Just need an ear.

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jsenecal12
jsenecal12 Posts: 42
in Motivation and Support
I'm 18 years old. I'm graduating in a week. Things are moving very quickly and changing a lot... more than I thought was possible. I'm okay with all of that, that isn't the issue.. I need to speak up, and I need a little support. I hope this is okay to say.

I've been a self harming for seven months. I hate myself. I am the world's ugliest, stupidest, most moronic fool and I can't stand to live in my body. I'm not fishing for compliments, I just really want to disappear. I've felt like this for the past year and a half, and waiting for it to let up isn't really very effective. I spoke to a counselor at my high school, who kind of just waved it off and told me I'd be fine if I just smiled more. I want to be happy, I want to be glad I'm alive and feel good about life. What happened to me? This isn't me.

I came to this site in January when I decided I'd rather run than cut, and I wanted to change my outlook; I got so sick of hating myself. It worked for a little while... the distraction was nice. But I feel like I'm losing it. I'm so sorry to rant to all of you and whine about my stupid teenage problems, but I'm begging for support. This community is so helpful and uplifting, I just want to be a part of it. I'm sorry if this post bothers anyone, it wasn't my intention to be offensive.
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Replies

  • purpleychick
    purpleychick Posts: 39 Member
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    My thought is that at least you're trying to talk about it, and not doing it. Do you have a good friend or anyone you can talk to? My daughter used to cut, and it was a very hard time for us. But she has pushed through it and it hasn't happened for over a year.

    Please talk to someone.

    Things will get better, I promise you.
  • toriaenator
    toriaenator Posts: 423 Member
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    i know how you feel, i was in your situation not long ago. all the change with graduating, moving on with life, its super tough and takes a huge emotional toll! are you going away for college?

    i know its a lot of change, maybe this self-loathing is because right now, you feel like your own self is the only thing you have control over? a few months back, i had an eating issue and i stopped eating because i felt like i had some control. but at the end of the day you need to remember that you only get one body, one person. once i realized this i decided that i was going to force myself to treat myself with respect, even if it was hard.

    i feel like I'm not making any sense and i really want to help you see through this >< you need to be strong, you have so so much of your life waiting for you to live! don't focus on your imperfections, what also helped for me was picturing myself 5 years from now, where i want to be at...maybe try channeling your energy into a different activity of some sort...i started kickboxing and that really helped me...

    i really hope you feel better and feel free to add me or message me if you want to vent more! you came to the right place, MFP is an amazing community :D
    <3
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
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    sweety, it sounds like you might be fighing depression. I am happy that you did reach out and speak to someone, and i am sorry that they didn't take you seriously. Please keep trying to speak to someone. Your doctor, family member, parents, aunts.... teacher, older friend. keep reaching out.
  • TurtleRunnerNC
    TurtleRunnerNC Posts: 768 Member
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    I am so sorry you are struggling right now. It doesn't seem like it but life after high school is so very different from high school.
    I think it is awful that the school counselor blew you off. Obviously you need some help. I believe that everyone is special & whether or not you believe it this includes you.

    Please print what you have written here & show it to an adult you feel you can trust. Best would be mom & dad. They can work with your physician to rule out any medical reason for your feelings. Teen years are so hard because your body/mind go through so many changes. Lots of chemical things going on that could be off just a little & make you feel awful. They could also get you in touch with a counselor who will help you.

    If you don't feel you can show your parents then maybe a trusted teacher or relative. I know if you were my child I would want you to come to me with this.

    Wishing the best for you.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I can see how your school counselor wasn't helpful. Find yourself a good counselor. Try looking into someone who specializes in self-injury. If you can't find anyone like that in your area, it's ok, finding the right connection with the right therapist can make a huge difference.

    That aside, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I don't say this to minimize, but it won't always feel this bad. It does get better. Find someone better to talk to than your school counselor.
  • leslturn8
    leslturn8 Posts: 505 Member
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    your too young to be doing that crap, I am a negative person, the glass is half empty, all my friends hate me and use me and blah blah, pint being, if you want something so bad you have to do it, you have to change it, you need to do it now.
    So look in the mirror, what dont you like?
    Go have a make over, find something your not stupid at and ace it, and dont say your stupid at everything because thats just retarted. Cooking? gardening? exercise?
    Redistract yourself? I get depressed I eat, im not medicated,cos i dont need it, i know whats in my head and i wouldnt hurt myself because im not one for pain, and hurting myself would get me where?
    I pick my fat *kitten* off the ground and i remotivate myself, i fail i get back up, i fail and i get back up.
    i was a 95 kilo brunett, now im a 78 kilo blonde, i look better as a blonde, i love myself as a blonde, but im not happy with my body, i know im working it and time will tell, i pick programs that promise me and its upto me to kick my own *kitten*.
    Feel free to add me and ill tell you how it is b4 you hack urself. What ever floats your boat. Your only as good as you let youself be.
    I am a ***** at heart, had a lot of practice being treated like sh..it, only i could change me for the better, i cant relate to self harm, i encourage and like encouragment and having a support network is important but you have to want to change for it to benefit you how you want it to.
  • LemonBurns
    LemonBurns Posts: 538 Member
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    Oh my sweet darling! I want to cry reading this. When I pressed 'reply' I actually didn't have ANY idea what I was going to write, I still don't.... and I am still not sure if I have anything to offer you in the way of helpful advice, but perhaps some encouraging words may suffice?... I feel I need to say: You are beautiful, you are loved and you are worth it! I am happy to hear that you have decided running is better than cutting ~ excellent decision. I too, started running to 'get-out-of-my-head' it is my escape... my time to think, pray, reflect and get away. A counselor is an idiot of s/he listens to these words coming out of a teenage girls mouth and shrugs them off... I think should seek another counselor... counselling is a good thing.

    In the past... what were you like? What makes you happy?

    BTW - When I was younger, I was a cutter also, I HATED myself, had ZERO sense of self-worth and I was suicidal, too. Being a teenager is HARD, SooOoOoOoo HARD!!! But you live thru it, sometimes by the skin of your teeth. But then you grow up and it gets better. Life is AWEsome, it really is... stick it out... you'll see. And in the mean time... Bless you, darling... you are beautiful, you are loved and you ARE worth it.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    Be prepared too with this topic that some people will not understand self-injury and you may end up feeling bad about some of the responses. That's why it is important to talk to someone who will understand, because a lot of people do not. There are many reasons people self-injure, and the right person to help you will be able to understand your reasons and help you with the cause of them as well as what to do instead when you feel bad.

    Feel free to add me if you like, if you are looking for support. :)
  • lauren128m
    lauren128m Posts: 75
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    Don't go down that road again. I can relate to your experience personally. Your best bet is to see a psychologist that is not in your school. You might need medication for a few months to give you the 'oomph' back in life. But it's well worth it. Write a journal and stay away from people who make you feel worse about yourself.
  • jsenecal12
    jsenecal12 Posts: 42
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    You're all very kind, thanks for listening to me and thanks for the nice words of advice. It's appreciated :) I'm thinking I'm going to speak to my mom about getting some help - gotta start somewhere <3.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I'm so glad--good luck sweetheart!
  • andrearaquel48
    andrearaquel48 Posts: 102 Member
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    Hi Sweetie - Did you talk to your mom? I think that is a great place to start. From what you wrote, I think you are struggling with depression, and if so, there is so much help out there for you! You need to speak to a psychologist, get some talk therapy going, and possibly get on some medication to help you through this period. No one deserves to feel this way! Truly, this is not a normal feeling and I hope you will get the help you deserve. You have your whole life ahead of you. Hugs to you!!
  • jsenecal12
    jsenecal12 Posts: 42
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    I didn't go through with it. Things aren't really improving and it hurts and it's hard and I'm too scared to speak up. I'm doing the best I can. I'm sorry to be so whiny.
  • thriftycupl
    thriftycupl Posts: 310 Member
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    Try a friend or a family friend. When I was in high school, I had a friend who tried to commit suicide and couldn't bring herself to tell her parents. She called and told me. We had a better experience with a school counselor who was able to help. Find someone that you trust and ask them to help you. We all here want to help but you really need one on one assistance. Do it for yourself because you want to feel better.
  • ishtar13
    ishtar13 Posts: 528 Member
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    You may want to read: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

    There's a couple of phone number you can call for help:
    If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. For helplines in other countries, see Resources and References below.
    In the middle of a crisis?
    If you’re feeling suicidal and need help right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. at (800) 273-8255 . For a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit Befrienders Worldwide.
  • Theresafinallygetsitright
    Theresafinallygetsitright Posts: 157
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    I am sorry :(. Your problems are not stupid or trivial, that is all relative. I have battled depression and know how it feels to be sucked back into that darkness. Very often, these things are chemical and no, a pill cannot fix things but it can help you keep it in perspective. We all have our battles, our own demons. You are not alone though I certainly know it feels that way.
  • bestbassist
    bestbassist Posts: 177 Member
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    My ex-wife was a cutter for many years. The trick(s) for her was therapy, medication and (most importantly) forcing herself to delve into her biggest passion. Cut to several years later, that passion led to a doctorate in law. There's hope - you're just at a really frustrating time in your life. 18 sucks for just about everyone, we all just handle it differently. Find something constructive in addition to exercise that you are really passionate about and put yourself in a situation where you NEED to spend time pursuing it.
  • anewme1202
    anewme1202 Posts: 70 Member
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    I'm so sorry that you're struggling with so much and that you've beaten yourself up about it and hurt yourself, but you've made the first step before to try and talk to someone (although not really helpful) and here you are again. DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. Your feelings are raw and they're real. Don't be sorry.

    At least you realize that you are in a bad space and you need to make a change ... I will say that IT DOES GET BETTER! Is there anything you really are passionate about? An activity or anything to throw your focus into?

    I would just encourage you to keep reaching out to try and talk to someone. When the first person doesn't answer, keep knocking down doors for help. Talk to your mom if you can or a best friend...maybe a pastor, just find someone to talk to.

    Here in Canada we have Kids Help Phone, check it out. http://kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/Home.aspx
    I know you live in the USA, but I'm sure if you call they're not going to ask where you are from ... there's also help online too where you can talk to someone. It's free and it's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - confidential and it's anonymous. It's for anyone 20 years of age and younger. Maybe they have something similar in the USA.

    Good luck and hang in there and add me if you'd like!
    :happy:
  • sjmitchner
    sjmitchner Posts: 121 Member
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    If you need someone to talk to and are not comfortable going to one of the adults in your life try calling this number:
    1- 800-DONTCUT
    or go to your local health department and ask for help.
  • jsapninz
    jsapninz Posts: 909 Member
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    Sweetheart.

    You are not any of those terrible things, you are beautiful, wonderful human being because ALL people are. But you DO need to find a doctor, and a real psychologist (that counselor is a freaking idiot).

    What you are going through is serious, and unfortunately common. I was in a dark place as well for too long in my life. I went through counseling and was on depression/anxiety meds for awhile afterwards and I am SO GLAD I did. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. :flowerforyou:

    Sometimes brain gets sick, and once they get in their patterns, they are REALLY hard to break, nearly impossible to do by yourself.

    PLEASE seek help.

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