What was I thinking?

I've had problems with alcohol sabotaging my success as well. I think it might be safe to say at this point that the desire to drink might be caused by something deeper than you realize, or something that you might need help getting under control. I can tell your frustrated. Have you thought about talking with a counselor?

Hey! Stop beating yourself up. You got back on the wagon by sweating your *kitten* off, right?

The reason you fall back on alcohol and food to make yourself feel good is because this is how you/ your life/ experiences have programmed you to react to stuff. It is taking time and lots of will power to change a lifetimes habits.

You CAN do this x But remember at the same time that you are only human x

My aunt suffered with the same problem for YEARS. But little by little she worked her way through it. It's not easy and she had PLENTY of mood swings and fights to go along with her frustration. But today she is so happy and she's half the size she used to be. It's not easy, but keep it up. You'll get over it!

If you really struggle then perhaps you should get a close friend or a family member to keep you accountable. Let them know when you're struggling and want to hit the bar. Let them help you by talking you out of it. Or perhaps you can find something that if you feel the need to drink, you can do that instead. What's something that you really enjoy doing? Do that instead. Maybe it's playing a video game for 20 minutes, cooking up a new meal, or heck even going for a slow paced walk outside with some fresh air. Whatever worked for you...you should do it! :]

Hang in there. Everything in moderation if you need a beverage. I don't mean to be rude, but have you asked you self why you feel the need to get drunk? Are you using alcohol as an escape from something else? Its just something to think about to gain a better understanding of yourself.

Today I did my workout and felt great for the first time in over 3 days since my drinking and sugar binge. That little stunt set me back a week or so but I was determined not to let it get the better of me. I stood there, covered in sweat and proud that I'd worked hard, as I recovered I realised that my thoughts had turned positive... amongst which was the want to go out and get drunk. Why would I do that to myself? I am so close to finally getting what I want yet I seem to want to trade it all in for a few pints and a stupid drunken eating binge.

I'm seriously getting on my own nerves...

I have had the same urge, "Hey I wanna get drunk!" for no reason-- not particularly sad, bored, happy, just a random thought. Fact is, substance abuse runs in my family, so there's probably some button in my brain that just keeps getting pushed. What I do is, ignore that thinking that says to get a drink, or I talk back to it. As time goes by the thought comes to my head less and less. It's a habit, and there is addiction involved. If you're like me, it's mostly a willpower issue, and that gets stronger the more you practice.

I've been to AA meetings, keeping grandma company (she was a 30-year sobriety member), and I don't think it would help me... it was a lot of "it's not your fault" which I don't exactly agree with, and AA can be very religious which is not my scene. But maybe you can try a meeting, see if they offer the type of support that would help you.

You can also talk to a doctor, there's a pill you can take every day that doesn't do anything except, when you drink, the pill makes you VOMIT. Might be a good habit and preventive measure you can do for yourself. Sorry I don't know what it's called. Maybe consider therapy too, a professional can be a big support and help in changing thinking habits. If I sense another bad cycle of drinking coming on for me, I'm gonna get myself to a professional, because I don't want to end up like the rest of my family

Sounds like you're struggling through-- keep struggling! Careful not to talk down to yourself, it's not always a moral issue. Do your best, surround yourself with people who will cut you off after one beer <-- that may be a big one.

Biology and genetics can be a b*tch, and it's not fair. Just keep at it. You can change your fate! It's even been shown that genetics can change given the right stimuli. Keep treating yourself right and your body will come along for the ride eventually.

Good luck.

I try to allocate calories for my drunken party nights. And we generally dance all freaking night and do other stupid stunts that burn shirtpiles of calories...so...uhhhh, be an active drunk, I guess is what I'm saying? Best advice I've given all day, fo sho!

I guess I keep thinking that if I'm hard on myself then I might change something. I agree that it might not be that clear cut and may not be a moral issue at all. Perhaps being hard on myself is what got me into this mess in the first place after all... even if it isn't then I doubt I'm going to shatter my existence by cutting myself some slack for a few weeks to see. If I can drop the crutches then I know everything will be ok.

Thank you all for the responses, I will read them all again after my shower and try to organise my thoughts a little better. I would give anything to know where this addictive nature came from.

One of the most useful things I ever learned in my life is this:

Some things are within your control, some things are outside your control. To concern yourself with things outside your control is a waste. <-- some Greek philosopher said something like that, one of the Stoics.

It's like the AA saying about having "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can't control your biology. You can't control your urges! Think about what is absolutely within your control, do your best to stop fretting about the things that are not, and DO what you CAN.

Just last night I had a moment of clarity surrounding this type of behavior.

I was at my brother's birthday celebration at a place with "the largest draft beer selection in the blah blah blah"
Let me just say that I love beer - stouts, porters, pale ales, you name it.
I especially love craft beer.
Anyway...back to the story.

So you should know that I've lost 80lbs so far, most of that being really hard on myself - eating really healthy, not allowing myself to have very many "cheat" meals or foods.

This what I found with this method; when I did get a chance to eat or drink something that was "bad" I went nuts. I would eat a whole pizza or have 4,5,6 beers! It had been so long since I was able to have pizza and beer and I knew it was going to be a long time before I was able to have it again that I just wanted more and more and more.

For the last 6 weeks or so I've allowed myself to have "bad" foods if I wanted them. Sometimes I would go nuts, sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I would be within my caloric goal and sometimes...I wouldn't.

Last night is when the light really turned on for me.
After having halibut, a beer and half a cupcake, I realized that I felt good. Yep, just wanted to stop.
I realized that I was free!
I got my "bad" food in, but I didn't feel the need to keep going.
There wasn't an eagerness from not having these foods in a really long time...
There wasn't a desperation from knowing it would be forrrreverrrr until I could have these foods again...

The "bad" food was there, I had some.
And that's it.

The point?
Don't deny yourself anything, because eventually you're going to cave in and when you do, you're going to "binge" and go overboard.
Then you're going to want to kill yourself at the gym trying to make up for it with excessive exercise.
It's going to be a vicious cycle of one step forward, two steps back and you'll never ever be happy.

Try it out. If you want a beer tonight, have it. Want another? Have it. Some more tomorrow night? Have it.
Just make sure at the end of the day, you've made more good choices than bad.