Hi from a recovered ED woman, now fat, wants to be healthy

underdogsmom · May 2012

Hi, my name is Christina from Ohio. I'm 27 yrs old, disabled and discouraged with my body. About 8 yrs ago I became mildly anorexic then bulimic w/ an. tendencies. The extremes lasted for about 6 mons. to a year. I still did some of the behaviors a few years later then eventually did my best to move on. The problem with this is; letting go of my eating disorder also lead to letting go of myself instead of finding myself.

Let me just say that I'm not looking for a quick fix. I'm not trying to crash diet which can lead to an ED in some ppl. I am disabled with Bipolar and Asperger's, and OCD traits which lead to my ED. I do NOT want the hell of an ED again, I want to be healthy and yes I do want to look better, but I want the health behaviors and attitudes more than anything! I started to gain a lot after recovery due a bipolar medication and then high dose birth control pills, and then....thinking I can be eating whatever I want and being lazy with the exercise...and I am really paying for it!

At my lowest anorexia I was 102 lbs at 5ft 3 in. Not extreme but still unhealthy...no menses. My healthy weight is about 120-130lbs for me as I have more muscle and thicker bones for a petite lady.

My highest is 194lbs...lost 3lbs...now 191 lbs.

. I know I need to exercise more...but I'm very unmotivated at times because I'm kind of out of shape, but I'm trying. I can be like a horse that needs a whip to get moving at times though! I clean the house a lot due to my OCD traits but it's not enough to change my body as it's very used to this. I also struggle with black and white thinking with food, (either diet to the extreme, or don't care) ugh! I'm sure I'm not alone with this, I hope.

I'm drinking all the water I should, I do NOT like pop so that is good. I do drink plain black coffee for energy as my medications wear me down and I could not function/exercise well w/o some good java in me.

I eat a healthy breakfast...whole grain cereal or oatmeal w/ brown sugar, and a piece of fruit.. Lunch I'm fine, usually a salad of some sort, such as spinach w/ feta cheese, low-cal italian dressing, then a usually a healthy meat sandwich of some kind with no topping (I dont like mayo, ketchup, or mustard!). Snack, I trying to keep it low-cal such as yogart and low-cal carb of some sort. Dinner= a portein and veggie usually. Final snack= similiar to the other snack. Late night eating can be a struggle for me. I am walking a couple miles a day, I want to increase this (when it's not hot out, I hate the heat)....I have been running, but very limited, as I'm out of practice I have a wiifit and an exercise bike that needs to get used, but I have been starting out small.

Any words for me?

killernut · May 2012

I'd say you're doing it the right way. Just keep it up and don't get discouraged if the results don't come instantly.

awhempstead · May 2012

Hi Christina,

First off, let me congratulate you for making the first step towards a healthier and happier you! From experience, I know that an eating disorder can literally take over your entire life (thus, you stop living for yourself and live for your disorder). I know the chaotic cycle that an eating disorder brings and I know just how hard it is to break free from it. So, I truly congratulate you and wish you only happiness and patience on your journey. I am a recovering bulimic/overeater and it has been extremely tough to get to where I am. Today, I can finally say that I have learned to love myself more than allowing my eating disorder to destroy any possibility of living a normal and happy life. It was such an extremely difficult decision and really tough to commit to but I can honestly say that letting go of my disorder has been the most rewarding experience of my life. It didn't happen over night and it took about three years to finally gain control of it and in my experience, it never really goes away. Sometimes you fall back into it but you pick yourself up again and start again. I gained a lot of weight after giving up my disorder and today I am ready to live a healthy life which is allowing me to love myself. I honestly think it's about finding a balance, being able to enjoy the food you love without feeling shame, guilt, or remorse. And again, it takes time and patience with yourself so please, don't give up and keep doing things the right way! If you ever need anything, feel free to message me.

Good luck on your journey!

Andrea

PinkEarthMama · May 2012

No advice... just hello and welcome

mfpcopine · May 2012

The problem with this is; letting go of my eating disorder also lead to letting go of myself instead of finding myself.

It can be a fine line, one that is easy to cross.

I can be like a horse that needs a whip to get moving at times though!

That can work in the short-term, but in the long-term, many people stop responding to bad treatment, even if they're the ones meting it out.

I also struggle with black and white thinking with food, (either diet to the extreme, or don't care) ugh! I'm sure I'm not alone with this, I hope.

Very common.

I'm drinking all the water I should, I do NOT like pop so that is good. I do drink plain black coffee for energy as my medications wear me down and I could not function/exercise well w/o some good java in me. I eat a healthy breakfast...whole grain cereal or oatmeal w/ brown sugar, and a piece of fruit.. Lunch I'm fine, usually a salad of some sort, such as spinach w/ feta cheese, low-cal italian dressing, then a usually a healthy meat sandwich of some kind with no topping (I dont like mayo, ketchup, or mustard!). Snack, I trying to keep it low-cal such as yogart and low-cal carb of some sort. Dinner= a portein and veggie usually. Final snack= similiar to the other snack. Late night eating can be a struggle for me. I am walking a couple miles a day, I want to increase this (when it's not hot out, I hate the heat)....I have been running, but very limited, as I'm out of practice I have a wiifit and an exercise bike that needs to get used, but I have been starting out small.

Any words for me?

It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep logging. Track your overall weight and body fat.

Hi from a recovered ED woman, now fat, wants to be healthy

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