Why Men Love *****es

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Replies

  • shammxo
    shammxo Posts: 1,432 Member
    LOVE this. I've not read the book yet, but after reading this I think I will.
    Right now I'm focusing on myself. 2012 is my year. I'm not looking for a boyfriend and I'm trying to establish myself as an individual without crutches. I think that by getting into a better relationship with myself, and learning to love myself, I am going to be able to have a good, healthy and functional relationship when I'm ready. It is really important to have your own things going on, and not to base your life around someone else. I am DONE letting people mistreat me.

    You can't really love someone else until you get right with yourself.
  • solarpower03
    solarpower03 Posts: 12,161 Member
    It's extended title is From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A woman's guide to holding her own in the relationship. It compares the b*tch to a girl who is "too nice", who gives up her own goals, hobbies, friends to have him solely in her life. Whereas, she describes the btch as not the stereotypical definition or what one may think but a woman who is not just existing for her man. She is strong and keeps her own in her life, not trying to compete with other women for a man's affection or changing herself for someone. She is comfortable in her skin and is happy whether or not he is in her life or not. The "nice girl" who sacrifices so much up front, once the relationship is done, is left with little to nothing and wondering what went wrong when she had been so wonderful and cared so much.

    I just could find myself relating to this so much. I completely lost myself for a whole year. My relationships with friends suffered, my health suffered, my job suffered, I never got the certifications I wanted to study hard to get - I fell into this trap. It was just the first book I read where I was reading through all the "principles" the author laid out and was agreeing with (almost everything) that shows neediness from a woman.

    Anyways... its helping me to see the forest through the trees and not fear a life going forward without my ex-boyfriend. Does that help a bit?

    It is much simpler than that I guess. It is more of supply and demand and the bargaining power ensuing from this in the relationship.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    Hmmmff--seems sexist to me, in that all men and women really want is someone to love them unconditionally with mutual respect--why these books come out trying to "empower" one group or another is really beyond me.

    ^I do agree with the principle you're putting across here, though. I hate 'women power' kinda things, tbh. But I do think the book isn't one of those kinda books, not that I've read it.
  • HarlCarl
    HarlCarl Posts: 266 Member
    IMHO, only the A**holes like the *****es. :noway:
  • achampionsheart
    achampionsheart Posts: 1,020 Member
    The best relationship is where both love the other more than they need them.

    well said
  • KristenStone
    KristenStone Posts: 106 Member
    I haven't read it yet, but my friend just went through a breakup and she highly recommends this book! She lives by it.
  • Meggles63
    Meggles63 Posts: 916 Member
    I just don't like independent women being defined as *****es! Totally untrue and unfair.
  • kate_sunflower
    kate_sunflower Posts: 152 Member
    Personally, I hate *****es, but I love ****ies, which is what I thought this thread was about before clicking.

    LOL. MFP censored it because I forgot to.
  • kate_sunflower
    kate_sunflower Posts: 152 Member
    I just don't like independent women being defined as *****es! Totally untrue and unfair.

    Read the book and you'll see it's not like that at all.
  • kate_sunflower
    kate_sunflower Posts: 152 Member
    I haven't read the book, but I totally relate. I broke up with my boyfriend 6 days ago. The relationship had burnt out to mere ash, and I was desperately unhappy, and I suspect he was too. When I met him, I was independent, confident and sure of myself.

    However, the more we fell in love, the more dependent I got. I completely cut everyone out, spent ALL my time with him, was super emotional about everything, put on weight, and felt generally weak, depressed and scared. I was constantly doing things for him, yet taking the matyr stance. And, yes, I was a doormat. He made me cry/called me names more than once and I put up with it. I had no bloody idea what was wrong with me.

    We've now broken up and I feel GREAT! I feel stronger than I have in months, confident and more emotionally stable. I just feel amazing right now.

    Either he was toxic, or I was, or perhaps we both were, but all I know is I'm better off out of it. And men are noticing me again - guess I'm giving off a better vibe (+ the weight loss :laugh:)

    I think you'd like this book! Sounds like you and I went through a lot of the same emotions during out relationships.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    It compares the b*tch to a girl who is "too nice", who gives up her own goals, hobbies, friends to have him solely in her life.
    I just could find myself relating to this so much.

    Same here! I have two roommates with boyfriends.
    One is a doormat in her relationship- drops everything for him, is always soooo concerned about him. He was over the other night and made a comment that he is hungry, and she got up, saying "what can I make you? Eggs, spaghetti, etc?" It was ridiculous. He is a grown man! She ditches her friends when we ask her to hang out with us to spend time with him and doesn't even have the balls to tell us to our face - rather, she'll disappear and then say "oh im over at his house for the night" instead of saying it to our face.

    My other roommate - she loves her boyfriend, but they are not attached at the hip. She does a lot of stuff without him. She likes when he is there, but it isn't necessary for her to have a good time. If he says he's hungry, she says, "Go make something to eat then." If she is going to hang out with him, she tell us "No, sorry, I already have plans with the BF tonight."

    The second relationship is the relationship I want.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    I don't think books help at all, but if it is part of your therapy, it's ok. In the end though, you just have to be you and find someone that compliments you.

    Don't be a victim. Just be you.

    It's like women that are attracted to bad boys and are surprised when he cheats or whatever. To me, there are two ways to deal with it, 1) stop liking bad boys, or 2) realize that your bad boy is going to do things you do not like, and that is your life. This is just an example.

    Break ups suck. I don't think I've ever been in a break up where I had to look at myself and wonder where I went wrong or go buy self-help books. Maybe that's a girl thing, IDK. When I break up, I know why because I've thought a lot about it. And, that's it.

    Maybe you're not getting many responses because a lot of people don't look at self-help books after a break up? IDK.

    Good luck. I'd just say to let time go by and be yourself.

    You might think this is an insensitive post. It's really not intended that way. It's more of a guys view. Throw away the book and relax. Lol.

    It's not insensitive, it's helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to respond! It has been hard and I think the book helped me get out of a deep hole because I lost myself so, so badly and I'm trying to get the "old Kate back".. but also better and much improved.

    My therapy was also getting a little puppy last week! I've wanted a dog since graduating college but I finally bit the bullet and did it - now he's the #1 man in my life right now!

    That's awesome. After my divorce, I got a tattoo to remind me to be me and never lose sight of who I am regardless of my life situation. That's also what Neverstary means. Just stay true to myself.
  • docdrd
    docdrd Posts: 174 Member
    For what it is worth, I think that to some extent, we never outgrow some bad habits. So as little children, we push our parents to test limits and see what we can get away with. Similarly, if we are in a relationship where one person has all the power and the other just lets them get away with it, the first person will often continue to test the limits of that because there is no push back. I think most men respect women that are independent (I know I do). I think if you look at it in that context, it may help you stand up for yourself more, because I know you would set limits for children. Cheers!
  • kate_sunflower
    kate_sunflower Posts: 152 Member
    It compares the b*tch to a girl who is "too nice", who gives up her own goals, hobbies, friends to have him solely in her life.
    I just could find myself relating to this so much.

    Same here! I have two roommates with boyfriends.
    One is a doormat in her relationship- drops everything for him, is always soooo concerned about him. He was over the other night and made a comment that he is hungry, and she got up, saying "what can I make you? Eggs, spaghetti, etc?" It was ridiculous. He is a grown man! She ditches her friends when we ask her to hang out with us to spend time with him and doesn't even have the balls to tell us to our face - rather, she'll disappear and then say "oh im over at his house for the night" instead of saying it to our face.

    My other roommate - she loves her boyfriend, but they are not attached at the hip. She does a lot of stuff without him. She likes when he is there, but it isn't necessary for her to have a good time. If he says he's hungry, she says, "Go make something to eat then." If she is going to hang out with him, she tell us "No, sorry, I already have plans with the BF tonight."

    The second relationship is the relationship I want.

    Wow me too. That girl's got her head screwed on straight for sure.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    I read that as well as He's Just Not That into You and it TOTALLY changed me. I dated very differently after that--dated less, but better quality. Now I'm in a very healthy, loving relationship. We have alone time, we have together time, we communicate, we enjoy doing the same things, we call each other on BS, we take care of each other, we are a team. I am sooo grateful to the authors of those books and happy for you since you got the chance to read them!
  • Meggles63
    Meggles63 Posts: 916 Member
    I just don't like independent women being defined as *****es! Totally untrue and unfair.

    Read the book and you'll see it's not like that at all.
    Your own description of the book implied that. Frankly, I'm just not into reading self-help books...would prefer to actually do it on my own :smile:
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    I haven't read the book, but I totally relate. I broke up with my boyfriend 6 days ago. The relationship had burnt out to mere ash, and I was desperately unhappy, and I suspect he was too. When I met him, I was independent, confident and sure of myself.

    However, the more we fell in love, the more dependent I got. I completely cut everyone out, spent ALL my time with him, was super emotional about everything, put on weight, and felt generally weak, depressed and scared. I was constantly doing things for him, yet taking the matyr stance. And, yes, I was a doormat. He made me cry/called me names more than once and I put up with it. I had no bloody idea what was wrong with me.

    We've now broken up and I feel GREAT! I feel stronger than I have in months, confident and more emotionally stable. I just feel amazing right now.

    Either he was toxic, or I was, or perhaps we both were, but all I know is I'm better off out of it. And men are noticing me again - guess I'm giving off a better vibe (+ the weight loss :laugh:)

    I think you'd like this book! Sounds like you and I went through a lot of the same emotions during out relationships.

    I think I would too! And I also believe we did. It was a difficult time for me, and it was drawn out and painful. But I am in a much better place now! I don't want anything to do with him.
  • solarpower4
    solarpower4 Posts: 250 Member
    I just don't like independent women being defined as *****es! Totally untrue and unfair.

    ***** Agree 100%. *****

    Also, sometimes little cues in the beginning of a relationship really set the tone without one side (or either side) being fully aware of it, especially if different cultures are involved. I don't just mean different countries' cultures; I include differences such as the culture of the Deep South in the US vs the Northeast in the US.
  • StephTheBookworm
    StephTheBookworm Posts: 177 Member
    I've seen this book around quite a bit actually (I'm a librarian), but I've never read it. It does sound good though, and I'm glad to hear it's helped you out! Some people on here are dissing self-help books, but I think it's great! Whatever helps you through, ya know? I too went through a breakup a few months ago... got out of a very bad five year relationship that really dragged me down. Without him in my life, I learned to be a stronger and happier person because I didn't have that toxic person pulling me down with him anymore. One day you'll find someone who truly deserves you and treats you with the respect and love that you deserve. I have, and you will too when the time is right! :flowerforyou: Good luck, girl!
  • GetFitE
    GetFitE Posts: 247 Member
    I read the book a long time ago and while it had some good points, it didn't seem to stick with me much--the book that REALLY helped me get a clue when I was going through a break up was "It's Called A Break Up because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. I STRONGLY recommend this one! It adds a lot of humor, which also helps with getting over the break up (or at least it helped me). I don't know if the book taught me this or what--but I know that since reading the book, I give myself 3 days to a week to get over a relationship--if HE broke up with me, he's OBVIOUSLY not thinking about me anymore, so no need to waste time thinking about him. 3 days to cry, let it all out, emotionally eat, not exercise and stay in my room--and then I move on and get back to life and hop back in the gym (that's just me).
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    I read the book a long time ago and while it had some good points, it didn't seem to stick with me much--the book that REALLY helped me get a clue when I was going through a break up was "It's Called A Break Up because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. I STRONGLY recommend this one! It adds a lot of humor, which also helps with getting over the break up (or at least it helped me). I don't know if the book taught me this or what--but I know that since reading the book, I give myself 3 days to a week to get over a relationship--if HE broke up with me, he's OBVIOUSLY not thinking about me anymore, so no need to waste time thinking about him. 3 days to cry, let it all out, emotionally eat, not exercise and stay in my room--and then I move on and get back to life and hop back in the gym (that's just me).

    I read that one TOO! I have read so many relationship books lol
  • ihateroses
    ihateroses Posts: 893 Member
    Men love confidence, women love confidence. Confidence stems from accepting yourself as you are.

    I'm not a fan of these books that tell women and men how to act around each other because all that turns into games and doubt.
  • kate_sunflower
    kate_sunflower Posts: 152 Member
    I read the book a long time ago and while it had some good points, it didn't seem to stick with me much--the book that REALLY helped me get a clue when I was going through a break up was "It's Called A Break Up because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. I STRONGLY recommend this one! It adds a lot of humor, which also helps with getting over the break up (or at least it helped me). I don't know if the book taught me this or what--but I know that since reading the book, I give myself 3 days to a week to get over a relationship--if HE broke up with me, he's OBVIOUSLY not thinking about me anymore, so no need to waste time thinking about him. 3 days to cry, let it all out, emotionally eat, not exercise and stay in my room--and then I move on and get back to life and hop back in the gym (that's just me).

    I also have that one (I've been collecting from my friends) but I stopped reading it because at the time I wanted him back. Well, I have a much different mindset now so I think I would get a lot more out of it.
  • yherrman
    yherrman Posts: 19
    I used to be exactly like that. You are lucky(perhaps?:tongue: ) I had found my spine again by the time we got together

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