Is my Mum trying to sabotage my weight loss???
Scoobies100
Posts: 82
It seems like every time I am doing well, my Mum is thrusting something mouth watering under my nose. It's getting worse and as a result I have not lost for nearly 3 weeks. I accept that some of this is my fault, however she is making it very very difficult for me.
For example, I will ask her what she is planning for dinner and sometimes she will snap at me that she doesn't know and that I will eat what I am given. I get home and dinner is pretty much on the table and I have little choice but to eat it, whatever it is. I will get called ungrateful and fussy if I don't.
When I announce that I have lost weight, or that I am doing really well, my Mum will buy me a chocolate bar or make some Ben and jerry's ice cream (We have an ice cream maker). She makes my favourite foods then acts offended when I turn them down and snaps at me that I am obsessed.
My mum has a very fast metabolism and doesn't seem to gain weight, whereas I just look at food and I've gained (Well, that's what it feels like!). As a result, she will sit next to me polishing off the remains of a tub of double cream and oohing and ahhing about how nice it tastes and how sinful it is. I had a go at her for it and she snapped at me that she would never rub it in my face and that I am obsessed.
Is it just me? If not how do I approach her about this? am starting to resent her for this, I think it is driving a wedge between us
For example, I will ask her what she is planning for dinner and sometimes she will snap at me that she doesn't know and that I will eat what I am given. I get home and dinner is pretty much on the table and I have little choice but to eat it, whatever it is. I will get called ungrateful and fussy if I don't.
When I announce that I have lost weight, or that I am doing really well, my Mum will buy me a chocolate bar or make some Ben and jerry's ice cream (We have an ice cream maker). She makes my favourite foods then acts offended when I turn them down and snaps at me that I am obsessed.
My mum has a very fast metabolism and doesn't seem to gain weight, whereas I just look at food and I've gained (Well, that's what it feels like!). As a result, she will sit next to me polishing off the remains of a tub of double cream and oohing and ahhing about how nice it tastes and how sinful it is. I had a go at her for it and she snapped at me that she would never rub it in my face and that I am obsessed.
Is it just me? If not how do I approach her about this? am starting to resent her for this, I think it is driving a wedge between us
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Replies
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My mom used to do this as well when I lived at home. She used to because I am quite petite anyway and she was worrying that trying to eat healthy and lose weight would cause me to get obsessive and take it too far. So maybe she's just doing it because she is worried about you. Perhaps reassure her that you are OK and are not going to go too far?0
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I know exactly what you mean. My mum and dad divorced when I was very young and she took us all on. I think one of the easiest way to please 3 kids is to give them food and snacks, my mum feels like food is love, I see it in how she is always asking if I want food, giving me snacks, and she does the same with the cats, constant food to keep happy. I've tried telling ehr she is actually making me unhappy.
But in the end, she might be offering it, but it is my choice to eat it, it isn't her fault. In my eyes, she is just another example of the daily temptation, whats the difference between mum presenting me food and a work colleague offering out a plate of biscuits.
Don't let your mum be your excuse, unless she is physically forcing the food down your mouth, in which case I'd recommend calling the police as I think her parenting tactics might be a bit flawed.0 -
You can always tell her that you will eat dinner with her, but make your own food. Since you are trying to loose weight, and are a 24 year old woman, explain to her that she doesn't have to make your food anymore, but that you do still want to eat with her. As for the temptation- that's a toughie, it's all about willpower! She's trying to shower you with "love" ie. food- and maybe she wants to make sure you're not depriving yourself.0
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I think everyone here that is trying to lose weight has one or more people in their life that have NO CLUE about how or why its important that you are doing what you are doing. They seem disrespectful or even as a saboteur but they may even be trying to keep you "healthy" by making sure you have enough to eat.
I am still about ten pounds above my goal weight yet several people in my life insist I am "wasting away to nothing" because they are accustomed to seeing me 45 pounds heavier. People generally don't like when things to which they are accustomed change, whether its for the worse or the better.
Don't hold it against them. Just don't let them interfere with your progress.0 -
WARNING!! This isn't going to be very nice. I'm not trying to offend.
My thoughts.
1. I think you're right. I think you Mum is sabotaging your progress. This is not uncommon for those closest to us to throw road blocks in our way. They think they're doing something nice.
2. You're an adult. You can make your own food choices and prepare your own meals. Yes cooking sucks. Personally, I hate it. It may be uncomfortable at first, eating differently then the rest of the family. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You have the choice to eat what is given to you. You're Mum isn't forcing that stuff down your throat. You have some responsibility in to too.
3. Take control of this. Sit down with your Mum and talk to her about this. Pick a time when she's not busy. Use a lot of feeling words. Be respectful of her views. DON'T ACCUSE HER!! "Mum I've been working really hard at getting healthier, this is something that is very important to me.
And I need your support." Something like that.
Again I'm sorry if this was rude. I in no way meant to be mean or hurtful. This is just my opinion.0 -
I agree with pyrowill. Without actually being there it's hard to say, but it sounds as though she uses food to communicate, or as a form of "power". She sounds insecure herself so don't expect to get support from her, especially in this venture. You could see it as a test of your own determination and of how far you've gone and are prepared to go. I also tend to get swayed by other people's remarks, lack of support and sabotage, but I'm also beginning to see that the really hard part isn't getting rid of the excess weight, but rather dealing with obstacles that made me put the weight on in the first place.
I think letting go of our need for approval and support from our mothers is a central theme for all of us with weight and body issues, even for those of us who don't live with or have mothers any more. You've actually got a great - though admittedly difficult - opportunity to challenge her negativity with your own positive determination.
Good luck!!0 -
I agree with pyrowill. Without actually being there it's hard to say, but it sounds as though she uses food to communicate, or as a form of "power". She sounds insecure herself so don't expect to get support from her, especially in this venture. You could see it as a test of your own determination and of how far you've gone and are prepared to go. I also tend to get swayed by other people's remarks, lack of support and sabotage, but I'm also beginning to see that the really hard part isn't getting rid of the excess weight, but rather dealing with obstacles that made me put the weight on in the first place.
I think letting go of our need for approval and support from our mothers is a central theme for all of us with weight and body issues, even for those of us who don't live with or have mothers any more. You've actually got a great - though admittedly difficult - opportunity to challenge her negativity with your own positive determination.
Good luck!!
Thanks everyone for your advice. I agree with what you are saying about food being used as power. I also have a niggling feeling that my Mum is slightly jealous of me. I really really hope this isn't true. But I catch her looking at my figure out of the corner of my eye then the next minute she will be moaning about hers. It's very frustrating because even though she doesn't gain weight easily, she never seems to try to lose any. I get the feeling that she doesn't like it when I say no to food and lose weight.0 -
You are 24 years old.
There should be no more of mom saying "eat what I make".
Make your own dinner. Just tell her that you appreciate the thought of her cooking for you, but you are an adult and you can cook for yourself.0 -
Hard to advise on this one, as we don't know your weight or your family dynamics. Is it just you and your Mum at home, or are their other family members that she is feeding? Is it possible she is truly concerned that you are too thin and your health is in danger?
I think you should have a serious talk with your Mum, let her know how you feel, quietly and reasonably if possible. The thing is, if she's the one doing the cooking and shopping, she's got every right to buy/cook the foods that she and/or other family members likes. I don't mean to sound like a lecturing Mom myself, but I have to point out that as long as you are living under your parents roof, they have every right to express their opinion as to your health or behavior, whether you like it or not, unless it's YOUR house and they are the ones living with YOU. At age 24 most women have "left the nest" (I was a late one, I didn't leave until 26) and are shopping and preparing their own meals to suit their tastes and nutritional needs. When I was in your shoes, I was living with my parents and two siblings. Mom knew I was trying to lose weight, but she had other people to think about who were not. Therefore, I prepared my own meals and bought the foods I needed to make them myself. As long as you have "kitchen privileges", I don't see why she should object. Of course, no matter what you do, there will always be stress between two grown women living under the same roof!
Please, do have a talk with your mother about the situation, but don't do it at meal time, do it at the first calm time opportunity that presents itself so that she'll have a more favorable and reasonable reaction to what you have to say.0 -
What happens if you politely offer to prepare your own food and do your own dishes?0
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You have to have will power no matter what? Easier said than done,but been there experience that.0
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WARNING!! This isn't going to be very nice. I'm not trying to offend.
My thoughts.
1. I think you're right. I think you Mum is sabotaging your progress. This is not uncommon for those closest to us to throw road blocks in our way. They think they're doing something nice.
2. You're an adult. You can make your own food choices and prepare your own meals. Yes cooking sucks. Personally, I hate it. It may be uncomfortable at first, eating differently then the rest of the family. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You have the choice to eat what is given to you. You're Mum isn't forcing that stuff down your throat. You have some responsibility in to too.
3. Take control of this. Sit down with your Mum and talk to her about this. Pick a time when she's not busy. Use a lot of feeling words. Be respectful of her views. DON'T ACCUSE HER!! "Mum I've been working really hard at getting healthier, this is something that is very important to me.
And I need your support." Something like that.
Again I'm sorry if this was rude. I in no way meant to be mean or hurtful. This is just my opinion.
I agree with your first two points, but I would skip the conversation outlined in #3. Either she is unlikely to change, and becomes more hostile, OR she becomes the food police. Which is less fun than a food pusher.0 -
My mum used to be the same when i was a kid and then in the next breath she would mock my weight and ask if i was having a competition to see if i could get as fat as my friends
With my mum it was a mix between trying to please us through food and also her own insecurities about her own weight. Now that i live on my own and in good shape my mum will praise me for this and say how 'lucky' i am. What she doesn't see if that i work out a lot and eat well to get my figure, while she follows fad diets and thinks that walking once a week is enough
Its not so much a hateful thing its more them wanting to be better than they currently are but are not motivated to take the right steps. If your mum sees you are not doing well, then gives her some kind of justification for her not to be.0 -
Its hard to be constantly tempted then put down when you refuse. My friends are like sometimes but I wouldn't know how to feel coming from my mother. Its a tough situation because its easy to be like, just forget about her and do you, from someone on the outside but its still you mom.
Maybe instead of trying to confront her, work on doing this yourself. Don't bring it up any more, don't talk about your successes and don't include her in your plans. Its obvious that when you DO do these things, they're responded to with negative reactions. Use your friends on MFP for support and encouragement, maybe you can find a friend of yours that can be a workout buddy or even just a support line for you in real life.
When it comes to eating dinner she cooks, the first thing is to take smaller portions. if she cooks vegetables, fill half your plate with them instead of the other stuff. Maybe eat a bit less throughout the day to have some extra calories for dinner or even add an extra 10 or 15 minutes to your workouts. Its the little things that add up and with a combination, you can still enjoy your meals and not make your mother feel attacked by you declining her food.0 -
Rachael0440 has some really good advice up there /|\0
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To be a bit blunt...
You are an adult. Get up and make your own food, buy your own groceries, or even offer to make dinner so that your mom does not have to. YOU have to take control of the food situation and not expect people around you to change. If you want to eat healthy, that is up to you. You can not ask the other people in your life to quit eating they way they want to. It's a personal choice.0 -
This might get some backlash but here I go. First we dont have access to your diary so we dont know what your eating. As a mom myself I see my adult daughter skipping meals than dinner roles around which is always healthy and she makes the same comments as you. I do not agree with the comments about the ice cream. However it sounds to me like she is concerned. When I get concerned about my child not eating I start to make her favorite meals as well. Sounds like the two of you need to sit and discuss both your concerns.0
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To be a bit blunt...
You are an adult. Get up and make your own food, buy your own groceries, or even offer to make dinner so that your mom does not have to. YOU have to take control of the food situation and not expect people around you to change. If you want to eat healthy, that is up to you. You can not ask the other people in your life to quit eating they way they want to. It's a personal choice.
I would love to cook and buy my own food. But having just finished University, I am in a crappy job where I am out the house 11 hours a day just to pay my student debt off. If I could afford to move out I would. House prices are extortionate over here, my friends are all still at home too.0 -
Open and honest communication. Hope it works out!!0
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To be a bit blunt...
You are an adult. Get up and make your own food, buy your own groceries, or even offer to make dinner so that your mom does not have to. YOU have to take control of the food situation and not expect people around you to change. If you want to eat healthy, that is up to you. You can not ask the other people in your life to quit eating they way they want to. It's a personal choice.
I would love to cook and buy my own food. But having just finished University, I am in a crappy job where I am out the house 11 hours a day just to pay my student debt off. If I could afford to move out I would. House prices are extortionate over here, my friends are all still at home too.
Get with all of your friends and get a flat together. Problem solved.
Where do you live?0 -
Its hard to be constantly tempted then put down when you refuse. My friends are like sometimes but I wouldn't know how to feel coming from my mother. Its a tough situation because its easy to be like, just forget about her and do you, from someone on the outside but its still you mom.
Maybe instead of trying to confront her, work on doing this yourself. Don't bring it up any more, don't talk about your successes and don't include her in your plans. Its obvious that when you DO do these things, they're responded to with negative reactions. Use your friends on MFP for support and encouragement, maybe you can find a friend of yours that can be a workout buddy or even just a support line for you in real life.
When it comes to eating dinner she cooks, the first thing is to take smaller portions. if she cooks vegetables, fill half your plate with them instead of the other stuff. Maybe eat a bit less throughout the day to have some extra calories for dinner or even add an extra 10 or 15 minutes to your workouts. Its the little things that add up and with a combination, you can still enjoy your meals and not make your mother feel attacked by you declining her food.
I think this is excellent advice0 -
To be a bit blunt...
You are an adult. Get up and make your own food, buy your own groceries, or even offer to make dinner so that your mom does not have to. YOU have to take control of the food situation and not expect people around you to change. If you want to eat healthy, that is up to you. You can not ask the other people in your life to quit eating they way they want to. It's a personal choice.
Basically what I was trying to say, but a bit more straight forward
I was in your exact situation during university. I commuted 1.5 hours each way to university and kept a 20-hour a week part-time job along with a student council position for 2 years, while keeping a good GPA. I made my own food every day, because if my dad had his way, I would be eating spaghetti and meatballs and potato omelettes every night- not a slight on him, it's just what he wanted to eat, and I am an adult.0 -
If you can't afford to buy your own groceries and have no time to cook your own food, and are living in someone elses house then all you can do is try to eat as healthy as possible and exercise as much as possible. You are lucky that you can have a place to live for free and someone to feed you. Again--like the other poster --sorry to be blunt but you are no longer a student or child--you are an adult and can make your own choices.
Maybe you can go out and get more veggies and lean cuts of meat and chicken for the family to share. Maybe you can offer to provide the meals once or twice a week, as a treat for your Mom you can cook for her. She may be trilled for you to say "Oh no--just sit down today and I'll do this for you"0 -
Awesome advice in this thread.
Some people for whatever reason DO want to see their loved ones fail. It could be a personality disorder or just plain jealousy. The trick now is to have the courage to say "No thanks, I am good. I don't need that chocolate."
You can even go to an extreme - if she gets angry that you won't eat the naughty foods she prepares (ice cream etc) you can always claim lactose intolerance 0 -
I wish I could! I couldn't even afford to do that. I will have to get a higher paid job before I can even think about moving out.
I'm from the Midlands (UK)0 -
I don't have advise but I just want to say how sorry I am for you to have to deal with this situation. Losing weight is hard enough without the mental games others play. Best wish for you and your situation.0
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I live away from my family now and am only just able to really have full control of my diet myself. I was weak willed around my family and tended to do whatever everyone else is doing. I still do when I visit them, eating out all the time, and they hardly keep anything of nutritional value in the house. It is very easy to get lulled back into old habits when I say with them even for a weekend.
You are old enough that maybe you should look at moving out? Find someone like minded to move in with and work on a healthy lifestyle together. Or maybe find a friend you can eat with instead of going home to eat. Split the groceries and the cooking.0 -
I wish I could! I couldn't even afford to do that. I will have to get a higher paid job before I can even think about moving out.
I'm from the Midlands (UK)
I lived in East Midlands (Nottingham) and there's a lot of reasonable shares available. But I am guessing you're in Birmingham or York and ya those do get pricey. But you COULD make it work.
Just a thought. Obviously not the solution to the problem right now 0 -
Perhaps you could try cooking together. Maybe she feels left out that you're changing your lifestyle. She might feel like she's being left behind. You could attempt to "recreate" the foods you love with lower calorie things, and cook them together so she feels included in your process. The more responsibility she can "take on" for your weight loss, the more inclined she will be to help you succeed.
Living with family is tough. I moved home for a few months after college, and I offered to do the cooking for my family. I made healthy, fresh meals and my family found some new favorites. I think including your mom is the BEST way to make sure she doesn't sabotage.0 -
For some people it's just in their personality to sabotage. Of my family members, 1 supports me (my daugher) and the others try to sabotage me and ridicule me. I only have 20 lbs to lose, yet as they stuff their faces with crap, they like to make fun of my healthy eating and exercise. Perhaps your mom is the same way, and she just can't help herself. Not sure what advice to give, as I just ignore the naysayers in my house, but do your best to keep on track and don't let anyone ruin your dedication and drive for a healthy life. :flowerforyou:0
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