Re-re-re-re-re-starting over. *Sigh*

Gerkenstein
Gerkenstein Posts: 315 Member
edited December 2024 in Motivation and Support
Life is hard! When did it get so damn hard and when can I trade with someone?

In May, 2010, I thought I had changed my life forever. I found MFP, starting tracking my food, educating myself on nutrition and exercise, and reached out to some friends in the fitness profession. I worked hard and implemented what I learned into my life so I could burn more calories and lose more weight. At one point it was worth it to me to eat a salad everyday for lunch or get up at 5am to hit the gym before work so I burned more calories throughout the day. It was worth not drinking wine for 4 months because I was dropping weight quicker than ever before.

Then I realized, the extreme I had gone to I could not maintain forever, nor did I want to. I wanted to learn how to have my wine and drink it too.

So I was okay when I only went to the gym or worked out 3 or 4 times a week instead of 5 or 6, because I wasn’t giving up, I was just learning how I could fit my goals into the life I wanted which didn’t include working out for 2 hours 5 times a week or cutting out all junk food and berating myself when I wanted a treat or, God forbid, I indulge myself.

See when I started, I thought it had to be all or nothing to obtain my goals (which you can read on my profile). I soon realized I didn’t want to live the rest of my life in “ALL” mode to reach my goals, though I yearned for them so deeply. With everything in me, I tried to find balance. I found it much more difficult than I expected and I didn’t expect it to be easy. I was stuck between “not doing enough” and “doing too much.”

By September, 2010, I had lost 35lbs and was feeling so great about myself, but I lost it all when I was in “ALL” mode. Adjusting to “SOME” mode sucked. I gained weight, I lost weight over and over. I’d have spurts of “ALL” mode and then drop off to “NOTHING” mode because I was burnt out. I couldn’t find balance.

I kept the weight off until October, 2011. Then Life happened. My dad died. It was traumatic and scarring, is still. Since then I have gained back all the weight I had lost, plus a couple extra pounds.

I’m still searching for balance and now I have more baggage. These last 7 months I’ve had to learn that your mental and emotional health are sometimes more important than your physical health (just as at other times physical health is most important). I’ve received some support and assistance in dealing with my grief and the trauma I experienced when my dad died. Though I still have a long way to go to heal, I’m ready to dip my toe back in the water and attempt to find balance once again. As a friend of mine stated today “I will b*tch and moan, loudly and often, but I won't give up.”

Replies

  • yogsvr4
    yogsvr4 Posts: 149 Member
    What you describe is a recurring theme. Almost all of us had to 'start over' a few times. The alternative of doing nothing is just not acceptable (or you wouldn't be making this effort). Good luck!
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    Excellent post.
  • nerdyandilikeit
    nerdyandilikeit Posts: 2,185 Member
    I'm right here with you, Sarah! Searching for that happy medium that I'll be happy keeping up the rest of my life. And figuring out how the world works now without my dad. I know you can do this. Time and persistance will get us there <3
  • Gerkenstein
    Gerkenstein Posts: 315 Member
    And figuring out how the world works now without my dad.

    I hate this part. Sometimes I just scream and cry and I'm like "I just want him back! How is that so unreasonable?!" lol But, we don't have much choice. So the balance I search for, the balance I will achieve.
  • melbhall
    melbhall Posts: 519
    I just adore you! I am constantly going between all or nothing. I can't find a happy medium. I think if I'm not doing "All" I'm not doing enough, therefore I should do nothing. I feel crazy. I raise and lower my calories on a daily basis, I give up fast food then binge. I just want to look in the mirror and. It be ashamed if what I see. I don't care if I never lose another pound, I just want the self loathing to stop. I try to start over everyday, even when I fail miserably. I wake up the next day and am given a second Jane so I must make the most of it.

    Your situation sucks. It's unfair, it's not right. But I can see just how much you've grown. You are strong and funny and beautiful and have a whole team of people supporting you every day. If you have to start over and over and over, we will start with you. Each day.
  • diddyh
    diddyh Posts: 131 Member
    I completely understand the all or nothing mode. I keep making myself have indulgences even if I don't really want them badly. I keep telling myself that I don't want to lose weight in a way that I can't live with forever. I intend to go out to eat periodically for the rest of my life so I'm going to figure out how to enjoy the things I love and still have the bod I want. I'm going to have days when I rest from exercise and eat things I enjoy. I will figure this out. Best of luck to you!!
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    This may not be the advice you are looking for, but all I can go by is what has worked for me and others I know.

    First, don't think of physical health, mental health and emotional health separately. Health is health and the same things that keep you physically healthy can keep you emotionally and mentally healthy. Exercise has been shown to improve all three. Good diet has bene shown to improve all three. Reaching for a crutch, whether it's drugs, alcohol or food, in times of crisis is just that. A crutch. It won't make anything better.

    Don't look at rapid weight loss as the best way and don't eat foods you don't enjoy just because they will facilitate rapid weight loss. Eat healthy foods that you enjoy in amounts that will allow you to lose. Choose a realistic and reasonable weight goal and eat at maintenance for that weight. You should lose until you get there and then maintain without making any diet changes.

    That's really all there is to it. Eat right and exercise. Don't look at food as a security blanket. It's just food. Overeating won't make a tragedy less tragic, it will just make you have more regret.
  • Gerkenstein
    Gerkenstein Posts: 315 Member
    This may not be the advice you are looking for....

    I'd like to give you some kind advice, as this is a phrase I've heard many, many times in my grief. If you don't think what you're going to say will have a positive impact, it's best to keep it private.
    First, don't think of physical health, mental health and emotional health separately. Health is health and the same things that keep you physically healthy can keep you emotionally and mentally healthy. Exercise has been shown to improve all three. Good diet has bene shown to improve all three. Reaching for a crutch, whether it's drugs, alcohol or food, in times of crisis is just that. A crutch. It won't make anything better.

    I do understand that what makes your body healthy will make your mind healthy and all these facets compose health as a whole, that doesn't mean you nurture each the same and yes, sometimes one facet takes priority. With all due respect, it seems that your words come from a place of knowledge/heresy, not experience. That may be incorrect and if so I apologize, but you're right. This is not helpful advice. I know that when you're stressed your cortisol levels go through the roof and are considered poisonous to your body. I also know that the rhythm and physical motion of walking (as well as crying) decrease the level of cortisol in your body. While I know these things, it does not help me crawl out of bed on days the pain is gut-wrenching and unbearable. You may think it's just a matter of lacking the will to do it. I assure you, it is much, much more. As you don't know the place I'm coming from I take your words with a grain of salt, but I'd like to share a little more of myself. The trauma I experienced when my dad died consisted of finding his body and attempting CPR. Because of this I'm left with PTSD and a horrible memory of my father that haunts every happy memory of him. I don't mean this abrasively, just wanted to share with you.
    Don't look at rapid weight loss as the best way and don't eat foods you don't enjoy just because they will facilitate rapid weight loss. Eat healthy foods that you enjoy in amounts that will allow you to lose. Choose a realistic and reasonable weight goal and eat at maintenance for that weight. You should lose until you get there and then maintain without making any diet changes.

    I agree rapid weight loss is not the answer. That's why this balancing act is so difficult! When you have over 100lbs to lose to any semblance of a healthy or happy weight, it's a quite daunting at times. Finding healthy foods I enjoy is also a struggle. I wish I only loved healthy, clean eating, but I don't. But in order to lose weight, you definitely need to make diet changes, at least I do.
    That's really all there is to it. Eat right and exercise. Don't look at food as a security blanket. It's just food. Overeating won't make a tragedy less tragic, it will just make you have more regret.

    I realize the concept of losing weight is simple, the action is not. I think almost everyone on this website would agree: losing weight is hard. I don't regret re-gaining the weight since my dad died. I regret not calling my dad the last week he was alive, or being more attentive to his health, or being available more to him. Those things REALLY matter. These 35lbs don't. I think it's perfectly understandable that someone in grief does not have the same priorities or focus as they did prior to whatever happened. If you haven't experienced a deep loss, you won't understand and I don't expect you to, but it is unreasonable and unjust to apply the same standards to everyone when it comes to weight loss (whether in crisis or not).

    That's why I wrote this post. It's all about balance and your balance shifts when things like this happen. Your priorities change, your entire worldview changes. I am not giving up on losing weight, or reverting to my old life because of my dad's death. I'm re-evaluating and re-adjusting to it to continue reaching my goals.
  • mayerel
    mayerel Posts: 254 Member
    Let's see, think I'm on round 3? Or is it 4 of restarting over again??

    The best we can do it try. And make little changes that last. Fall off, get back up, and try again.

    Good luck!!
  • peanutbutterz
    peanutbutterz Posts: 74 Member
    Be good ot yourself and take care of you and don't worry about starting over. Take pride in that your not a quiter!!! I have tried numerous times too and life unfortantly doesn't allow things to be easy. But here I am again and facing a difficult day today but it will pass as will yours.
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