Mum being really unsupportive :(
InnerFatGirl
Posts: 2,687 Member
My Mum is really unsupportive of my journey, and it's getting me down. She barely acts interested when I tell her I've lost weight, sometimes even acts sarcastic, and makes comments whenever she sees me eating a food that she deems unhealthy.
I believe this is a lifestyle change. It's been 57 days, and my diet has gone from awful to alright. I am making a real effort to change my eating habits, with avoiding eating/drinking at work, and making homemade foods (I made cauliflower mash yesterday).
However, I do believe that I can eat what I want in moderation. If I decide to eat chocolate, and it's within my calories - fine. It may not be healthy, but when I reach goal, I am not going to just eat healthy foods and never treat myself. I mainly shy away from bad stuff now because it makes me feel like rubbish, not because I'm 'on a diet'.
Anyway, cut a long story short. Yesterday, my Mum kept making comments about me having some cake. She even said, in a snide way, "go on then, put it all back on" when I said I know what I'm doing, and I've lost a stone all by myself.
Then today, I treated myself with a pizza. I don't have cheat days. I try to make the right choices day to day. It's a process, and I fancied some pizza. Hell, I had the calories for it, yesterday I was under by too much (under BMR) and I bloody wanted it!
Yet again, she makes comments. Then when I say I am logging what I eat and could she stop making me feel bad every time she sees me eating something, she tells me I'M emotionally blackmailing and manipulating her!
I am at my wits' end. My Mum & I have a painful relationship stemming from childhood, I have a lot of emotional issues stemming from her treatment of me and this is not helping at all. I would understand if she supported me when I done well, but she doesn't. She just acts disinterested, but makes comments when she sees me treating myself. Never anything positive to say when I'm doing well.
Anyone else dealt with anything similar?
I believe this is a lifestyle change. It's been 57 days, and my diet has gone from awful to alright. I am making a real effort to change my eating habits, with avoiding eating/drinking at work, and making homemade foods (I made cauliflower mash yesterday).
However, I do believe that I can eat what I want in moderation. If I decide to eat chocolate, and it's within my calories - fine. It may not be healthy, but when I reach goal, I am not going to just eat healthy foods and never treat myself. I mainly shy away from bad stuff now because it makes me feel like rubbish, not because I'm 'on a diet'.
Anyway, cut a long story short. Yesterday, my Mum kept making comments about me having some cake. She even said, in a snide way, "go on then, put it all back on" when I said I know what I'm doing, and I've lost a stone all by myself.
Then today, I treated myself with a pizza. I don't have cheat days. I try to make the right choices day to day. It's a process, and I fancied some pizza. Hell, I had the calories for it, yesterday I was under by too much (under BMR) and I bloody wanted it!
Yet again, she makes comments. Then when I say I am logging what I eat and could she stop making me feel bad every time she sees me eating something, she tells me I'M emotionally blackmailing and manipulating her!
I am at my wits' end. My Mum & I have a painful relationship stemming from childhood, I have a lot of emotional issues stemming from her treatment of me and this is not helping at all. I would understand if she supported me when I done well, but she doesn't. She just acts disinterested, but makes comments when she sees me treating myself. Never anything positive to say when I'm doing well.
Anyone else dealt with anything similar?
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Replies
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I have an emotional blackmailing mother. I have had to set clear boundries like "I feel uncomfortable when you comment on my food. Please don't comment on my food anymore." And then she does it again, and I say the same thing again. Eventually, the message sticks. The thing is, you then have to accept that you're not going to get the praise or support either. You can't force someone to support you, but you can cut off them sabotaging you.0
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I have an emotional blackmailing mother. I have had to set clear boundries like "I feel uncomfortable when you comment on my food. Please don't comment on my food anymore." And then she does it again, and I say the same thing again. Eventually, the message sticks. The thing is, you then have to accept that you're not going to get the praise or support either. You can't force someone to support you, but you can cut off them sabotaging you.
I might try that. But I am worried. I have tried telling her that she makes me feel bad when she does this, but all I get is her playing the victim and saying I'm being emotionally manipulative. I'm so frustrated, and I can't even get away from it because I live with her. Yesterday, she even said in a snide voice "go on then, put it all back on" when I said I know what I'm doing and I've lost a stone all by myself. It really cuts into me. If it wasn't for the online support I recieve, I might have given up by now.
Thank you - this is so true;
"The thing is, you then have to accept that you're not going to get the praise or support either. You can't force someone to support you, but you can cut off them sabotaging you."
Thank you
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My mom has been unbelievably supportive since day 1 (26 days ago) I tell her I want to stop and she tells me to keep going and I always tell her how many calories I have left for the day around dinner time... I haven't shown her the site yet but she doesn't seem to need to see it because she sees I am exercising and making good choices and explaining my choices.
Maybe get your mom more in on what you're doing. Show her the website, help her understand how it works. When there are higher calorie options to eat in a meal, use portion sizes and explain why.
I also explain what I'm doing to anyone I've eaten with over the past 26 days so they know. I've shown this site to my best friend when she came over for dinner one night, I talked about this when my brothers noticed I had lost some weight...
Don't obsess over it but if the opportunity comes up tell people.0 -
Some people find it very hard to be supportive, when they dont want to make changes themselves. I think you just really have to try and be OK with the fact that you will not get support from everyone. Be happy with yourself, for the good choices you make, the changes, and improvements. I know its hard. Thats why you have all the communitites on here. Dont be discouraged. It would be nice if everyone was always proud of all the choices we make, and maybe in the long run you will see that she is infact proud and supporting (in her supper unencouraging way), but for now hold your head high and keep it up!!0
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My mom has been unbelievably supportive since day 1 (26 days ago) I tell her I want to stop and she tells me to keep going and I always tell her how many calories I have left for the day around dinner time... I haven't shown her the site yet but she doesn't seem to need to see it because she sees I am exercising and making good choices and explaining my choices.
Maybe get your mom more in on what you're doing. Show her the website, help her understand how it works. When there are higher calorie options to eat in a meal, use portion sizes and explain why.
I also explain what I'm doing to anyone I've eaten with over the past 26 days so they know. I've shown this site to my best friend when she came over for dinner one night, I talked about this when my brothers noticed I had lost some weight...
Don't obsess over it but if the opportunity comes up tell people.
I try hun. I tell her everything I'm doing. I explain it to her. I explain the calories, how it works, how losing weight works etc. I include her.
But she still tears me down
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Some people find it very hard to be supportive, when they dont want to make changes themselves. I think you just really have to try and be OK with the fact that you will not get support from everyone. Be happy with yourself, for the good choices you make, the changes, and improvements. I know its hard. Thats why you have all the communitites on here. Dont be discouraged. It would be nice if everyone was always proud of all the choices we make, and maybe in the long run you will see that she is infact proud and supporting (in her supper unencouraging way), but for now hold your head high and keep it up!!
Oh sweetie, I am. I am so proud of myself. It's just hard, you know? Ever since I was little, I could never be enough for her. Nothing I ever did was good enough. And now, I've lost the most weight I have ever lost by actually trying, and she still isn't happy. Still has to criticise me. Then, when I protest, she turns it around on me and claims I am being manipulative and emotionally abusive. It's not fair, and it's frustrating. I feel like I can't eat what I want around her because she'll always have something negative to say.
But you're right sweetie. Thank you x0 -
Bless you, your posting really made me sad. I am a mum of 2 girls, 14 and 17, and have struggled with my weight since I was able to take control of my own food as a late teen. I'm wondering if your mum's reactions are really more about herself than about you....does that make any sense to you? Maybe you are reflecting or mirroring something back to her that she herself has an issue with? Just a thought.
Ultimately though, you are powerless to change your mum's behaviour and attitude; however you do have it in the power to change yours. Just carry on logging, stay in control and refuse to take her comments on board. Mentally put them in a box and give them back to her. You do not have to assume the position of a child here, you can act as an adult and be in control. I feel that your danger zones could be when she has upset you so be aware of this and don't allow her to make you turn to food for comfort; in addition, if you eat a rubbish food (by choice) or if you fall off the rails one day, do not allow her past comments to filter through to your brain eg 'Mum's right, I can't do this, I'm such a loser, I may as well give up.' You CAN do it and you will be so proud of yourself for reaching your goal.
Do feel free to add me as a friend if you would like support.
Believe in yourself xxx0 -
You've done your best to explain it to her in reasonable ways so I think it's time to just ignore her comments. If you feel you need to respond, just say something like "thaks for your suggestion" or "ok Mom" in a nice tone and leave it at that. You can have control over this situation if you stop reacting to her - it's that reaction that she wants. For some, negative attention is the only kind of attention they understand - both giving and receiving.0
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You've done your best to explain it to her in reasonable ways so I think it's time to just ignore her comments. If you feel you need to respond, just say something like "thaks for your suggestion" or "ok Mom" in a nice tone and leave it at that. You can have control over this situation if you stop reacting to her - it's that reaction that she wants. For some, negative attention is the only kind of attention they understand - both giving and receiving.
Yes, I think I will. Next time she makes a comment, I will just ignore her and walk away/carry on like she didn't say anything. When I was kid, I always told myself that I would ignore her hurtful words and not let her see me cry. I never let her see me cry now, NEVER. But I also need to not let her see me get angry, or frustrated. She doesn't deserve my emotions.
I will absolutely try that. "Okay Mum" next time she says something. Simple, yet effective.0 -
I am right there with you. I also have a very unsupportive mother and I'm not even really sure she realizes what she is doing. A few months ago I had lost 2 lbs in a week and she said that was good, but she thought I should have lost more. It is amazing how much that can put a person down. I am a big emotional eater and that just made me want to quit all together and eat everything in sight.
My mother and I recently got in a very serious fight and I think that was my rock bottom. She will always be my mother, and I will always love her as such, but her opinions she can keep to herself. I have decided to not tell her when I make progress because it isn't important what SHE thinks...it is important about what I think and how I feel.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. completely understand.0 -
Bless you, your posting really made me sad. I am a mum of 2 girls, 14 and 17, and have struggled with my weight since I was able to take control of my own food as a late teen. I'm wondering if your mum's reactions are really more about herself than about you....does that make any sense to you? Maybe you are reflecting or mirroring something back to her that she herself has an issue with? Just a thought.
Ultimately though, you are powerless to change your mum's behaviour and attitude; however you do have it in the power to change yours. Just carry on logging, stay in control and refuse to take her comments on board. Mentally put them in a box and give them back to her. You do not have to assume the position of a child here, you can act as an adult and be in control. I feel that your danger zones could be when she has upset you so be aware of this and don't allow her to make you turn to food for comfort; in addition, if you eat a rubbish food (by choice) or if you fall off the rails one day, do not allow her past comments to filter through to your brain eg 'Mum's right, I can't do this, I'm such a loser, I may as well give up.' You CAN do it and you will be so proud of yourself for reaching your goal.
Do feel free to add me as a friend if you would like support.
Believe in yourself xxx
(I messaged you by the way)
My Mum is very overweight, and has been since I remember. She recently took steps to lose weight, just by eating better foods, and lost quite a lot. But she wasn't tracking, so she doesn't know how much.
Right now, she just seems to be maintaining. Not consciously, just is. I think she put on a bit of weight back, but she looks good.
I do agree with you that it could be something to do with her, and perhaps her own weight struggles. Also, my Mother and I struggle to connect. I rarely share my personal feelings with her and dislike taking her advice. After all, she is my abuser and I have never forgotten the way she treated me and still does. I will never forget.
We live well together day to day, but there is a LOT of baggage there under the surface that comes up at times like this. I am very self-sufficient, despite living at home, but there is still this little girl inside of me, crying out to be loved and accepted. My Dad has abandoned me physically, and she does emotionally, so I still look for acceptance
I 10000% agree with this;
" I feel that your danger zones could be when she has upset you so be aware of this and don't allow her to make you turn to food for comfort; in addition, if you eat a rubbish food (by choice) or if you fall off the rails one day, do not allow her past comments to filter through to your brain eg 'Mum's right, I can't do this, I'm such a loser, I may as well give up.' You CAN do it and you will be so proud of yourself for reaching your goal. "
Thank you xx0 -
Could she be jealous ? She is seeing your desire to get healthy for life, and she's to scared to take the first step.0
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I am right there with you. I also have a very unsupportive mother and I'm not even really sure she realizes what she is doing. A few months ago I had lost 2 lbs in a week and she said that was good, but she thought I should have lost more. It is amazing how much that can put a person down. I am a big emotional eater and that just made me want to quit all together and eat everything in sight.
My mother and I recently got in a very serious fight and I think that was my rock bottom. She will always be my mother, and I will always love her as such, but her opinions she can keep to herself. I have decided to not tell her when I make progress because it isn't important what SHE thinks...it is important about what I think and how I feel.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. completely understand.
I am also sorry you're going through this. It's a very damaging type of abuse (emotional), espcially when it's been happening since childhood. I can certainly tell you it's damaged me, perhaps irreversibly.
I'm so sorry she said that to you. That must have hurt ((hugs)) I am also an emotional eater.
I think I will follow suit and refrain from sharing weight loss progress with her. If she asks, I'll tell, but I'm not volunteering information anymore.
((hugs))0 -
Could she be jealous ? She is seeing your desire to get healthy for life, and she's to scared to take the first step.
I'm not sure hun. I think a lot of it's got to do with ignorance. So many people think being on 'a diet' means eating strictly 100% of the time. And because she saw me eat cake yesterday, and now pizza today, she's assuming I'm falling off the wagon. Despite me eating very healthy yesterday and previous days. She's just selfish, and egotistical. She has **** people skills. She likes to be blunt, and if you don't like it, you're just too sensitive and it's your fault. Never that she's the one in the wrong.0 -
she obviously wants to get you down. by explaining that she upsets you you're fueling the fire.
when she says that stuff just say ''uh huh'' in the most disinterested way you can muster.0 -
she obviously wants to get you down. by explaining that she upsets you you're fueling the fire.
when she says that stuff just say ''uh huh'' in the most disinterested way you can muster.
Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Thank you :-)0
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