Maybe it is wrong, but I'm resorting to trickery....
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HotAshMess
Posts: 382 Member
(WARNING: long post! Sorry!)
So here's my situation...I'm trying to lose weight and have some issues with a binge eating disorder and a chronic sweet tooth. I know that I don't eat as many fruits, veggies and whole grains as I would like. But I'm trying to make swaps for better foods as I go along and learn new things. I'm trying to cut down sugar, but still eat like a normal person aka everything in moderation but trying to eat as much as I can and feeling full. I've learned not to keep sugary or greasy snacks in the house, and if I think I HAVE to have them I try to buy them in single servings or I get myself a serving (or two) and put the rest away. I've lost 18 pounds so far with MFP....even with my (logged!) binges and more than rare bad day.
The problem I'm having is my boyfriend...who is incredibly overweight, openly complains about it, but doesn't seem interested in making a change AT ALL. Which is fine, I understand that he needs to make the decision on his own...but I wish that his choice to be unhealthy wasn't impacting me. For example, at first he was super annoyed that I am always "playing with my phone" (adding recipes, logging food, ect). Now is doesn't say anything when I'm doing it, and even encourages me to measure my food. Which is good, but when he cooks he wont measure anything or let me be nearby so I can measure things so my recipe calculations will be correct....and he has no concept of a cup, or a half a cup....if he says he put in a cup of milk, it is more like 1 3/4 or 2 cups. He insists on bringing awful stuff into my house even after I've asked him not to because I lose control...he brings junk into the house because he was craving it, in sizes he wont eat in one sitting, then leaves it on the counter (watching Zombieland makes me want Twinkies even though I don't really care for them, we watched it one night and the next day he brought over a huge pack, ate 2 and left them on the counter then left for the weekend). If we go grocery shopping together and I try to buy a single serving of a treat to split or share or if I try to buy the quality version versus the quantity version, he argues with me over the "small" portion size or the cost (even when he isn't paying for it!) because the gigantic family size is cheaper than the single serving size per ounce....or if I try to buy the light or low fat version, he flips it around and compares the calories and will loudly and sarcastically say things like "come on! you're only saving 30 calories!" When I cook, he complains about all the "ucky stuff" aka vegetables. Last week I made my should be famous chicken pot pie with garlic cheddar jalapeno biscuit crust (9 servings of about 1 1/2 to 2 cups maybe-529 calories)....he picked out everything green, threw it on my plate (which messes with the serving size!), told me I put too much "ucky stuff" in it and then proceeded to eat 3-4 servings sans green veggies in one sitting. He wont switch from white to brown (although he has started eating brown rice, he refuses to even try things like quinoa or smooth wheat bread). The thing that really gets me though is when I try to make something healthier by making a small switch and all I get is complaints....if I use something low calorie/fat free/sugar free/high fiber/more nutritious he will taste it....then kind of push it against the roof of his mouth and roll it around a bit in his mouth and then tell me it "tastes funny" or the texture is "Weird".
So...I've been sneaky. It's hard for me to watch him SHOVEL in 5 servings of something while I'm holding myself to 1 (or I admit, 2) and feeling like I'm not getting enough or like I have to shovel in as fast as he does so I will actually get some (also part of the problem, I can't eat and truly enjoy my food because in the event that I would like and can have seconds I go back to find that they are gone!). I substituted 3/4 of a cup of Splenda for sugar in koolaid one day before he came over, and he never noticed. I've also been doing things like using milk in the mashed potatoes...where he would have used sour cream and even asked me if I used sour cream-yes, I lied. I've decided to resort to all out trickery. I've found that some things he notices, other things he doesn't...but it is important that he doesn't know or he will for sure act like a child, tell me it tastes funny and refuse to eat it. This is ridiculous. I'm aware. But If he is going to be eating at my house, things need to be a little more "my way" or this isn't to going to work anymore. So what I'm asking for is some advice...I've found articles online about making purees to add to foods, but that seems like an awful lot of work. Does anyone have ways of making things healthier, swapping healthier alternatives for sugar and grease, adding fruits or vegetables in a way that isn't completely obvious?
P.S. Yes I've talked with him about it. He lets me talk, agrees with me, promises to be supportive, then proceeds to nag at me for eating something he doesn't consider "diet friendly" for one day then disregards everything I said after that. The truth is... he doesn't want me to lose weight because he likes larger women. I think part of it is about insecurity and not just about attraction preferences. I also think that he wants to "provide" for me, but doesn't know how to other than bring home food. I just don't know how to communicate that I need change in a way that he will understand, accept and be truly supportive of!
So here's my situation...I'm trying to lose weight and have some issues with a binge eating disorder and a chronic sweet tooth. I know that I don't eat as many fruits, veggies and whole grains as I would like. But I'm trying to make swaps for better foods as I go along and learn new things. I'm trying to cut down sugar, but still eat like a normal person aka everything in moderation but trying to eat as much as I can and feeling full. I've learned not to keep sugary or greasy snacks in the house, and if I think I HAVE to have them I try to buy them in single servings or I get myself a serving (or two) and put the rest away. I've lost 18 pounds so far with MFP....even with my (logged!) binges and more than rare bad day.
The problem I'm having is my boyfriend...who is incredibly overweight, openly complains about it, but doesn't seem interested in making a change AT ALL. Which is fine, I understand that he needs to make the decision on his own...but I wish that his choice to be unhealthy wasn't impacting me. For example, at first he was super annoyed that I am always "playing with my phone" (adding recipes, logging food, ect). Now is doesn't say anything when I'm doing it, and even encourages me to measure my food. Which is good, but when he cooks he wont measure anything or let me be nearby so I can measure things so my recipe calculations will be correct....and he has no concept of a cup, or a half a cup....if he says he put in a cup of milk, it is more like 1 3/4 or 2 cups. He insists on bringing awful stuff into my house even after I've asked him not to because I lose control...he brings junk into the house because he was craving it, in sizes he wont eat in one sitting, then leaves it on the counter (watching Zombieland makes me want Twinkies even though I don't really care for them, we watched it one night and the next day he brought over a huge pack, ate 2 and left them on the counter then left for the weekend). If we go grocery shopping together and I try to buy a single serving of a treat to split or share or if I try to buy the quality version versus the quantity version, he argues with me over the "small" portion size or the cost (even when he isn't paying for it!) because the gigantic family size is cheaper than the single serving size per ounce....or if I try to buy the light or low fat version, he flips it around and compares the calories and will loudly and sarcastically say things like "come on! you're only saving 30 calories!" When I cook, he complains about all the "ucky stuff" aka vegetables. Last week I made my should be famous chicken pot pie with garlic cheddar jalapeno biscuit crust (9 servings of about 1 1/2 to 2 cups maybe-529 calories)....he picked out everything green, threw it on my plate (which messes with the serving size!), told me I put too much "ucky stuff" in it and then proceeded to eat 3-4 servings sans green veggies in one sitting. He wont switch from white to brown (although he has started eating brown rice, he refuses to even try things like quinoa or smooth wheat bread). The thing that really gets me though is when I try to make something healthier by making a small switch and all I get is complaints....if I use something low calorie/fat free/sugar free/high fiber/more nutritious he will taste it....then kind of push it against the roof of his mouth and roll it around a bit in his mouth and then tell me it "tastes funny" or the texture is "Weird".
So...I've been sneaky. It's hard for me to watch him SHOVEL in 5 servings of something while I'm holding myself to 1 (or I admit, 2) and feeling like I'm not getting enough or like I have to shovel in as fast as he does so I will actually get some (also part of the problem, I can't eat and truly enjoy my food because in the event that I would like and can have seconds I go back to find that they are gone!). I substituted 3/4 of a cup of Splenda for sugar in koolaid one day before he came over, and he never noticed. I've also been doing things like using milk in the mashed potatoes...where he would have used sour cream and even asked me if I used sour cream-yes, I lied. I've decided to resort to all out trickery. I've found that some things he notices, other things he doesn't...but it is important that he doesn't know or he will for sure act like a child, tell me it tastes funny and refuse to eat it. This is ridiculous. I'm aware. But If he is going to be eating at my house, things need to be a little more "my way" or this isn't to going to work anymore. So what I'm asking for is some advice...I've found articles online about making purees to add to foods, but that seems like an awful lot of work. Does anyone have ways of making things healthier, swapping healthier alternatives for sugar and grease, adding fruits or vegetables in a way that isn't completely obvious?
P.S. Yes I've talked with him about it. He lets me talk, agrees with me, promises to be supportive, then proceeds to nag at me for eating something he doesn't consider "diet friendly" for one day then disregards everything I said after that. The truth is... he doesn't want me to lose weight because he likes larger women. I think part of it is about insecurity and not just about attraction preferences. I also think that he wants to "provide" for me, but doesn't know how to other than bring home food. I just don't know how to communicate that I need change in a way that he will understand, accept and be truly supportive of!
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Replies
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Probably not what you want to read, but here it is.
He's trying to control you and doing a damn good job of it. Stop giving in. So he whines and complains. Let him. He's a big boy and can make his own food if yours has too much "yucky stuff" in it. When it keeps up, and it wiil, you're going to have to decide what's more important to you - him or you.0 -
I have a variation on this theme. My boyfriend likes to eat out ALL THE TIME. I mean, really, all the time. And, he likes to take me out. I've been trying to be super disciplined when we're not together and then allowing myself to eat out with him. But, I'm not really enjoying it. I know I'm consuming calories that aren't worth it when we eat out. I'd much rather cook a meal that I enjoy and know what I'm consuming. So, tonight, and I've been talking abou this all week, even though I'm going to be at his place, I will go grocery shopping in the afternoon and cook him a meal tonight. I sell this as a bit of a romantic treat for us. But, I've also just spelled it out. Look honey, I'm losing 2 pounds every week, and gaining 2 pounds every weekend.
It doesn't sound like you can have the same sort of conversation with your sweetie. But, I think your "cheating and trickery" are right on course. In fact, it's not unlike how we sneak veggies into our kid's diets.
And, if you start carrying your own healthy food with you and setting the rules at your house, he'll come around, I'm sure.0 -
I understand doing swaps, but why does he have to know what's in it? just ask him if he likes it, if yes, then thats that. If you don't like it, say why first before i tell you what i did. Sounds like he might be subconciously upset that you're making the change for a better you while he isn't. I wish you the best. Hopefully you guys can work this out.0
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aw honey it is hard! I still have some resistance to my choices, but less and less often. (hubby and 3 sons who do not need to loose anything though, lucky them.) I absolutely had to have sweets every day. EVERY DAY and then some. I started buying Russell Stover sugar free chocolate, so yummy, and yep, switching out stuff. we even had a few weeks (or maybe it was months?) where I made what I made, and sometimes I would be the only one to eat it. I had to play hardball with these 4 stubborn males. Eat what I make, or make it yourself. I took the opportunity to teach them all to cook. worked out pretty well.
After I had lost about 40 pounds, and felt so good, I think my husband realized that this time I was serious, not just doing a fad and back to the old habits. he began not adding the "bad" stuff until after i had taken my portion. they still don't know that there is pureed veggies in the spagetti sauce, or that I used "carb quik" low carb biscuit mix for my tea biscuits...
but if it comes to a point where he will NOT do as he says, and continues to act like a child, you might need to take a hard look at the relationship. I am not saying dump him because he likes to eat. but, you need to look at the future. how do you build a future with someone who may be cutting theirs short? we want to, but we cannot save people. we can only try to influence them by a good example.
Imagine if you were living together...0 -
Start throwing out the junk he brings over. Don't go grocery shopping with him. If he doesn't like what you've made to eat, tell him to fix his own food--and if you don't like the way he cooks things, don't eat it, make your own. Be kind, but be firm. You don't want to live that way anymore, and you are improving yourself. Don't let him control you and make you feel guilty for creating a healthier life for yourself. He will either catch on, or you might just have to move on.0
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Wow, great post. Thank you for sharing, I'm sure a lot of people are going to be able to relate.
I'm pretty sure this is a really really common situation that alcoholics and drug users face when they try to get sober. Stay with me- I'm not trying to insult you at all I promise. But the situation is similar to family members drinking around a newly sober person and asking them to pick them up at the bar, etc. It's horrible and he shouldn't be doing it to you. I know you've talked to him, but maybe he doesn't fully understand the gravity of the situation??
I bet you could find some literature about how to deal with family members WRT food addiction online. I'll dig in to it a little and report back. I'm not saying that you have a food addiction either, just that the literature about it might help your situation.0 -
To be totally honest, it sounds to me like he's worried that you'll leave him if you lose weight, so he's trying to control you like another poster said.0
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In YOUR house you have control over what foods are brought into YOUR house. Don't let him get you down. You have to take control over your eating habits and I know how hard it can be when you are tempted to eat all those high calorie foods. He really isn't helpin you and you need to help yourself. How you go about that is your choice.0
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OMG. I am in the exact same position. My boyfriend (we live together) is a big guy. I mean, big. Like, 6'3 and weighs at leasst 350, maybe 400lbs. He's insecure about his weight but refuses to do anything. He can barely walk down the block because he complains about his knees hurting. He jokes about how he hopes he dies of a heart attack at a young age, and how it's so awesome how fat he is. Then he complains when I lose weight because he thinks (not thinks - knows) i'm too good for him and thinks I will leave him for someone else. So basically he wants me to stay fat so that I can't "do better." It's very annoying. I try to show him some of the success stories on here about really large people that have lost a ton, but he doesn't care or he's too lazy. Also, like your boyfriend, my boyfriend wants to be the breadwinner and feel like hes providing for me or whatever, so he likes to take me out to dinner a lot. He thinks going out is cheaper than buying groceries (probably because I'm the one that buys the groceries so he has no concept of how much it costs, i don't even take him shopping with me anymore so i can buy what i want). So he will bring home unhealthy crap that I can't resist. For example, Spicy Nacho Doritos. Omg. He brought home 4 bags last week and they'er all gone already. I can't help myself. And he knows. It sucks.
Anyways....I would suggest maybe substituting ground turkey for ground beef....if you tell him, he will throw a fit and insist he can tell the fiference but if he doesn't know, he won't be able to taste the difference. sparkrecipes.com has a lot of healthy recipes, i use it a lot. You may be able to find something there that he is willing to eat. With my boyfriend a lot of the time its more of a texture thing than a taste issue, so thats difficult to deal with.
Oh and my boyfriend is a fast eater too, and i love taking left overs to work the next day for lunch (hes TOTALLY anti left overs. he over eats just because he doesnt want any leftovers) so I've larned to immediately measure out a portion for my lunch and put it in the fridge BEFORE we even sit down to eat. That way he doesn't know and doesn't feel compelled to eat until everything is gone.
Okay so I hope this helps! Also, feel free to add me :-)0 -
bump0
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Simple, get a new boyfriend.Show him the door.0
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(WARNING: long post! Sorry!)
The problem I'm having is my boyfriend...who is incredibly overweight, openly complains about it, but doesn't seem interested in making a change AT ALL. Which is fine, I understand that he needs to make the decision on his own...but I wish that his choice to be unhealthy wasn't impacting me. For example, at first he was super annoyed that I am always "playing with my phone" (adding recipes, logging food, ect). Now is doesn't say anything when I'm doing it, and even encourages me to measure my food. Which is good, but when he cooks he wont measure anything or let me be nearby so I can measure things so my recipe calculations will be correct....and he has no concept of a cup, or a half a cup....if he says he put in a cup of milk, it is more like 1 3/4 or 2 cups. He insists on bringing awful stuff into my house even after I've asked him not to because I lose control...he brings junk into the house because he was craving it, in sizes he wont eat in one sitting, then leaves it on the counter (watching Zombieland makes me want Twinkies even though I don't really care for them, we watched it one night and the next day he brought over a huge pack, ate 2 and left them on the counter then left for the weekend). If we go grocery shopping together and I try to buy a single serving of a treat to split or share or if I try to buy the quality version versus the quantity version, he argues with me over the "small" portion size or the cost (even when he isn't paying for it!) because the gigantic family size is cheaper than the single serving size per ounce....or if I try to buy the light or low fat version, he flips it around and compares the calories and will loudly and sarcastically say things like "come on! you're only saving 30 calories!" When I cook, he complains about all the "ucky stuff" aka vegetables. Last week I made my should be famous chicken pot pie with garlic cheddar jalapeno biscuit crust (9 servings of about 1 1/2 to 2 cups maybe-529 calories)....he picked out everything green, threw it on my plate (which messes with the serving size!), told me I put too much "ucky stuff" in it and then proceeded to eat 3-4 servings sans green veggies in one sitting. He wont switch from white to brown (although he has started eating brown rice, he refuses to even try things like quinoa or smooth wheat bread). The thing that really gets me though is when I try to make something healthier by making a small switch and all I get is complaints....if I use something low calorie/fat free/sugar free/high fiber/more nutritious he will taste it....then kind of push it against the roof of his mouth and roll it around a bit in his mouth and then tell me it "tastes funny" or the texture is "Weird".
So...I've been sneaky. It's hard for me to watch him SHOVEL in 5 servings of something while I'm holding myself to 1 (or I admit, 2) and feeling like I'm not getting enough or like I have to shovel in as fast as he does so I will actually get some (also part of the problem, I can't eat and truly enjoy my food because in the event that I would like and can have seconds I go back to find that they are gone!). I substituted 3/4 of a cup of Splenda for sugar in koolaid one day before he came over, and he never noticed. I've also been doing things like using milk in the mashed potatoes...where he would have used sour cream and even asked me if I used sour cream-yes, I lied. I've decided to resort to all out trickery. I've found that some things he notices, other things he doesn't...but it is important that he doesn't know or he will for sure act like a child, tell me it tastes funny and refuse to eat it. This is ridiculous. I'm aware. But If he is going to be eating at my house, things need to be a little more "my way" or this isn't to going to work anymore. So what I'm asking for is some advice...I've found articles online about making purees to add to foods, but that seems like an awful lot of work. Does anyone have ways of making things healthier, swapping healthier alternatives for sugar and grease, adding fruits or vegetables in a way that isn't completely obvious?
P.S. Yes I've talked with him about it. He lets me talk, agrees with me, promises to be supportive, then proceeds to nag at me for eating something he doesn't consider "diet friendly" for one day then disregards everything I said after that. The truth is... he doesn't want me to lose weight because he likes larger women. I think part of it is about insecurity and not just about attraction preferences. I also think that he wants to "provide" for me, but doesn't know how to other than bring home food. I just don't know how to communicate that I need change in a way that he will understand, accept and be truly supportive of!
I agree with a previous poster who said he's trying to contol you and fears if you lose weight you'll leave him. If he cooks and you're not sure what's in it because he won't measure, don't eat it and tell him why each and every time in the exact same way.
If he puts the "yucky veg" on your plate because he doesn't like it, it doesn't have to throw your portions size off, simply don't eat the extras and only eat what you planned (I bet you came from a "you must clean your plate family like I did).
If he doesn't like what you've cooked, he's free to make his own food.
If your buying something in the grocery store and he complains, so what? It's your money, your body, your groceries, YOUR call. Let him complain. I'm sure it gets SUPER annoying to hear somebody whine or bash or just be a PITA all the time and that's something you have to decide if you're willing to put up with.
I also tend to agree with veganboi (a lot!). It doesn't seem like this may be the catch you were hoping to snag. Sorry.0 -
To be totally honest, it sounds to me like he's worried that you'll leave him if you lose weight, so he's trying to control you like another poster said.
This...He is NOT going to say it but he is consciously or subconsciously trying to sabatoge you from losing the weight b/c he is scared that you won't want him once you become a 'New' you which does happen at times b/c your interests in life start to change...You may want to keep reassuring him that HE IS the man that you want to be with regardless of you being a smaller & healthier you.... HTH! :flowerforyou:0 -
Hey, you sound like your under a lot of stress because of this. Is there someone else you can talk to about it? He might come round to it and maybe even join you in the long run but don't give up because of him.
Pureeing vegetables and adding it to sauces works really well. Pasta tomato sauces, chili con carne, spag bol..anything where the taste is covered up. Also fishcakes - blend any veg and fish together with spices, make into patties and fry with some light spray. All you need is a cheap handblender - got mine for £15
Good luck!0 -
My mother in law's doing this. If she was my SO I would lay it out for her. Since we have separate bedrooms though, I got super sick of her shoving absolute CRAP in my face so one day I just packed it all up in grocery bags and left em on her bed!
LOL0 -
I feel like his behavior is quite controlling.. I mean, I understand that he may be insecure and so he doesn't want you to lose weight because he doesn't want you to leave. That makes sense, but that doesn't mean that it's ok for him to do that.
I'm sure he loves you very much, but he's not doing a good job of showing it. Showing how much he loves you would be supporting your healthier ways. If he doesn't want to eat your food, he doesn't have to. It's just part of being a mature person and realizing that you can't control the way someone else operates.0 -
To be totally honest, it sounds to me like he's worried that you'll leave him if you lose weight, so he's trying to control you like another poster said.
Yep.
If he truly supports you like he says he does, he wouldn't treat you in such a condescending, and flat-out rude, way.
Do NOT take him grocery shopping. It's your money--you buy what YOU want to. You COOK what you want to. If he doesn't like it, then he can eat something else. Physically taking the vegetables out one by one and making a big deal out of it and then complaining about "ucky stuff" is just downright childish.0 -
I'm kinda loving the trickery angle lol. But it's a short-term solution. My mum used to puree vegetables and put them everywhere. It was good because we were healthy while growing up, but it's backfired now that I don't like that many veggies and often skip them in the same meals. So it will never really allow your guy to change, and appreciate vegetables for what they are, because even though he's been eating them, it won't ever become a habit or anything he likes. Unless you dice them up really small at first, and then make the pieces bigger if he ever comes around?
I hope you come out of this whole thing a happier and healthier you, despite some of this guy's issues!0 -
The entire time I was just thinking "Jeez this guy is just dead weight and weighing you down emotionally any physically. Cut him loose"
Me too! Any partner worth his or her salt would be supportive of you, not try to sabbotage you. You need to be firm and spell it out. THIS is how it is. If THIS is not what you want, you are welcome to leave. There will be NO crap food in my house. If you bring it over I will throw it out. There will be no complaining about what I cook. Eat it, or don't eat it. You are quite welcome to hit McDonald's when you leave.
When I decided to become a vegetarian and started cooking all sorts of weird stuff, my hubby kind of shrugged his shoulders. He ate what I cooked, and complained very little (I admit to making things that were a bit 'different' so when he complained I didn't mind much). He didn't become a vegetarian though, he still ate meat, BUT he ate what I cooked when I cooked it.
When I decided to start losing weight he didn't try to sabotage me. YES he still ate potato chips and crap, BUT he didn't bring it home. He was thoughtful and considerate and even when I decided that I could treat myself to something, he would ask if I was sure I could/should be eating it.
Life is short. You need to surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down. That's just my opinion. You have to accept the fact that he isn't going to change so you have to decide what you want out of this relationship. Is this the kind of person you want to spend time with?0
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