one time or another. I definitely related with feeling like the biggest girl at the club and feeling - eek, invisible! That is the worst when you are single. I have become a one woman radar for guys checking girls out. Never me, but my friends. It hurts every time I see it.

The point is that it isn't that I didn't want to be there. I did! I wanted to be in the center of attention, just like my size two friends. Over time, I realized that maybe bars were only a good idea some of the time. I still go though! My girls are great and I love spending time with them. Dont give that up. Staying at home and hiding will only make things worse. Start living NOW. The weight will come off in time. (As a bonus, I almost always lose a lb or two afer a night of dancing!)

You're beautiful! Work on believing that and find some friends that will remind you often!

Rachel89 · April 2008

sometimes i feel like that too... i have a boyfriend and live with him but i still feel lonely.When he wants to go out i sometimes say no because i feel bad for how i look and i feel like he is enbarressed to be seen with me even though i KNOW that he is not and loves me very much... but i know the feeling that you are having...
My friends always want to go out and do something but i think to myself i don't want to go out because someone is going to think that i am disgusting and i look like crap, because i am overweight!

Its like that is all i think that people think about me when really most the time people don't look at what your body looks like... most people are just looking at if you are fun to be around and are a good time!

BlazinEmerald · April 2008

I know how you feel as I feel the same. You FEEL people watching your every move, when in reality they could probably care less. I've stopped myself from doing many fun things because of self conciousness and embarassment, and now realize I not only harm myself doing this , I've also harmed my family. My son begssssssssssss me to take him swimming. He cant swim yet which means i have to get in the water with him. Do you know how many excusses Ive given that poor little boy. But then there are others who are big like us who have the confidence of the world. I often wonder just what the hell they have to be so happy and joyous about when they are as fat as I am. Love thy self - thats a hard thing to accomplish for alot of people, a major one for me. When Im down on myself I certainly dont love or appreciate me nor do I expect others to. You feel unwanted so you build your life around that. I am married to a great man and have a great kid , but when those feelings sneak up its hard to deny them. I push my husband away and make up reasons for why he seems so distant from me when in fact I placed him there. It's a hard battle, all we can do is try try try, work for and pray for the day that we can accept ourselves as others do. Best of luck to you sweetheart I know what your going thru.

chriss1tt · April 2008

Please Please Please. Don't make the same mistake I did. For the past 15 or so years i gave up on life. I used to go out and have fun. Yes I still had the weight problem then but i also had fun. Then one day, for unknown reasons to me, i gave up. No life. The only love was from my family. I did this to myself.

I lost contact with really good friends. I cannot get that time back. It makes me sooo sad. Life is way toooo short to waste on what others may think about us. So please, don't give up. You are young and beautiful and you have a purpose for being here. Stick with it and keep us updated. many hugs for you.

Theresa35 · April 2008

Hello! First of all, good for you in trying to figure out your feelings as that will lead you to realize some of your eating habits and once recognized, you can create new, healthier avenues and be on your way to a healthier physical and emotional you! As a divorced mom of three kids, my house is most of the time crazy...except for when the kids are at their dads, and then I have plenty of free time, and sometimes it is too much. All of my friends are married and I don't want to intrude on their weekend family time. I have spent more carefree time with my mom than I'd like to admit too...LOL. But thankfully they are always there when we need them! I could feel my heart tug when you talked about your dream and the longing for affection..I feel the same way, I miss it. I'm not telling you to go find all new friends (well, I kinda am..LOL) but the girl night just sounds like a recipe for disaster. And keep in mind that just because they don't appear to be at an unhealthy weight, it doesn't mean they are healthy. It would just be too hard for me to put myself in that situation and not over indulge. Do you belong to a gym or the Y or go to any group exercise classes??? That might be a good place to start some friendships. At least you know the people there are concerned about their health. Or, are there any other types of "classes" or activities you've always wanted to try? I read a quote once that I have kept with me and I at first thought it was about men-women relationships, but I just realized that it also talks about learning to love yourself. It goes..."Do what you love, and love will find you". Find something you are passionate about and you will soon be blessed with happiness and a new view of yourself. Take this time to focus on you, in a positive way, and the outcome will be well worth it.

I wish you the best...Many blessings...

ehorner1976 · April 2008

This is one discussion I didn't want to be left out of. In one since it made me want to cry and in another since It made me happy. I feel the same so often, I have been so paranoid at the grocery store, feeling like everyone is summing up what I buy. I have felt quite a bit better since I have started trying to do something about it. I actually almost started to back out of my walk last night because I happened to catch my side view in the mirror on the way. Then I thought what the heck, that should give me more reason to want to walk. Good Luck to you and just know you aren't alone as I read your post all I could think was that it sounded exactly like me

Phatmomma · April 2008

Tough Love Alert-:mad: Ever tried thinking of others when youare feeling down about yourself? Your weight? When I start spending too much time feeling oh woe is me, I think about others and how I might bring some joy to them for that day and in turn I feel joyfilled.
Just a suggestion, that might cure you of the loneliness and keep you busy andand your mind off food-VOLUNTEER. You could share your hobby with underpriveleged little ones, you could mentor-there is some young girl going through the same issues you are. Some child who has lost their father too. Who could use you to look up too. Don't like kids? There is some senior citizen who has outlived their children or never had any who could use just a little of the love you have to give.
Grab a book and read it at the local children's hospital. Wanna really have the motivation to stop overeating-bag up a few bags of the stuff you shouldn't be eating or intentionally shop for food-to give to someone or an organization that could use it. Nothing stops gluttony like serving food at a soup kitchen and realizing while we overeat and CAN their are people who cannot eat every single day the basic staples.
Sometimes to love ourselves we have to realize we are capable of loving others and in turn receiving love.
Just try it. We can use you out there in the land of volunteers!:flowerforyou:

may_marie · April 2008

You're beautiful! Work on believing that and find some friends that will remind you often!

i totaly agree with that, from you picture you look extremly pretty, i know that its not much to hear it from other people, because until you actualy mean it for yourself you wont believe it. but sometimes its good to hear it from other people. you ARE beautiful

I am lonely too, most of the times i think that i'm alone in the world, where i live i see a nice view of a city and i see the world go by and then i fell even more lonely, then sometimes i realize that i am not the only one thats lonely. my loneliness is mostly by choice too. well, now that i've pushed everything away so much its not really by choice anymore. bu i have learned a lot from my boyfriend. he doesnt have much friends, hes a bit of a hermit when you think about it. but hes extremly happy. there is something serene about it. a detachement from need to have. have a busy social life, have the latest gadget, have everything that the society tells us we need, i use to feel down and sad because i didnt have many friends, or rather, i didnt have the type of friends that go out and drink and do all the things that a young person should do, i have friends that live far away, but are closer to me than i could ever dream of, we donttalk everyday or see each other often, but somethings links us deeper then what a normal friendship brings, and i'm happy with that.

I have been reading a lot of your posts lately, and i really feel for you, i think that there isnt too many people that will understand that its not really a choice that you make when you binge, its like an addiction, like any other addiction, i know coz i've done it too. and your dead right about binging when you feel lonely coz i did the same, but its all stop when i make amends with being alone, when i understood that i didnt need to have a busy social life to be happy, and when i understood that its about the simple things in life that keeps me happy, like a walk on a beach on a nice day. of when theres a nice sunset on my city view, a drive on the country side or just a good workout at the swimming pool.

like you i started to do something arty to keep me busy, i paint and that too makes me happy.
here, i've posted pics my city view and my latest painting

find in you what makes you happy, i used to think that eating made me happy, but really it made me unhappy. it was my drug, i just numbed myself with food,

may

splenda · April 2008

i don't know if you go to the gym, and classes, or workout on your own turf, but going to the gym (while intimidating with all those skinnies- I go in morning to avoid them) does provide in some instances people your own weight, and wishing to loose weight. Maybe get talking to them, and after being a fitness buddy, then you'll have some new friends to go out with, and since none of you would stick out like a sore thumb, hopefully you would be more confident in everyday life.

:flowerforyou: Good luck and Feel better okay :flowerforyou:

ellelit · April 2008

thanks everyone for all of your encouragement. i really appreciate it

cinandchris · April 2008

You are a beautiful girl and obviously a very likable person or your coworkers would not keep inviting you places. I think they see you in a much higher light than you see yourself. It's ok to like to be alone sometimes. We all need that. Try to get past the worrying what other people think cause you may be surprised to find out they don't care what you weigh, they just like you and want you around. I hope you feel better soon. Keep us posted, it is obvious that a lot of people here care about what you are going thru. :flowerforyou:

Lonely, but want to be left alone?

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