Food = Comfort

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abberbabber
abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
in Chit-Chat
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a parent. I haven't yet had children, so I don't honestly know that much about having little ones running around under foot while you're trying to get things done. That being said, I spent a few days with my bestie a week or so ago while her husband was out of town, and this is what I noticed while I was there.

She has two children under the age of 2 (they're 11 months apart :noway: ), but only the oldest was there with us (youngest was with daddy). Anyway, I played with her kid for awhile, tried to keep him occupied while she did dishes, fixed him dinner, etc. But, as I'm sure most of you know, sometimes kids just want mommy lol. What I noticed while I was there, was that it seemed like every time he cried or wanted to be hugged on or got too underfoot, she handed him a cookie or a juice box or some other kind of food/drink to pacify him. (That's not to say she ignored him, she did pick him up, cuddle him, talk to him, etc. I don't want people to think she's neglectful or anything lol).

I didn't say anything to her, but it suddenly struck me, watching her interact with him, that maybe this is how some of us get to have such a horrible relationship with food. Now, I'm not getting down on my friend; I think she's a *great* mother. But I do wonder if she's not passing on bad habits that many of us have learned over the years. Most specifically that food = comfort.

The other thing that I found interesting was that, when it came time for dinner, he often wasn't interested. She's pulling her hair out wondering why he won't eat "real food" when it's time for dinner and I'm wondering if it's because she's giving him these little "treats" all the time. Like I said....I don't know really anything about raising kids, so I'm not judging, just trying to sort things out in my head. Mostly because *I* have such a bad relationship with food and, if I get to have children, I don't want to pass that relationship on to them.

Thoughts? Opinions? Am I way off base here? Just curious to see what y'all think. :flowerforyou:
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  • Bikini_Bound150
    Bikini_Bound150 Posts: 461 Member
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    I would have to agree with you. If she's feeding him snacks all day long, of course he's not going to eat a healthy, balanced dinner! And I don't think food should be given to comfort kids. I don't have little ones either so I don't really know what to do when they're crying for you while you're busy. Maybe have him help with a chore or something? She's definitely giving him a bad start to a horrible relationship with food.

    If you're really close friends, maybe point it out next time, but in a really delicate way so she's not offended or anything. Kinda depends on the friend lol
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    I would have to agree with you. If she's feeding him snacks all day long, of course he's not going to eat a healthy, balanced dinner! And I don't think food should be given to comfort kids. I don't have little ones either so I don't really know what to do when they're crying for you while you're busy. Maybe have him help with a chore or something? She's definitely giving him a bad start to a horrible relationship with food.

    If you're really close friends, maybe point it out next time, but in a really delicate way so she's not offended or anything. Kinda depends on the friend lol

    Yea, we've known each other for about 15 years or so and we've been really close for about 10. I definitely feel like I'm on shaky ground though...nobody likes to have their parenting criticized and I worry that it'll come off that way. I'll have to think about actually saying anything to her about it....
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    Bump :flowerforyou:
  • ahsongbird
    ahsongbird Posts: 712 Member
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    It might have just been a bad day, I've had days where I'll give the kids snacks not thinking about it bc I'm so busy , but it's not a normal thing. It is easy to get overwhelmed with kids and snacks usually do get them to leave you alone for a bit so yea it can become a problem if you don't realize what you're doing. Honestly, there is no easy way to approach the subject bc no matter how you say it , she's going to see it as an attack. Parenting is hard and very hard to take advice about if advice was not asked for.
  • MizRik
    MizRik Posts: 108 Member
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    GUILTY!! Yupp I have three kiddos. Currently my littlest one is 21 months. I know I have done this myself. Sometimes your so frazzled trying to get things done that its just the easiest thing to do. I have had the thought cross my mind while doing it that its not the best idea, but my mind doesnt go much farther than that.

    In all honesty I never really thought about the food = comfort thing that you are pointing out. It was actually a little eye opening to hear you say it.

    I would dare bet that your friend may like to hear your thougts, however do still be prepared for her to get defensive. Although no one likes to have their faults pointed out, I think its a good idea to say something as she may be competely unware that she is doing it.

    Keep this in mind as any of you become parents because I can promise that you will at some point do the same thing! LOL Even after this post I know that I will still do it, I however will try to be more mindful of it and do it a little less :)
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    It might have just been a bad day, I've had days where I'll give the kids snacks not thinking about it bc I'm so busy , but it's not a normal thing. It is easy to get overwhelmed with kids and snacks usually do get them to leave you alone for a bit so yea it can become a problem if you don't realize what you're doing. Honestly, there is no easy way to approach the subject bc no matter how you say it , she's going to see it as an attack. Parenting is hard and very hard to take advice about if advice was not asked for.

    Yea, I get all that and like I said, this topic isn't meant to be judgmental towards anyone. It was more of a thinking "out loud" about the possible effects down the road that it could have. I honestly probably won't say anything unless it comes up in conversation somehow.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    GUILTY!! Yupp I have three kiddos. Currently my littlest one is 21 months. I know I have done this myself. Sometimes your so frazzled trying to get things done that its just the easiest thing to do. I have had the thought cross my mind while doing it that its not the best idea, but my mind doesnt go much farther than that.

    In all honesty I never really thought about the food = comfort thing that you are pointing out. It was actually a little eye opening to hear you say it.

    I would dare bet that your friend may like to hear your thougts, however do still be prepared for her to get defensive. Although no one likes to have their faults pointed out, I think its a good idea to say something as she may be competely unware that she is doing it.

    Keep this in mind as any of you become parents because I can promise that you will at some point do the same thing! LOL Even after this post I know that I will still do it, I however will try to be more mindful of it and do it a little less :)

    lol I'm sure I'll end up doing it at some point when I have kids.

    Is it obvious that I'm thinking about majoring in psychology? LOL
  • katie001x
    katie001x Posts: 19
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    If she can't get him to be ok without food, maybe have her substitute the cookies for something more healthful, like baby carrots! If he is a picky eater, she should set up 1 day a week where he gets to try something new (fruits and veggies only.) We did that in Kindergarten and it opened me up to a lot of fruits and veggies I didn't even know about at that time.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    If you want to speak to her about it, maybe you can frame it like you are trying to figure out your own relationship with food and what could have contributed to it.

    It's really easy to pass the food = comfort thing on to kids... I think you'd have to be super vigilant to avoid it, because it's a habit that is ingrained in most of us pretty strongly.

    Another possibility - my nephew never liked to eat dinner, he just never had any appetite, and he wasn't growing properly because of that. So it turned into, he would get a snack whenever he wanted because it was so hard to get him to eat.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    If she can't get him to be ok without food, maybe have her substitute the cookies for something more healthful, like baby carrots! If he is a picky eater, she should set up 1 day a week where he gets to try something new (fruits and veggies only.) We did that in Kindergarten and it opened me up to a lot of fruits and veggies I didn't even know about at that time.

    Actually, he LOVES fruits and often chooses them over "junk food", so I will give her that lol.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    If you want to speak to her about it, maybe you can frame it like you are trying to figure out your own relationship with food and what could have contributed to it.

    It's really easy to pass the food = comfort thing on to kids... I think you'd have to be super vigilant to avoid it, because it's a habit that is ingrained in most of us pretty strongly.

    Another possibility - my nephew never liked to eat dinner, he just never had any appetite, and he wasn't growing properly because of that. So it turned into, he would get a snack whenever he wanted because it was so hard to get him to eat.

    That's a possibility...thanks. :smile:

    As for the dinner thing, I'm not around enough (she lives over an hour away, works full time and I'm in school. Ugh, I hate being a growed up lol) to know which came first, you know? Does he not eat dinner because she's giving him snacks here and there for the hour or so before? Or does she do it because she knows he's not going to eat? I don't know.
  • MizRik
    MizRik Posts: 108 Member
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    Yupp that major definately fits!! :laugh:
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    Yupp that major definately fits!! :laugh:

    LOL It was my major right out of high school...and then I changed my mind a bajillion times, and now I'm back to psychology. Hopefully it'll stick this time.
  • lordsangel
    lordsangel Posts: 167
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    Sadly I think we all kids of look at food as love. We go out to eat to celebrate, we get together and eat at reunions and so forth. We equate food with love therefore we love food. It tastes good. We all know that. Its what you eat though. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. You have to choose what to serve or eat.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    Sadly I think we all kids of look at food as love. We go out to eat to celebrate, we get together and eat at reunions and so forth. We equate food with love therefore we love food. It tastes good. We all know that. Its what you eat though. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. You have to choose what to serve or eat.

    True, there is that. Food = Happy Times and Food = Sad Times (funerals and such). Hadn't thought of that aspect.
  • msudaisy28
    msudaisy28 Posts: 267 Member
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    I've never thought much about where food = comfort comes from before. This post definitely made me think through how we feed our daughter (1.5 yrs old). We don't feed her too many unplanned snacks (she gets one in the afternoon every day and one in the morning if breakfast was early), but she does want a bite of whatever we are eating, whenever we eat it. Luckily we eat fairly healthy so the bites she's getting are mostly things that I would encourage her to eat regardless, but she also wants to try desserts if we are eating those.

    We don't typically sooth her with food or drink, unless she is wanting to be held while her dinner is being prep'd, then I've been known to slip her a strawberry or green bean while I'm cutting the rest up. Thanks for the post - definitely food for thought!
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    I've never thought much about where food = comfort comes from before. This post definitely made me think through how we feed our daughter (1.5 yrs old). We don't feed her too many unplanned snacks (she gets one in the afternoon every day and one in the morning if breakfast was early), but she does want a bite of whatever we are eating, whenever we eat it. Luckily we eat fairly healthy so the bites she's getting are mostly things that I would encourage her to eat regardless, but she also wants to try desserts if we are eating those.

    We don't typically sooth her with food or drink, unless she is wanting to be held while her dinner is being prep'd, then I've been known to slip her a strawberry or green bean while I'm cutting the rest up. Thanks for the post - definitely food for thought!

    I honestly don't think many people really think about it. Which is maybe part of the problem.

    For instance, growing up, if my mom had to pick me up from school because I was sick, she would run through the drive thru at McDonald's so I'd have something to eat. Even now, I crave fast food when I'm depressed or not feeling well, because I grew up basically being taught that food = comfort. I'd recognized that before, but it hit me again watching my friend with her son.
  • andrewinsuresal
    andrewinsuresal Posts: 70
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    I think you're exactly right. When I was a kid, the first thing my grandfather would do, when I got home from school, was make a hamburger or a hotdog for me...then we'd go to the store for his evening six pack, and he'd buy me a candy bar or something...if it wasn't that he was making an ice cream cone for me...looking back, I kind of understand...he grew up during the depression, and a lot of times had to go without...so, that was his way of showing you that he loved you, by giving you food. But, because of that, I ended up with the love/hate relationship I have with food, now.

    I've tried not to let that happen with my kids...they do get a small snack in the afternoon, when they get home from school...but not a full meal in between lunch and dinner, like Papaw pretty much did with me.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    I think you're exactly right. When I was a kid, the first thing my grandfather would do, when I got home from school, was make a hamburger or a hotdog for me...then we'd go to the store for his evening six pack, and he'd buy me a candy bar or something...if it wasn't that he was making an ice cream cone for me...looking back, I kind of understand...he grew up during the depression, and a lot of times had to go without...so, that was his way of showing you that he loved you, by giving you food. But, because of that, I ended up with the love/hate relationship I have with food, now.

    I've tried not to let that happen with my kids...they do get a small snack in the afternoon, when they get home from school...but not a full meal in between lunch and dinner, like Papaw pretty much did with me.

    Yea, we used to do the "almost full meal" between school and dinner, too lol.

    Do you every do the "here have an ice cream" type thing with your kids when they're upset?

    Another thing I got to thinking about...do any of you "reward" your kids with food? Like, "If you get an A in math, we'll go get pizza" type deals. I think that may contribute to the issue as well....
  • MizRik
    MizRik Posts: 108 Member
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    My kids are occasionally rewarded with food. My biggest one is when we go to the grocery store. If your good while we are in the store you get a candy while we are bye the registers.

    At this very second I am at my sons baseball practice. They brought a bunch of candy bars and have told them they get them as rewards for a good practice.

    Food truly is something that controls a good portion of our day. I will for sure start being more mindful with my kids.

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