I have a confession...

wender125
wender125 Posts: 93 Member
in Food and Nutrition
Supper tonight shows up in my diary at about 600 calories. A Big Mac. and an apple.

But truthfully, it rang in at about 1300 calories: Big Mac, Junior Chicken, Small Fry, 5 TimBits and the apple. Damn if it didn't taste SO good going down.

I've only binged and purged once. But I've contemplated it a number of times. Tonight I was panicking and close to doing it, but was saved by my five year old, hollering for me, wondering where I was.

SO. To cope with this, and to making that glaring -700 go green, I manipulated my numbers. I found deficits throughout the past week and entered single items from tonights supper where they would fit over a number of days (I had a massive deficit on saturday, due to a post-travel bug).

*****after very helpful comments, I changed my numbers back. I am taking fully responsibility for what I eat.*****

It worked. I feel better. Some may perceive it as cheating, but it's what I had to do to hang onto my shred of sanity. It may not be as bad as I perceive it to be, and yes, we all do it from time to time yadda yadda yadda.

I'm quite active, chasing two little kids all day, spin class once a week, walk the dog etc etc. I plan to burn some of it off tonight when my hubby and I pull out the Wii. Maybe I'll take the dog for a walk, too.

Must go. angry, cranky toddler beckons.

Thanks for reading.

Replies

  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
    Maybe it isnt healthy for you to be logging here until you get things under control or get help.
  • wender125
    wender125 Posts: 93 Member
    thank you - while i did say that I've contemplated it a number of times, it's been infrequently, over the past few years. It just really freaked me out today.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    I hope things get easier for you :) Is it possible that you are burning more exercise cals then you think you are, therefore not eating enough to keep you satisfied?
  • betrayalunknown
    betrayalunknown Posts: 63
    While Victoria may be right about these boards not being all that healthy for you... you could totally use the support to your advantage.

    For example... if the next time you feel a "BP" coming on and your adorable child isn't around to be your savior, you could log on and write a post. Any post. Just log on... and type away... tell us your feelings, emotions and why you feel like binging and purging. Or if you already had the binge episode and all you want to do is purge it away.... do the same thing: Log on and write to us. Tell us why you binged... what you were feeling then, and how you feel after the binge.

    By writing down your emotions, you are held accountable for your actions. You will also see a pattern of why you binge. Maybe you're happy... or bored... or upset... or irritated, etc. Or.. maybe you'll notice that you have "trigger foods." For example, maybe you just meant to take a nibble of a chocolate covered pretzel when you were packing a snack for your kid. Then before you know it, a bite of a pretzel turned into 18... and then your chocolate craving is overwhelmed by a craving for.... i don't know.. greasy foods or something. Then just like your fast-food fiasco, things just quickly get out of control and all you want to do at the end is shove your face down a toilet.
    Thus, by writing down that specific food/foods that triggered the start of a binge and the EMOTION that was attached to it at the time.. with a little practice (no one is perfect, you will slip up from time to time and that is A-OKAY) you will know how to avoid the binges... whether it be intentional or not.

    Most of us are emotional eaters. Write down your feelings. Hold yourself accountable. Let us here at MFP help you.

    Best of luck to you.
    PS Stop "manipulating" your numbers! If you do that... you are subconsciously... or maybe even consciously... trying to "justify" your actions. DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOURSELF STARTING NOW... Everyday is a new day. I've learned that the hard way. If you slip up, don't try to "fix" it somehow. Just exercise more (in a healthy way) and forgive yourself. Don't "calorie-bank" either. That is when you intentionally eat less calories on this day to "save" your calories for another day/time. Because if you do that, you will think "Hmm... maybe I can afford to do a mini binge with no purge since MFP tells me I didn't eat all of my calories on Wednesday and Saturday."

    Keep on keeping it on!!
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    Maybe eat more smaller meals during the day so you don't feel the need to binge?
  • RaeN81
    RaeN81 Posts: 534 Member
    Can I level with you...this is not really a huge amount of food and in the long run it is just one day in many. Give yourself some room to make mistakes. This is a long haul and there are bound to be off days. They can even be a good thing (provided they aren't everyday) because spike days can work to disrupt the body and even promote weight loss.
  • sisterlilbunny
    sisterlilbunny Posts: 686 Member
    One "trick" that helps me is to look at my weekly report. It does put the binges into perspective. AND like it was said, log on here and post to your wall or blog or even risk the forums. There are kind people out there that are more than willing to listen to what you're going through and provide some decent feed back.

    Finally *HUGS*. You're gonna make it.
  • Rye_Bread
    Rye_Bread Posts: 23
    I think it was a great idea for you to change the numbers around for your own sanity. I definitely understand how that feels, and I have binged before, but I was never to the point of making myself throw up, although I know a lot of people who have done it. Remember that doing so is not healthy for your body, and will cause you more distress and pain if you do it.

    Also, something that I've been doing a lot lately is trying to live a healthier lifestyle, meaning doing things to make my body feel good, and not just to be skinny and look fit (although this is what I reaaaallly want). For me, this means that I eat healthy so that I don't have toxins and unnatural things in my body. I try not to eat processed food, so I would never eat a Big Mac. Think about what you can replace for a Big Mac that is just as yummy and tasty, but healthier. If you do this, you shouldn't feel the need to purge, since you know that you are putting healthy things in your body.

    I wish you luck, and keep strong! I know that you can do it :) Feel free to add me
  • wender125
    wender125 Posts: 93 Member
    wow! thanks for the replies! it only occurs when I eat fast food, which is rare. therefore I will avoid fast food at all cost, especially since there's truly no excuse.

    and I will change my numbers back. thank you for that, betrayal.
  • mdamrow
    mdamrow Posts: 92 Member
    Stop manipulating your numbers. I know it looks horrible when you have red numbers staring at you, but you can't make changes if you don't really know what your doing. Be honest with yourself and you'll be able to identify a pattern. Then make the healthy changes you need.
  • dlpnrn2b
    dlpnrn2b Posts: 441 Member
    Can I level with you...this is not really a huge amount of food and in the long run it is just one day in many. Give yourself some room to make mistakes. This is a long haul and there are bound to be off days. They can even be a good thing (provided they aren't everyday) because spike days can work to disrupt the body and even promote weight loss.

    same thing I was going to say :flowerforyou:
  • butterpecan_ts
    butterpecan_ts Posts: 48 Member
    I am totally impressed with how you handled it. I'm sure it wasn't easy but im glad you were able to stop yourself before you purged. Feel good over your little victories. Each small victory leads you to one great victory.
  • erikkasusann
    erikkasusann Posts: 104
    Congratulations on getting back to good! You can't make yourself too crazy over a bad day, better to let it go & focus on the good ones!
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
    Binges happen. They won't kill you. They happen to all of us.

    Read this:
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/606721-after-a-binge-after-a-meal-out-read-this

    Then go fix your numbers... just because it won't kill you doesn't mean that you don't need to see it in black and white... that will make you more accountable to yourself and less likely to eat quite as much next time (IMO anyway).

    Good luck!
    Jen
  • Braymoor1976
    Braymoor1976 Posts: 27
    wow! thanks for the replies! it only occurs when I eat fast food, which is rare. therefore I will avoid fast food at all cost, especially since there's truly no excuse.

    and I will change my numbers back. thank you for that, betrayal.
    [/quot

    You are not accountable to anyone but yourself. Dont beat yourself up over setbacks--life happens. Don't let self righteous people on the boards make you feel bad either--in reality who knows what any of us eat every day and how much we are eating, we all hide behind a comp screen--I could log that i am eating vegan every day and have lost 107 lbs and only I would know the truth. <3
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
    Also... if you HAVE to have fast food, do it... limiting yourself may make it worse. But decide what you're going to have first. Log it. Then order it, eat it, and be done with it. If you need to, go through the drive through so that it would be a pain in the butt to go back for more. Personally, I think it's better to learn to manage our bad habits that to try to go cold turkey. Sure, if you cut back, there may be a time when you no longer want fast food... that's different. But if you outright deprive yourself, it may be a trigger for more "benders".

    All the best to yoU!
    Jen
  • vingogly
    vingogly Posts: 1,785 Member
    Food isn't poison, and carbs/fats/protein/whatever are not evil beings lurking out there waiting to sabotage your efforts. Indulging in something occasionally isn't going to destroy all your efforts, and it's not a Sin. Epictetus wrote some 2100 years ago: "People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them." In other words, it's not your eating the fast food that's the problem, it's your beliefs about your eating the fast food.
  • tugers2
    tugers2 Posts: 139
    im in the same boat as you tonight i had an entire qt of general tso's..... sometimes i get it in my head that i can binge and just get rid of it and feel great but i have to stay strong and just take punishment ( the full stomach and the guilt ) and remember next time that throwing up is not an option
  • Cbiz83
    Cbiz83 Posts: 4
    I'm new here and to keeping track in a community - but I"m already grateful for this - it is inspiring. I've yo-yoed many times with periods of health and fitness and utter sedentary behavior (where I am now). One thing I have always done when fitness minded is to remember sometimes we crack, sometimes we eat more than we should have. We're human. We're resilient but we're also prone to mistakes or lack of control. When I'm trying to be healthy and I binge, I make peace with it and let it go. I maybe find something aeobic to do to balance it out, even if it is just going for a walk. The bottom line is, we all derail. But, you can do it, I can do it, we can all do it. I have confidence in you.
  • HeHealsMe
    HeHealsMe Posts: 174 Member
    One "trick" that helps me is to look at my weekly report. It does put the binges into perspective. AND like it was said, log on here and post to your wall or blog or even risk the forums. There are kind people out there that are more than willing to listen to what you're going through and provide some decent feed back.

    Finally *HUGS*. You're gonna make it.

    ^^^ALL OF THIS..YES, keep on posting. I'm here to help in any way I can..I CAN relate..Add me if we are not already friends please!

    God loves you, don't forget that.
  • heylookitscass
    heylookitscass Posts: 6 Member
    victoria4321: Don't be a tosser.
  • Hanablu2
    Hanablu2 Posts: 134 Member
    I don't think it's healthy to contemplate a purge after a binge when you have bad days and overeat. The food mixed with the gastric acids can cause so much damage and slow erosion to the esophagus. I know you said it's infrequent but that's your early alarm/red alert to get additional coping mechanisms. My fitness pal is great but try to get a counselor to help too because weight loss and the stress of daily life and wanting to eat without thinking sometimes will continue to happen and confront you. It's good you recognize what's going on.
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
    Eh, I have had a few bad days recently, where I went over, and today was one. I think a combination of a run of days where I cycled and walked a lot, coupled with having a few treats, when I had managed to cut out most refined sugar for a week. I am over by about 900, and that went on a piece of chocolate chunk shortbread, a double chocolate cookie, a piece of granola bar, a mcflurry and some metcalfe's skinny popcorn. Fortunately, I do exercise a lot, and have no weight to lose, so I can eventually manage to balance my thinking out. I too, sometimes purge when I have eaten a lot, in panic, well, actually, quite a lot. Not a good habit to get into as it can be very hard to get out of it and it wreaks havoc with your body and often ends in you actually craving more.

    I suppose the key is to think longterm, not in the moment, and that it all balances out in the end, as long as most of your days are healthy and balanced.
  • foxbat2828
    foxbat2828 Posts: 391 Member
    Taking responsibility is a good first step, but also keep the bigger picture in mind. You overate the meal by 700 calories based on what you initially logged. At that rate, you'd have to do that five times just to gain a pound. In other words, sometimes the panic is just that ... panic. Taking some time to breathe and really assess the situation can help us from making those snap decisions that sometime lead us to do things like abandon our goals or sometimes worse.

    Take a look at this link that another MFPer posted a couple of days ago.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/606721-after-a-binge-after-a-meal-out-read-this

    When you look at the simplicity in the idea behind the post, it makes the little overeating slips that we are probably likely to face, seem so much more manageable and much less insurmountable than they seem in our moments of panic.

    Hang in there and remember to breathe once in a while. It helps clear the mind and, sometimes, you also get a chance to smell the flowers too while doing so. :happy:
  • aolenick
    aolenick Posts: 8 Member
    I ate McDonald's and taco bell almost every other day for 3 years and that's why I gained the weight I have. Once I cut back, only eat eat once a week its easier to not eat a lot. I always feel sick after, and the next week I say do I want to feel that sick, no! Opt for a kids meal! That's been working for me!

    - Also I don't know about where you live, but in MD a lot of places you can turn in the toy for a small ice cream cone which is a low cal dessert!

    Good luck, don't be too hard on yourself
  • Frankieb208
    Frankieb208 Posts: 5
    when i do that i go for a late walk at a fast pace, 1 hour of walking and you should be good.
  • waltwalleye
    waltwalleye Posts: 1
    :explode: Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep working towards your goal you will get there. Just like life in general UPS AND DOWNS!:flowerforyou:
  • TheWinman
    TheWinman Posts: 684 Member
    One "trick" that helps me is to look at my weekly report. It does put the binges into perspective. AND like it was said, log on here and post to your wall or blog or even risk the forums. There are kind people out there that are more than willing to listen to what you're going through and provide some decent feed back.

    Finally *HUGS*. You're gonna make it.

    ^^^^this

    Look at the big picture not day by day.
  • KetoBella
    KetoBella Posts: 141 Member
    You can't change what you will not acknowledge. If your diary is public, make it private so that you and you alone are going to see the cold hard facts. If you are not public and still feel compelled to change the numbers so they look better you are not fooling yourself you are actually behaving like a naughty child that hides in the closet when he knows he has done something he might get punished for. Problem being you can't really hide from yourself. It does undermine your confidence and self-esteem by letting yourself down and only convinces yourself you are not to be trusted. We are our own worst critics. Be brave, and continue tracking it all... be proud of that accomplishment. The practice will make it easier and you will learn each and every time you slip up. You CAN do this!

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