Fell of the wagon, badddd. (very long read)

So I never start topics and I don't open up very much on these boards and when I have I tend to go back and edit it out. I am afraid to be judged and to put myself out there. I also do not keep an open diary. Not so much to not keep myself accountable, but again it's just a personal choice.

Here goes ...

I have been in maintain for about a month now, or almost 1 month. I hit my goal and actually went a bit below it. I told myself I could actually stand to gain a couple pounds back, maybe 3-4 and just see. Not because I look or feel sick, it's petty really, a couple of my recent clothes purchases felt a little loose in the middle and I said "I AM NOT BUYING MORE new clothes!" I have done that 4 times since my journey started -- almost 2 years ago. Not doing it again!

So anyhow, the last 3 weeks of weighing in, Saturday mornings only there has been a gain. About 2.2lbs total since I went into maintain. I tell myself it's OK, that I said I could stand to gain a couple but each time I stepped on the scale and saw that number go up I had a moment of anxiety in my stomach, I would step off the scale feeling bad about myself. I would rant to my DH that I was 'getting fat' and 'look, I have gained weight!' and then I would say "yeah, but I know I said I could stand to gain a couple back" he agrees, told me a while ago he thought 'I had lost enough'. Whatever. So I can only imagine how confusing this is for him. One week I am like "Yay, I lost weight" (prior to maintain) then I go to maintain and the first week I did maintain, I was "Yay, I did so good. Didn't gain" now the last few weigh in's it's like "Omg, I am such a fat ugly loser, I gained weight!".

So getting to the point. We have been going out more, I guess to help rid some of my anxiety and to let loose a little because I went a very long time without setting foot inside ANY restaurant (I was highly offended at first when people would tell me to "live a little" and enjoy nights out and enjoy food) So, has my anxiety eased any? Not really. I refuse to go to a restaurant that doesn't publish their nutritional information online. If I find the info online I literally scour the menu and write down what I can eat. I try to pick the lowest calorie/fat/sodium options and even when I find them I still scale back. For example, if it comes with a salad, absolutely NO cheese, no croutons, etc. If a chicken or pasta dish comes with bread, I won't eat the bread. I substitute like crazy, asking for vegetables instead of mashed potatoes, asking for tomato sauces instead of heavy fattening cream sauces. I spend more time asking the waiter or waitress to fix this, change this, substitute this. Needless to say it sucks the fun out of a dinner out. It also doesn't help, my DH who really honestly doesn't need to lose weight, he admits he could eat healthier (I agree. He is a salt addict, sweets junkie) and he keeps saying he wants to tone up. But when we go out he eats whatever he wants and how much of it he wants. He signed up at MFP (quit logging after 2 weeks) and actually managed to lose about 10lbs, some with the help of MFP some on his own, he went through a short period of really watching what he ate, he doesn't do that anymore. Then to make matters worse he hasn't gained any back. He eats what he wants, when he wants, however much he wants and hasn't gained anything back. He's always been this way. I don't know where he puts the food but holy crap can he eat. It does not help because he's a salt junkie and also he's really into sweets (who doesn't like cakes, cookies and candies?) but he is into far more than I am. I like it in small doses (I'm about to contradict myself later about this). So sometimes it does not help that I feel there is added temptation staring back at me in the cabinets or fridge. I have made some comments to him about it and he says he is sorry, doesn't mean to. But I know *I* am responsible for *me* so it's not his fault really. But at the same time I guess I feel like if he was an alcoholic and I kept beer in the house it wouldn't necessarily be supportive. I don't know. I am making excuses for my poor choices.

Ok, so onto last night. We had a night planned, get out of the house. Went to dinner. I pick off the lite menu and the food was awful. It was Mexican food. I asked if they could sub the rice, their options "Well we have another rice, we have mashed potatoes, re-fried beans, or you can pick a salad" for the love of god, I don't want more lettuce. I eat that *kitten* like crazy throughout the week, it's simply 'filler food' to me. So I was like whatever, keep the rice. The calories factored in for the rice already weren't awful, but as usually I always try to find ways to lower them. So it was two enchilada's. They had 1 or 2, I went for 2. Ok, these things were the nastiest tasting things ever. If anyone is wondering it was Carlos O'Kellys. Pico Enchilada's, So I personally at home made the switch from regular cream cheese to the low fat or fat free, whatever it is. It doesn't taste as good as regular but whatever, small sacrifices I said. I never eat the 2 Tbsp serving because I find whatever I am putting it on, 1 Tbsp is enough. Oh but this dish, I swear I think I somehow failed to notice it said cream cheese. I knew it had fat free sour cream on top. So they had to have put an entire block of that nasty cream cheese in each enchilada then a mix of spinach, mushrooms, red onions, I think chives too (or it was green onions) I don't like mushrooms and OF COURSE they can't change it they said "the filling is pre-made" so whatever. Sorry, I ramble. So it was disgusting. I had my DH try it, he agreed. If one doesn't quite love the taste of fat free cream cheese in small doses, you won't love it in large doses. It was just gross. Oh, it also had chicken in it. It was really neat how 1 enchilada had maybe 4 pieces of tiny cubed chicken while the other, only one end seemed to have any chicken in this. I know because I performed a food operation hoping to pick out just the spinach and chicken from that nasty white runny cream cheese crime scene. So all in all, I would say approx. 1 enchilada was eaten, about half the rice which was dry. I told myself "yippie, you pretty much cut your cals in half by eating just half!" so we also had an appetizer at the table, that DH ordered. A fajita cheese crisp. I remember eating this when I was heavy and ate whatever I wanted, in the past I didn't care how fattening it was or greasy. So I succumb and have 1 piece, my DH ate THE REST minus one piece he put on his plate so the waitress could take away the plate. I also only picked out the tiny broken crumbs from the bowl of tortilla chips. So ok, basically I ended up eating the last piece of the cheese crisp because my dinner tasted like white vomit, and before I know it I am reaching for the big pieces of chips. The crisp tasted much greasier than I remember, which I think my taste buds have changed since my journey. But I was hungry so I ate it. I thought about sending my food back or asking for something different but we had somewhere to be later on and my DH was nearly half through his food by the time I finally said 'F it' and quit picking through the gross plate of food in hopes of finding something that didn't taste like a s s.

So we go to our next location. They had a bar with drinks, beer, water, pop and little goodies you could buy. I go for a flavored fizzy bottled drink, Mikes Lemonade (lime) I haven't had this is forever. I remember how tart it is. Seriously, not a hard drink at all. But whatever. Also we got to M&M cookies. We each had one. So then we go inside and take our seats after that.

So then it's getting a bit later but we were like "what to do" -- didn't want to go home. Well what do you know, there is a Dairy Queen. So the last 3 weeks I have let myself have 1 blizzard each week -- BUT ONLY if it fell into my calories which it did, so I didn't let myself feel too bad about it. Plus I always get the small, could and should probably get the mini. So we get what we want. I order a small ridiculously delicious confetti cake blizzard. It was delicious.

Onto where I contradict myself. Also the last 3 weekends I have had a problem with donuts. I am not even that much of a donut person. But if we are out, like I said we've made more of an effort to go out more. So we stop at the gas station and get these donuts which are awesome and made from scratch. 1 time I got just one and that enough. It didn't blow my calories or anything. Another time we made the mistake of getting a box. I ate 3 donuts in the car one after the other before we even got home. When we got home I felt so miserable I wanted to throw up, not eating disorder throw up, but I literally felt sick. So heavy in my stomach, way tooooo much sugar. (I have been watching my sugars for a while now, more the added/processed) So I told myself never again! The 3 donut grand slam was the first, the 2nd was when I bought just 1 and ate that one and felt good about the choice. Last weekend I buy 2. One for that night, save one for the next day because I knew both would fall into my calories. Well one was eaten within minutes of getting into the car which lead me to eat half of the other. So we get home, I told DH to eat the rest of mine if he wanted it or I would throw it away. That "I can't have donuts, I don't know when or how to stop". So then last night, the DQ blizzard, I would have still been within my calories. I could not stop there. Gold star for me, we stopped for donuts. WHY, I just ate a blizzard. I wasn't even hungry. So whatever, I get two. I am proud to say they are still sitting in the cabinet, that I didn't binge on them. Though this morning I told my DH he can have them. "I can't eat food like that anymore! I am fat!"

So then we leave from buying the donuts, it's not terribly late. I know today I have crap today (still dragging my a s s despite it being early afternoon) so we are like we need to go to the store, don't want to do it Sunday when the store is always crazy, run home really quick, grab the list and we go. Late night grocery shopping it always an experience lol. The store wasn't too busy, made shopping easy. WHY OH WHY, we get all of our food. Half the cart is fresh, other half is random stuff like coffee filters, saran wrap, shampoo, cat food, etc.

So I told myself forever ago "I can't walk through any bakery in any store. It's too much!" and I went a long time without going to that section. Well lately, of course. I haven't been good about that. Even if I don't buy anything, I just shouldn't go into that section. It's like an emotional hostage situation.

So we go to the bakery and there sits a delicious blueberry crumble coffee cake. I literally cannot get enough blueberries, it's crazy. I love them, love them fresh. I eat them all the time everyday. It's insane. So I said "I don't need this coffee cake" but then I said "Whatever, it won't kill me" and I convinced myself that after not eating my entire nasty tasting dinner and saving calories because of that and that I bought 2 donuts but didn't devour them immediately after eating them that I was 'entitled' to that coffee cake. So I put it in the cart. I then find the donut counter, I said hmmm maybe I should grab one for the drive home. WTF??? So I get a plain square-ish shaped donut with powdered sugar on top and lemon filling. We pay, leave, load the car, the donut is gone in less than a minute. We get home, unload, carry it all inside, start putting it away, the coffee cake is staring me in the face. Said "I have to try this". One bite (which the first felt like an 'O' - yeah use your imagination - in my mouth lol) So one bite turns into 2 and 3 then 4 then 5, giving DH a couple bites in between. Before I know I have literally eaten the equivalent of 2 pieces which comes to about 500 calories. I told myself "big deal" I'll exercise a lot tomorrow which I still haven't. My body this morning literally feels like I have been run over. I went to bed, later than I normally do as I tend to stick to a fairy strict go to bed at a certain time, wake up at a certain time daily routine. It helps me stay on track for work and also it just helps me to stick to a routine. So I wake up this morning way later than I have in the longest time. I wake up feeling like I had a hangover, groggy, my gut feels bloated, I feel sluggish, my body practically hurts. I am convinced it was all the 'crap' food and also sugar overload. Plus I have a slight headache, it's been there since I got out of bed.

So here I sit today feeling like the biggest, fattest, grossest, incredibly ashamed repeating to myself over and over "WHY DID I DO THAT?" person. "Did you NOT learn your lesson the last 3 times you lost all control with the baked stuff?" Each time it has happened I said "NEVER AGAIN!" told DH "I can't go into those places". But each week I have. Then each day after I emotionally kick my own a s s and berate myself all day. Sometimes the feelings of shame last a day or 2 past the donut crime I committed. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. So here I sit today, I have no motivation to want to work out. I just want to crawl back into bed. A couple times I felt like crying.

I don't know, I just needed to put it out there. I guess I don't know what I am looking for in terms of a reply. Oh, I blew my calories by 1300 of course. I have never blown my calories by that much. From the time I have been on MFP I think the most I ever blew my calories might have been by 100-200. I blew my carbs, blew the fat...I was NOT surprised. I am sure the sodium as well, the Carlos O'Kellys didn't list the sodium.

So here I am, planning out what I will eat the rest of the day. I already had my late breakfast after I woke up. I lovely bowl of plain cheerios with fruit on top and almond milk. Sure it tasted good, wasn't very filling. My stomach is growling now. So I am planning my meals which today will consist of a lot of filler foods because big old gross fat me doesn't deserve good tasting food today. I will have to survive on 'rabbit food'

Sorry this was long. I just needed to get it out. I guess, it's a way for me to be really honest with myself. I haven't mentioned my donut binges to anyone on MFP. I still go about chatting and offering advice like there is nothing wrong with me. I can give anyone advice about low calorie snacks and what not, all the while I was shoving donuts into my mouth like a crackhead would smoke from their crackpipe.

I feel like a liar, a hypocrite.

I think maintain feels more scary to me than losing the weight did. I am scared to death I will gain it back. How easy 1lbs turns into 3 then 5 then 10, the thought of that possibly happening scares me to death. I think how do I get a handle on this? Is it self sabotage? I didn't 'binge' like this when I was losing. Sometimes a couple mindless grabs of nuts from the container, or maybe grab some crackers and not count them. That was generally the extent of those moments. But now, since I have been in maintain. I have the WORST cravings for food that was never usually at the top of my 'yum!' list to begin with. If anything I thought I would be craving burgers and fries, but no it's ice cream and cakes and donuts. I don't know why either?

I don't know if I need some hugs or a kick in the a s s at this point. I am sick to death of stressing over my weight. I stressed out when I gained it all, then went through the stage where I didn't care because I so depressed about so many things in life, the weight gain only being one of them. Then something clicked and I hated the fat me (keep in mind I was never skinny - skinny for ME - prior to gaining all that weight) but I am at my lowest I have ever been in my entire life, let alone my adult life. It's surreal to me. But I stressed about it and freaked out losing it. I am stressing trying to maintain (though each week I tend to contradict myself telling myself I gained when a day before I said I could stand to gain.) Everytime I open my mouth and put in food I either know automatically how many calories it has (thanks food scale, thanks MFP) and the times I don't know I worry and say "should I eat it?" "I wonder how many calories this has". Eating is not fun, should it ever be fun, I don't know. But it's not fun at all. Even in the moment of DQ blizzards and donuts and how delicious it tastes, it is not fun. Each bite I call myself names in between, each bite I mentally say "put it down, put it down" but I don't. I never was like this when I was heavy. I didn't care. I ate something and felt no shame. I would go out and enjoy my food and enjoy my night. Now I think I turn every fun night out into a miserable time with my obsessive compulsive calorie disorder. My poor DH, I feel bad for him. He stares at me knowing I am unhappy with every meal I order from the "it won't make you fat" side of the menu as he eats his delicious food. I think he feels bad eating it and while I do not want him to feel bad ont he surface part of me is mad at him about it. I feel like he doesn't help more to make this easy. He happily obliges when I say let's get DQ, or hmmmm a donut sounds so good. He is ready to get in the car and go. I think I wish he would say "No" to "think about it, do you really want that?" but then knowing my crazy a s s I would take it the wrong way and probably accuse him of accusing me of being fat and "what right does he have to tell me I can't have something". I am just so mad at ME. I will probably regret having posted this.

I'll stop now.
Sorry.