lack of confidence/low self esteem

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Sid1988
Sid1988 Posts: 170 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hello,

I'm using MFP to lose weight and most importantly to feel more confident about myself and to build my self esteem.

I used to very confident a few years ago, at my largest i was a size 16 and more confident then than i am a now at a size 12.

I know i look better now than i did then but i don't feel that way, i look in the mirror and i genuinely do not like what i see.

I lost my mother two years ago and since then i have become very self concience and nervous about what people think of what i look like, it's something that came out of nowhere and i need to overcome these feelings.

I'm wondering if anyone has ever or does feel the same? or if anyone has any advice?

My target goal weight is 140lbs, i am currently 155lbs, i am hoping once i have achieved that goal my body issues will go and i can be happy with how and who i am.

Thanks :)

Replies

  • sarafil
    sarafil Posts: 506 Member
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    I'm sorry about your mom, that has to be really hard. I know that I wrestle with self esteem at times, but I find that it has gotten better the older I get. I guess the bottom line is that no matter how much weight we lose, or how perfectly in shape we are, it will never seem like enough until we fix the root causes of what makes us feel bad about ourselves. Honestly, for me, I dealt with cancer in my early 30s, and that changed everything, my whole perspective on life. I realized how much time I had wasted worrying about what other people think, or feeling that I wasn't measuring up, etc. etc. And when you have a brush with your own mortality, you realize how NONE of that stuff matters! And now I understand that I have exactly ONE life to live and our time is really very very limited....so I'm not going to waste a second of it feeling bad about myself. I'm going to take care of myself because I love myself, not because I want to squeeze in to a certain size of pants, and because I have one body to get me through this life and I'm going to honor it. I am now about 25 pounds heavier than I was when I was in my 20s....and I am SO much more beautiful now. :)
  • madamepsychosis
    madamepsychosis Posts: 472 Member
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    I'm so sorry about your mother. My mother and I are super-close and I know it would tear me apart if I lost her, so I can't begin to imagine what that must have done to you. You said that's when the worst of your self-esteem issues began and I think that pretty much sums up how insecurities work. You can change your physical appearance as much as you like, but it means nothing unless you really get down to the root causes of why you feel the way you do. I'm down to my initial goal weight and while I feel heaps better about the way I look, I still have a crippling fear of failure and an enormous inferiority complex in most things I do, be they physical or mental tasks. Sometimes I can channel those issues to get good results (being afraid of failure tided me over well when it came to studying), but sometimes it can completely take over and I just have a meltdown. I know that this is a problem and I really need to work on it and I am trying. I knew it wouldn't go away once I got to a point where I thought I looked better.

    Could it be possible for you to talk to someone about what losing your mother has done to you? It could be that your insecurity has some from losing someone that made you feel very secure, that you could turn to, so getting your feelings off your chest - even to someone not involved - could be very beneficial.

    Another tip I've found useful is to write things down. I already keep a journal, but I used to go through this thing where I thought people only liked me because they hadn't seen the 'real' me yet (whatever that means). It helped for me to write down all the reasons why this made no sense whatsoever and then read them back. So, for example, when you worry about what people think you look like, you could write down all the reasons this is an irrational worry - that there's no reason for them to be sizing you up and it's probably never entered their heads to do so. I'm not saying this is a sure-fire way of dealing with it, but it helps me :)

    Feel free to request me if you ever want to talk. You're a beautiful woman who's clearly had a rough time, so I'm here if you'd like a friend :)
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
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    I'm so sorry about your mother.

    I hope this can help your self esteem a bit. My self esteem is the highest it's been in my life thanks to learning body-acceptance and self-love. I often reblog this on Tumblr. These suggestions are all AMAZING for self esteem.

    "Guide to loving your body:

    1. Get naked and take a good long look at your body. Trace your stretch marks, feel your hip bones poking out, place your hand over your tummy and take a fistful of yourself in. Appreciate your scars and pimples, your uneven,large,or nonexistent breasts. Take pride in your un/shaven, un/cut, fantastically odd private bits. Hold up a mirror to yourself and study your body. Love it.

    2. Be Ugly, reclaim words that are used to put you down and shut you up and scream right back at these fascist beauty standard reinforcing scumbags. Give them the finger and tell them to kiss your fat/skinny/somewhere in between a** ‘cause you ain’t got time to waste with their body hating BS. and remember, you don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Validate yourself by accepting yourself.

    3. Wear clothes that don’t fit, that are too big or too small and show all your “problem areas” that cosmo insists you hide and walk down the street like the f****** fabulous queen you are. Sashay the hate away.

    4. Do what YOU want with YOUR body. Shave or don’t, wear makeup or don’t, whatever choice you make is yours to make, and anyone who shames you for your decision can keep it moving. This also means respecting the choices of others, even if they differ from your own.

    5. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Rid of the toxic bull**** in your life if possible, and immerse yourself in a community that embraces body positivity and diversity.
    "

    I can PM the source on request (it's got a word in it that I think the system would censor).
  • bigdal77
    bigdal77 Posts: 69
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    hi there im so sorry about your mum ive had the same thing i always lived at home with my mom and dad
    my dad died in april 06 suddenly of heart attack then my mom passed sep 07 six days after my birthday and ive never been a social person i just cant talk to people its hard ive got better at it but what im saying is i think time helps ive lost 240lbs in the last year and half its help alittle bit but ive got a long ways to go and my biggest regret is my mom and dad didnt see me like this but time heals :)
  • GymAnJuice
    GymAnJuice Posts: 512 Member
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    I'm so sorry about your mother.

    I hope this can help your self esteem a bit. My self esteem is the highest it's been in my life thanks to learning body-acceptance and self-love. I often reblog this on Tumblr. These suggestions are all AMAZING for self esteem.

    "Guide to loving your body:

    1. Get naked and take a good long look at your body. Trace your stretch marks, feel your hip bones poking out, place your hand over your tummy and take a fistful of yourself in. Appreciate your scars and pimples, your uneven,large,or nonexistent breasts. Take pride in your un/shaven, un/cut, fantastically odd private bits. Hold up a mirror to yourself and study your body. Love it.

    2. Be Ugly, reclaim words that are used to put you down and shut you up and scream right back at these fascist beauty standard reinforcing scumbags. Give them the finger and tell them to kiss your fat/skinny/somewhere in between a** ‘cause you ain’t got time to waste with their body hating BS. and remember, you don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Validate yourself by accepting yourself.

    3. Wear clothes that don’t fit, that are too big or too small and show all your “problem areas” that cosmo insists you hide and walk down the street like the f****** fabulous queen you are. Sashay the hate away.

    4. Do what YOU want with YOUR body. Shave or don’t, wear makeup or don’t, whatever choice you make is yours to make, and anyone who shames you for your decision can keep it moving. This also means respecting the choices of others, even if they differ from your own.

    5. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Rid of the toxic bull**** in your life if possible, and immerse yourself in a community that embraces body positivity and diversity.
    "

    I can PM the source on request (it's got a word in it that I think the system would censor).

    @umeboshi every woman should read this...probably starting at school. thanks for sharing :flowerforyou:

    @sadiee sorry to hear about your mum, i'v lost mine too so your not alone on either counts. i too find that confidence comes with age. mine has improved but still not where it should be. i have lost a lot of weight before and it did make an amazing amount of difference. have you ever considered counselling? it's by no means a quick fix or even easy, but i'v done it and it does help. best of luck :flowerforyou:
  • bertburtison
    bertburtison Posts: 6
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    Firstly, sorry for your loss. The loss of any great influence in your life can make us feel lost, confused lacking confidence as they are generally always the same people we looked towards for support or approval. I lost my Father just before Christmas and constantly chased his approval, being blokes though we are notoriously bad at expressing ourselves when we should, but thats enough of that ;)

    Well done on taking the first steps to being a healthier you, losing weight can make us more aware of our bodies and you will notice what you will feel are imperfections more, (guess what though, in a society where the majority are completely self obsessed no one else notices your imperfections, but you!) this I find makes me constantly change my own goals, the mirror or progress shots will be your best friend but also your biggest critic.

    Being happy with who you are, isn't about what weight the scales tell you, it's about learning to love who you are. Not in a self indulgent 'screw everyone else because I'm brilliant' kind of way, but knowing you're a nice person with strength inside as well as out. There will always be voices in your head saying good and bad things, everyone has them, you are not alone, it's how you choose to react to them or act because of them that will define who you are and what legacy you leave behind.

    So smile, laugh and love, ignore the haters, (inside your own head as well as outside it) and live your life to the fullest, only you hold the key to the chains that bind you
  • SarieCherries
    SarieCherries Posts: 23 Member
    Options
    I'm so sorry about your mother.

    I hope this can help your self esteem a bit. My self esteem is the highest it's been in my life thanks to learning body-acceptance and self-love. I often reblog this on Tumblr. These suggestions are all AMAZING for self esteem.

    "Guide to loving your body:

    1. Get naked and take a good long look at your body. Trace your stretch marks, feel your hip bones poking out, place your hand over your tummy and take a fistful of yourself in. Appreciate your scars and pimples, your uneven,large,or nonexistent breasts. Take pride in your un/shaven, un/cut, fantastically odd private bits. Hold up a mirror to yourself and study your body. Love it.

    2. Be Ugly, reclaim words that are used to put you down and shut you up and scream right back at these fascist beauty standard reinforcing scumbags. Give them the finger and tell them to kiss your fat/skinny/somewhere in between a** ‘cause you ain’t got time to waste with their body hating BS. and remember, you don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Validate yourself by accepting yourself.

    3. Wear clothes that don’t fit, that are too big or too small and show all your “problem areas” that cosmo insists you hide and walk down the street like the f****** fabulous queen you are. Sashay the hate away.

    4. Do what YOU want with YOUR body. Shave or don’t, wear makeup or don’t, whatever choice you make is yours to make, and anyone who shames you for your decision can keep it moving. This also means respecting the choices of others, even if they differ from your own.

    5. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Rid of the toxic bull**** in your life if possible, and immerse yourself in a community that embraces body positivity and diversity.
    "

    I can PM the source on request (it's got a word in it that I think the system would censor).

    This. I love this. Thank you for sharing.
  • katharineshalia
    katharineshalia Posts: 243 Member
    Options
    I'm so sorry about your mother.

    I hope this can help your self esteem a bit. My self esteem is the highest it's been in my life thanks to learning body-acceptance and self-love. I often reblog this on Tumblr. These suggestions are all AMAZING for self esteem.

    "Guide to loving your body:

    1. Get naked and take a good long look at your body. Trace your stretch marks, feel your hip bones poking out, place your hand over your tummy and take a fistful of yourself in. Appreciate your scars and pimples, your uneven,large,or nonexistent breasts. Take pride in your un/shaven, un/cut, fantastically odd private bits. Hold up a mirror to yourself and study your body. Love it.

    2. Be Ugly, reclaim words that are used to put you down and shut you up and scream right back at these fascist beauty standard reinforcing scumbags. Give them the finger and tell them to kiss your fat/skinny/somewhere in between a** ‘cause you ain’t got time to waste with their body hating BS. and remember, you don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Validate yourself by accepting yourself.

    3. Wear clothes that don’t fit, that are too big or too small and show all your “problem areas” that cosmo insists you hide and walk down the street like the f****** fabulous queen you are. Sashay the hate away.

    4. Do what YOU want with YOUR body. Shave or don’t, wear makeup or don’t, whatever choice you make is yours to make, and anyone who shames you for your decision can keep it moving. This also means respecting the choices of others, even if they differ from your own.

    5. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Rid of the toxic bull**** in your life if possible, and immerse yourself in a community that embraces body positivity and diversity.
    "

    I can PM the source on request (it's got a word in it that I think the system would censor).

    HILARIOUS, and so true!

    Stand tall for MOM, she would want you to! Love yourself, pamper yourself. Believe me, your mom's love surrounds and protects you, you have nothing to fear.

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